Should I meddle? I need your thoughts regarding an interview question.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hello! I have been a lurker for years and have reaped a wealth of information from all…especially from the senior members who have generously given so much of their time.</p>

<p>I find myself finally needing wise guidance.</p>

<p>DD has applied to a school as a ballet major. She successfully auditioned and ended the day with an interview. She is very thin. During her interview, she was asked about her weight. She replied, honestly, and said she was very healthy, but due to a food "allergy," could sometimes lose weight if she accidently ate the offending food. There were a couple more questions about her health, which she answered positively and accurately. Based on her answers, there would be no reason for concern, however, based on her appearance, there <em>might</em> be cause. She felt she handled the matter well, and they moved on to the next subject.</p>

<p>A bit of history before moving on: She was rejected from one program based solely on her weight (she found out through an employee; she should have never been given this information…but it happened).</p>

<p>I have completely stayed out of the process, but am compelled to send a letter to the school who is considering her. This is what I have written:</p>

<p>“Dear XXX,</p>

<p>I know how busy you are at this time of the year, so please don't feel that you need to respond quickly. I am writing to ask for your input on the handling of an issue that has come up on occasion with regard to my daughter's health.</p>

<p>XXX is one of your many prospective dance applicants. During her interview, XXX asked her about her health...and I can only assume that there was a concern about her weight. She replied, correctly, that she was very healthy and had no issues which could/would affect her ability to dance.</p>

<p>XXX, and her brother, are both, genetically, very lean. Although she looks fragile, she's one of the strongest kids I have ever seen...outperforming most of her high school male counterparts in sit-ups, push-ups, and pull-ups. In addition, she has never had problems with endurance. She actually comes home at night even more energized after hours of training and rehearsal. While she is very fair (as a result of her Irish decent and living in the cloud-covered XXX), she has never been anemic. She eats a very healthy diet...usually five smaller meals throughout the day...and supplements it with vitamins, iron, and extra calcium.</p>

<p>I'm guessing that a possible eating disorder was potentially being ruled out with XXX's questions. As a parent, knowing the increased risk of this problem with girls involved in dance, I too have always looked for any possible signs of this issue. I have never seen any. Nor has her doctor, who is also aware of her weight and activities. XXX does have a food-allergy, which can cause her to lose weight if she accidently consumes that particular food, but it is a condition that does not affect her dance/daily life. When she's in the middle of intense rehearsals (i.e., an entire week of 8-hour-days with evening performances), she will drop weight if she's not careful. Knowing this, she weighs herself daily when she's in these situations and increases her calories accordingly. Even under the most grueling schedules, however, she has never exhausted herself or become ill. Quite honestly, I can't even remember, in the past three years, the last time she was sick with even a cold.</p>

<p>I am quite hesitant to interfere with the process, but I know XXX would be devastated at being rejected if someone thought she had an eating disorder or wasn't healthy enough to dance. Part of me doesn't want to bring this up at all because maybe it is a non-issue at this point and I'm now only bringing it to the forefront again. On the other hand, if there are questions, I want them to be accurately addressed. Perhaps, this e-mail to you is sufficient in resolving any lingering reservations or perhaps it is best ignored. I completely trust your judgment regarding this information needing to be passed on or not at the appropriate time. </p>

<p>In all sincerity, I applaud the fact that XXX asked her about this issue.</p>

<p>Best Regards,”</p>

<p>So dear CCers,
Do I send it at all? Do I send it to the person who interviewed her and specifically asked about her health (the director of the program) or to the person in charge of the admission process? Do I take the chance of bringing this up (they may well have been satisfied with her response) or do I hope her answer was complete enough? Does the wording make them re-question her strength? When you read it, are your first impressions…meddling mom or sickly kid? </p>

<p>And, really, she does not have an eating disorder.
I need advice!</p>

2

<p>I would send the email to the person who interviewed her. I would condense it a bit and still get your point across. I would offer to send a letter from her physician if necessary. I think it’s a big fear now - eating disorder. You are right to put their mind at ease. It’s one thing to hear from a dancer, and it’s another to hear it from her mother.</p>

