<p>This may have been covered, but it happened to me recently and irks me.
You are speaking to people and they ask where did jenny apply to? I try to brush it off and just list the "safer" schools and say a few others to avoid discussion . they insist and keep pushing it. i relent as drop the HPY-types of schools and then you get "that look". really? you asked. I avoided it.
These same people will probably badger me later once decisions come out and I'll get the smirk if she goes elsewhere.</p>
<p>I say, “Oh, she doesn’t really want me to talk about it, but I am sure she will have some good choices in April. How about your little dumpling?” All they really want to do is talk about where their kid applied anyway.</p>
<p>“Thank you so much for your interest. I hope she’ll have happy news to share in April. Hey, have you lost weight? you look terrific.”</p>
<p>You need to practice not indulging other people’s needs to violate your boundaries. It only gets worse as the kids get older- “OMG, I can’t believe you let her pledge a sorority. Those girls all have anorexia or substance abuse issues” or “Wow, you’re encouraging her to go to law school? Everyone knows that law school is a total waste of money” and “She’s majoring in Sociology? Hope she likes making change or coffee since that’s what she’ll end up doing”.</p>
<p>Don’t get roped into a discussion about your D if it makes either of you uncomfortable. Practice makes perfect.</p>
<p>Just say, “She’s applied at a variety of great places she likes. We’ll see what she decides in May.” Then change the subject.</p>
<p>I said she applied so many places I don’t even know all of them. It will be interesting where our kids do end up. Won’t it.</p>
<p>Then later- gosh she has been talking about a lot of majors (in jr year). Or our older D gosh she has been looking at a lot of jobs and place, etc. Then ask the same question about their kid.</p>
<p>Yeah, I am guilty. I ask people where they applied, or their child applied. And then, they never say. And honestly, after the way things went for some over the last couple of years (the kids we knew of who went on and on about their top choice school, even buying shirts and other products from that place, and then did not get in, they looked silly honestly). I am not sure how to handle this. I honestly told people where my child was applying for this year. But for my next child, she is applying to reach schools for the most part. I will likely tell her to not discuss it or list off a couple safe choices. She really really wants to go to Rice and I feel like she will jinx it if she tells people. Plus, no one wants anyone to know when you get rejected.</p>
<p>No one has asked me where my son applied, except my MIL. But, she is a bad person and she asks only to come up with put downs and compare my children with people she is biologically related to (who have not even gotten in anywhere yet, they are not even seniors).</p>
<p>I guess I ask the question because I am curious to find if anyone is looking at colleges we have been looking at. And for my son, who is not as competitive, it never bothered me. But I am thinking that next year, when my daughter’s list is more competitive and I know she will receive rejections, I probably won’t want to tell.</p>
<p>Look up the Smile and Nod thread.</p>
<p>I tell them when they ask…</p>
<p>When my kids were applying, I would say something such as “he’s applying all over the place!” or “lots of different schools.” If they didn’t get the message that I wasn’t going to name a whole list of different schools then I would say: “he really asked me not to say until he has some acceptances. He doesn’t want to jinx anything”</p>
<p>I’ve known parents who would tell anyone who would listen that their kid’s first choice was (insert top 20 school here) and that’s where kid was applying ED and had wanted to go there forever, etc, etc. Problem is, the kid didn’t have the stats for the school and was rejected. I think it makes potential rejections harder for your kid when multiple people know exactly where they applied.</p>
<p>Perhaps I am just too dense to realize there are ulterior motives behind that question or too far removed from the race to care if other people see the answers as competition. People asked where d’11 applied. I told them. Will probably do the same for d’14.</p>
<p>People ask all the time of everyone in our community, and it’s not thought of as rude or a big deal. Most of the kids here have grown up together, and very few apply to ivies, and those that have don’t have a problem sharing it. They just smile with crossed fingers.</p>
<p>I guess I never gave it much thought.</p>
<p>It’s not a big deal in our community either, largely because virtually all students are applying instate and most of those to BSU. Therefore, that’s the answer they expect and will be able to tell their DS/DD that your DS/DD will be going there also. You really open a “can of worms” when you say almost any OOS public or private. The only OOS Ivy-like school around here that won’t generate raised eyebrows is Stanford (which takes a few atheletes/legacy/smart kids from the HS). Other than BSU as a safety, my son applied only to OOS schools, of which only one was Public. People could understand applying to one of the well-respected instate Privates here, but didn’t seem to understand that the cost of a Private School is more or less the same anywhere.</p>
<p>We rarely gave the entire 10 college list to anyone, but would mention BSU and a few of the others. Mentioning Northwestern, Rice or Tufts was always good for a quizzical vacant look as they tried to figure out where they were (or if they had ever heard of them). We would usually throw in one of the three Ivys that he was applying to and maybe one of the other schools. The absolute best reaction was telling a Mom whose daughter was in our son’s class that he was applying to Harvard (along with a few of the others). We had known the family since before our son was born. Nonetheless, she looked at my wife and said “He will never get into Harvard! Harvard wants students more like DD!” My wife just smiled and nodded and said he would try anyway. Months later he was going to Harvard and she was going to BSU.</p>
<p>How about the parents who post every detail (applications, interviews) on Facebook. I cringed because it was like watching a car wreck in slow motion when their child didn’t get into those schools but got into a very good school. Instead of being congratulated, tens of people posted, “what happened?” What happened was a combination of many BWRK and too few places…
My son swore us to secrecy because he doesn’t want to get into the, ‘where are you applying game’. I even watching him dance around the question when our clergy asked him. It’s not a question of not wanting competition but rather not playing the game…We listen to the parents who tell us how brilliant their kids are but somehow their names weren’t called when National Merit Scholars were listed, either NMSF or Commended scholars…hmmmmmm</p>
<p>It’s a natural question to ask when a student is at that stage in life. It was never a secret with our kids, and not for most kids here either. For the vast majority of the population, it 's the same list of the local and state schools anyways. It 's just for those who are in the high stakes game of college apps that have a little too much ego and involved that get way too sensitive about this. I don’t see why this is a big deal thing. If you don’t want to let people know, just say so. but yes, relatives, neighbors, classmates, clergy, anyone with interest in your child are likely to ask, and it will be more of an item of interest when one is being so secretive.</p>
<p>Instead of asking specifics, I usually ask “how are your/your kids applications going?” If someone wants to share more details then they can. I don’t regard it as an ego or a competitive thing. Decision time can be stressful and sad for many kids, especially if they didn’t get into one of their top choices. Why make it worse by having multiple people come up to them and asking “did you get into school x?” If the answer is no, it only makes the disappointment worse.</p>
<p>ordinarylives–same here–they are asking for the same reason I ask, because they are interested, no more, no less.</p>
<p>I never asked. I would say, hey you surving the college hunt? Can’t wait to be an empty nester!!!</p>
<p>And I never said anything bad about any school. You never know</p>
<p>It’s not the question that is offensive, but some of the comments, reactions that come after the answer that can be rude and hurtful.</p>
<p>Gosh, I just tell them. It’s not a secret. Anyone I see regularly will end up finding out where they end up. I was pretty prepared for whatever the results were. Actually I wasn’t prepared for younger son to do so well! I really underestimated him and it’s been a pleasure to see him continue to blossom now that he’s in college.</p>
<p>Most people who my older son weren’t at all surprised by his list. (HMSC + 3) Some thought my younger son would have the same list, but there’s a big different between being top 1% of the class and not quite top 5% and I’d tell them that, especially ones with kids in the pipeline. They need to hear that safeties are important.</p>