Should I Ignore My Parents When Applying to Colleges?

Parent Cafe
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<p>"So, my question is, should I even bother to apply to out-of-state colleges that I really like, even though my parents would kill me if I decide to go there? "</p>

<p>If you're willing to pay for your applications and are willing to pay for your education at any out of state college that you want to attend, then go for it.</p>

<p>This means that you'd have to either earn scholarships or borrow the $ to go to where you wish to attend. This is possible depending on your stats, where you choose to apply, and whether you're willing to do the hard work of working a job, researching and doing careful applications to scholarship programs, and possibly also taking out loans.</p>

<p>WHen I taught college, one of the top students in the school's history had chosen the college over his parents' objections. They threatened to disinherit him, and also stopped speaking to him for much of his senior year because he applied to a college they didn't like.</p>

<p>He managed to get full merit aid to the college, and then went there. He had chosen it because it had a stellar reputation in the major of his choice. This was true even though it was a 2nd/3rd tier college. He turned down NYU to go to the college.</p>

<p>His parents told him the colllege of his choice would never allow him to "meet the movers and shakers of the world." He ended up meeting President Clinton twice -- including once in a nationally televised press conference -- as a result of being at that college. He also graduated to a job paying $42,000 a year. This was about 8 years ago, and that salary was about $14,000 higher than the average starting salary for his field. After working there for a year, he went to an even better company, where he got better pay and got to work in NYC, Chicago and London.</p>

<p>Anyway, well into his freshman year, his parents were talking to him again. At his graduation , his parents threw him a party and publicly admitted they were wrong about trying to force him to go to another college. Incidentally, at least one of his parents was an immigrant, so he had so similar pressures to what you probably have.</p>

<p>So -- if you're willing to pay for what you want -- follow your heart.</p>

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<p>Shina - Your parents may be concerned about the cost of college, or they may be concerned about you leaving home before they're ready to let you go, or they may be concerned about what you might encounter away from the great state of Texas, or it may be something else entirely. As you've wisely observed, it can be really hard having a conversation with parents about such things. BUT, you're not going to be successful in life letting other people make the important decisions for you. It would be great if you and your parents agreed, but in the end the decision needs to work for you. Good luck with it!</p>

<p>PS, Would your parents let you consider Hendrix?</p>

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<p>I think the Shina really ought to apply where she likes - especially as she thinks she'd get need based aid. (With your scores and background Harvard might not be quite as long a shot as you think - though obviously it's a long shot for nearly everyone.) The trouble is can you get the FAFSA and other financial aid info without parental co-operation?</p>

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<p>The question really becomes are you ready to strike out on your own? You can't have it both ways independence and mommy and daddy's money for school. If you are expecting them to buck up, then you have to listen to their opinions and either show them other school options without tears or tantrums.</p>

<p>I love my kids and selection/application times were very stressful, but we made it through. Did my opinion count? YES. Why? Cause I still pay for things. Both know that they don't ever have to listen to me the day they say "dad, I don't need you to pay for.... " </p>

<p>Rather than get mad at them for their views, look at it another way. What if they didn't care at all? If they care enough to question, that doesn't mean they are bad parents. Do your research, get your things together and sit down maturely and talk. If they don't support what you truly want, be ready to go it on your own.</p>

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<p>A couple additional thoughts:</p>

<p>Shina, how old are you? How old will you be next year? You seem to assume that your parents can forbid you to go to college out of state. Certainly they can if you accept their decision, but as a legal matter they may not be entitled to do that. Even if you will be under 18, you can go to court and get formally emancipated (based on this specific conflict, your age, and the quality of your writing about it, and your school success, you would have about a 99.9% chance of success).</p>

<p>Is the core of the problem in your statement that you translate for your parents? Are they frightened to lose your help/support? That is a serious problem, and I sympathize with them. Ultimately, though, unless you plan to live with them for another 40 years or so they are going to have to learn to live without you at some point. I wouldn't want to minimize the difficulty of this situation, but I am certain -- even in the context of a traditional Asian family -- that if you discipline yourself to approach these discussions with love and understanding rather than anger, you will ultimately get what you want (or close to it) both educationally and in terms of keeping a loving relationship with your parents.</p>

