<p>he Silent Killer
While I am sure that whole volumes can and probably will be written on Iraq, Afghanistan, and our uncooperation with the rest of the world, perhaps the most important issue facing the world is the growing threat of AIDS. What is particularly stunning is its mode of attack. It invades your body surrepitously like a miniature terrorist and then starts destroying the very cells which are meant to kill it. It latches on to T-cells and turns them into rogue zombies which in turn create more of the virus.
Yet, perhaps the most appalling aspect of this epidemic is that people have become inured to pleas for more funding for Aids research. It seems that the ignorance that first surrounded the epidemic is resurfacing. The menace of Aids is no longer in public view and the US is becoming increasingly stingy in its contributions to worldwide Aids treatment programs such as Global Fund for HIV/AIDS instead preferring a go it alone approach. What with much of the money now being diverted to abstinence only education programs (which have been proven to increase the risk of transmission) the focus has shifted from actually caring for the millions of people that have Aids to hypocritical ignorance of the fact that abstinence education does not help the 40 million people worldwide who are AIDS positive.
Aids is very discriminate in its choice of victims. The poorest in the world that have no hope of affording the drugs necessary to treat AIDS are also the ones at the highest risk of contracting it. Africa is the birthplace of Aids. It continues this grisly distinction with 25 million living victims. The havoc that it causes in the family structure is particularly painful. In some parts of Africa the largest growing segment of the population is children who have been orphaned by this disease . The demographics of people getting AIDS is also changing. Originally thought to be a disease in the male homosexual community, now heterosexual women are most likely to get it.
The first course of actions in the fight against this disease is to increase public awareness of the dangers posed. This would in turn pressure politicians to allocate more fund for Aids research. Currently, we are on the cusp of a breakthrough in Aids research. One avenue of research which I think is particularly interesting is preventing the HIV virus from infecting the immune system during the initial transmission. I will be working towards this objective at UCLA Medical Center starting Jan. 7th under the guidance of Dr. Rao. My objective is to find a CD4 site blocker on immune system cells that will attach to the CD4 sites before the HIV virus can. My line of thinking is this, if we can somehow flood the bloodstream with CD4 site blockers immediately after a person has been transmitted the virus. We might be able to stave off a full scale attack. Of course, the virus will attach to the first few cells but if all of the rest of the CD4 sites are blocked then at most it will destroy only the cells initially infected. Of course there are other avenues of research being pursued at this very moment. But, there is a dire need for increased funding to provide the impetus for such a massive undertaking.
AIDS is a terrible killer that strikes people of all backgrounds but the effects of AIDS are more acutely felt amog the poorest in the world. They are not able to afford the 15,000 dollars per year in drugs. To combat this epidemic there needs to be a widespread public relations campaign and a worldwide partnership. The efforts made to eliminate Smallpox should serve as a template for leaders to cooperate and fully fund AIDS research. At 40 millions infected individuals and rising we cannot afford to get politics in the way of stopping this terrible disease.</p>
<p>comments HIGHLY appreciated</p>
<p>AIDS needs to be capitalized throughout essay. Essay needs edited. Go over it, word for word, and trim/replace words/correct syntax. Commas!!! You are missing quite a few commas - go over it again. Read it outloud, and read it slowly-you'll find places that don't work. I would change the opening sentence, and def. kill the title. The most interesting part of the essay was the work you are going to do. Although it was too technical in my opinion, with some edit, it should be more of the focus of your essay. Consider moving all or part to the beginning and then closing with another reference to it. You need to make this essay a bit more personal and not read like a political stance.
On another point, what made you interested in this problem and led to your work? Do you know someone, a friend, family member, etc. with this disease? If so, that is a way to make the essay more personal and about you.
It read too long, and I was surprised it was only 652 words.
12th line down, take out the "What" and start the sentence with "With"
"...who are AIDS positive"-change to something like afflicted with this disease
"starting Jan.7th"-change to beginning January 7th or beginning January 2005
"My line of thinking is this,"-all wrong-change to something like "My work will explore...
Next few lines you use Of course twice-change first one to Unfortunately, the virsus..
