<p>That was a great post MJP2558 and talked about something I was trying to get at earlier. Right now, be an advocate for your son. Work with the school as best you can to work out the best arrangement that you can for you son.</p>
<p>I’m not trying to discount other possible issues regarding your son’s behavior but these can and should be sorted out later. Right now you need to minimize the damage to your son’s college prospects and that lies in whatever arrangement you can make with the school.</p>
<p>I have to agree with those saying a lawyer is the right approach. Maybe if it’s a public school, but a boarding school will not be intimated into not following through with their clearly stated policy.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you and your family hiking. Right now just love your son and assure him his world will not end and that things will work out. There was a bad situation at a BS a few years ago when a top student took his life after being dismissed for drinking. Kids can lose all perspective at times like this.</p>
<p>This happened to the son of a friend a few years ago. Some colleges, like the ivy he was forth generation at, did not accept him because of the suspension. But he’s now a top student at UVA, graduating this year with a great job lined up.</p>
<p>To the OP, I am sorry for your family, and I hope this works out to a good end, even if the end was not the one you originally hoped for. I have no more advice on how to handle it, but I think you have gotten some good words from some other posters.</p>
<p>To those who think that it was just a little alcohol or that a few drinks are not a big deal, I think you are wrong. Every person who ever had an alcohol or drug problem started with that first “harmless” use. No one knows who is the one who will turn out to be an addict or an alcoholic. I have known more than enough people who ruined their lives with drugs or alcohol. Hopefully this will not be the case for the OP’s son, or for any of those other students mentioned in this thread. </p>
<p>A few months ago, a truly bereft mother posted a thread about letting go forever, and her son’s death, in which alcohol was clearly a major factor. If you have not read that story, I would recommend it. This mother did us all a great favor in sharing her terrible grief and telling this story. It is truly heartbreaking.</p>
<p>I don’t think anyone is saying the kid is an alcoholic. Rather, he HAS PROBLEMS WITH ALCOHOL. It’s affecting his life in detrimental ways and even his parents knowing about it has not been reason enough for him to stop doing it. If he cannot pass up the opportunity to drink in a controlled environment like boarding school then what do you think will happen when he is around a college environment where alcohol is everywhere?</p>
<p>I do not believe the punishment was too harsh. He was not simply drinking but providing and doing so on campus. That means causing others to break the rules. Our laws treat dealers harsher than we do users. </p>
<p>Kids drink. It’s a unfortunate fact. But there is also a level of risk most of them are willing to assume or not. When they’ve crossed the point of not fearing consequences and are showing up with alcohol ON CAMPUS then you have a kid with a problem, IMO. It’s not like they were concealing their use in someone’s basement. They were openly flaunting their abuse and rule/law breaking and, in this case, inviting others to do the same.</p>
<p>This situation could be a blessing and an opportunity to help the young man before things get much worse for him or someone around him.</p>
<p>I don’t think there is room to negotiate here. It’s time for damage control outside the bounds of this boarding school. The school adhered to the stated policy and really didn’t have much wiggle room, as much as I hate the result for this student and his family. There is LOTS of drinking and drug used at the top boarding schools, and it is up to each kid to figure out that the consequences are too great to risk it. I suspect my kid did his partying off campus by the time he got to the final prep school. That was smart. The year after he graduated, there was a pot bust involving about 10 kids who were not seniors. Alcohol is viewed as a much lesser infraction by colleges, fortunately.</p>
<p>I’m sure there’s no room for negotiating the withdrawal, but there ought to be plenty of room for negotiating stuff like whether he gets credit for this semester, graduates, etc. Also how (probably not whether) colleges are informed.</p>
<p>Be very kind to you son. He needs your support and love. Life is not over for him, the school needs to get a grip. We had a similar incident at our private school, same zero tolerance policy but it involved so many kids that they would have had to expel half of the senior class. It just went away with community service. The kids (including mine) that didn’t participate were upset. I got the why should I do the right thing if they can screw up and nothing really happens to them? In the end I feel the school did the right thing. These are kids mind you. They ultimately all went on to great colleges. Get a lawyer quick. Worst case transfer to your local public school for his last semester. You could blame it on the economy or something. Your son needs options and your unconditional love. I’d be upset if my kids did this but I would fight for his right to finish school.</p>
<p>I agree this is not a matter to be negotiated or made to “go away” by a lawyer. Private schools have pretty rigid policies, and parents agree to be bound by the policies when signing enrollment contracts each year. It’s likely that the school will continue to be helpful to the student in navigating the college process, and can advise the student and his family on how and when to disclose to colleges. </p>
<p>Private schools can be very very tough when it comes to these infractions, and the consequences very harsh. At my sons’ private school, every year at least one senior voluntarily withdrew at some point during the year (one year, two kids withdrew two weeks before graduation). One of my son’s friends withdrew, and while this was a very painful time for him and his family, long term he’s doing well, at a great college. I think he finished out the last couple of weeks of the first semester completing school work at home, and then attended another school for the second semester.</p>
