Should I praise my child more?

Parents Forum
21

When you have an exceptionally talented and motivated child, don’t beg for perfection. Just hitch a ride and go with it. She is just a middle schooler. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Look for opportunities for her to grow intellectually, but don’t demand perfection and don’t steer her life.

Speaking from good experience here, with a kid who always amazed his teachers (from age 3 onward), but never did things in order to achieve praise. His drive and motivation was internal, not external. He wanted to do interesting and challenging things. We didn’t have to create challenges for him. He made his own.

22

You might want to read the books of Alfie Kohn, including “Punished by Rewards.” I think he wrote another one about parental praise. Generally, staying neutral and supportive, commenting on work effort and so on are part of his ideas. He sees rewards as being as destructive as punishments.

Since she was gifted, your daughter might have come to depend on your high opinion of her. Adolescence is a good time to develop intrinsic motivation versus depending on the extrinsic motivation she is seeking (parental approval, grades?). It can be a tough transition.

You may be doing this but reading up on adolescence, and even finding someone to talk to, might help your family situation now and in coming years. I think what your posts are conveying is a sense of loss, as the sweet and gifted and easy youngster is now turning into an adolescent. She may sense this. We have all gone through this transformation. Our kids need to know that they are still loved, even at their worst moments.

Praise for achievements can be a substitute for love for some kids. I am not saying that is your doing. Sometimes it just happens almost by accident. Let her know you love her unconditionally and perhaps praise can dim as an issue in your house. Let her know you trust her to do her work and be a good person, that you will support her interests, but that praise is a false incentive now that she is older. And not to say it again, but let her know that no matter what, you love her, and say that every day.

23

It really sounds like you could benefit from family counseling. A lot of what is going on with your daughter is normal teenage angst, but it sounds like you also have some personal issues, like difficulty giving compliments and a certain level of obsessiveness, that probably are adding fuel to the fire. So it might be beneficial to begin working with an individual therapist to get a sense of why you place outsized importance on some things.

You mentioned teaching your daughter to read in your native language, which suggests that you are an immigrant. It’s also extremely common for there to be a clash between children of immigrants and their parents, because your daughter has grown up in a different culture with different expectations than you have.

I think you’ve described some reasons to be concerned about your daughter, as well – a 12 year old may be petulant, but asking the child to clean her own room shouldn’t result in a tantrum. But that could be a reaction to seeds sewn long ago. My mother was obsessively neat, and as a child I got the message early on that when it came to cleaning, there was nothing I could to please her. I couldn’t make my bed well enough to keep her happy, and if I tried to help out in the kitchen my mom was sure to point out the mistakes I had made and the spots that I had missed. So perhaps there are reasons that your daughter is so resistant and reactive that you aren’t aware of.

Two pieces of advice:

The very best advice I ever got was from a therapist who saw my son and I for a single session when son was 13. He said to me, “you are grown up in this relationship” – it didn’t matter how “wrong” my son was, he was still a child and I needed to rise up my feelings of frustration and not engage with squabbling with my kid.

The other is just one I learned on my own over the years: Listen to your child. Your daughter already told you what is bothering her: “Last night she told me that a few years ago I stopped praising her and that she feels nothing she does anymore makes me proud.” There was only one right reaction to that statement – you should have hugged her and said, “I’m so sorry you feel that way, I love you am very proud of you!” Instead, you responded and tried to defend and justify your behavior. When you are in a relationship with someone and that person tells you how they feel – you need to acknowledge their feelings. It doesn’t matter whether you think their feeling are justified or not – those are genuine feelings, and you can’t control how another person feels. Your daughter gave you an opening to build understanding. . and you pushed her away.

Don’t beat yourself up over that - we all have our moments – but you do need to let down your guard somewhat and be willing to change if you want improved relationship with your daughter. And it is the relationship that counts, not what she achieves this month or next year.

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I agree with compmom - talking to a counselor can be SO helpful. I thought I really understood our teenaged daughter pretty well, but it turns out she was VERY VERY stressed (like ending-up-in-the-ER stressed). I think kids these days really are under more pressure than we were. They need all the support and love we can give them. Lots of hugs, even if they act like they don’t want them!

After getting three kids through adolescence, my views on parenting have changed. I’m much more easy-going and positive. It seems to work much better, too!

25

^^^

Beautifully said @calmom.

