Score my essay?

<p>As usual, I do not trust the 5 the online sat essay grader gave me... No matter how terrible my essay is or how many mistakes in subject-verb agreement there are, I always seem to receive a 5 from their computerized grading. -_-' </p>

<p>Topic:
Traditionally the term "heroism" has been applied to those who have braved physical danger to defend a cause or to protect others. But one of the most feared dangers people face is that of disapproval by their family, peers, or community. Sometimes acting courageously requires someone to speak out at the risk of such rejection. We should consider those who do so true heroes.</p>

<p>Should heroes be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<h2>Essay (It needs major improvement, I know.): </h2>

<p>Traditionally a hero has been defined as a one who has braved physical danger for the sake of others. However, in our modern times, there are rarely dangerous situations. Thus, a modern hero could be defined as someone with the courage to speak their mind, even if doing so would invoke the disapproval of society. Such heroes are often exemplified in literature and society, especially in Aldous Huxley's Brave New World and the Civil Rights Movement.</p>

<p>In Brave New World, the reader is introduced to John the Savage, a man raised on a reservation, one of the few places where man is still allowed to reproduce and retain culture. The rest of the world has been split into castes: alphas, betas, gammas, deltas, and epsilons. Each subsequent caste is somewhat less mentally and physically than the previous. For the purpose of stability, people are encouraged to have wanton sex and abuse the substance soma, which causes the user to experience a drunken euphoria. While this world seems like an untopia, it is more of a dystopia to John the Savage. While these inhabitants live blissful lives and suffer no diseases of the flesh, their souls have rotted beyond cure. A reader of Shakespeare, John the Savage, ultimately confonts the Controller and engages on a philosophical debate on the inhumanity of this artificial world. He decides to refuse soma , calling it a poison of the mind, and tries to convince the mindless drones of this world to do the same. However, these individuals have been conditioned to desire this drug and John is instantly assaulted by a group of deltas, both physically and verbally. John the Savage stands alone in this battle for humanity, but refuses to give in despite the world's opposition. His actions show true bavery and defines him as a hero.</p>

<p>Another individual that could be considerd a hero is Martin Luther King Jr. During his time, the national sentiment was that blacks were inferior and should remain second-class. However, King dreamed of a world where children could play together without prejudice based on the color of skin. After his great march on the capital, blacks were finally granted the rights that they deserve.</p>

<p>While Brave New World is fiction and the Civil Rights Movement is reality, both exemplify modern heroes.</p>

<p>bumppppppp</p>

<p>I would estimate that this would receive between a 7 or 8. I have a few suggestions. For one, I would suggest possibly cutting out some of the copious description of the Brave New World plot that you have provided and provide enough to put the reader "in the moment" without flooding them. The details should be more focused on the character who shows his heroism. You could replace some of the things you cut out with more detail in the paragraph about Martin Luther King, Jr. and the Civil Rights movement, so the essay is more balanced. Sufficient detail is critical when making points in SAT essays, but not super excesses of it as I was saying. Finally, it would be nice to put a bit more into the conclusion if you have time. Just make a few general statements or sum up your argument, maybe even throwing in an insightful point in your last sentence to close the essay cleanly. Do these things and I guarantee you the essay would have gotten at least a 10 if not 11 or 12.</p>

<p>About a 6-7.</p>

<p>To improve</p>

<p>-more examples (most important aspect)
-balance out your paragraph length in your examples
-tie your examples together in your conclusion more effectively (make up a quote if necessary).</p>

<p>Don't do this:</p>

<p>However, in our modern times, there are rarely dangerous situations. </p>

<p>There are plenty of dangerous situations and just say in the present because modern times sounds wierd.</p>

<p>For your examples I say set up each paragraph like so:</p>

<p>1st sentence: transition sentence and introduce the example
2nd expand on the example
3rd explain how it relates to the prompt
4th optional: expand some more and try to insert a clincher statement to make it sound ended</p>

<p>for your second and possibly third examples use the same format, but try to relate the next example to the previous one.</p>

<p>For your conclusion:</p>

<p>1st sum up all the examples and relate it to the prompt
2nd explain your conclusion. (i.e. heroes evolve with time and society; the modern hero puts himself/herself socially in danger, whereas the stereotypical hero saves a damsel in distress from a band of marauders)</p>