3

<p>My first impression is that she probably has celiac disease, which is perfectly manageable. :slight_smile: I think you sound well-balanced in the letter, and so does your daughter. Usually, I wouldn’t think that parental letters are a good idea, but in this particular case I think it couldn’t hurt. My only caveat is that I think you would be wise to name the food allergy. Being mysterious about it counteracts the calm and open tone you have achieved otherwise.</p>

<p>I have to say that I’m astonished that ballet programs are now rejecting kids because they are too thin! Have you ever seen Wendy Whelan, a principal dancer at NYCB? She used to frighten me.</p>

<p>Oh, and I would send it to the person who interviewed her, I think. Offering to send a physician’s letter too is a good idea.</p>

4

<p>Concerned mom!</p>

<p>But I think she should address the issue herself. Maybe she can find an “insider” on CC or elsewhere in ballet admissions who could help her find an appropriate way to do so.</p>

5

<p>The daughter has already addressed it at the interview, the issue here is that they may not believe her and I wouldn’t really blame them. Having an adult to validate what the student has said at the interview would add some weight.</p>

6

<p>and I’d leave out the entire last paragraph. … and, although usually I’d say that communication should come from the kid, in this case, I think it’s valid that it come from you.</p>

7

<p>Perhaps a doctor or ballet instructor might be better than a mom, though.</p>

8

<p>Generally I’d say let her handle it, but since this is a medical “concern” my vote is it’s OK. The letter seems too long too me…I’d work on cutting it down.</p>

<p>(actually mom would know better about D’s eating habits than a doctor)</p>

9

<p>Would love to hear how you end up addressing this and what the response is. I also have a very lean D who is a multi-sport athlete and she has also suffered through the questions from some school personnel.</p>

10

<p>Often eating disorders run in families; there are a lot of moms who will deny their daughter has a problem because they also have a problem. That’s why it might be better for someone else who knows the applicant to write.</p>

11

<p>If you end up sending it, I just recommend making it much much more concise and to the point. You tend to write the way I do, but you want your readers to get the main point with very little effort and time.</p>

12

<p>I’d condense and send.</p>

13

<p>Yes, Consolation, she has celiac disease. She’s asymptomatic except for the weight loss at times. </p>

<p>She is always heistant to mention it because the word “disease” scares people. She just doesn’t talk about it. She was diagnosed three years ago and is 100% compliant with the diet, but sometimes gets “glutened” through no fault of her own. Between the occasional glutenings and a rigorous ballet schedule the past few months, she’s been chugging on the Ensure to keep her weight up. </p>

<p>Another reason she didn’t want to mention that she’s a celiac is that if admissions had to choose between two equally proficient dancers, they would choose the one without the “issues.” Sadly, I would choose the other if I was in their shoes.</p>

<p>Regarding the doctor’s note…I thought about that too. She only found out that she was being considered this past weekend, and decisions will be made the first week of March. Her gastroenterologist is out of town for the next two weeks, and I didn’t think if was fair to bother the on-call doc with having to “carefully” write such a letter, especially for a patient that he does not know. Although, I can certainly offer such a letter to the admissions committee if I decide to send my more concise/edited version.</p>

<p>oldfort…my thoughts exactly. How would they expect a teen to respond when asked about their weight? Either way, the dancer is going to say they’re fine as they want to be considered for the program.</p>

14

<p>I’d consider a short letter that does not go into the details of her exercise regimen or eating habits. </p>

<p>After all, intense physical exercise is perfectly consistent with having an eating disorder, as are small meals.</p>

<p>If another school rejected her because of her weight, I’m thinking that a skeptic isn’t going to be swayed by a detailed letter from Mom.</p>

<p>I’d consider simply stating that the question of DD’s health came up, she is healthy, she doesn’t have an eating disorder, her doctor will vouch for that when he returns on March ___, thank you for your concern about the health of your dancers.</p>

<p>Like Consolation, the school will probably be able to figure out that she has celiac disease if you go into the food allergy details.</p>

<p>I’d send the letter to the interviewer, since that person is also director of the program.</p>