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I hope you will take the time to read this. I am a high school senior. Just my own two cents from the flip side of college admissions and test score madness and such. I will be attending Columbia next year…

Your daughter is incredibly smart. But she still has plenty of time to figure out what she wants to do with her intellect. That is what adolescence is for, in part. She quit swimming? Why doesn’t she start fencing? or skating? Is math not her strong suit? Figure out what is and what she is passionate about. Get her involved with that. You do not want your daughter to burn out too early, you do not want her to go to college and then have an identity crisis, you do not want her to think that you will only be proud of her based on what she achieves. You should be proud of her innate characteristics as well as her achievements. If she did not show such academic talent, would you still love her? Of course you would. You would just love and be proud of her for who she was born as, without placing some of that praise and love on hold to see “what she does with herself” as a middle schooler. A child, a girl especially, who constantly feels as though she is never good enough and will do anything to please her parents in the hopes of gaining approval will follow this pattern throughout life- including in her romantic relationships (which I think we can all agree can develop into unhealthy relationships as well as friendships). Praise tells her that she brings some sort of positivity to your life. Remember that.

I have achieved many things, all of which my parents are proud of. The only reason I was able to achieve any of these things, however, was because I knew my parents would be proud of me and who I was as a person no matter what. I got more into drugs than was healthy for a while, I also pitched a social venture and won $1000 to develop my idea which I did, I wanted to run away from home a few times because I was so unhappy, I suffered from depression, I graduated from high school early and went travelling, I got involved with community service and wrote/was awarded multiple community grants, I was a mentor to new students in my school, I cut class sometimes to hangout and smoke with my friends. In other words, I was a normal teen that did teen things that, individually, my parents may not have been “proud” of. But I always knew they were proud of my kindness, my communication skills, my empathy, etc. even when my achievements weren’t that great. That knowledge was what spurred me on to complete the other, more “intellectual” achievements of mine. It’s ok. It really is. It will all work out. Showing your child that you are proud of them will not ruin them.

Also, 670 is amazing. Let. It. Go. I got a 510 on my math SAT as a junior in high school. Like I said above, I will be attending Columbia University in the fall. And no, I did not write about my trying teenage years or anything, there was no hook, I simply showed them who I was. And I was able to do that because I had been able to figure out who I was during high school, because my parents offered me the time and love and support to do that. Do not let the craziness of college admissions affect how much love and approval your child feels she has or deserves. She deserves it all. What happens after her schooling is over? Will she want to share things with you if she is afraid of your generally negative reactions?

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@warbrain, that’s exactly what I was saying, thank you for catching that!

@mackinaw, I wish I could say my daughter was driven, but I am not sure I could claim that. When she was younger, she indeed was - SHE wanted to go to swim practices, SHE self-taught herself to read in English and was devouring our local library. In middle school it all stopped. Part of it was the school - I personally was impressed by only 1 teacher in 6th grade (out of 6x3=18 I met) who inspired my daughter and made her learn and work for it. Part of it was early puberty and all that fun that comes with it. I look forward to high school - so far heard mostly good things about it.

@calmom, I agree with you and yes, as an adult I should know better. Last night, after we all went to bed, I was thinking of telling her about the things I was proud of - how she still speaks her native language while so many of her peers have given up because English is easier, how she manages all her school work, easy as it may be, without me being involved. And yes, I love her pieces.

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@Beatofopinion, thank you so much for your post, it was VERY helpful and I read it twice. I love my daughter unconditionally, and she knows it. But maybe I didn’t think that she needs me not only to love her, but to be proud of her. And maybe she doesn’t realize that her being nice to her brother and to her grandparents would bring me more joy than any achievement. And that’s what I need to keep repeating to her.

Somebody mentioned that the mere fact that a mom to an 8-h grader is on this board indicates I’m obsessed with college. Well, yes and no. I am not very social in a sense that I don’t spend hours chatting with parents of my daughter’s classmates, to be honest I don’t know most of her classmates’ parents. Through all that chatter they may exchange some valuable information. That’s how I learned about CTY SAT testing for 8th graders in the first place. After my daughter took that, she was offered to try a new SAT for free, and that’s when I started looking for information online on new SAT and came across this board. And learned a wealth of information and still learning. And listening, truly listening to what people are telling me. So thank you for taking the time to write your long post, I truly appreciate it!