Double check your facts on the $15,000-I believe in third world countries, they are subjected to the same patents on drugs as in the US and the actual cost to treat HIV/AIDS is dramatically less, like $200/month.</p>
<p>You're off to a good start, and good luck with the editing. I'll be happy to look at it again if you wish. Please don't take my comments as harsh-I'm truly just trying to help. :)</p>
<p>Sorry but, BOO. This is a cookie-cutter essay that is poorly written on a mundane topic, I couldn't finish it. How ironic that you call our contributions "Stingy," just as the UN aid coordinator did after the Earthquake/Tsunami. I suppose 15 billion is not enough? Anyway, you seem to be following the sandwich format: intro, body, conclusion. Choose a different topic, write a new essay.</p>
<p>I'm really sorry, because I know you're going to hate reading this from strangers, but I don't agree with your essay, either. First of all, AIDS is not a silent killer, people with this disease are shouting from the rooftops for help. Your first sentence makes it sound like no one is going to write about AIDS, whereas I can guarantee that SFS will get many essays on this topic. As the President of AIDS Awareness at my school and someone who has organized dozens of service activities over the past 3 years, I may have written about AIDS if I had applied to SFS. My essay would have overshadowed yours because of everything I've done for the cause. I would choose an issue that is either related more personally to you or that you have tried to do something about.</p>
<p>Also, as someone who has lost people to the AIDS epidemic, I have to say that you are 100% WRONG when you say that AIDS is "very discriminate in its choice of victims." AIDS doesn't care if you are rich or poor, black or white, gay or straight, male or female. Contract the disease and it will kill you, no so-called discrimination.</p>
<p>Again, I appologize, because I know this is not what you hoped for when you posted your essay. I second brenner's advice: write a new essay.</p>
<p>Sorry.</p>
<p>I don't know if I'd go as far as brenner. This apparently is your passion, and you should write about that. I think if you make it sound less like a report it'll be much improved. Your 2nd paragraph is quite choppy.
I agree w/ redr002 - when you made it personal, I was interested. Focus more on that--but def. work with what you have, because it is a good start.</p>
<p>Brenner, I'm going to have to adjust your comment - it's 35 million (a little different than 15 billion)...and considering our GDP, it's rather trivial..but that's a whole different can of worms. </p>
<p>I'm not so sure I'm sold on your beginning. The first sentence doesn't really draw you in...I'd say make it personal (and therefore interesting, volumes have been written and read on the conflict, what ultimately makes it unique is your view).</p>
<p>Also, watch out for perhaps..it's a tricky little world and sometimes weakens arguments.</p>
<p>Revised Version, what do you think. </p>
<p>Who would think that such a fragile microscopic crystalline virus could cause such widespread death? Nobody did, certainly not the researchers who took so long to identify the HIV virus. Currently, it casts a grim shadow of near certain death over 40 million people. Its mode of attack is particularly stunning. It invades your body surreptitiously like a miniature terrorist and then starts destroying the very cells which are meant to kill it. The virus latches on to T-cells and turns them into rogue zombies which create more of the virus before bursting open.
Yet, the most appalling aspect of this epidemic is that people have become inured to pleas for more funding for AIDS research. It seems that the ignorance that first surrounded the epidemic is resurfacing. The menace of AIDS is no longer in public view and the US is becoming increasingly stingy in its contributions to worldwide AIDS treatment programs such as Global Fund for HIV/AIDS, instead preferring a go it alone approach..
AIDS is very discriminatory in its choice of victims. The poorest in the world that have no hope of affording the drugs necessary to treat AIDS are also the ones at the highest risk of contracting it. Africa is the birthplace of AIDS and it continues this grisly distinction with 25 million living victims. The havoc that it causes in the family structure is particularly painful. In some parts of Africa the largest growing segment of the population is children who have been orphaned by this disease. The demographics of people getting AIDS are also changing. Originally thought to be a disease confined to the male homosexual community, now, heterosexual women are most likely to get it.
The first course of action in the fight against this disease is to increase public awareness of the dangers posed. This would in turn pressure politicians to allocate more funds for AIDS research. Currently, we are on the cusp of a breakthrough in AIDS research. One avenue of research which I think is particularly interesting is preventing the HIV virus from infecting the immune system. The HIV virus attaches to CD4 sites on T-cells during initial infestation and then burrows into the cell. Beginning January 2005 under the guidance of Dr. Rao at UCLA Medical Center I will be searching for a CD4 site blocker on immune system cells that will attach to the CD4 sites before the HIV virus can. If we can somehow flood the bloodstream with CD4 site blockers immediately after a person has been transmitted the virus we might be able to stave off a full scale attack. Certainly, the virus will attach to the first few cells but if all of the rest of the CD4 sites are blocked then, at most, it will destroy only the cells initially infected. Of course there are other avenues of research being pursued at this very moment. But, there is a dire need for increased funding to provide the impetus for such a massive research effort.
