<p>Ha! Based on my experience you order a really nice homecoming corsage and remind him to brush his teeth and put on deodorant. But the hand me down car that DS is in line for isn’t exactly a chick magnet either. He’s probably marginally more attractive without it. :)) </p>
<p>Fluffy, okay, let me rephrase the question. Would you financially support your 22 year old mentally ill son so he could live in a college town if he hadn’t gone to school for 3 years, had no income during this time and he wasn’t taking his medication or seeing a therapist on a consistent basis? The parents could have easily found out whether or not he was going to school, and then they would have had to ask themselves what is he doing all day everyday for three years if he is not going to school. You don’t think a mildly curious parent might want to know the answer to this question?</p>
<p>I’m with Bay on the assessment of the family, but it has to be stated that they probably were at their wits end, and they had , as far as we know, no inkling that he could do what he did. It is heartbreaking all around. The only one(s) who had any inkling were his closest friends who unfriended him because of their perceptions of his rants. (All one or two of them.)</p>
<p>Had they been older, they might have called the police…but they weren’t. </p>
<p>Maybe if he met someone on line he could take them out in the flashy car. But by some accounts he was socially awkward and made people uncomfortable. Have to wonder how many dates this poor fellow ever had.</p>
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<p>Actually, they couldn’t. I have been in this exact situation, Goldenpooch. You haven’t, and you don’t know what you are talking about.</p>
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<p>Judging by his manifesto, none as far as I can tell. It seems he had a serious problem even uttering a basic greeting to the women he desired. </p>
<p>Not being even to communicate, even to the point of struggling to say hello along with giving off a “creepy vibe” as some past acquaintances and friends have felt from being around him isn’t very conducive in getting a date…assuming the prospective date isn’t scared off first. </p>
<p>@cobrat from reading his manifesto he mostly walked and expected women to approach him. </p>
<p>What difference does it make if it was a BMW or Kia? He could have used any car to stalk the sorority girls, drive to their house, drive to neighborhood, run down bikers.</p>
<p>My kids went to high school in Southern Cal for a while. Many of the cars in the parking lot were very expensive BMWs, Jags, MGs, etc. I was the only one driving a Honda. It just isn’t unusual in California for young people to have nice cars, jewelry, access to rock concerts. Everyone knows someone. One of my daughter’s friends attended the Oscars because her father had some connection, although this girl lived outside LA and rarely went to the city and I didn’t think of her as entitled or spoiled. Kids had their Sweet 16 parties featured on MTv. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t expect ER’s parents to give him less than their other kids had for possessions, trips, clothing. They met him for lunch, they called him, they checked up on him. Isn’t that what we all do with our kids?</p>
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<p>Of course.</p>
<p>First: I don’t know that the parents knew he wasn’t on his meds. Did the parents confirm they knew he wasn’t taking meds, or was it possible he was filling the prescription and selling them or throwing them out?</p>
<p>Second: We don’t know whether or not the parents had this conversation with him multiple times and what his responses were. He clearly was intelligent and highly manipulative. So who knows what really happened? It is odd to assume the parents never talked with him about this given how they worked with him on this plan in the first place.</p>
<p>As I said earlier, I can easily see him telling his parents:
yeah, the last 2 years were tough, but I am back in a good place and ready to go back to college next year.<br>
I already picked out some classes I want to take and I am thinking of majoring in writing.
Got a great screenplay I am thinking of and started writing a bit of a book…already up to 100 pages. I’ll show it to you when I am done.
I know it is hard to make a living as a writer, so I have been also getting interested in programming and learning things on line (good news, it is free!)