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@typiCAmom …the middle school years are tough, for everyone. It is a time of transition, and a normal time for a child to lose interest in some activities, as they they are dealing with changing bodies and raging hormones and it’s hard for them to know who they are and what they want at that time. Their social relationships with peers become very important then, and it’s not an altogether bad thing. My daughter still maintains strong friendships with many of the kids she was close to in middle school.

And yes … it’s not too late to go and tell her how proud you are of her. Part of my post comes from the mistakes I made along the way --the words I later wished I could take back.

Your daughter clearly has the intellect that will allow her to do well. She might feel more motivated in high school and become a top student and go a prestigious university; or she might opt to take a more relaxed approach to high school, and end up at your state university instead – and that’s fine (and as an added benefit may end up saving your family a lot of money). I think that when you have a child who is capable and find academics easy, often the best approach is to relax and help your child develop a well-rounded life style.

Every kid ends up following their own path, but the relaxed approach worked for me. My daughter was a very precocious early learner – like yours, she learned to read before age 4 - and after she was tested as highly gifted at age 6 many “experts” encouraged me to find a different school placement for her. But I chose instead to place more importance on DD’s emotional and social development. She always had straight A’s but never worked for the and was always socializing with friends through high school. But she ended up getting into very prestigious colleges and she changed in college-- she became much more focused and hard working. Graduated near the top of her college class. So I do agree with @Beatofopinion – I think the best that any parent can do is to give their child the confidence that is gained from knowing that their parents support them and will be there for them no matter what.

30

If you want your daughter to be more active and want her to do more chores around the house, try engaging her in the decision-making process. Explain being active from a health/lifelong patterns standpoint. I’m glad you didn’t force her to swim if she didn’t want to any longer but you can tell her she should choose something to do and ask her to decide what that something is. Help her brainstorm if she needs it. It doesn’t have to be a team or competitive sport.

Ditto on the chores. I think a kid can be expected to be helpful around the house. State matter of factly that you have that expectation of her as a contributing member of the household. Ask her what chores she might like to do to contribute as a maturing family member. See what she comes up with and discuss the parameters and expectations with her.

Kids like to have choices and the feeling of being in control.

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I think it can help to understand that our children can seem transformed in early adolescence. In middle school, in my opinion, they mainly need to sleep and eat! I said that once at a parents’s meeting where parents were asking for more homework :slight_smile: I remember a funny cartoon with a teenage werewolf coming down the stairs!

The brain is under construction for awhile, literally. Eventually we get them back so to speak.

It is really really helpful to learn about this, Try reading the book “Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager, Revised and Updated .” When I googled this many other books came up as well.

Giftedness does not equal maturity. Sometimes kids are easy because they want to please, and those can be the most rebellious in teen years.

I really feel mystified when people ask me if I am proud of such and such that one of my kids did. Pride implies it has something to do with me, and usually it doesn’t.

I dislike praise as well, as a form of attention. I think hugs and “love you’s” work better than the “proud of you’s” which seem more attached to things people do than who they are :slight_smile:

As many of us have written, it really is much better for kids to avoid attachment to external praise. The really bright kids get quite a lot of this. I wonder if this is why sometimes the more invisible students end up achieving more…

32

I’m not a parent. I’m only 6 years removed from where your daughter is at now, and I’ll start with this: Being 12 is tough, especially if you’re different. It sounds to me like she is going through some very common troubles of being that age. She is a year younger than her classmates. You mentioned that she is abnormally tall and has high hormone levels, which leads me to believe she may be more physically developed than other girls in her classes. While I don’t know her and may be totally wrong, I bet that this is tough for her. Middle schoolers are mean and I can totally see this being something that she gets made fun of for, just because kids in that age group are all kind of insecure and will often take any opportunity to denigrate others. They are also very image-conscious. While I can only imagine how hurtful it is that your daughter would be embarrassed by your disability, I can see this being something she’s afraid of getting made fun of for, if she isn’t already. She will feel bad about this in a few years. I know I feel bad for being a difficult pain in the butt to my parents when I was that age.

I acted similarly to your daughter when I was that age. I coasted through middle school and got all A’s in honors classes. I wasn’t motivated to do much outside of school and I could be a real pain in the butt, especially to my mother, who I now have a very close relationship with. I left piles of gross dirty clothes around my room and eventually, my mom cleaned it for me, but did not let me use the internet for two weeks and did not buy me any new clothes for a month, since I was not respecting the nice things I already had. You can go this route, or you can look the other way and wait for her to realize that she’s going to school in stinky clothes and do something about it herself. A year later, when I was thirteen, I got a pretty drastic haircut (which made me a lot more confident) and started wearing clothes that I liked and which suited me, even though I didn’t fit in with the Aeropostale crowd at my school. I was happier and my attitude changed. Middle school is a time of changing bodies and ideas and just about everything else. She’ll get through it and probably be better for it.