AIDS is a terrible killer that strikes people of all backgrounds but its effects are more acutely felt among the most indigent in the world. They are not able to afford the astronomical drugs prices needed to treat such a disease. To combat this epidemic there needs to be a widespread public relations campaign and a worldwide partnership. The efforts made to eliminate Smallpox should serve as a template for leaders to cooperate and fully fund AIDS research. At 40 millions infected individuals and rising we cannot afford to be delayed by bureaucratic arm-wrangling. We were caught ignorant once; let us not allow such a frail, minutely small virus, trounce us again.</p>
<p>Ignorant, borderline offensive:</p>
<p>I don't think those who are HIV positive enjoy being referred to as "living victims."</p>
<p>No one knows where the virus originated.</p>
<p>You are making unsubstantiated demands. Insisting that Congressmen push for greater funding for AIDS is fine, but you're supposed to be suggesting a solution...where is that money supposed to come from?</p>
<p>The virus is not "minutely small," and I would not say that it should not be allowed to "trounce us again," because it is trouncing us now.</p>
<p>Stop trying to sound intelligent and THINK about what you're writing.</p>
<p>Unfortunately Manderz you cannot adjust my comment as it is entirely correct. Two years ago, Bush sent 15 billion dollars to combat AIDS in the Carribbean and in Africa. Yes, I said BILLION. As far as looking at out GDP, "dont look a gift horse in the mouth." Beggars can't be choosers. We are not obligated to send anything.</p>
<p>angelnikki,</p>
<p>he asked for help not a thrashing. maybe you should stop trying to prove you are superior and be nice.</p>
<p>I would again say to focus more on your involvement. Why do you feel moved to combat AIDS? It certainly is an epidemic, but again, don't make it sound so much like a report. Your 3rd paragraph is all statistics and basic information. They don't want to be informed about AIDS. They want to be informed about your response to AIDS. I like your intro, it is more attention-grabbing. Hope all this helps.</p>
<p>Brenner, I apologize, I misinterpreted what you said:</p>
<p>" 'Stingy,' just as the UN aid coordinator did after the Earthquake/Tsunami. I suppose 15 billion is not enough? "</p>
<p>I thought you were talking about tsunami relief and not AIDS (which I think is a reasonable mistake, looking back). Yes, $15 billion is more than generous. </p>
<p>However it's not like the United States doesn't have anything to gain through AID. It can be a great source of soft power, which we will need. </p>
<p>On the essay: I think others have been extremely harsh on you (to each his own), but I would recommend looking at the last paragraph. It is the longest paragraph in your essay and you are explaining your research and a scientific method. If I were an SFS reader, I would ask myself is this kid pre-med? Remember, SFS is largely a humanities-based curriculum (with the exception of that Science/Tech in Int'l Affairs)..You may want to reflect more on your understanding of a complex problem rather than a complex scientific process.</p>
<p>good post, manderz. I agree.</p>
<p>Choopity, if you post an essay, expect CRITICISM, both positive and negative. He's not looking for us to be nice...</p>
<p>Brenner: Thank you.</p>
<p>Choopity: I'm in no way trying to prove myself superior. This is a sensitive subject for me and I was only being honest. If he didn't want honest answers then he probably wouldn't have posted his essay for any stranger to read in the first place.</p>
<p>haha... well the statement "Stop trying to sound intelligent and THINK about what you're writing." is not exactly constructive criticism.</p>
<p>A. It implies that what he writes is all fluff and he is in fact not intelligent.
B. You suggest that he didn't put thought into his work.</p>
<p>don't tell me you cant think of a better way to put it... afterall, you are the linguistic essay master.</p>
<p>and yes i realize that you should expect negative criticism... i however do not believe one should expect belittling.</p>
<p>I stand by what I wrote. Much of what his essay was, as you call it, fluff. As many others have said, it sounds like a report. I think he did put time and effort into his essay, but at the same time, I do not think he put thought into the subject he was writing about. I am certain that he recognizes the severity of the AIDS crisis, but that is not apparent based on the essay. I think he is trying to sound intelligent through his diction, which is preventing him from actually making intelligent comments on the issue.</p>
<p>And no, I am not a linguistic essay master. I have no idea where you got that idea from.</p>
<p>Wow Choopity, YOU said it, not us: FLUFF. A big ambiguous nebula of ten cent words with some idea hidden in it, maybe. Besides, I think you are both the same person (5 posts).</p>
<p>Good call...</p>