<p>td;dr: My parents are very conservative, religious and aren't the most trusting people in the world. </p>
<p>I asked my mother for my social security number for college apps today, and she said that she, my father, and I have to 'discuss' where I'm applying, and that it's wrong of me to just apply without involving them. When my mom mentioned this, I couldn't help but get really scared that they'd lay down the law or at least try very hard to get me to stay really nearby. </p>
<p>Okay. So my closest college choice is 4 hours away. Three are 6 hours away. Two or three are halfway across the country. None are near close relatives (though the ones halfway across the country are somewhat near this group of friends my parents had years ago, when we lived there). I feel like my airways are being closed. I want to leave so, so badly. I got visibly upset when my mom told me we had to talk about this, and I don't know how to control myself or be persuasive when we actually have our discussion. Help please.</p>
<p>Migraine. I hate to tell you this, but unless you plan to pay ALL of your college costs without any help from your parents, you may need to meet their criteria.</p>
<p>We had only ONE criteria for our kids. The college had to be either within a two hour drive of this house OR near a close friend or relative. Any colleges that did not fulfill that one criteria were off the list. Period.</p>
<p>Surely there are some college choices that are closer to home, and will fulfill both the criteria for you, and the criteria for your family!</p>
<p>Bottom line…you can be three miles away or three thousand miles away. If you are living on campus, you will get to have your independence.</p>
<p>Another thing to consider…finances. Has it ever dawned on you that your parents want you closer to home because it will cost them less? If you are going OOS, it is either to a private university, or an OOS public…both likely more costly without aid than schools in your own state.</p>
<p>When you talk to your parents, you need to also be a good listener…and be polite and unemotional. Give them the reasons why your choices are good ones (be aware, however, that “getting away” is not going to be viewed as a good reason). Explain how you arrived at your choices. See if they would be willing to split your application list…half their choices, half yours. Find out what the financial limitations, if any, are.</p>
<p>If I’m close to home i.e. 2 hours or less, they’d probably make me come twice a week and visit my often. How’s that independence?</p>
<p>Also, they can afford it. I’ve run through the NPCs- full pay for my state flagship would cost more than all of my choices (where I’d get significant aid).</p>
<p>Take a deep breath! BREATHE! There is nothing you can do or know until you have a discussion with them. Take some time and decide what it is that you would LIKE to have happen. Write your options down. You talk about how far away the colleges are but I don’t see the final result–is your major, “fit”, part of that? or just “how far away it is?”<br>
Write your problem on a piece of paper–two or more columns of good and bad to whatever is on your table at the moment. It helps you be more objective–then get back to us if you need more help.</p>
<p>My boys are pretty independent but when it came to colleges this was something as parents we were definitely part of the conversation, not because of some control issue, but because of some very practical ones (ie money/budget). We were all respectful of one another and worked together to find a number of different options within that budget. So far it’s worked out well. One happily in school, and another in the application gauntlet as we speak. </p>
<p>I think your approach of feeling your parents are intrusive by wanting to be involved in your college search in any way is extreme. I understand your situation and your concerns, but you’re throwing up walls trying to block any communication or involvement, worried about controlling yourself, and be persuasive before you’ve even had a conversation with them. What your mom is suggesting is very reasonable.</p>
<p>What about a neutral approach? They are your parents and your benefactors so you are going to need to work together. You need to know what your budget is first and foremost. The mature, and only way to do this, is to sit down with your mom and dad, and have an open discussion about what their thoughts are on where you apply, budget, etc. Everyone may be more willing to look at possible options they had not originally thought of if the tone of the meeting and conversation is calm, respectful and open to others ideas. The surest way to have your parents dig in their heels on whatever thoughts they have right now is to show up with a defiant attitude, treat them as if they are intruding, and ‘tell them where you will be applying’ as opposed to share and/or discuss schools you’re interested in, as well as listen to their thoughts without instantly dismissing them or arguing. You don’t have to agree, but arguing simply drags the conversation to an unproductive place.</p>