<p>FAFSA, etc. It's YOUR application, not your parents'. You need information from them, and it may be a little difficult to work out, but I don't think this is an absolute barrier.</p>

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<p>This is a very difficult situation for you, I know. It's not just about applying to schools that offer you better options without letting your parents know, it is about living with their anger and disillusionment in the next few years also. However, without some options come April 1, you will have no decision to make. So, for now, as best as possible, use what they want to gently push them to other alternatives next Spring. Keep talking up Rice from the standpoint of its association with the Medical Center and how from Rice you would have a better chance of getting into a Med School in Texas so you could continue to stay close to home. In a "please help me I really need advice from someone older and wiser" tone, ask your Mom to see if she can find people who went to local community colleges who were then accepted to Med School for you to talk to. Tell her that you really haven't met anyone who did that and you don't want to give up your dream of med school since they want that too. She then has to start asking her friends some hard questions and may change her mind on community college option. Look at other private school options close that might fit your parents criteria. I would add Baylor to the list even if it doesn't fit well. They have a Med school centered in Houston and that would be a plus to your parents. This way, you have Rice and Baylor that your parents may consider and that would require that they fill out the FAFSA and the CSS Profile. You will need those filed for financial aid at other schools and you can't do that without your parents cooperation.</p>

<p>Although other schools in Texas may not seem to fit, in the end if you decide that due to family concerns, you are only willing to go to a college your parents will agree to, would you rather go to a local community college or UofH or one of these other schools. Unfortunately, for you the concept of good fit has to be modified to include the best fits in Texas outside the Houston area. You might add schools in the neighboring states like Hendrix in Arkansas and Tulane. </p>

<p>Go to Financial Aid calculators and print out the Fafsa info and CSS Profile (Institutional Method) translate it for your parents. If they will be suspect of you, have someone else translate it. Then, input the numbers and see what your EFC will be. You need to know just what you will be taking on financially if you need to defy your parents to get to where you want to be. Also, that way your Dad could see that a private school may not be more expensive for your family than UT-Austin. </p>

<p>See if you can get an application fee waiver from your counselor at High School due to income. Even then, you will be limited to the number of schools you can apply to. So, as you make your college list, look at application costs and figure out this summer how to come up with that money. This will also limit the number of out of state schools you can apply to. I would apply to only one or two reaches other than Rice. Find maybe three OOS schools with good aid or 100% need met that you are academically near the top or geographically underepresented. You need to really focus your OOS applications since they will be costly and cause a huge battle. You need to not only get into these schools but get enough Aid to make them feasible for you to do on your own or they won't be worth the fight and you will be forced to stay at home. </p>

<p>If you think you can up your SAT for Rice, retake or look into taking the ACT to see if you can do better. If you don't think you can make much of an improvement, don't spend the money or time. Use that money and time for applications. </p>

<p>If you have family anywhere in the country, look at schools close to where they live. Your parents may be more willing to let you go somewhere they feel family could keep on eye on you. </p>

<p>And finally, I am assuming at least one of your parents or grandparents immigrated to the United States. You need to talk to them about why they left their own home and if their family was scared for them. You need to ask them if it was worth it. (don't be surprised if they tell you they did it for their children and you should be grateful, etc.) You need to discuss if this move caused them to lose their sense of family, their cultural identity, etc. Do it gently and without tying it to your college search at the time of discussion, more like a family history. They will become defensive if they think this is about your plans to seperate from them. You won't need to bring this up again until next April. </p>

<p>For your situation, your goal should probably be not the best fit/highest prestige school I can get into and afford to attend but the school that will give me at least some of my desires with the least jeapordy to my future plans or my family relations. I've known kids who parents forced to stay home who managed to have a great time as well as those for whom it was a disaster. If in the end, you stay in Houston or even the Texas area, you don't want to be at such a bad place with your family that it is miserable for you. Good Luck making some tough choices.</p>

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<p>I really appreciate all the advice everybody has been giving me so far, because they really make me think about the situations and offer ways of doing things that I haven't thought of before.</p>