15

<p>It may not be necessary to say anything I think a brief note from your daughter with an explanation of celiac disease would be sufficient. There has been a major increase in public awareness of this issue in the last year or two and I can’t imagine there’s any stigma attached. Restaurants are advertising gluten-free menus (check out Wildfire for example) and groceries are increasing gluten-free products. I had never heard of it until my sister-in-law was diagnosed a few years ago. But now there are more and more articles in the newspaper about how healthy it is to avoid gluten- it’s almost becoming the new hot diet!</p>

<p>If you don’t want to use the word “disease”, your DD could just explain that she follows a gluten-free diet in accordance with her doctor’s recommendation.</p>

16

<p>Could a dance instructor write a short note instead? I’m not sure how a letter from Mom would be received. If you do send a letter yourself, I’d encourage you to cut it way down to just the necessities. I’d also suggest addressing Celiac directly or saying that she needs to keep a gluten-free diet which can effect her weight. A short note from her doctor attesting to her health would also be effective. When the doctor’s in town, I’d suggest getting such a letter and forwarding it along when appropriate.</p>

17

<p>when the first person said it was for her weight that they didn’t choose her, was it because she was too thin?</p>

<p>and not to distract from thread, but to clarify:</p>

<p>sometimes people with eating disorders have high energy, are strong, appear fit…so as a general rule, not in this case because of the allergy issues, we need to be aware that people with eating disorders can put on a good front…we had a star player who dropped weight, but she could keep up with the rest of the team, played amazingly well, ran, trained…when I saw her you looked gray to me…my Ds said, no she doesn’t have an eating disorder, the coaches are bery strick about all that…turns out she had bulemia…she is fine now. I just don’t want people to be mislead that people with eating disorders are collapsing at your feet, they can mask it really well…some take lots of caffiene pills, or those just “wonderful” energy pills…</p>

<p>In this case, it is the allergy…and mom is on top of it…</p>

18

<p>JAM: Having a 14 yr old with celiac disease, my heart goes out to your daugher…My d is always mistaken for having an eating disorder and it has greatly affected the way she perceives herself…She is very thin (although has gained 30 lbs since diagnosis in 2005) and prays every day that she will all of a sudden “look normal”…Please let us know what you decide to do; we are a couple of years away from this process, but it didn’t occur to me until I read your thread that we would have to face this issue in interviews…BTW, if you PM me I can send you a list of colleges that are extremely accomodating with celiac diets…If you happen to know of any, please let me know as well…</p>

19

<p>JAM, I completely understand where you and your d are coming from regarding a reluctance to use the word “disease.” Nevertheless, since you know she has already lost one spot through false assumptions made about the reason for her thinness, and since this interviewer also brought it up, I think that you would be wise to calmly but firmly dispel the idea that she may be denying an eating disorder. The best way to do that is to give the real reason behind her weight management issue. I agree with Marilyn that a simple explanation of celiac would be a good idea. (For one thing, “food allergies” raise the specter of bouts of violent illness, which don’t occur with celiac, according to my understanding from those who have it. Even if she accidentally ingests some gluten, she’s not going to be prostrate and missing classes and rehearsals!) If necessary, you could say something about “following a gluten-free diet” and how if she accidentally ingests some gluten it “impairs her absorbtion of nutrients for a period of time and makes it more difficult to keep her weight up.” </p>

<p>If they are going to compare her to a similar dancer now, they might reject her because of the suspicion of an eating disorder. At least if they know the truth, that wouldn’t happen. I have the feeling that they would be much more concerned about a kid an eating disorder than a kid with a naturally thin physique and gluten sensitivity!</p>

<p>Best of luck to you.</p>

20

<p>I support ADad’s solution. Yes, get the information across, but matter-of-fact is best I think. When you mention the dates of doctor’s return I’d give name, telephone number, etc. But perhaps pediatrician would be enlisted without gastroenterologist being brought in.</p>

<p>If pediatrician writes note that D is genetically lean that should be sufficient. I don’t see why celliac should be brought into it at all.</p>