<p>If you try your hardest to have an open conversation and feel like you are making no headway with your parents/are at an impasse, I would suggest trying to meet together with your parents and your Guidance Counselor who may be able to advocate for some of the schools you are interested in, their programs, and why the school would be a good choice for you.</p>
<p>Edit to add: I crossed posts with thumper & gouf and agree with their thoughts. Also running a NPC does not in any way tell you what your parents can afford in their personal budget. It tells you what that school feels your family should contribute. Those are very often two totally different things. I’m sure you are a very bright and mature young person but it is rare that Sr’s in high school have intimate knowledge of their parents finances.</p>
<p>I remember your previous thread yet I too think you need to sit down and at least appear reasonably interested and open to their suggestions/input. </p>
<p>/did you go to that international religious event btw?</p>
<p>^They won’t tell me anything about budget- I’ve asked them multiple time before about how much they can afford, and in response I’m told that I’m disrespectful and that money is no kids’ business. I’m estimating on what they can afford based on things they’ve accidently let slip about their finances (how much in their account, how much money they make, how much taxes they pay). </p>
<p>They wouldn’t care if I went to one of the worst state universities around here- their biggest concern is for me to be near. They’ll use the excuse “State Flagship is more well known that x”, I’m afraid.</p>
<p>Also (sorry to keep being so negative) they kind of really dislike my guidance counselor.</p>
<p>I would go into the conversation and act like your goal is to merge your list with their list to come up with a list of several colleges to apply to. Just assume you will be able to pick some and they will be able to pick some, and then you can compare the costs and make a decision once you know where you are accepted. Just start by saying, “I have been doing a lot of research and have a list of colleges I would like to apply to, and I know you may have some ideas you would like to add to the list. Here is my list of X (5?) colleges I want to apply to, do you have a few more you think I should consider?” DO NOT BEEF ABOUT APPLYING TO THEIR CHOICES. Save that for when you have acceptances and costs in hand. Hopefully you can get through with this approach and get apps in to some colleges you really want to attend that you think will be affordable.</p>
<p>Your guesses on their finances may be off by a mile, too. You may have no real way of knowing until the FA packages come back because they may not share the info with you that they are sending in to the colleges. Just be sure you keep track of the FA deadlines and confirm that they are meeting them, even if you don’t see the documents. You might mention to them that the best FA is available at all schools to those who apply early, so planning to finish their taxes as early as possible this year is important.</p>
<p>Given that they don’t like your GC, is there a community of your parents nationality/religion that they belong to with a person who might be useful to you bc they have kids that have gone away to college?</p>
<p>I am not a part of your culture, so I can’t begin to imagine the pressures you are facing. I encourage you to find “reasons” why you NEED to attend that college that is farther away than your parents are comfortable with. (Even if the real reason is just to get away from parents.) Find the unique course of study, the special Honors Program, even going to a women’s college if that would ease their fears of letting you go. What would impress your parents in a college? Is there a “dream school” they would be so impressed that you got in that they would let you go? Think like your parents do, and use reasoning that would speak to their concerns and fears. Is there a house of worship for your faith that is near the college? Can you join a group on campus that is related to your culture? Whatever “reasons” that you think might sway them into letting you go. No matter how much you know this is about you getting away, you need to act as if there are “real” reasons why you want to go to College X that is 4 hours away. Is there anyone else in your culture who has gone off to college that can be used as an example for your parents? You may be pressured into applying to both close and far away colleges, and you may need to compromise. Choose the furthest “close” college. Maybe there is one that “makes” freshman stay on campus the first 6-8 weeks of school before they can return home for a visit. (That was the policy at my college decades ago.) Or plan to join clubs and/or work that would keep you on campus instead of heading home 2 nights/week. A big test you have to study for with your study group means you can’t make it home this week, etc. I feel for you as you have so much to work through before gaining true independence. Keep your true feelings to yourself, honor your parents as best you can as you gently push for the best college experience.</p>
<p>You really need to be much more positive than you are being here. If you go into the meeting with your parents expecting them to totally agree,with you, you will not likely have a very productive talk.</p>
