Parents don't want me to go to college

Parents Forum
1

<p>I'm new at this but have an issue.. I am a somewhat recent immigrant (we moved here in 2001) from a very poor country in Europe called Moldova... my parents both have decently paying jobs. Neither had the opportunity to go to college when they were my age as the education system was obviously very poor in Moldova and they didn't have the opportunity to go study in Russia like many people from former Soviet Union countries did. My mom recently got some kind of an associate's degree and now works as a teacher's aide in a local school after years working odd and unstable jobs as housekeeper, in restaurants, etc. My dad owns a well-known car repair shop in which my older brother works. So financially we're not in terrible shape. </p>

<p>Anyway the assumption has always been that i would also work in this shop alongside my dad and brother, who basically co-own it now with this other guy who's also an immigrant. I have brought up college before and my parents simply do not understand why i would want to do it and they say this thing about how the hardest workers in our society never stepped foot into a lecture hall which I guess is partly the truth. I understand why they think this way because of their upbringing where the whole 4 year university thing was a complete pipe dream and where people had to fight for every scrap of food. But when I try to talk to my dad about it he gets offended and acts like i'm being disrespectful to him by not wanting to work in the auto shop and he says that. I also already work there part time during the summers and I hate it, i mean i LOATHE it. </p>

<p>I know, American dream yada yada yada. But my American dream is to go to college and my parents just won't walk to me about it. Even when I point out the obvious fact that my mom getting an associate's degree got her a more well-paying job with better benefits they won't have any of it. As a result I know quite little about the application process despite the fact that I'm a rising senior. I have taken the SAT, on which I made a 2300 which i take to be a good score, so I feel like I would have a chance at a decent university.</p>

<p>how do you think I could make them come around? mind you, i'm not asking for them to fund my entire college career as I think I could get sufficient financial aid anyway. But i don't want to disappoint them! thanks</p>

2

<p>I don’t think you can talk them around until they see you doing it, and maybe until they see you successful. But remember that even though you want to make peace with them, you don’t have to dedicate your life to a job you hate. It’s your life, and they’ll eventually come around and see you have to do what’s right for you.</p>

<p>You should have no trouble finding a school that will give you merit scholarship if your GPA matches your SAT, which is a score worthy of <strong>any</strong> school. However, you won’t get need-based aid if your parents refuse to fill out the financial aid forms, and you may not qualify for it anyway, depending on how successful the auto shop is. </p>

<p>You’ll probably have a lot of options. But please don’t decide to take on lots of debt for school; you shouldn’t need to. The schools most likely to give merit aid are the ones where your scores are in the top quarter of the school’s applicant pool. You can determine this from the college board website - just go there and enter a school name. THere’s lots of info to be found there.</p>

<p>Basically the way applications works is, you find colleges based on your major, location, size, etc. preferences, (on college board or this site or your high school counselor), pick 5 - 10 schools, and apply in first semester of your senior year. Many of the schools may be Common App schools, meaning that you don’t have to enter the same information over and over. The school’s web site will tell you how to apply. The Common App is free, but many schools have application fees. You have to get letters of recommendation from teachers who love you. If you search around this site you’ll find plenty of discussion on the basic application process, and this is the time to be doing it. You can’t wait much longer. </p>

<p>GOod luck.</p>

3

<p>First generation college student AND a 2300… Don’t sell yourself short, the schools you could be accepted to are MUCH more than decent… By the way, I haven’t seen your GPA or ECs, but even if your household income is pretty high, Vanderbilt, UPenn, and Tulane all offer pretty good financial aid, and you’d have NO problem getting into Tulane at all. You really do need to talk to them about this though… What I’d do is prove to them that you have a shot at being accepted (or do this after you have been), and show them the salary of the average graduating undergraduate student of the school, and show them your financial aid offers, along with the school’s rankings… Maybe this will help them open their eyes to the opportunities you’ve opened yours too…</p>

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<p>Does your high school have an office that helps students with the college process? It’s a difficult one to navigate WITH help, let alone on one’s own. If there is no official help at your school, maybe you can ask a teacher with whom you have a good relationship for help. What do the other students at your school do? You should be able to get into many, many schools and get good financial aid as well. There are so many ways to live the American dream. Most of them, however, do involve getting a good education and going to college. Not all, it’s true, but if that’s YOUR American dream, then you should pursue it. Find out what others in your area and your school are doing and have done in the past. Surely you are not the only one in your class to be thinking about going to college, especially since your location indicates New York.</p>

