Need Help for College Freshman Struggling Daughter

Parents Forum Learning Differences and Challenges - LD, ADHD
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<p>Our youngest child is a freshman at a small liberal arts school. We have long considered her to have Asperger's Syndrome, though she is not formally diagnosed. We expected her to have some difficulties adjusting to college, but we did not expect the troubles she is having.</p>

<p>Her Issues:
1) She has received some failing grades on tests, middling grades on other assignments, and a few good grades with support.
2) She meets weekly with an Academic Services support person, weekly or more often with her professors, and has an academic (older peer) coach. Many people have/are trying to help her.
3) She had to drop one of her courses this semester, because of such a low failing test score.
4) She entered college with very high SAT scores, a high GPA, several good AP test scores, and other academic awards under her belt. She was in the Honors Program the fall semester, but only earned honors in one course due to low grades.
5) She entered college on a very good scholarship, and she will lose all/most of it, due to her grades this year.
6) She never remembers what grades she has gotten on anything, how far she is on tracking music practice hours, or anything like that. I have to push her for information, or look up her grades online myself (she gave me permission).
7) She loses her keys, has left her laptop sitting in hallways, and can't manage to carry a cell phone, answer calls, or answer texts.
8) Even with monitoring (RescueTime) her computer usage shows too many hours playing games.
9) She was put on antidepressants at the college health center, plus goes to bi-weekly counseling. She has trouble sleeping.
10) She eats most meals alone, her roommate moved out, and I think she does not interact much on her dorm floor.</p>

<p>I will add that she was homeschooled all her life, but we also homeschooled our older 3 children, and all 3 have excelled in college/grad. school. So this is definitely more than just an adjustment issue.</p>

<p>What is concerning us most is that even with help of people at her college, she is not improving in her ability to handle things, she is not learning from experience. </p>

<p>We are at quite a loss what to do with her for her future. She loves her college and does not want to live at home, but her executive functioning seems to be impaired more than I had realized even. I really did not expect her to have the academic issues she is having. She's very very bright, but her future is not looking bright at the moment.</p>

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<p>I hope you can reach out to her college advisor and counseling team to see what else you can do for support. The change from home schooling to college may be more pronounced for someone on the autism spectrum and it sounds like she needs quite a bit more support than she is receiving. If she feels isolated without anyone, and among strangers, that is going to compound things. Not much advice, but I hope it works out. Time to reassess things and plan for the fall semester.</p>

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<p>I would suggest taking a look at some of the colleges that offer special programs for students with executive function issues. I know there a few scattered throughout the country.</p>

<p>Landmark College specializes in LD/ASD/EF and has some short term programs such as summer or a bridge semeter, as well as full college programs. Take a look at their website.</p>

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<p>I wish I had a magic wand to lend you, but this is a pretty familiar story. College has so many organizational challenges that I’m amazed by any students with LD being successful from the get go. You are not wrong to be concerned and stressed and anxious.</p>

<p>I read your post and think some of these things have to be a lower priority for you. You can’t tackle all of this. What her grades are on any individual assignment, for example, and the scholarship issue. Probably the gaming issues, since you can’t actually DO anything on a daily basis. Get her one of those remotes that locate keys, etc. – they aren’t very expensive and my ADHD son really likes his, because it’s one thing he no longer stresses about, or makes him late. He pushes the button on his laptop case (he never misplaces the laptop) and the remote attached to his car keys starts to honk. Ditto the wallet, and the coat (still can’t find a coat). </p>

<p>My limited impression from this forum is that most LD students do much, much better with a significantly reduced classload. That of course means a longer timeline, or summer classes, or both – but it seems to help a lot. </p>

<p>Lastly, it took me a long time to accept that my son does not “learn by experience”. He just doesn’t. He wants to, he tries to, he knows that is valuable, but it just isn’t true for him that falling down a million times makes him more careful or whatever. It just makes him hurt. Assure your daughter of your love, attend to what is workable, reject conventional ideas of success, and best of luck. And a ((hug)) for you both.</p>

