Score my essay please

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Thanks everyone!</p>

<p>__
Prompt: Does the success of a community depend upon people’s willingness to limit their personal interests?
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<p>Some, fearing oppression and a loss of freedoms, scorn the authority of government. However, the presence of a central authority is key to the protection of individual rights. Without government, there would be nothing to prevent other people from taking away all of our rights--including the right to life itself. Rejecting government for the sake of upholding personal interests is detrimental to everyone, as seen in The Lord of the Flies and the Stanford Prison Experiment.</p>

<p>In the Lord of the Flies, a group of boys are marooned on a tropical island with no adults. Without a central authority to turn to, the society on island descends into an anarchic state. The boys split into two rival factions and fight each other for dominance. At least three children are killed by the time the boys are rescued. The absence of a policing force on the island led to a chaotic state where everybody was in danger.</p>

<p>In addition, in 1978, a psychology professor at Stanford University named Phillip Zimbardo conducted an experiment where he took fifteen college age boys and put them in a prison-like environment in the basement of the university. He randomly assigned roles to each boy, having half act as prison guards and the other half act as prisoners. He then had them holed up in the basement for two weeks and observed what happened. The results were horrendous. Two prisoners had to leave early, siting psychological trauma. Within a week, the prison guards were beating prisoners, and they were having the prisoners pretend to sodomize each other. Deciding enough was enough, Zimbardo shut down the experiment less than 10 days in. Because the prison guards had nobody to tell them not to go to far, they violated the prisoners' rights, and the social environment fell apart.</p>

<p>In both the Lord of the Flies and the Stanford Prison Experiment, the lack of authority was deleterious to the members of the respective societies. A society simply cannot function unless people are willing to give up personal interests for the sake of the entire community.</p>

2

<p>7/12</p>

<p>-The writing is good
-WAYYYYYY too short
-No analysis of examples

  • YOU DON’T DIRECTLY ADDRESS THE PROMPT. You spend a lot of time talking about government, yet you never affirm the relationship between “community” and “government.” By the end, it makes sense, but you need to say it in your thesis.</p>
3

<p>^ I would agree. Check this out.</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/04/education/04education.html[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/04/education/04education.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

4

<p>Thanks for your responses. BTW, that article indicates that 400 words or more is long enough for a six. My essay has 347 words–that may be too short for a six, but is it really a 3.5? Written out, it fills both pages almost completely (2 lines unused). What do you consider “long enough”?</p>

<p>And yeah, I thought the thesis sounded a little off topic. Thanks for commenting on that. What would be a better way to rewrite my 1st paragraph to make it connect better with the prompt?</p>

5

<p>shameless bump</p>

6

<p>Diectly address the prompt in the first paragraph.
Lengthwise, I think it’s long enough</p>