Semester not working out so well....surprise, not

Ok. My lesson learned is that we should have said register at disabilities office or no school and it would have probably done the same thing: No school and no college credits equals school without help because I am too embarrassed to ask for help and no credits.

It’s almost that bad. My son finally admitted he needed help and did the necessary paperwork yesterday and had at least a c in all classes because of zeros until finals. Didnt pass his piano final, threw up during his aural skills final and probably flunked that one too and teacher is checking to see if he can allow a retake…

I really was way too optomistic. He did go to an academic coach this semester but having such poor executive function and little to no insight into his actual challenges equals a disaster…

Am I stupid to allow him to try again this spring semester? I will wait to see what happens with grades but since he now is sick and can’t keep anything down, his borderline grades will most likely be flunking.

Can I call the department head of his school? What does one do in this kind of situation?

Well, registering with disabilities was a condition of my son being allowed to go away to college (as opposed to commute from home to our local university). So he did do it, and I made sure we met together with the disabilities director on move in day. Has my son been back in the disabilities office? Nope. And as I’m sure you know, they aren’t going to monitor, the student has to ask for help.

In your shoes I’d certainly call the school. I would probably start with the dean of students and go from there. I think you want to get the academic support people on the same page before approaching professors.

That’s true about registering but not going. Who do you recommend I talk to? The disability office first? Or just the dean first? I’m uncertain what to even say.

Has he been approved yet for accommodations? It sounds like he just turned in the paperwork if I understand correctly. You could certainly start with disabilities - would not hurt - but they may say they haven’t reviewed his file yet. If it were my son I would start with office of academic support or the dean of students and say, my son has given me permission to speak with you (hopefully that’s true), he has a disability (ADHD) which I have learned was not well managed this semester and has led to some serious issues while at college – I need to understand his options or where to go assist him in getting help. We understand he is in academic trouble but he is not clear on where to turn.

When you have a kid with a disability, helicoptering comes with the territory. You can’t listen to anyone who tells you to butt out and let him sink or swim.

No return phone calls yet. Nice.

Can someone pm me a good adhd coach?

Remember that the dean can’t discuss your son with you unless you have a FERPA waiver. What I did was to call dean, and say “I’m not identifying my student because I know you are bound by FERPA,” and then I asked general questions about possible courses of action. Of course I could have gotten my son to sign a waiver, but it’s bureaucratic and I needed answers fast.

Not all schools are cooperative in providing a FERPA waiver form for your kid to sign. At my D2’s college, she had to hand write a letter requesting access to her academic records for me, and they rejected the first one and made her do it again! Finally they accepted one with the two of us standing in the registrars office. And then the registrar asked me to go through him with any requests for info (which I did not commit to). I haven’t actually used it, but it makes me furious that it was so hard to accomplish.

I have all his log in information So i can see grades and correspondence but I do need Ferpa I guess to discuss details. I will ask how it is done. I want to know if they can help or not. If not, why would I spend all of our money for him to go there? This is beyond frustrating.

I would like to make a contract with my son. I realize his add has completely overwhelmed him but the severity of his consequences this semester has me doubting the value of sending him back.

I do think he can handle the academics but he had missed classes and didn’t get all work turned in. Is it worth sending him one more semester and give him one last chance to work with his disability? Or do we make him take spring semester off? If it was any other major, I wouldn’t be so hesitant. He is a cello major and taking time off without a good teacher back home would possibly hinder his chances of returning. And if he goes back what steps do we take for his optimal success?

The academic coach at the school just wasn’t very helpful. It was the main reason we sent him to this school besides the music department. I’m still gathering information on what they can do to help him.

Please Add To This list.

  1. Attend all classes. Ask friends in class to wake you up on way to class for insurance besides alarm. They live on the same floor.
  2. Weekly or biweekly check in with academic coach to plan the weeks schedule, learn how to effectively use technology to do this. Set up deadline and assignment alarms on fone, check in that all assignments were turned in on time and if not, come up with a plan that will help.
  3. I'm not going to ask for a 3.0 GPA yet. I'm going to ask that all assignments get done and to attend every class. And give an incentive that we pay for transportation to his old hometown (we just moved) if he meets guidelines at the end of scool year.
  4. Work all summer and use most of earnings minus gas and small spending allowance towards school tuition.

Any thoughts?

OK, this is a wild and crazy thought - but can you go live near his school temporarily to stay on his case literally every week? He can live on campus but as a condition of financial help you have to meet X times per week, text daily, etc. (whatever you think would help).

I realize that’s not possible for many parents. Just throwing it out there.

Is it possible to hire a one-on-one coach that he would meet with a couple times a week to help him stay on track? I’d make that a condition of allowing him to return. It may just not be possible for him to do this on his own without more scaffolding.

We can hire a coach. It will be outrageous. But would be worth it if effective.it’s a 100 an hour. I just don’t know if we can afford 800 a month in coaching

Since we don’t have daycare, I can’t just go live there. And my husband isn’t being very sympathetic. He is a psychiatrist! Maybe we can have Skype meetings. My husband will be working from home soon, so I might be able to live closer temporarily but my son doesn’t respond well to me. It is better for a trusted adult. I’m not sure what to do.

Not in favor of the idea of you going to live there. The cost of you going to live there would have to be as much or more than a coach. And then what about the burden on you? My relationship with my son improved 100% when I allowed impartial professionals to do their job.

Is ADHD your son’s only diagnosis? There are many ADHD coaches around. I imagine the quality will vary. If there is anything else going on…spectrum, etc. you’ll need someone with that expertise. You don’t say where you are and where your son is but there are many regional organizations (at least here in New England) that could help steer you in the right direction.

With regard to the contract, “one last chance” is a lot of pressure. It’s not his “last chance” at life. I don’t think in a kid with a disability that this type of thing is useful. He most likely wants to do better, but he’s lacking the skills to do so. If he can’t fulfill the contract (and how could he, without additional help and tools), failure becomes a source of shame. You want to help him succeed.

@cellomom6, do you have a Department of Rehab in your community or state?

The reason I ask is that we had a number of students who were eligible for services with a job/life coach through the Department of Rehab funded, in our state, by the State of California. The families were introduced to the DoR at the IEP after their 16th birthday and usually signed up for the services at the high school and the services continued into college.

That meant the “job” coach kept the student “organized” and met weekly with the student to review school work, job pressures, questions, etc. I just ran into a couple of my students from 10 years ago and they are working. (I think their job coaches were able to work with the DSS staff at the local university through some written permission with the college).

I will check, but I don’t think so. He is out of state but has residence through his bio dad.

Snowdog. You’ve made a really good point. I don’t want to make things worse, but it does need to be clear that we are going to expect certain things for him to keep going. Perhaps a general contract. I reviewed his syllabus and he couldn’t even explain grading criteria or attendance expectations. He needs to at least know what class expectations are to even make a plan.

So sorry you’re going through all this, your son too. It’s really hard to worry yourself sick about them. <> Hoping you get peace and clarity on what to do next.

Actually now that you mention his syllabus stuff, I can share what I did with my son in terms of a management calendar. PM me if you want to discuss further.

I am sending you a pm!