Been exercising a lot and that has improved my mood and cleared my head…in fact, I got to go, I am going on a run with some friends.</p>
<p>His father talked with him the day before and said all seemed okay. I don’t know if that was a daily, weekly, monthly or yearly call, but it seems they had a conversation and whatever the murderer said, made his parent feel comfortable.</p>
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<p>Yes, that came across loud and clear. </p>
<p>And quite odd considering the dominant expectation in our dating culture is for the male to be the one to make the approach and do the asking. </p>
<p>Granted, I can see from his writings how he felt that’s beneath him as being “descended from British Aristocracy” and “The Perfect Gentleman” means in his mind, women of his desires should be throwing themselves at him. Neverminding the fact he’s expecting women he desired to by selectively clairvoyant. </p>
<p>It also puzzles me how he’s obsessed about how being the “perfect gentleman” is the be-all and end-all of being desirable as a male date. </p>
<p>Not to mention some interpretations of “gentleman” could include being overly formal, stiff, and a bore. </p>
<p>You guys aren’t getting it about the Aspergers. It’s perfectly clear from all evidence that he had no idea how to even have any conversation with a young woman, let alone ask her for a date… because he had Aspergers, and that’s often what it’s like when a young man has Aspergers. He couldn’t even get to “hello.”</p>
<p><a href=“A”>quote</a> qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following:
- marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body posture, and gestures to regulate social interaction
- failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
- a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people, (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
- **lack of social or emotional reciprocity<a href=“note:%20in%20the%20description,%20it%20gives%20the%20following%20as%20examples:%20not%20actively%20participating%20in%20simple%20social%20play%20or%20games,%20preferring%20solitary%20activities,%20or%20involving%20others%20in%20activities%20only%20as%20tools%20or%20%22mechanical%22%20aids”>/b</a>
(B) qualitative impairments in communication as manifested by at least one of the following:
[snip] - in individuals with adequate speech, marked impairment in the ability to initiate or sustain a conversation with others
[/quote]
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<p>Quite likely he had other mental health problems. But he clearly had markedly impaired social skills, not because of a personality flaw but because people with autism often have brains that are missing the part that does social skills. He didn’t understand nonverbal communication, and he didn’t know how to have a conversation with someone he didn’t know well.</p>
<p>To answer GP’s question: Yes. Stricter parents would have asked (demanded) to see transcripts showing the classes he was taking and his grades before they sent him money. Stricter parents keep joint checking and credit card accounts so they can see how the money is spent. Whether stricter monitoring would have prevented all of this is just a guess.</p>
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<p>Without any real evidence of past violent actions, and seeing him as a depressed individual who has trouble fitting in and is quiet and socially awkward, I think it is nearly impossible to look at a person who you have raised and seriously think that “hey, maybe he will do something incredibly heinous like hack his roommates to death with a hammer and machete”.</p>
<p>I would expect worries about suicide are far more common for parents facing this.</p>
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<p>I thought people are walking back that assessment. He was never diagnosed. Or has it been confirmed that he had that as an official diagnosis from a health care professional?</p>
<p>There’s a nice article that is too hard for me to link on my phone right now, quoting a former roommate of ERs who says he wasn’t surprised when he heard the news and wished he had done something earlier.</p>
<p>I personally think the parents had an " inkling" at the very least. But I’m not saying I know what they should have done about it. </p>
<p>Here’s the article: <a href=“Elliot Rodger's Ex-Roommate Reveals What It Was Like to Live With the Troubled Man - ABC News”>http://abcnews.go.com/US/roommate-santa-barbara-killer-elliot-rodger-bad-feeling/story?id=23916334</a></p>
<p>What happened is tragic, but I don’t blame the parents. There is enough evidence, imho, that the parents were concerned and were trying their best to help him. I can also see how they might believe he might “grow out” of his condition. It happens. My younger son had issues. He had been born prematurely and was slow to reach his milestones. He has ADD, he was classified, he was on medication, he had social issues in HS, he was addicted to War Craft and other violent video games (he would play them all night long after we went to bed—they were his social life). He also had anger issues for which he saw a therapist once a week. When he turned 17 he refused to take anymore medication and there was NOTHING we could do about it…except throw him out of the house, and that was not happening. He was still in HS. He had been taking Concerta at the time but he did not like the way it made him feel and also because he couldn’t gain weight. (he is very skinny) We’ve always known he is very smart, he always tested very highly, so we hoped for the best, but prepared for the worst, that we might have to support him for the rest of his life.</p>
<p>If not for my husband, my son probably would not have graduated from college or gotten a job. My husband, as a professor at the same university (in the same department of my sons major, not a coinsidence) was able to micro manage his education and even his social life. My son joined the same fraternity that my husband once belonged too, made friends and even found a girl friend. (They’re still together and perfect for each other) My husband would call him every morning to make sure he woke up and went to class and helped him figure out his schedule with only 12 credits a semester. He also planned for my son to take the more difficult (non major) classes at community college during the summer. ie chemistry. My son graduated last May, 2013, (5 year plan) I cried when my husband personally handed our son his diploma at graduation. He is now working for Chevron in Pittsburgh at a job he loves and is well paid for. His girlfriend moved to Pa and is in grad school at U of Pitt. (my son starts grad school in Sep. …Chevron is paying) I never expected this to end so well, however my son does not have Aspergers…but then again are we even sure that’s a correct diagnosis for ER? There is so much we don’t know, will never know, that I think it’s unfair that we judge them. There by the grace of God go I.</p>
<p>Congrats to you and your family @rubrownmom taking a tough situation and turning it around.
You and your husband have a lot to be proud of.</p>
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<p>The divorce papers between his mother and his father say that he had an official diagnosis of Aspergers (or at least that was reported here). He got a job with backing from the California Department of Rehab-- one has to have an official diagnosis of some disability to get those jobs. </p>
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<p>There’s such a thing as faked transcripts that fool parents, I regret to say. There’s also such a thing as apparently sincere assurances that this semester will be different-- and sometimes, if you read reports from parents here, those assurances turn out to be true. It’s a whole lot easier to do this parenting business with hindsight than it is at the time. And some parents have easier kids than other parents.</p>
<p>rubrownmom, congratulations on your son’s success!</p>