Hi all,
I’m not sure if this is the right forum for this question, but it seemed like a good place to ask.
So, my situation right now is this:
Last fall semester, I transferred out of my state school to another university because I just wasn’t happy there and felt like I didn’t really fit in very well. I was a sophomore when I started at my current school, and I’m now a first-semester junior here. Starting around the middle of last semester (Spring 2017), I started feeling depressed which impacted my grades, and while I ended up pulling it together by the end of the year, I definitely could have done a lot better. Anyway, I thought that maybe it was just a phase and told myself that this semester (Fall 2017) would be better. I’m well into the semester now, and I’m still feeling the same as I did a few months ago. After I left my first school, I thought that maybe a change of scenery in a new part of the country was what I needed to feel good at school. However, now having spent almost five semesters at two different schools, I’m pretty sure the problem is me, not the university. Upon some reflection, I think I just prefer very much to be at home with my family instead of at school. It’s not that I don’t have friends at my current school because I do have good friends here. I’m in a fraternity and it can be fun sometimes, but the overall culture at my current school revolves around going out and drinking a lot, which is something I’m fine with doing, just not as often as most of the kids here like to. I have been talking to my parents about coming back home to take classes at a local branch of my original state school so that I could live at home and make the drive to class everyday (it’s only about 10 minutes away from my house). They have told me that I could do this if I was really miserable here, which I am, but they would rather me stay where I am because of the name of the school (I won’t specify which university, but it is very highly ranked). I have also been told that if I went back to my original school, it would make me look indecisive to employers and would be a poor move for my future. It is true that while my state school has a good reputation as well, it is not nearly as good as the name of the school I’m attending now. So my question is this: is it a poor decision to leave a really good school if being there makes me miserable?
There is a lot to address here and I am sure a lot of posters will jump in. I just want to address the part about changing schools looking bad to future employers. Not true - you get one degree from the last school you attend, it is up to you whether you want to discuss changing schools. You can edit that story any way you want on your resume and when you discuss it. Changing schools is no big deal, people do it because of finances, family situations, all kinds of things - it does not always mean something bad. Employers know this, but you don’t even have to bring it up if you don’t want to. After your first job, no one cares at all, then it becomes about work experience. You likely won’t get asked your gpa after your first job either.
About changing - are you sure the real issue is you just don’t like school that much? A lot of students don’t, it is just something to get through. Will you actually be happier at home, or perhaps you won’t be till you are done with school? So question is, are you unhappy not being at home, or just unhappy going to school?
Your parents sound awesome - being flexible to your needs. If one of mine was miserable I would want to understand what that means, is it so unhealthy for them that they should bail - in which case the door is wide open to come home. Or is it a situation they need to work through - because it is good for them to do so. Only you and your parents know which it is. Eighteen months goes pretty fast and that is about how long you have till graduation. Can you put yourself forward in time…so less than two years from now, when all this is done, do you want to say you graduated from school A or school B? What do you want to say then?
I definitely don’t have any particular problem with school in general. I really enjoy some of my classes and while a few here and there have been a struggle or just not that interesting to me, classes and coursework aren’t really where the problem is coming from.
I’m fairly certain that I just don’t like being away from home. Perhaps I was just never ready to leave home right after high school in the first place? I think that with familiar surroundings, home-cooked meals, etc, I could be a lot happier than I am now. I know a bunch of kids from my high school that left their colleges to attend the local branch I mentioned in my first post. One of them is my best friend from high school who I’m still very close with, so that would also add to the happiness factor of being back at home. If I go back home, I would definitely take a full course load and would probably pick up a part-time job, so it’s not as if I would feel isolated during the times most other kids from my hometown are away at school.
My parents and other family members have been pretty supportive of my coming back if I really need to ,which has been helpful. As for where I would rather graduate from, I would be more proud to say that I graduated from my current school, but I don’t know if it’s worth the sake of pride to continue to be unhappy here for another three and half semesters (this is not to say that I’d ever be ashamed to say I graduated from my state school). I guess I’m just having trouble weighing happiness versus pride and reputation.
Have you sought treatment for your depression at your current school? It is very self aware of you to recognize that your desire to change schools could be related to depression, so kudos to you for recognizing it. In your shoes I would worry that returning home may further enable a continuing depressive state rather than improve it. So, I would first look into treatment at your current location at least through the end if this semester, unless of course your depression is debilitating you enough to not attend class or if you are feeling even remotely suicidal.
Thanks for your response. I actually just scheduled my first appointment with a psychologist from the student health office at the suggestion of my parents. I’m supposed to meet with someone very soon, and will probably carry through with one-on-one counseling through the end of the semester to see if it helps at all. I definitely would rather go home than stay at my current school, but I do want to try to exhaust all of my options here so that if I do end up leaving, I’ll know that I gave it an honest try.