<p>fireflyscout, I haven't looked into Southwestern yet, but I definitely will. My PSAT score is on the border of being a Semifinalist; I won't know the exact cut-off for Texas until the fall. I'm really hoping that I would qualify, because it would help out considerably.</p>

<p>My parents are really worried about the cost of college, which I understand and sympathize with. But they just don't understand that, sometimes, OOS private schools can actually cost a lot less because of our family's income than public schools and community colleges.</p>

<p>Northstarmom, I'm willing to pay for my tuition because whether it's in-state or OOS, it will still be up to me to pay with financial aids, scholarships, loans, and works. My family's income of less than $30,000 for a family of 6 people doesn't allow my parents to help out much to pay for college cost, if at all. Thank you for sharing the story, because it helps me take a firmer stance behind what I think is best for me and what will affect me for more than just 4 years of my life. I just hope that my parents will be as understanding in the end or when the time comes.</p>

<p>NewHope33, I think it's a combination of what you've listed: the cost, the unwillingness to let me go, and the fear of what will happen if they're not there for me physically. As much as I sympathize with this (and I really do), yes, I do need to be on my own and decide for myself, because college is an intermediate stage between the sheltered life of a child and the much more demanding one of an adult. I'm afraid of not having my parents there to take care of me (terrified, actually), but I'm more afraid of being an adult and still have to lean so much on my parents for support. I hate growing up, but it isn't an option; I have to. And it's just so much harder to try to grow up when your parents are over-protective.</p>

<p>And I'm not sure if my parents would let me consider Hendrix or not, but most likely not, because they are edgy about letting me apply to Texas schools outside of Houston, even. But I told them that Texas is narrow a scope enough, let alone just Houston. However, in the end, I suppose they'd like a neighboring state much better than one at the northeast and west coast, which are where I was considering applying at the beginning of my junior year.</p>

<p>mathmom, I think I will get need-based financial aid at most schools, more or less depends on the school itself, because my family's income is less than $30,000 for a family of 6. My parents will have to fill out the FAFSA because I'm applying to Rice ED, where, because of my family's income, all my needs will be met through work-study and grants, without loans. I will just send additional copies to other colleges I'm applying to.</p>

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<p>OpiefromMayberry, I'm not sure I'm ready to strike out on my own, but I need to. My parents are not paying for my college education (because they can't afford to, even though I know they really want to help out, and I appreciate them very much for that). If I have to work for my college education, then I might as well go to a school where I will be happy. I love my parents, and they are very good parents, but they just don't understand, and they hold too tightly to their own preconceived idea, be it right or wrong. Whenever I approach them about this, their attitude towards it just makes my temper rise. I think I will approach them again only when/if I have the acceptances in hands, because otherwise, they just won't listen.</p>

<p>JHS, I'm currently 16 years old, and will be turning 17 shortly after entering my senior year. But it won't come to that, because I know, if my parents are adamant enough about me attending an in-state college even after I show them my acceptances, I suppose that is what I'll have to do. I guess I'm not determined enough to go to such an extent in order to go to a college I want. In my view and how I was raised, that isn't worth being estranged from your family.</p>

<p>But thank you for the advice. And yes, I suppose if I approach the matter at the right time and with the right attitude, it will help a whole lot more. =)</p>

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<p>
[quote]
And yes, I suppose if I approach the matter at the right time and with the right attitude, it will help a whole lot more. =)

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Yes, it surely will. You mentioned before that whenever you tell your father he is wrong, he gets angry. Now this will take some delicate communicating on your part, but when you have the college discussions, try to <em>not</em> tell your parents they are wrong....ever! That will just make them defensive and they won't hear what you are saying. Instead, nod a lot and express that you understand what your father is saying. He'll be much more open to listening to you if you do that. I understand what the others here are saying about you being an adult and needing to make your own choices, but you sound like a person who values your family, and I would encourage you to keep working with them and try to find a solution that won't leave those relationships damaged. </p>

<p>Compromising is important. Let them see that you are willing to give up some of what you value, since you are asking them to give up things that are important to them (i.e., keeping you at home). For example, you could say, "I know that you think it's important that I not go too far away to school, and I understand your feelings about that. I'd rather go to a small school in another part of the country, but I would be willing to go to a larger school in Texas so I can be closer to home. How would you feel about that?"</p>