5

<p>Try talking to your school Guidance Counselor or someone at school who perhaps can advise you and maybe talk with your parents. Your parents are probably just afraid or intimidated by the thought of it, however I would not give up, you have a terrific change at great Merit Aid and probably financial aide! Good Luck, keep working hard and don’t give up on your dreams!</p>

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<p>Your parents might be resistant to the idea now because they don’t understand it, and they may also be a little fearful of you going away from the family to gain this experience that they can’t understand. That’s perfectly normal for your situation, but you don’t need to be bound by that. </p>

<p>Definitely try to talk to your college counselor, and maybe also get your parents to talk to them. I agree with what others said here, with that SAT score, if you also have good grades, you have a very wide open field and you may be able to get good merit aid at several excellent schools. If your high school has any kind of “college night” where the counselors discuss the application process with the parents, try to get at least one of your parents to go. The more you familiarize them with the process the better. </p>

<p>Also, try to frame college in terms they’ll understand: yes, you don’t necessarily NEED it to get by, but if you went to college and say, majored in business for example, it will open a lot of doors for you and for your family. If you became a lawyer, same deal. If you want to study English, it might be a little harder to draw the connections for them, but try. Right now they’re not seeing how college fits with the future they envision for you, so try to draw the connections for them. </p>

<p>They want what’s best for you, and presumably they came to the US for better opportunity. But naturally, having experienced so much instability in there lives, they’re hesitant about taking risks on new things. Just try to be patient and work slowly and steadily to help them understand why you want this.</p>

7

<p>If they aren’t willing to help you pay for college, then apply for scholarships. If you’ve got good grades and scores then you should appeal to colleges and even get a full ride, just don’t give up. And if all else fails, then join the military, go to basic training, come back get your schooling done for free, then serve for a couple of years(still getting paid) come back to normal life and get a job. All can be done by the time your 24</p>

<p>Sent from my MB860 using CC App</p>

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<p>Many colleges offer free FAFSA application help. Because your parents don’t appear to support your college decision, stay away from debt if you can, as they may not support you financially. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Look up Questbridge, read their site and contact them. Either they can help you if you qualify, or they will point you in the right direction. I bet it all works out- but you have to get on it now. Also, pull up the Common application and begin working on the essays this summer. Research on the web, or go to the library/bookstore and read some of the books available on writing the college application essay. Your stories are going to be compelling.</p>

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<p>Look at MomfromTexas’s thread on full ride scholarships. Also look for some guaranteed merit scholarships. If you have good grades along with that SAT, you will get some merit possibilities and you may not need anything from your parents to go to college.</p>

<p>You can also commute from home, working part time which is what many college students do. Going away to college is truly a privilege, and though you may be able to get the funds to do so because you have the test scores to put you in scholarship area, that is not the case for most students. They get their college degree, bit by bit. The average college student in the US is in his mid 20s and works as well as being a student.</p>

<p>If you can get some financial data, and tax forms from them,you can run them through some estimators to see what kind of financial aid you can expect. If you are doing “well” financially, which you imply in your post, some schools may expect a hefty contribution from your parents regardless of how they feel about paying for college, so the merit route for you is a more sure path.</p>

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<p>You should pay a visit to the Financial Aid Forum, and read up on some of the merit-based scholarship options. Start with this thread: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/848226-important-links-automatic-guaranteed-merit-scholarships.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/848226-important-links-automatic-guaranteed-merit-scholarships.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>You have two sets (at least) of difficulties:

  1. Your parents are immigrants which means that they aren’t very familiar with higher education in the US, and they probably have un-voiced concerns about what will happen to you (and consequently to the whole family) if your choices take you out of their social network.
  2. Your father has a very successful small business that he has built up on his own, without having had to attend college in order to develop the skills needed to make that business successful. Many self-made small business owners in the US don’t see the need for a college education for their children because they are always able to create a position for those children within their business. </p>

<p>You may need to deal with these two issues together, or you may want to approach them separately. If you know anyone within your community who has gone to college, or someone outside your community who understands the concerns of immigrant parents, you should ask that person’s advice for helping your parents understand your goals.</p>