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<p>Your daughter was homeschooled, which I visualize as being like “one-on-one” tutoring, with significant instructive monitoring and assistance, similar to a self-contained special education classroom, with little opportunity for student to function truly independently and self-sufficently. Would you agree with that assessment of your daughter’s homeschooling experience? As part of “homeschooling”, were you performing much of her “executive functioning” responsibilities such as paperwork organization, filing, assignment monitoring, etc., or removing them altogether by omitting need to check e-mail for grades, assignments, group projects, etc.?</p>

<p>You term your daughter as “likely Aspergers” but apparently never confirmed diagnosis, and likely never had her evaluated for learning disabilities either, correct? (Neuropsychological testing) That professional evaluation is overdue. If your daughter truly has AS and/or LDs, she won’t “mature out of it” and it’s more than “toughing it out”. She needs relevant evaluations, possible academic accommodations, and perhaps more serious psychological monitoring and/or medication. College success for students with AS also requires a great deal of self-monitoring, motivation, and redirection by students themselves, which apparently your daughter can’t do yet. </p>

<p>Homeschooling atmosphere is very different from high school environment (and expectations), as well as college environment and its expectations. A well-adjusted student can navigate the dramatic change in educational environment. Your daughter apparently has more significant challenges, including serious executive functioning issues, as you outlined. She clearly is struggling, and likely now sinking.</p>

<p>When is semester over? Are you confident that she can “hold it together” to make it to semester’s end? Does she need you to come and help her, support her? (Staying in nearby motel/hotel.) Please do not wait until she flunks out, or has a mental breakdown, because she seems by your description at high risk for both at present.</p>

<p>Your daughter probably would do better academically as a commuter student living at home, with you providing the monitoring and support. Even though her grades/scores were excellent, it’s apparent she wasn’t ready for the “leaving home” experience of residential campus life. Many parents of AS students have faced similar concerns, the further complication here is your daughter’s quantum leap from homeschooling to residential college in a single flying leap. Best wishes to you and your daughter; please go read older posts of Cardinal Fang and Missypie regarding their AS students’ experiences and what happened after the initial failure at college.</p>

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<p>In my opinion, a problem with home schooling is that it just can’t duplicate the personal and interactive rigors of the ordinary classroom, which in itself is an important test. Without the experience I think the severity of your daughters problems like depression and the inability to interact with people went unappreciated. Mainly because of her past school success, if financially possible, keep her where she is, making sure that she is taking her medications, turning off the games, etc. All the while praying that she can turn it around. GL</p>

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<p>Homeschooling: Our dd did some real-life group classes. In those situations, she was known as super-smart, and kind of quirky, by her peers. Maybe it’s because the level of work was easier than college-level, or the tests were non-essay, but she did well academically, and passable socially. </p>

<p>She also took several academically rigorous online courses. Some executive functioning issues did pop up there, but I guess I was close at hand to catch her misses/mistakes before they went too far. I could see a pattern that she was somewhat weak in answering essay-based tests. We WORKED on this very hard the last 2 years of high school, with only some improvement. (She tends to assume the reader will know what she is talking about; a theory of mind issue.) </p>

<p>I did teach her/require her to use Google calendar the last 2 years of high school, and I made sure she took the time schedule her work, and knew how to do this. She still does use Google calendar; to the degree to which she uses it, it is helpful to her. This was, for my 3 older children, one of the best preparations of homeschooling: They were in charge of their own schedules, and were well-prepared for time management in college. </p>

<p>With this youngest child, I do think it is possible that I was helping her Executive Functioning more than I realized. I did not do things for her, but I guess that even my reminders, and the natural structuring of our home life, provided a framework for her that she could not replicate on her own at college.</p>

<p>There are 4 weeks left for her. I do think she can finish out the year. I will be going up there for several events in the next few weeks, so can be there to encourage her. She also just gave me and her Academic Services Support person both the right to speak to her doctors regarding her medications. That’s a positive step. </p>

<p>Very helpful suggestion to look up older posts from Missy Pie and Cardinal Fang. I have found some already, and one thing I realized I should do is to call the college’s Financial Aid office and clarify what might happen with dd’s scholarship, so I at least know where we will stand.</p>

<p>My husband and I are in agreement that we should pursue a formal diagnosis for our daughter. It would give us a clearer picture of what she is dealing with, and also make our case stronger even for getting her all the support she needs.</p>