<p>I understand that Rice is especially a long-shot for you, even with your grades, because you are from Houston. Rice tries to be geographically diverse, and Houstonians are at an automatic disadvantage when applying there. As I'm sure you know, being Asian doesn't help you any more than being white would when it comes to admissions.</p>

<p>Baylor might be a very good option for you. I went there for a year a <em>long</em> time ago, and there were about 8,000 students at that time. Also, don't forget that even at the big universities, there are smaller groups of which you will be a part. My son is at Texas A&M, and they have honors dorms. The students there are in lots of the same classes, they live together for several years, and they have kind of a small school experience within a big school. A&M's honors program is not as difficult to get into as UT's, <em>and</em> A&M is only an hour and a half from Houston...you could come home on weekends! I understand that A&M or even UT might not be your dream schools, but there are lots of really bright students there, and I think you could be quite happy at either one. It wouldn't hurt to apply to A&M as a safety.</p>

<p>I don't know much about UNT except that I've heard it's a lot like a "commuter school". Many of the students are from Dallas and Plano, and they all go home on the weekends.</p>

<p>As for ROTC, I'm sure you'd be very likely to qualify for a scholarship, but that might not be the best option for you. For one thing, you would have a 4 year military obligation upon graduation. Unless you are willing to serve in the military for this length of time, I would not suggest applying for this scholarship. ROTC scholarships do pay tuition, fees, books, & a monthly stipend (which won't cover the cost of room & board). With your family's income, you should be eligible for need-based aid, so I'd go that direction.</p>

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<p>Shina--if your family's income is $30,000 for a family of six, you will almost certainly get a generous need based package so you should focus on colleges who have a reputation for meeting full need AND who may be seeking first generation college (assume your parents are not college educated?) and if possible have fewer Asian students. That means looking beyond the Ivies, which have large numbers of Asian applicants. </p>

<p>Do you research and apply to schools that appeal to you and that meet those criteria, also apply to your "dream" schools and then have the conversation with your parents once you are armed with concrete admissions and financial aid offers. </p>

<p>There is no point in fighting over any school at this stage in the process, because financial aid is so unpredictable. You are correct in that many private schools end up being less expensive in the end because they have far more flexibility around financial aid. </p>

<p>Does your high school have any parent education around the college application/financial aid process? Speak to your guidance counselor and see if there is anything and make sure your parents attend. Are they fluent enough in English to read and understand complex information about admissions/aid? If not I'm betting there's in-language help out there--again your GC or even the internet may have something.</p>

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<p>I think it is bizarre you wold ask strangers a question like this. In other words, you value what we have to say more than your parents input?</p>

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<p>backhandfrip ...her parents are not experts...i as a parent was totally
ignorant of the college process 4 years ago...from this website many of us now understand the "system" and can help our kids with informed choices...</p>

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<p>Just a few comments - I don't have any real advice.</p>

<p>Consider Trinity University in San Antonio - you might really like it.</p>

<p>Also, I know your parents forbid OOS schools, but would your parents really rather see you go to UTEP over some place like Tulane? Emory is only 50 miles further from Houston than El Paso, and Vanderbilt is just 100 miles further. Just something you might mention.</p>

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<p>backhandgrip: Teenagers who seek advice from other caring and concerned parents (such as the parents on this forum) are looking for resources to deal with a difficult situation. They deserve our support (especially the OP, who obviously values her relationship with her parents). Furthermore, input on this board may actually help her develop a plan of action which may be persuasive or at least serve as a basis for compromise. Parents have been known to change their minds when presented with sound and well-reasoned argument; I know I have.</p>

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<p>If you decide to look outstate, Brandeis is trying to build up its Asian community. Many Asian students received generous merit awards in addition to financial aid. In some cases, they were able to use the merit awards to replace their loans.</p>

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<p>just go to school you feel you'll do wonderfully in -- then report back to your parents how much of a great time you're having there -- then they'll change their minds -- it sounds to me like they are being irrational and stubborn</p>