<p>Wishing you all the best!</p>

12

<p>No matter what, follow your dream, not your parent’s dream for you. I agree with those who suggest talking with your school’s college bound guidance counselor and being open with them about what you want to do. You may very likely have to break from your parents to follow your dream, but I honestly suspect they will be proud of you when they see the results (and probably before then).</p>

<p>If working in an auto shop is not for you, don’t head that way!</p>

<p>What major do you think you would want in college?</p>

13

<p>Maybe you need to give your parents some more concrete ideas about what you want to do with your college degree. For example, is your goal to become a doctor or engineer or major in computer science? Even if you don’t know what you want to major in it might be helpful to give them some examples of specific careers that you would not be able to do without a college degree. Also tell them about the money that someone in that profession makes. And of course you’ll want to point out all of the financial aid opportunities that you will have.</p>

<p>Often when people do not understand something it’s human nature to develop a fear of it. That’s where your parents are now. They need to be educated about the college process and their fear will decrease significantly. Find a sympathetic adult that they respect to talk with them – a teacher or a counselor.</p>

14

<p>Top colleges like Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Amherst, Wesleyan, Williams have amazing financial aid, even for people whose families make up to $180,000/year. Other schools have financial aid, as well as merit aid (even for students with well off families).</p>

<p>Money should not be an obstacle at all. </p>

<p>Selective schools are actively looking for applicants like you. and Questbridge is a great resource if you qualify: ask your counselor. Depending on other factors in your academics and life, you would have a good chance at many top schools, believe me. And they love kids from backgrounds that include some “obstacles” and hard work.</p>

<p>A main obstacle here seems to be that you are expected to carry on the family business. If that is what your parents have envisioned, I’m sure it is a disappointment, but they need to adjust more to the new culture in which they find themselves in, and to what seems like considerable academic talent on your part. And the fact that you “loathe” the work is a serious consideration.</p>

<p>Perhaps you could enlist someone to talk with them, and help you out. They may not know much about US colleges or even the culture that now tells everyone that college is a must.
Good luck!</p>

15

<p>If you have a religious leader, or comunity leader that can help you talk to your parents, that would be a big help. Even if you have to agree to work every summer for the family, or stay close, I would make the sacrifice. If they absolutely won’t pay for school, demand a wage in the auto shop, take classes part-time at the local community college and save until you are an independent student at 24. Consider applying for scholarships through the armed forces if you also have a desire to serve your adopted country (great way to get US citizenship if you don’t have it already).</p>

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<p>Are you a green card resident or citizen?</p>

<p>mind you, i’m not asking for them to fund my entire college career as I think I could get sufficient financial aid anyway.</p>

<p>You may not get sufficient need-based aid for a few reasons.…your parents’ income/assets (that business) may not permit you to get much aid. And…without your parents cooperation with FA paperwork, you won’t get aid at all. anyway…you will likely have an expected “family contribution” that you won’t be able to cover. </p>

<p>Apply to some top schools- just to see - but there’s no assurance that you’d get the need-based aid that you’d need.</p>

<p>However, with your stats, you probably could get a full ride or near full ride merit scholarship somewhere. But, keep in mind…top schools like ivies don’t give merit scholarships.</p>

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<p>I agree that as a first-gen with 2300 SATs, you have a shot at some very selective colleges—assuming your HS grades, class rank, and ECs are also first-rate. But it seems to me the first hump you need to get over is getting your parents to agree that you should go to college at all. You can worry later about how far up in the academic food chain to aim, once your parents are on board with the idea.</p>

<p>Understand that when you’re 18, you’re legally an adult for most purposes, and your parents can’t legally stop you from going to college. But this is going to be much easier if you have their approval and cooperation, or at least their acquiescence. Among other things, colleges can’t give you financial aid without your filing a FAFSA, which requires a lot of detailed financial information that only your parents have. But beyond that, you don’t want to tear your family apart in this process.</p>

<p>So the first question you have to ask is, why are they so resistant? Is it that they just don’t see the value of higher education, never having experienced it and having been reasonably successful themselves without it? Is it that they fear “losing” you if you move away from home and become acculturated in other communities with other mores and values? Is it that they have insecurities about your ability to succeed in the world of higher education, which they express as disdain for the educational enterprise itself? Is it that they hear stories about sex, drugs, and alcohol abuse on campus and believe that’s not a morally fit environment for you? Do they just think it’s just a big waste of money for someone like you who is positioned to eventually take over the family business? Is it just that your father has worked hard to build up a successful family business with the dream of passing it on to his children, and is insulted if that is not of interest to you? Some combination? All these views are common in immigrant communities of various stripes. You’re not the first to go through this, and you won’t be the last. But I think you need to sort through these views, and address them. And you need some help.</p>

