score my essay Please??

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hello everybody,</p>

<p>I am taking the SAT for the first time 2 weeks from now. ( November,2nd )
And I really need help concerning the essay part.</p>

<p>So, can you guys score my essay please?</p>

<p>Assignment: Is it better to focus on your own good or that of others?</p>

<p>It is better to focus on the good of others rather than on yourself. Civilisation is built on the fact that people help others over themselves. Cristiano Ronaldo The Soccer Player and my dad's best friend Michael Lavado both show how important concetrating on others good is.</p>

<p>Ronaldo donated more than three million dollars to charities that ensures children suffering from famine. That was an awesome action from such a star, and this will improve the state of these forgotten kids and create a sort of empathy and brotherhood in his fans and a lot of people around the world.</p>

<p>My dad, two years ago, was in a terrible financial crisis, to the extend that his bank was about to sell our house due to credits that are not paid in time. But fortunatly, my dad's best friend Michael Lavado was in need. Lavado borrowed my dad 200,000$ to repay the credit. So that makes my father and all the family realise the importance of others help in such crucial situations.</p>

<p>Cristiano Ronaldo saved a lot of inocent kids. Lavado helped my dad to stay standing. Focusing on the good of others create love and brotherhood that are important for humanity and the civilization goals.</p>

<p>Thank you for taking the time reading my essay.</p>

<p>Any advices?</p>

2

<p>I’m not an expert at writing essays, but I’d give it a 3 out of 6. Couple things you may want to do:</p>

<p>*Elaborate more on your examples. Unfortunately essay score is highly correlated with length. You could perhaps write about what could’ve happened if Ronaldo or Lavado didn’t do those actions.</p>

<p><em>Fix mechanical errors. Here are a few:
-Don’t capitalize “the soccer player”
-concentrating, extent, fortunately, innocent
-Focusing on the good of others *creates</em> love…
-Avoid using words like “awesome” in academic writing</p>

3

<p>I’d agree with MITer. In addition when you have prompts like “Is it better…” you should consider the opposite case to show why something is ‘better’. You show that Ronaldo’s actions are good but are they ‘better’ than anything else he could have done with the money for himself?</p>

<p>You could make this point by having a third example where the person lived only for themselves and never really found happiness.</p>