<p>By the way…your parents might have the income and resources to pay for college…but remember something very important. They do NOT have to contribute one dime to your college education unless they choose to do so. It would be a smart decision to place yourself in a position where they will actually want to help you with college costs.</p>
<p>One of our kids went to college two hours away. We did not visit twice a week…and he came home only on big school breaks. It was nice to be close enough to drive up for birthday dinners or special events. </p>
<p>Our across country kid had a medical emergency her senior year. Thank goodness she was near a close relative and a close friend. </p>
<p>You know…your going to college will be an adjustment for your family as well as for you. Try to be a good compromiser. It is something that will bode you well in many situations in the future.</p>
<p>OP, I feel your pain. I think a lot of posters are minimizing the issue that the parents are trying to make OP stay close in order to control her. As she mentioned in her previous thread, girls in her family/extended family are treated different than boys, not expected to live on their own, and pressured into arranged marriages. No wonder she wants to get away, and she should.</p>
<p>OP, I know you mention that your grades aren’t great, but if I were in your situation, I would try to search high and low for a college that might give you a scholarship - I know that’s very difficult, and I don’t know exactly what your grades are, but I think not being dependent on your parents, giving the circumstances, is really important.</p>
<p>I don’t know what other advice to offer. Sooner or later, since you said you don’t want to be forced to move back in with them after college and have an arranged marriage, you will have to make your break. Depending on what they say to you now, it may be wise to start getting yourself financially independent from them.</p>
<p>But, do listen to what they have to say to get a feel for what they are trying to accomplish. Try not to panic - stay calm, so you can think everything through carefully.</p>
<p>I am sorry. No one should be in a situation like this, whether someone is paying for their education or not. Money is not an excuse.</p>
<p>If things get really bad, you could always just move out on your own and work very basic jobs, waiting to go to college until you are 24. This would be a very hard life, but just remember that you always have options.</p>
<p>This may be the advice of a college student, but most parents out here would advise you to lie low and get help from your parents to pay for college. It is a LOT easier to strike out on your own with a college degree in hand.</p>
<p>I’m going to play a little devil’s advocate here, too. We see posters whose parents insist that they live at home. It sounds like your parents will likely let you at least live out of the house at college. Maybe not at your first choice school… but it is better than it could be. So what if you see them say 4 hours/week – you still have 108 (waking) hours of your own at college. Assuming they are paying the bill, I would say that is a pretty good deal to put a “good daughter” face on for those few hours/week. (If it makes you feel better, calculate the per hour rate – your college expenses paid for in return for 4 hours/week at least pretending to follow their rules). You might have to spend your first summer at home, but see if you can get a research position on campus or something after that.</p>
<p>@TempeMom (and @gouf78)- Yes, my parents have some nearby friends/relatives who’s daughters have gone off to college. That’ll probably help them with the fact.</p>
<p>@powercropper- Got it.</p>
<p>@thumper- Thank you for your input. I’ll try. Also though: as according to culture, they are most definitely paying college costs- they’re not going to have a daughter who’s *uneducated<a href=“seen%20bad%20for%20upper%20class%20families%20in%20their%20culture”>/i</a>, and they’re most definitely not going to have a financially dependent 18 year old child (“we’re not like western people, we take care of our kids”). I mean, if the option for them was to pay for me to go to college a five hours away by plane, or not go at all, they’d send me off still.</p>
<p>@acollegestudent- Thank you for the sympathy. I really am trying. Also, just about all of the schools on my list would give some type of scholarship (I have no idea how that happened : p).</p>
<p>The OP seems certain that she will get scholarships from her OOS college choices that will guarantee her cost is less than her instate college. I’m curious how that will be the case if her grades are “not that good”. </p>
<p>I know this student wants to live away from home and have some independence. I honestly believe there is a lot of room for doing this in a way that is a good compromise with her parents.</p>
<p>@thumper- My grades aren’t bad. Just not the best- good enough to get a partial scholarship at schools people on this website have never heard of.</p>
<p>@Marian- One is at Northeastern, the other Barnard. I can’t get into either one, I’m sure. But I am looking at one in the same city as Northeastern- will probably help a bit.</p>