<p>One thing we can’t yet wrap our heads around: Is the goal here to get daughter to successfully complete college and graduate? Or should the goal be to turn out a human being who has the social and functioning skills needed to hold down a job? I’m sure the answer is both. But it’s not always clear which practices will help daughter now to make it through, or which are more helpful in the long run.</p>

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<p>If you can do it, I’d just go stay in her college town for a while, and support her as much as possible for the next four weeks. I would operate as if in “crisis-mode”. I’ve a friend who did so for her freshman daughter at a top LAC two years ago; she stayed for two weeks in a nice motel, her daughter stayed with her, they worked on her papers together, and the daughter wrapped-up the semester ok. For AS kids, “helicoptering” is totally ok and often necessary. Please don’t feel that you need to be hands-off. And don’t feel personally criticized by CC posters yammering about “independence” and “hands-off parenting”; we’re in a different situation altogether.</p>

<p>It would be so helpful to have your daughter evaluated both for AS as well as LDs, and then consider options for school, career, living arrangements, and treatment opportunities. The employment picture for AS adults can look quite grim. But I think that career choice and gameplan are extremely important, and parental monitoring needed for far longer than average. Temple Grandin has written alot about specific careers that are “good fits” for AS persons. Personally, I think it’s also important that AS students attend colleges that are not too rigorous academically or too elite, even if that AS student’s scores/GPA would merit attendance otherwise. It’s important that the student not be overwhelmed, whether academically and/or socially - it seems both are occurring now for your daughter.</p>

<p>I’ve read that AS students often rely upon video games and online gaming as “alone-time” stress-relief from life’s demands. Could this be your daughter’s situation too?</p>

<p>Finally, I’d be wary of Student Health Services’ prescription of anti-depressants without a formal diagnosis. Many AS folks take anti-depressants, for treatment of anxiety, OCD, and/or depression, but it’s usually with full understanding of underlying psychological issues.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the wisdom and caring advice. Update: I’m up at her college now. I was able to meet with her academic support person (the one to whom she is most accountable) helping to clarify what my student needs to do this week. Also had a meeting with dd’s nurse-practitioner, had better explanation of the depression & meds, and set up first meeting with psychiatrist to do a full evaluation. We’ll be going with Dr. in the college town; it is 2 hrs. from home. The idea is to get her fully evaluated for autism spectrum plus potential ADD, over the summer. And then if it works for dd to continue at her college (would be her choice, and our hope) then she can continue to see that Dr. throughout the next school year; he comes to campus.
Without my instigating it, her RD notified us that the plan is for our daughter to have her same room next year, and to not have a roommate, unless college finds it absolutely necessary due to number. I’m good with that. I think dd needs her own room to decompress. She’s had her own room since Feb. now. I do see pros and cons, but overall, I think it’s the right decision.
I’m here being a support person; I think dd is sick of me being here after 24hrs. but too bad. She’s at a point in her semester where she has just 2 big projects to finish, and not much in the way of structured class periods left. This throws her for a bit of a loop, even though she thinks she likes it. She does better when her time is planned out for her.
So I am here for support, nudging, and asking questions like “what do you have planned for today?”, trying to get her to do the planning for herself, but with me to ask the right questions.
It’s not easy!</p>

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<p>Nothing to add, because you have already gotten really good advice. Just wishing you the best as you work through this difficult time.</p>

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<p>Glad you decided to go see your DD and stay around. Sounds as if you’ve a solid plan for investigating underlying neuropsych issues, and single room sounds like a great idea. It seems school is supportive of your daughter, and encouraging.</p>

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<p>So last week I was up here for about 3 days, and then gone for 4 days. Back up again, by plan, to enjoy dd’s orchestra concert, and then meet with people, most especially Dr. tomorrow to begin the formal evaluation process. </p>

<p>DD registered for an online summer course through her college, which will allow her to earn another 4 credits this summer. Course is spread throughout the summer, so should not be overwhelming and dd can do a little part-time work and work on life skills also.</p>

<p>Reduced her course load for fall, also, with her Academic Support Person. Still registered for full-time, but low load. </p>

<p>We are considering many options, such as moving to part-time status (has many ramifications, though), and pursuing possible apartment living very close to college. Idea being I may move with dd for a year (college has requirement that she live on-campus unless with a parent for first 2 years), and gradually teach/wean her so her final 2 years of college, she could stay in same apartment, and manage it on her own. Just one option we’re looking at.</p>

