We visited the school. Loved it. We gave the school an accurate picture of our daughter, who has huge challenges with making friends – she is impulsive, has no filter, misses cues – and they said no problem.
But the school is small. What if she doesn’t make friends? There are only a few kids to choose from. And they don’t have the same supports as public school. She has ADHD and high functioning autism. She is super smart but socially a bit of a mess. Young for her age. Sometimes makes bad (just dumb – not BAD bad) decisions.
I can bring this all up to the school but we’ve already shared our worries and I don’t want to come across as crazy.
I’m just feeling nervous about all this. I’m sure second thoughts are normal, but I’m scared we are setting her up for failure.
Give it a try. If it doesn’t work out, you can always withdraw after a year.
How does your daughter feel about going to a boarding school at such a young age ?
Not a boarding school, but my DD went to an international school in 6th grade. THere were 25 kids in her grade, 20 of which were boys. So that left 5 girls. One girl was sort of like what you were describing…she missed social cues and would hover around people…She didn’t come back the next year.
IS there a summer program she can try?
I think it’s young for boarding school for anyone, but esp for high functioning autism and ADHD. It’s a risk. I would keep her at home and support her with appropriate social activities.
How much support is she getting now at home and school? By support, I don’t necessarily mean formal support, like something written into an IEP, but how often do you coach your child at home on how to handle social situations, help with organization, help navigate through issues and problems that occur, etc.?
If you are providing a lot of support at home, I would be concerned about whether she get that type of support at JBS. Children with ADHD and autism may need more support than a JBS can provide. You will only know if you are very clear with the JBS how you support your child at home and ask whether they can do the same. Unless they have experience supporting other children with similar diagnoses, I would be wary that they would know how to appropriately and adequately support your child.
I would try not to down play her needs. It would not be in your child’s best interests for her to go there and find that the school cannot support her adequately.
The worst case scenario may be that your child is asked to leave after a short time. Would you get some of the tuition refunded? These are things to figure out before you definitely decide to send her.
I would suggest that you be as upfront with the school as possible. If there are things you know your D will need to succeed, make sure everyone who can provide that knows, whether it’s a dorm parent, her advisor, teachers, coaches, dining staff, nurse…
I understand why you are worried. Rather than worry that you will be seen as a nut, think of it as co-parenting. Ask who you can interface with to check on how it’s going and to provide input if necessary. You will probably feel better if you are constructively engaged and you will be setting yourself up as a partner, not a meddling parent.
If there are preparatory things you’d like to do/talk about with your D over the summer, ask the school if they can help you get ahead of the curve on those, whether it’s managing a bedroom, setting an alarm, or making good selections from a buffet. It’s in everyone’s interest for her transition to be a good one
I would also consider why you originally decided to look at JBS as an option for your daughter. What motivated you? Was there something her current school was lacking and you thought JBS could provide something she wasn’t getting at home? Did you think it would be a good experience for her? Did you daughter initiate it? Revisiting your families original motives may help you decide if it is the right choice.
@Publisher she is super excited about going. She loved the school.
@bopper That might be like my daughter - I’m not sure. She doesn’t “hover around” people, but she can be awkward.
@vwlizard She has done summer camp and it’s been wonderful for her. This school is offering us financial aid for the year, though–we can’t afford summer camp this summer.
@mairlodi
We coach her a bit, but here’s not a lot we could share with them about what we do at home except that she needs CRAZY amounts of structure, which this particular school offers. I did share with them a lot about her. They know her challenges and limitations. We were very clear from the start about that because we did not want them to accept her based on false information, then find out it was not a good fit.
We would likely not get tuition refunded because we would be paying so little of it, which I would understand. I’m just guessing!
@gardenstategal thanks very much for this. I love all of these ideas. Thank you!
@cababe97 we are looking at the school for numerous reasons. She needs an environment where she can be challenged, make friends, try new things, gain some skills and independence. I worry about her making poor choices in public school, and I worry about her being bored there. There are some private day schools near us but they are super preppy/sporty - neither of which define my kid. She is creative, nerdy, awkward, and young for her age. In addition, we are not great parents to her a lot of the time. I think she could use some space to be herself. I would like to give her some room to breathe and feel comfortable in her own skin, instead of being policed all the time (by us).