Seeking advice from parents whose kids have crashed and burned

I have a very, very bright daughter with ADHD and depression. She was thought to have non-verbal learning disorder, but testing resulting in the diagnosis of inattentive ADD. I still believe she is somewhere on the spectrum as I have several family members with Asperger’s. She has always been a little different, kind of operated on her own plane, but always had a few friends. She scored high on her ACT, graduated with a 3.65 GPA, and was offered admission to most all of the colleges that she applied to. We anticipated the struggle in college, as she only started waking up on her own senior year, so it was very important that they had a good disability office. Ideally, she would have chosen a school with the TRIO program, which I thought would be perfect for her in several ways, but she chose a different school that did not have the program, but had a very supportive disability counselor. DD had no problem getting her letter for accommodations and talking to her professors, and the year started ok. We met with her disability advisor, and encouraged DD to meet with the advisor weekly as was offered to her. Unbeknownst to us, of course, she was not doing well at all, wasn’t seeing her counselor or seeking help. She dropped one class and just stopped going to another as she struggled with her ADHD, leading her to begin to sink into depression. By November she was asking us about dropping out. She was very close to finals so we encouraged her to seek help, finish the semester, and we would evaluate things when she returned home. While at home she saw her psychiatrist and changed her meds. By January she felt that she was ready to go back, and had a plan in place with her disability advisor to be successful. By the end of February she crashed again, and needed to come home. She was in the midst of a deep depression and almost could not function. She withdrew from the semester, and with the help of her docs at home, she was granted a medical withdrawal for the first semester. After about a month at home she started a part-time job, one she held before going to school, and decided to take one class during the summer. It was two credits, she did great and earned an A. The whole time she was attending counseling and seeing her pdoc regularly(although not taking her meds regularly, nor had she been at school). By the fall she felt she was ready to take classes again, this time while living at home and attending CC(with accommodations). She was working about 12 hours a week, and had four classes, which was her choice. She ended the semester with an A, B, D, and F. She just stopped going, we had no idea, when a couple of her classes got hard. We were not surprised, though, because we never saw her study or do homework.

Our issues with DD are not only with school, but with life in general. I think because she is so bright and didn’t have to work hard in HS she doesn’t know how to work hard, and this was her first experience in failing anything. But, she doesn’t want to ask others for help, she wants to take care of everything herself even if she can’t. She hates taking her meds, and doesn’t most of the time but says she does, and hates anyone knowing that she has any issues or struggles. She had to quit her job because she was going to get fired, largely because I think she thought she was doing better at it than she was, mainly because she wasn’t taking her meds and just wasn’t paying attention to things that she should have been. She is still(reluctantly) going to counseling, and hit a rough spot again a few weeks ago with her depression. She wasn’t taking care of herself, not going to school, thinking about moving out but depressed because she has no where to go, etc. Had a family meeting with her counselor, and she is back on meds again.

So, here we are. My daughter will be 20 in April, and we have no idea what to do. She wants to take classes again this semester, and says she knows she will do much better. I am not sure why. I think she is better about her meds, and seems to be on the upswing. But, she is not in school at the moment and has no job, so she is enjoying hanging on the computer all day long. I have no idea what we should be doing. I don’t know what to do with a kid that really would prefer to live in my house forever, but is angry half of the time that she is here and has rules(typical stuff). I worry so much because she is so immature. I don’t know how to help her when she refuses to help herself half of the time. She knows that she wants to go to college, but is unsure of what she wants to do with her life. I am scared to death that she is going to end up on the street somewhere because she will flunk out of college and be unable to hold a job.

If there is anyone who has faced anything similar to this, do you have any advice on what to do next? We are truly at a loss.

Thank you.

Midwestmom2013, I am sorry this is happening with your daughter. Something similar happened with the daughter of one of my friends, but of course these cases are all so unique that it is difficult to give any advice because your daughter/situation could be completely different. That said, I will share with you her story just in case you might find a kernel of something helpful in it.

My friend’s daughter had some issues in high school as well, possibly on the spectrum but also just a touch of depression. She went off to school and did ok…until she didn’t. She crashed spectacularly and came home. She saw her doctor…and when nothing was changing they switched her to another…who was also baffled…and after many months they found a psychiatrist who determined that she was bipolar. She was started on meds, but unfortunately the diagnosis was so delayed that she was close to (or maybe actually did) suffer a “psychotic break.” This meant it took many more months of intensive therapy to bring her back.

But…she did come back! She did spend a couple of years at home, on medication and with frequent visits to her doctor, but during that time she did attend classes locally and began to get her life back together.

Last year, she went back to her original university and is doing amazingly well. The trick is, she has to stay on her meds, and they do need occasional adjusting. I guess this is the hardest part, because people tend to feel that they are “all better” and don’t want to take their meds. This girl, however, fully understands the importance of her medication and stays on them. She is going to graduate this spring and I think she has been interviewing for jobs and doing well with that.

So…perhaps make sure that your daughter has been given the correct diagnosis and is taking the right meds? Apparently, according to my friend, the later teens and young 20’s is when certain types of mental illness erupt for the first time. Before that, milder or different diagnoses are given, but may not necessarily apply anymore.

And above all, please stay supportive. I can imagine it would be difficult when it seems that there is no end in sight and nothing is getting better, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things.

Thank you for your reply, prospect1. It is encouraging to read of a positive outcome. I am afraid that we are waiting for her to become mature enough to realize that it is very possible that she will be dealing with depression for the rest of her life, and that meds can really help. I think some of the issues that she deals with because of her ADD contribute to the depression, and she is really going to have to deal with both to be successful. We are planning to talk to her doc about her diagnosis since it has been 3.5 years since she received that diagnosis with a different doctor. I feel like eventually she will get there, but because she has to do it on her own it may be a long time. But, it is nice to know of the possibility of light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks again.

Midwestmom, Sorry to hear about your daughter. I have a son who crashed and burned his first term in college. We are trying to help him transfer to a local state university whom he was admitted for the fall but now had to reapply again for spring. But his grades are so bad(2Fs, 2Ds), we are afraid they might reject him even though his SAT and HS GPA are higher than the students admitted. Failing that we have to start him at a community college My son had communication disorder(asperger) and slow processing speed problem. We know a friend’s daughter battled depression, ended up at a small state u for 2 years and just transferred to the flagship state university. What I have learned from the past few months is that “hope for the best but always prepare for the worst”. Best of luck with everything!

I just found this thread. Ds sounds a lot like the children described above. Aspergers/gt through school. Low motivation but kicked it up at the end for a 3.8gpa and very high ACT. Was convinced he was ready to become independent ( none through hs) and go away for engineering. He’s so articulate and passionate about it at home-he had a scholarship and we hoped he was ready. Like the others, socially he was withdrawn (how can you make it through school without study groups and friends?!), buried in his computer world (no anxiety that way), and didn’t communicate with us how he was doing. Everything was always “ok”. Despite the fact that he was supposed to be seeing a counselor as a requirement for the Ped prescribing his meds (for anxiety and ADD, which he’d been on for years), I doubt he went it if he did, he was "ok ". Darn laws, he’s over 18… I don’t know the answer because I’m trying to find out his options now . Anything you’ve learned?