<p>But thing are definitely looking up. Monitoring dd’s meds & bedtime a bit more is helping. She’s just not ready to tackle all that on her own yet.</p>

<p>So glad I took advice to come up here!</p>

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<p>MM: glad you went! Best wishes for the summer, and towards addressing issues.</p>

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<p>Your daughter sounds so much like my son several years ago when he entered school. I’m wondering how much of this shows up in youngest children? Although technically he was not our youngest child, he was our first son with three older sisters and then we had another son when he was five–so for several years he was functionally the youngest child. All three of my daughters are like me in being very conscientious and responsible, and we all probably performed a lot of his EF responsibilities.<br>
How is her motivation? Does she have goals that she seriously wants to achieve, or is she just going through college by default?</p>

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<p>OP, sounds like progress is being made. I do have a nit-picky question: is it the psychiatrist who is doing the evaluation? Psychiatrists (and most psychologists) are not trained to do the complete neuropsychological testing that our children need, which involves assessing many ways of thinking, learning, and executive function. I hope you find a neuropsychologist to do this. </p>

<p>Your comments about planning the schedule made me realize that my son uses the daily planner published by his school. I need to put some thought into what he will do once he graduates. Thank you.</p>

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<p>Many of us have been where you are, as have our children. You are doing a good job of supporting your D. Her situation is complex, as are many, and she and you need support from several different angles. The neuro psyc testing is critical. Psychiatrist important both to oversee meds and mental health. School academic support services important. Deans/advisors need to be on board. It is also really important to work with a trained ADD/HD specialist who can help to clear away the clutter and start your D down the road of organizing and taking responsibility for herself. It can sound like fluff or like a nice to have but who has time or money or “aren’t all these other support folks enough?” but it is an important piece of the puzzle to help get these kids on course. </p>

<p>Good luck to you. It isn’t easy but she is lucky to have you in her corner.</p>

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<p>@Calla1: You are right; the psychiatrist will not be evaluating her. I misunderstood that. We had a 1 hr. appt. and he advised getting our dd a full evaluation for ASD; he did say he thought it was likely. </p>

<p>@behindthecurve: I think you are right, that being the youngest is a piece of the puzzle. It’s a contributing factor, probably, but not the root cause. That part of the puzzle, we can fix!</p>

<p>Depending partly on how her final grades turn out, and the diagnosis/diagnoses, we are considering part-time enrollment next year. Need to be sure of all the ramifications of that. </p>

<p>She will also be taking a summer-long online course, which she is excited about, and I think should work well, since it will be part-time.</p>

<p>She’s home now, finishing her final Computer Science online project today, and then this first year’s a wrap.</p>

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<p>I have been following this discussion, and my heart goes out to you, MakeMom and your daughter. It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to help her. Our S is ADD, will be attending a small LAC in the fall although we really hoped he would take a gap year. He insists he is ready for college, but there are so many problems with executive functioning, test-taking, and other things, my wife and I are both very worried, and unfortunately we both have fulltime jobs and so we could not easily go and be with him if he begins to struggle. So I guess we will take a deep breath and give it a try. In the worst case scenario he could withdraw after a semester and then we would try something else. I just would hate it if he had a really negative experience, might convince him that he can never succeed in college.</p>

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<p>Update: We had our daughter tested/evaluated this summer, and we just received the rough draft results. Our daughter not only has Asperger’s Syndrome, but also ADD. She especially has a slow processing disorder; the results on the testing were striking. </p>

<p>I think that because she is very bright (also borne out by the testing), she was able to do well in school until the work load/expectations became too much for her in college, and she struggled to keep up. </p>

<p>The good side is the Dr. thinks that with medication, many of our daughter’s issues can be helped, and she might be able to do a lot better academically. </p>

<p>We will now be reconsidering what she should do in the fall, now that we have diagnoses.</p>

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<p>Congratulations on having a diagnosis. It is a mixed blessing but it is mostly a blessing because you can start to put practices in place to set her up to succeed. Don’t feel pressure to do anything if you don’t feel she is ready. Good luck!</p>