As for the extent of my depression, there was a very brief period last semester when it started, during which I did not go to class or do the work I was supposed to do (hence the slipping grades I mentioned in the first post), but it is not as bad now as it was then. I think it could have been exacerbated by the fact that I was already unhappy, however I know that the fact that it isn’t as severe now doesn’t mean it can’t be again.
Can I ask if you were depressed in high school? Or were you happier then, when you were at home with your family? That should give you a clue as to whether the problem is because you don’t do well away from your family, or if you might feel possibly feel the exact same way (depressed) at home also. If you feel like you’d get more emotional support and help with your depression at home which could help you do better at school, then that’s a good reason to transfer.
I think you’re on the right track getting some help at your current school, and having a good attitude about trying to persevere, but there’s no shame in being in an environment that will help you be a more successful student. Attending a prestigious school is not going to do you any good if you don’t go to classes or do the work.
Hang in there - hopefully by the end of the semester, you’ll have a better idea of what is the best option for you.
I agree with your assessment – it does sound like you more than the school. If you don’t want the hard partying environment, then a frat probably isn’t a great living or EC activity. 5 semesters in, you should be more than halfway in your degree. Assuming you live in your frat house, can you change your living arrangement at winter break? There ARE people on your campus who aren’t into that, but frats are party central, so it probably seems like the only culture there. It is not easy to make a social change partway through your college career, but quite a few students do it.
You can’t live at home forever, and you can move back to your hometown after getting your degree. I agree about getting treatment for your depression, but I also don’t think your reasons for going home are super compelling. You could change some things in your current environment.
Employers will only know what school you graduated from, not the path you took to get to that graduation.
If I am understanding you correctly you are a first semester Junior. By the time you could possibly make another change you will only have three semesters left before you graduate (assuming you are on time). But even if it is four semesters, you are almost done. I would say to stick it out because that time will go so fast. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you actually graduate and finish your degree. Don’t make so many changes that you don’t get it done or take a lot of extra time in doing so. Good luck! You are on the right track and can do this.
Kudos on scheduling that appointment with a psychologist.
If you feel really bad, you could take a leave of absence for one semester, go home, work full time, see if you do feel better.
An issue is that aspiring to home cooked meals and your childhood bedroom seems a bit regressive - if you feel fragile and depressed it can be a cocoon to help you get better and launch, but it wouldn’t be a long term solution, rather, a temporary respite.
Living in a fraternity if you don’t want partyers makes things worse - ask if you could switch to the wellness dorm or the substance free dorm.(it doesn’t mean you can’t party, just that nonone parties in the dorm).
I won’t be the only one reading this to say that your issues seem fairly clear.
You need to get a diagnosis, because I do think you are depressed.
You need to get out of the frat house. Finish this semester, take a LOA to get your head and health together, and return to your current college next fall.
Transferring home does seem like regressing and I suspect will not lead you to happiness. If anything, you might feel more depressed because you might find it stifling.
It’s great that you have supportive parents, and that you are able to see that the problem lies with you, not the college. I do not think you will solve any problems by leaving your current school.
I think you should put off making this decision until you’ve seen a psychologist and gotten some treatment. Don’t be afraid to go on some antidepressants if needed. Find a counselor you can connect with. I do agree that junior year is starting the “home stretch” so sticking it out might not be a bad choice, but only if treatment helps you feel “not miserable.” There is no right or wrong answer here.
Counseling will help you drill down to the core of the problem - what is causing or exacerbating your depression? What can be done to alleviate it? Moving home won’t be the experience you expect it to be, because home won’t be the same as it was 3 years ago. That may be good or bad, but the same people won’t be around, and those that are will all be going their different ways. I would plan to stay where you are at least through through the end of the year, or take a leave of absence in the spring to clear your head. The school is not the issue - it’s something internal, and counseling will help you identify and deal with it. If you return home, there is no guarantee you will be happy there, particularly if you are dealing with clinical depression.
First off to address the fraternity issue, my school has relatively small frat houses that only a few kids can live in, and I’m not one of the kids that live there. I live in a dorm with a couple of friends (two from my fraternity and one that’s not in it) and it is a pretty good living arrangement.
As for the depression, it is pretty much only an issue while I’m at school, not so much at home. For example, over this past summer, I felt perfectly content being home, yet I was dreading coming back to school during the last month or so. While I’m here at school I very much look forward to going back for fall break, Thanksgiving, etc. I know that it won’t be the same as it was three years ago, and I’ll admit that that has been a worry of mine. I’m not sure if my wanting to go back is really just me wanting to regain my high school years, which is obviously impossible. I had a great high school experience and was much happier before I graduated and came to college, so I suppose that could be where the issue of wanting to go back is coming from, but that might be something for a psychologist to decide.