<p>also tell your parents that you want to get into >good< professional or graduate school after college -- from community college you'll have very little to no chance of getting into a good post-bachelor's school -- i mean, what are they thinking even suggesting that to you? -- they are certainly not thinking very well about your future and their own future</p>

<p>also remind your parents that what everyone does around is not necessarily the smartest/best thing to do -- when my parents start that song, trying to force me into acting like other people's kids, it just makes me sick -- because it is your life and not that other kid's life -- and only you know what choice is best, not that other kid or her/his parents -- and if you're brigt, that means most other people around you are not as bright and consequently do not make best choices that should be emulated</p>

<p>isacc is totally right in that you have to surround yourself with people who are on your level or above and who have similar interests -- what is the point of going to community college and then discovering you're bored out of your mind with their classes and people there are so unlike you?</p>

<p>you parents are forgetting that the reasons to go to college are 1) get educated 2) have a good preparation for future career -- the goal is not to find work, pay for it, and make yourself comfortable by living at home -- ask your parents what do they want to accomplish by sending you to college anyhow? -- because if they want to compromise on how good of an education and career preparation you'll get, then what is the point of going to college at all?</p>

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<p>I was in a position similar to yours once. National Merit Finalist who ended up at a fourth tier regional university due to parental pressure. I don't know what it's like for NMFs today but for a girl from Louisiana in the early 1980s, the mail was unbelievable. I threw away some unsolicited full ride scholarship offers from top schools.</p>

<p>My advice: Do whatever you can to avoid this fate.</p>

<p>It's fair to say that I was bored and unmotivated, and ended up settling (in my major, the job market, as well as other areas of life) for far less than I could have, because I had grown accustomed to diminished expectations. I am not blaming this all on my parents, mind you; maybe I went along with them so easily because I was unmotivated to start with :). (And lots of folks who went to my regional U have turned out lots better than I did, needless to say). Most of the bad decisions I made, I could easily have made anyway, but I'll never really know what might have been if I had just taken one of those offers and gone someplace where I would have been challenged.</p>

<p>Someone here has previously referenced a study that shows that especially for low income kids (like you, like I was) the calibre of the university makes a tremendous difference in the individual's future lifetime earnings. It's taken me about 25 years to get to where I probably should have been 10 years after leaving high school.</p>

<p>You have a tremendous opportunity to break the cycle of being low income, and provide a better life not only for yourself and any dependents, but to be in a position to help your parents in their later years. (Folks who are low income in their middle years tend to have limited means in retirement). </p>

<p>I hadn't planned ever to talk about this part of my personal history this way on CC, but I couldn't see you in the position I was and not say something. Go to the best school that fits you and that you can get into and afford. Many schools are surprisingly generous with low income students. </p>

<p>It sounds to me that in addition to the cost of college, your parents are worried about you moving away, and about how much they will miss you. It might help if, in addition to showing them the financial benefits of a more stimulating education, you also talk with them realistically about what you will do to assure your personal safety and to keep in touch with them. Also, it might help if you find people in your community that your parents will respect, who have had children of their own go away to college, who are willing to help you talk to your parents. </p>

<p>I wish you well. Please feel free to drop me a PM if there is anything I can do to help.</p>

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<p>A couple other things I wanted to mention.</p>

<p>Your parents might be having some sticker shock too. If they really are low income, it can be very frightening to see that one year at XYZ university costs anywhere from 50% to 100+% of the family's annual income. Check out the issue of Kiplinger's magazine where they list the Best Value schools. (Make sure they see the article explaining the justification for listing these schools as best values, which includes the discounts off the sticker price, reducing the cost, as well as the academic and careers benefits of these schools). </p>

<p>Also, try to come to them with a solid plan for meeting the cost of the school you pick. At one point, (before her dream school came through) we thought D might end up at a school that was a good fit for her academically but was a big reach financially. She figured out what her unmet need would be, and came up with a plan to earn at least half of it via her own resources (taking a gap year to work, working summers, trying to get on as an RA after her first year, etc). Not only would this have made paying my share a lot more do-able, seeing what she was willing to do on her own to go to this school instead of LSU (her safety), really showed me how much the opportunity to go to a more challenging school meant to her.</p>