Second UC Personal Statement if anyone's interested in reading

College Essays
1

<p>Prompt:</p>

<p>What is your intended major?
Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field
— such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities
— and what you have gained from your involvement.</p>

<p>Personal Statement: </p>

<p>My intended major is Computer Engineering. Everything I learn about the fields of Mathematics, Computer Science, Electrical Engineering, and Physics sparks my interest, and I know without a doubt that this is the right field for me. The beginnings of my interest in computers starts out with my two older brothers, Scott and Fred. They had a video game console, the Sega Genesis. Fitting name, as this was the first console I played and it formed me into the person I am today. Ever since I was little I would always compete with my brothers. They were strong, so I had to be strong. They were smart, so I had to get smarter. Most of all they were good at video games, so I had to learn how to control this machine better than they ever could hope. I didn’t realize that these video games we played, and the technology that allowed us to play them had such a great impact on our world until quite recently. I took them for granted until I started learning in college just what a computer really is.</p>

<p>I have been using computers all of my life, but my family got our first personal computer was when eight years old. For some reason my mother bought one for the family and opened up a subscription. I had used them at school to play Mario Teaches Typing and Oregon Trail, but they seemed far out of reach for our family. All of a sudden the entire world was condensed in our living room. Any form of information was available just by typing a string of characters into my friend’s favorite search engine, Google. I searched every single thing I could think of, and my brothers would do the same. We would play video games as well, and that’s where I learned about RAM, GPUs, CPUs, motherboards, abstract concepts that I still have so much more to learn about. I didn’t focus on the hardware, however, I tried to learn about the world around me and current events as well. All of a sudden I was empowered to form my own viewpoint of the world by doing what I now know to be research.</p>

<p>Eventually I grew up and started going to college. I still thought of computers as just a tool, something fun to use whenever I get the chance. I started college by taking Mathematics, what used to be my singly favorite subject, English, a class so easy for me I took for granted, and Biology, a class I expected to love. I wanted to major in Biology, but the memorization didn’t pique my interest. I took Chemistry the next semester, and that didn’t quite excite me as I thought it would. Eventually I moved on to Calculus, and a world of infinite possibilities was opened. My brother then recommended I take Physics, and I thought I had found my major. No, I was wrong. Again on a recommendation from my brother, I was compelled to look into Computer Science. I was apprehensive, because I thought I could make a greater impact by majoring in Physics, but that apprehension was poorly founded. I started to research Computer Science the best way I knew how, using a Computer. I was hooked. </p>

<p>I found out which classes I needed and started watching videos on Harvard Opencourseware for their introduction to Computer Science, CS50. There was so much new vocabulary I thought I had a 90 degree slope to climb. I was wrong. I took the class, and started writing Java programs in the computer lab. I was corrected so many times by my Professor, I thought my head would spin. After our first lab assignment I talked to everyone else and we all had the same experience, so I was sure I was in good company. I kept watching videos for a few more weeks and doing the lab assignments until it clicked, and I knew this field was right for me. I began to help everyone else wherever I could to make sure they would complete the lab assignments and class projects. Whenever had trouble they would do the same for me. I passed the class with an A.</p>

<p>The next semester I took Java II, Calculus III, and Physics II for Electricity and Magnetism. Physics II was a lot of hard work, but I can honestly say it is the best class I have ever taken. My Professor held us to such a high standard, and the class was so rigorous that I learned I can thrive anywhere in the UC System. I also learned from Maxwell’s Equations that the most abstract answers can seem like they are the most blatantly obvious physical truths when you put them to work. But most of all I learned that I want to become a Computer Engineer. I had received straight A’s that semester, and confidence in the field in which I intend to pursue my career.</p>

<p>I still try to tutor anyone who asks for help. I enjoy helping the programming students, because it is so applying the logic feels like playing a game. I really love it when I can help Physics and Math students, though, because teaching someone to think in those terms feels like an accomplishment in and of itself. I work part time in the computer lab for the College of San Mateo, so I get to help people with Physics, Mathematics and Computer Science every day I’m there. I now find myself watching MIT Opencourseware preparing for the day when I get to receive a formal education in Electrical Engineering and someday build computers which might be taken for granted by a curious little kid like I used to be.</p>

2

<p>959 words…?</p>

3

<p>Isn’t it 1000 word cap for 2 essays?</p>

4

<p>I did not get past the first sentence when you talk about four different fields and then say “this is the right field for me.” Which one are you talking about? Perhaps you mean computer science and the related fields of physics, mathematics, etc? Also, these are not proper nouns; there is no reason to capitalize them. And fields spark, not fields sparks.</p>

5

<p>It tells a lot about you, but the paragraphs are too dense. It seems as if you’re forcefully trying to fit your entire life on one essay. Maybe try focusing on a specific.</p>

6

<p>it baffles me how people completely ignore all the instructions for the UC personal statement. how can someone that is supposedly qualified for a UC , has 0 reading comprehension</p>

7

<p>You need to edit this. A lot of it has to go. The whole life story thing is too literal. I don’t think they care about the first computer game you played as a child, really. You can also spare them the biology etc classes you took and the grades that are sitting there on your transcript. Think of it a little more like a job interview. They want nuts and bolts here.</p>

<p>You bury the most important thing they are asking about in the very last paragraph. Flip this on its head and start with your strengths.</p>

<p>Try to stay away from ‘a world of infinite possibilities was opened’. First, that is passive voice. But it is just gobbelty-gook. It doesn’t mean anything. Write precisely.</p>

<p>I have no idea what this means: because it is so applying the logic feels like playing a game</p>

8

<p>are you aware that you are supposed to write both two personal statements for UC schools? If so how on earth can you finish your other essay within , like , 50 words?</p>

9

<p>I don’t think I made a couple things clear so I want to add so maybe I can be more helpful. If you notice, the transfer essay is quite different than the ‘tell us about your world’ essay for prospective freshmen. It is more direct. So I think you need to be more practical about how you answer the question. Read it again. In your draft here, you spend way too much time on childhood things instead of addressing the prompt, which some people have tried to point out.</p>

<p>At the end you say that you work part time in the Computer lab at college. That is the sort of direct experience that should be highlighted, not buried at the end. You might talk about how you landed that because I’m sure you need a certain level of expertise and confidence from whomever hired you. Talking about your courses is find if it is just a list. Talking about a prof who pushed you is good. It isn’t too specific here but that is okay. You might want to combine your doing extra opencourseware in one place instead of two. I don’t know that it counts for much but it show initiative and interest. Don’t ‘find yourself watching’ like some kind of alien controls you, though, just say you take the extra time to watch it from interest.</p>

<p>I don’t really think the storyline of playing video games as a child (and please don’t say the Sega Genesis formed you into the person you are today!) and Oregon Trail and being a computer user like everyone else of your generation is a compelling backdrop in explaining your major. I do think the explanation of being strong in math and physics makes more sense to show relevant competencies, and having explored other majors is is relevant as it speaks to finding your strengths and interests.</p>

<p>If you eliminate the child based stuff you will have a more reasonable sized essay. You might have room to address the prompt more and mention specific projects or other related things. Have you built stuff or take things apart and put things together, or worked on cars or anything? Just something to think about. Good luck, and probably shouldn’t post your essay online next time, ask for readers.</p>

10

<p>Thanks for all the replies.</p>

11

<p>The essay is too long, so you really need to revise it. Also, I would say to refrain from talking about your classes. I mean, the prompt is asking about you, not how well you were doing in your classes.</p>