<p>Are you having him go through some kind of rehab or counseling regarding his alcohol use. Studies show if they are abusing in high school it will get worse in college. If so then you can share this aspect of his situation with the colleges during the interview. Colleges deal with YOUNG PEOPLE who are far from perfect. And while it might not have an impact on his admission it could with a potential scholarship. However, if they are assured that your son is not only remorseful but also recovering (so to speak) from his problem then perhaps the damage will be minimized and his scholarships not adversely impacted or less so.</p>
<p>Have him present the situation as a learning experience. Perhaps even write an assay about it to submit. Keeping it quiet is not an option so the best way to proceed is to somehow turn this negative into a positive if not possible then at the least the perception of it.</p>
<p>hiking: I’m glad to hear you are meeting with a family counselor. We did the same and we met with our pastor. Take one day at a time and try to make decisions based on intellect, not emotion.</p>
<p>My younger (50!) brother’s response to our son’s marriage: The interstate will get you where you want to go the fastest, but the winding, side roads are more scenic.</p>
<p>hiking - good luck to your son! I agree with almost everything on this thread so far. It’s a very common mistake for teens. It will not be the end of a bright future for a smart and hardworking student such as your son. He will probably come to appreciate you very much for being calming and loving, as well as firm and frank with him during this crisis - it very well may form stronger bonds between you. While the penalty seems huge at this point in his life, he very well may have learned an important lesson relatively cheaply. We read all the time about teens (or adults) who learn the same lesson - sometimes mistakes have very real and very severe consequences - but sometimes the lesson is learned through much more painful circumstances - jail, injury, death, loss of custody of children, etc. </p>
<p>your son will make it through this and hopefully he will have grown up a fair amount because of it. Best of luck -</p>
<p>I know you are sleep deprived but what happened isn’t as bad as a car accident where there is a fatality.</p>
<p>You son is going to get through this. You need to get on your son’s side, I think your sleep deprivation is making you a little too sympathetic to the school’s point of view.</p>
<p>I find the school’s intolerance out of proportion to the offense and I know that since it is a private school you don’t have much leverage. That doesn’t mean that you need to see this the way they do.</p>
<p>Assuming that the colleges ultimately find out about this incident I think some of them will be willing to view this as a mistake your son made and he will be offered admission.</p>
<p>Family counseling is a good start. Something more specialized might be as well. Specifically, chemical abuse counseling. There are family counselors who specialize in chemical abuse.</p>
<p>Both my kids went to second-tier boarding schools–the kind where kids bounced from other schools showed up to finish their last semester or even their last quarter. Ask your son where kids bounced from his school go to finish, if that appeals to you. Works better than public school.</p>
<p>I have not been through this exact situation, but have certainly been through equally disappointing, life changing situations with my older boys. There is nothing quite like that feeling of someone punching you in the gut for something you didn’t even do. Olderwisermom is wiser. Listen to her advise. You just have to take it one day at a time and seperate the emotion from the process. Wait at a least 24 hours between decisions, or at least making decisions final. Your son’s worst enemy right now is himself. This event has the potential to define him, destory him, or reivent him. The role you and your husband play will be important in that outcome. Tread cafefully. Do not ignore his susbstance abuse. Alcohol is a drug and should be treated as such. The lure of intoxication is what made him override his sensibilities. That has to be addressed before all else. College is secondary or you will be here in two years with a repeat story.</p>
<p>I wish that parents wouldn’t overstate the case with incidents like this. Handle this right, and twenty years from now you’ll be chuckling about this at Thanksgiving and telling him that he has some karma coming when your grandkids hit their teens. He screwed up, he’ll live with tough consequences (which might include going to a public university, at least for the first year or two of college, plus whatever bonus penance you think appropriate), and chances are, he’ll grow up and be just fine, as he would have at the scholarship schools.</p>
<p>A lot of parents, including some on this board, have suffered REAL worst nightmares with their kids. If your kid taking a gap or PG year is the worst thing you can imagine, these parents have some late-night phone calls to talk to you about.</p>
<p>Hiking1011- my heart goes out to you, as we have friends who have been through this, and it is not fun. Seeing a counselor is a great idea. There is a real sense of grief for everyone concerned (including the friends left at the old school) when a student gets separated from a place where they were a valued member of the community.</p>
<p>Hanna- From where the OP stands, this is devastating and IS a nightmare. We all know- including the OP- that it isn’t the absolute worst thing in the world. Her son is alive, not in jail and hasn’t been diagnosed with a disease. However, their hopes for his future have taken a big hit as a result of one stupid decision. </p>
<p>I also would not be ready to assume the kid abuses alcohol based on what we know. The majority of drinking high schoolers are not alcoholics. We’ve had this argument before. It would be more likely that there are issues of entitlement or invincibility that need to be addressed.</p>
<p>It’s my opinion, and I don’t condone drinking, but the expulsion reaction as a senior mid year has disproportionate consequences to the OP’s S.