Lastly, to address the suggestion of taking a leave of absence from school for the spring semester…I am fairly certain that if I leave the school for an entire semester plus during the summer, I am going to have a nearly impossible time of trying to make myself come back next fall. I feel that going home only to come back half a year later would just be delaying the issue and unnecessarily pushing back my graduation date.
@mbl1997, sometimes we need to take the long way around. You sound mature, articulate, self aware and motivated to come up with a plan that works for you. Get counseling and then trust yourself to make the decision that will leave you happier and healthier. In the meantime, don’t let the depression derail you from your school work so you’re in the strongest position you can be in moving forward.
Your depression issues may be exacerbated by some level of seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Many people are affected, but never realize it. One of my Ds has been struggling with anxiety and depression. She has realized that her symptoms are worse in cooler weather when the days are shorter and there is less daylight, and she spends less time outdoors. She bought a light therapy lamp which she uses in the mornings, and has noticed a positive improvement as part of her supports (therapy, medication, meditation, regular exercise, good nutrition, etc). It was a $50 investment that has been well worth it. She also tries to get outside for walks, lunch, etc. as often as possible.
You may not have issues with SAD, but think about the timeline for your symptoms and when they have bothered you the most. You can discuss with your counselor to get more detailed advice.
I also agree with other posters who have suggested that your feelings of homesickness may be the result of some level of on going depression. My D mentioned above, and another D who also has had some anxiety issues, have both found the counseling centers at their colleges to be very helpful.
When you meet with the counselor, maybe you could discuss taking time off from your current institution (your seeking treatment for depression can be documented as the cause for “medical leave”). Under medical leave, you may be able to take a couple of courses at home as a non-degree seeking student. This would allow you to be home, take classes, and still have the opportunity to return to your current school, if you want. Just would give you more options. I have had many students do this over the years.
If you feel comfortable talking to your advisor or another professor, they could explain more options for you.
I’ve got a kid with an MI. The last thing I am going to do is try to diagnose you with depression after reading a few paragraphs. You have an appointment to see someone. I don’t know if this is for an evaluation (a long appointment) or just the start of talk therapy, but good for you. Look at it this way. Can’t hurt. You get physical check ups, why not mental health check ups?
In the meantime, the short answer to your question is yes, you should leave a good school if you are miserable there. School is not all about the academics. Campus culture, regional culture, sports culture, Greek life, and all sorts of things play into making us comfortable in a place. And yes, some people are just happier close to “home.” I think most of us know whole families that live within the same community, maybe even coming back after going away to college. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Please do discuss the immediate medical withdrawal (that would let you leave right now) as well as a leave of absence that would start either now (with the medical withdrawal) or at the end of this semester. Lots of people do return after a LOA, and lots of others decide to take a different direction with their lives and don’t return. That is part of the reason for the LOA. It gives you time and space to think through all of your options.
What I wonder is, if you make the decision to go home after this semester, will you start feeling better? Frankly, I think you are unhappy in your current situation, I do not know that you are depressed. Like @ordinarylives said, I would never label someone as depressed because I am not qualified to do so.
If you played a game with yourself (which I do when I have a big decision) and said for two days, I am going to live with the decision that I am going home - and you really try to put yourself in that mindset - do you start feeling better? You have been living with staying at that school and you aren’t happy, so how do you feel if you sincerely think you are going to change?
Whatever decision you make is the right one for you. And that’s all that matters. You are happy and proud to graduate from either school, that’s great. That says you won’t feel like you let yourself down, you are just making a decision based on what you want to do and what is best for you. That’s being a grown up. Wish you the best.
I just want to echo that you seem unusually mature, self-aware and articulate.
You might get a boost from relief if you leave school, but relief has to do with the place you are leaving and not always about where you are going, in this case, home.
I understand the pull you feel toward home and the feeling that it could be illusory. (I am a parent of grown kids and feel a similar pull toward the home town they grew up in.)
One of my kids came home, worked and took classes, then moved out and worked and took classes It was fine. However, she did not come home because she was homesick.
I feel as if, with our level of insight, it might be possible to stay where you are, get a counselor, maybe (not sure) take meds, and generally become a lot happier there. You haven’t had much continuous time there to settle.
Perhaps one of your parents could come stay nearby every once in awhile, or you could visit home. Is it far away?
I am all for kids coming home but somehow in your case, with the potential that is evident in your posts, I feel that you might benefit from staying. But NOT if you are miserable. Can you wait until the end of the semester to see how you feel?
It was fine. However, she did not come home because she was homesick.