<p>The only way a lawyer might have been helpful was to help the parents listen in the conversation with the school; these can be emotional conversations, and I would guess it is difficult to listen carefully in these circumstances (as the OP implied).</p>
<p>^Another way that a lawyer might have been helpful would be to advise the parents what their options were. </p>
<p>It seems that some posters (not necessarily on this thread) believe that an attorney should be hired to sue someone at the drop of a hat. Others reject getting an attorney involved in all cases. What some members of the public might not fully understand is that lawyers don’t just file lawsuits; a good lawyer can provide counsel and perspective. The benefit of consulting a lawyer is sometimes the calm that results from knowing that you’ve done everything you can do and consulted a professional, even if the lawyer explains that the best thing to do in a particular situation is nothing.</p>
<p>I am really opposed to zero-tolerance for things like this. Sheesh, it’s not murder. </p>
<p>Anyway, one thing to ask the school: could he reapply for next semester? (His last.) </p>
<p>Three girls were expelled from my D’s class (private school) for bringing alcohol to a dance (yes, it’s a zero-tolerance school.) They were all expelled as per policy, but were give the option to reapply for the next school year. Turns out two of the girls, the ringleaders, really hated it there and wanted to go to public school anyway, so this was a backhanded way of getting what they wanted. The third girl, however, was tagging along, and she loved the school and did not want to leave. So she finished out the semester at the local public, reapplied, and was re-admitted for the following semester.</p>
<p>That allows them to honor their rules. Worth asking about.</p>
<p>Schokolade- I AM a lawyer and I don’t think one is warranted here. I had occasion to put on my lawyer hat against a boarding school once, and it was only because I felt (along with other parents) that the school’s own negligence led to a lot of the issues that led to the “departure” of several students, including my kid. I assure you that there was NO chance that the kids who left were going to be allowed back. We did receive a small monetary settlement with no admission of fault.</p>
<p>I believe the OP’s son gets credit for this current semester. I agree with JHS that there are a few things that could be negotiated, but to say all the chips are held by the school would be an understatement. It’s a tough deal.</p>
<p>If I were in the school admin the parents got a lawyer involved ANY sympathy I had for the kid or empathy I had for his parents would be GONE in an instant. I would simply hand them a copy of the rules highlighted and copies of documents they signed agreeing to them. I would also be very reluctant to go the extra mile to help the kid minimize his error. The family is damn lucky the school did not get the cops involved as would be within their right to do so.*</p>
<p>The school has the upper hand and pretty much the family is wise to stay in their good graces until they are finished with this process. Getting a lawyer involved would do the exact opposite.</p>
<p>*As a parent I feel much less hardline about this situation. However, I still don’t believe a lawyer is the way to go.</p>
<p>This is a very common scenario at private schools - especially ones with boarding. It’s too risky for them to tolerate any kind of drinking. I’m class secretary for my class. There are 80 people on my list and then another 30 or so who were in our class, but who left - most expelled due to drinking or drugs.</p>
<p>“their hopes for his future have taken a big hit as a result of one stupid decision.”</p>
<p>Yes, that is true, and I’m sure it is the case that they are having “worst nightmare” feelings. That doesn’t mean that the only kind response is to validate those feelings. </p>
<p>IMHO, the best way to help a family that feels crushed by something like this is to remind them that nothing very terrible is happening here. No one is injured, no one is pregnant, as far as we know no one is addicted, and no one has an academic disaster that’s going to prevent them from ever becoming a lawyer/doctor/engineer. You’ll be better equipped to handle this setback in a productive manner if you recognize it as a setback and not a catastrophe. In the midst of my academic meltdown, my parents were far happier once a therapist helped them realize that a kid failing out of a private high school just doesn’t merit this kind of agony.</p>
<p>Feeling disappointment, anger, and frustration is natural and appropriate here. But if you’re up all night torturing yourself over something like this, then a little readjustment of perspective is in order.</p>
<p>MomofWildChild–I am a lawyer, too. I was responding to this statement by jrpar:</p>
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<p>My point is that there is another way a lawyer might have been helpful, and that is to lay out the family’s options for them in an unemotional way. Consulting an attorney for advice is not the same as filing a lawsuit or making demands, and there is no need to inform the other party that you are seeking advice. I mention this because many threads about difficult situations eventually result in some poster writing in to suggest that the opposing party be sued. It seems that some have a very limited view of how attorneys can help.</p>
<p>Financially this could be a terrible ‘nightmare’ if it’s a family of modest means relying on a scholarship to attend a college out of their reach. </p>
<p>Researching, yours is an unusual private school. These schools mostly mean business. And they have long waiting lists. Expelled students getting back in is not something I’ve beer seen.</p>
On several threads people have pointed out that if kids “don’t get to try things out” in high school they go nuts in college. How are those of us who are not psychologists or experts supposed to sort this all out? I feel like we are damned if we do and damned if we don’t.</p>
<p>I have seen schools let expelled kids reapply. They usually make it clear at the time of the dismissal whether that will be permitted. In this case, it won’t work because they like some time to have passed.</p>