An attorney (even though there’s perhaps no legal action) can point out and advocate on the student’s behalf to a different consequence. Perhaps voluntary attendance at alcohol use programs and community service rather than being removed from the institution? The parents cannot argue as effectively as a hired gun-- perhaps even one who graduated from and has some affiliation with the school. There’s also PR here-- the OP said her S was a scholarship student at the school-- it’s in the school’s interest to see the student graduate and earn a diploma, and an attorney can point this out more persuasively than the parents.</p>
<p>We can agree to disagree.
Mind you, I also think the parents have some serious disciplining ahead and have to have to determine their family imposed consequences. But to have lost the opportunity to send in mid-year reports to existing college aps means the student doesn’t attend colleges to which his otherwise fine academic record should entitle him to and that is grossly inequitable.</p>
<p>Logically something isn’t adding up- the other student had two offenses - that means he had a second chance-- why isn’t this student also giving another opportunity? Progressive discipline seems appropriate-- this a better example of procedural justice.</p>
<p>His school has been way too harsh in my opinion and although I don’t know this for sure but I can’t imagine any college holding this against an otherwise great student. Was your son caught with a fake ID? You mentioned that he supplied to other kids. Doesn’t it usually work that way. Some kid gets the alcohol and supplies it to the others.</p>
<p>The local kids who were expelled or technically asked to withdraw from S’s BS wound up at other local private schools, assisted by the school they were leaving. The kids from further away wound up at their local publics or a local private. I can’t stress this enough, they went on to college, this is not the defining incident of their lives. Kids (and adults) do stupid things, they can move on.</p>
<p>At my son’s BS, kids and parents know the policy going in, I thought it was harsh but S and H were okay with it. If you know the policy when you enroll, senior year is a little late to announce you disagree with the rules. Especially if your child just broke the rule.</p>
<p>I know nothing about the OPs situation, but in general schools are much harsher on “purveying” than "plain old “using.” Makes sense because they are in the in loco parentis (or something like that) role.</p>
<p>My wife have walked in Hiking1011 shoes, although their son and family are angry and depresed by this event, I can confirm that things will get better and their son will survive.
My son was asked to leave his boarding school last March for drinking (first DC ever in four years). He was a very popular, a solid student, dorm leader, and two (2) sport captain. The bottom line is he made a dumb choice and got caught after the fact for being present at an after hour on camus dorm party. He was not actually caught in the act, but ratted out by a foreign student who they threatened to expell who was at the party. All of the seniors and parents were informed prior to the school year of the consequences. It ws also in the school handbook. He freely admitted to the DC committee that he was at the party and had a drink. The bottom line he broke the rules, life has consequences. The school made him write letters to each college he applied to and was being recruited by, the school also called each college he was accepted to EA or ED, and informed individual coaches. We made him volunteer at a rehab clinic so he could see forst hand what substance abuse can do to your life. We negotiated with the headmaster and it when realtively well, keep in mind although they cannot deviate from school discplinary rules, it is a private school and they will be reasonable if you conduct yourself accordingly (and can negotiate). My son had enough credits to meet the schools graduation requirement. He received a complete final transcript with a graduation date of March 2010 (most important negotiation so he has one to send colleges). he was issued a temporary graduation certificate from the school and he will receive a formal diploma from the prep school after he completes his freshman year of college (needs to submit his final grades). He was admitted to every college he applied, and is currently playing his sport and loving college. Unfortunatley the other students that were caught and asked to leave never negotaited, they ended up completeing their senior year back at their public high school. Most of those kids did not get accepted to the schools they wanted to attend based on their final transcripts looking awkward and inconsistent. The good news is that they were accepted and are attending college. Kids make stupid mistakes, some are life altering, the bottom line is that they need to be held accountable for them, pick themselves up and learn from them, and hopefully become a better person.</p>
<p>The reason I mentioned taming the alcohol use is that OP mentioned that it had been an issue discussed before this incident. I do 100% agree it could be an entitlement based issue. This from a Mom who has a son who for years did what ever the h*ll he wanted for the sole reason it was what he wanted. Legal or illegal…it mattered not. And he paid some pretty heavy prices. And of course it was everyone’s fault but his own.</p>
<p>And although this may not be a life or death issue, it is hard on everyone when dreams are shattered and paths alter course. Empathy should not be withheld just because someone doesn’t see it as a big issue. It is big to the OP and that is all that matters.</p>
<p>To the OP, there was a young man in our son’s public hs who mixed drugs and alcohol on a field trip. It ended up in an emergency situation with a teacher needing to escort the student to a hospital. The student recovered from the emergency, was suspended for about 10 days. He was admitted to a good public OOS U. Interestingly, all of the other siblings (there are 5 of in all) attended very good private universities (not Ivy, but excellent well known private schools). I don’t know whether this young man had to go to a public university because of this incident, or whether it was his choice. The school he attends is a solid public OOS university. The incident in question happened in the spring of his junior year.</p>