<p>Are there others in your ethnic group, neighborhood, or religious community (if any) who might have more enlightened views on higher education, whom your parents would trust?
Other extended family members or family friends who have gone to college, or are currently sending their kids? Other business owners whom they respect, who have gone to college or sent their kids to college? I agree that your school GC could be helpful here, or perhaps some of your teachers; talk to them. If your school has parent-teacher conferences, you might ask some of your teachers put in a good word for you, explaining to your parents that you are a very talented student for whom the sky is the limit in educational attainment, and that they hope you have the opportunities to make the best of your talents. That kind of flattery may be helpful. And you might think about educational options that are less threatening to your parents: looking at schools closer to home, or in communities where there are others of your ethnic group or religious persuasion (if that’s an issue). Or think about taking a gap year (but you don’t need to tell your parents it’s a gap year) in which you take just a couple of classes at a local community college, to warm them up to the idea of your taking classes. You could even make some of those classes things they might see some practical value in, like, say, an accounting class. You can get a toe in the academic waters this way, and if you limit the number of credit hours you take you can still apply to a 4-year college as a freshman. The ultimate leverage you have is that they really can’t call the shots in your life anymore after you’re 18, but it’s probably best not to start with a lot of threats, because going to college is going to be much easier with their cooperation and financial support than if you cut the apron strings prematurely.</p>

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<p>hi all,</p>

<p>thanks for all the responses! I did not expect to get this many. </p>

<p>In response to an earlier post, no, sadly, i’m not yet a citizen, i am a permanent resident. this is frustrating to me because i’ve now lived most of my life here and i “feel” more American every day and i’m even forgetting my first language which is unfortunate, but i don’t want to ramble… anyway, what implications could this have on my ability to get financial aid? I had not thought about that :frowning: </p>

<p>i don’t know specifically how much money my parents make, and if i asked i would get beaten into the ground. however, i suspect that my dad does quite well with the auto shop and since we’ve live here (in New York) we haven’t really had any seriously tough economic times. </p>

<p>i can’t tell you my exact GPA but i’ve always been A student even though i go to a non-competitive school in not the best neighborhood. i also do not know my exact class rank but i really am sure i’m in the top 5 percent or so. </p>

<p>i also don’t want to portray my parents in a negative light, because they are good and strong people who have made many sacrifices for me and my siblings. i mean, they essentially dropped everything to come to the completely foreign country which i think is so amazing. they just have different values than American parents. </p>

<p>and also in response to an earlier post regarding my major choice, i find economics and physics equally fascinating so I would probably major in one of those or double major. This is another hangup with my parents - they just don’t <em>get</em> why i would choose to study those things because they see them as so impractical. </p>

<p>anyway, in the meantime i’m going to start researching colleges, because reading around this website, it seems that this process is already in full swing for other people my age. =/</p>

<p>thanks!</p>

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<p>You cannot change your parents. you can find a job tha pays for college. many my employers paid and that was the reason for me having an MBA that I really truly do not need. But why not if somebody else is paying. My H. did the same.</p>

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<p>I don’t think anyone reading this sees your parents in a negative light. We just see things about education that they haven’t had the chance to experience. I commend them for doing all they did to make a future for your whole family. They’ve done well.</p>

<p>However, as a parent, I know many parents want to insist on what they feel is right for their offspring, and, of course, they see what is “right” only though their own eyes. It can be tough to see what one has never experienced.</p>

<p>Might I still suggest you talk with a guidance counselor at school - one who specifically is used to sending students on to college.</p>

<p>Then, research a bit what can be done with a Physics or Economics degree so you can share with your parents what you’d like to do. You might, of course, chance your focus a little bit later, but having a sound plan now might help them see what you were designed to do. Be polite through it all, but still, don’t end up in automotive unless YOU want to. Your parents will likely come around if you stay near to them even if you follow your path in life.</p>

<p>And you’re not alone. Even among non-immigrant parents, there are some who also plan their kids’ lives out without regard to many personal (to the student) factors. Your guidance counselor is likely to have had experience helping to deal with it.</p>