I also lost interest in activities that I used to do. I don’t think there’s any shame in quitting a sport which isn’t for you. I quit swimming, although I did run cross country throughout high school (which I hated at times since I was injured almost every year, but stuck with it for fitness and because I often did enjoy it). I stopped reading as many books. The list goes on.

I got a 33 on my ACT without studying and had a 4.0 unweighted GPA in high school even though I slacked off. My extracurricular involvements were minimal. I coasted through high school. Today, I am an almost-19-year-old at a top-25 university. It’s the most challenging thing I have ever had to do. I am used to things being easy, and a few weeks ago, I cried into my boyfriend’s shoulder because things are HARD. I have to put effort in now. I have to do my own laundry, get or cook my own food, apply for internships, maintain friendships, and complete coursework which is much more challenging than what I’ve ever done in the past. But this also makes me appreciate things more. I like having nice clean clothes and sheets. I can really enjoy a meal I cooked myself. I am reading for pleasure and knitting whenever I have time. I run to de-stress. I still don’t do many extracurricular activities, but I live a balanced life and I am truly happy.

Sorry that this was so long. Your daughter is likely going through a rough time, whether you realize it or not. Try to be understanding and give her your support when possible. You will both get through this.

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^ Yes you should be very proud of your daughter to achieve that at the age of only 12!

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@typiCAmom What I’m saying is that you perhaps should be behind your daughter, backing her up and building her self-confidence, not in front of her dragging her in one direction or another. She is clearly very smart. So encourage her to keep up what she’s doing, praise her achievements, and make sure she has the resources and support to try new things that she’s interested in. Also, don’t expect her every endeavor to be a success. But appreciate what she may have learned from them.

My son’s interests were off-beat, NOT succeeding in tests or grades but instead finding a few activities he was passionate about and in which he excelled. They were not necessarily activities in the classroom or in school. He did well enough in school but didn’t seek perfection (i.e., perfect grades) and we didn’t push him to do that. He got more satisfaction from his EC’s than from his classwork. Good enough. He gained distinction in those, while doing very well but not perfect in his classwork. (On tests he came very close to perfect, but he never studied for them. The scores reflected his ability, not his specific preparation. Overall, 3910 on 5 SAT tests his junior-senior years.)

My point is that your daughter will likely define her own goals and interests, and as a parent you should give her resources and support to achieve them. Try to see what she is learning from her achievements, and give her a pat on the back. She’s not always going to succeed, but she’s likely to be her best critic when she falls short. She doesn’t need you to point this out. Emphasize the positive.

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In short, I think a combination of deserved praise for things well done and “redirection” for things that are not as well done are both important for kids to hear. Sounds to me like you could find some reasons to praise your D along with pointing out her shortcomings. You basically have a good, smart, imperfect teen and constant criticism with no praise may just turn her off to anything you are telling her.

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You say that your daughter knows that you love her. How can you be sure of that. Has she ever acknowledged that she knows that you love her? Love can be a very intangible thing to teenagers , even very smart ones. They look for external cues to assess their worth and how much they are loved me appreciated because at that young age it is difficult to find their worth internally . I know that you are frustrated with your daughter. It is clear throughout every post. There is never a positive without a negative to negate the positive. Once a person is told enough negative things about themselves , they tend to believe them and act accordingly . I agree with the earlier posters who suggest counseling.

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I am actually glad you came here looking for advice, and I see you have been given lots of it. I hope that you are going to heed some of it. I am especially concerned about the part where you say that she is being rude, not being as nice as your toddler, being a drama queen, etc… What you have on your hands here is a NORMAL kid who is becoming a teenager. I have two teens, and I can’t see a single thing wrong with anything you have described about her. She is probably as hormonal as it is possible for a human female to be, and you are acting as if she has problems. This is harsh, but Mom, I think you are the person causing problems. For,the sake of your child, please give your daughter a chance to grow at her own pace, not yours. Again, you are unhealthily pressuring her. The teen years she is heading into are very difficult, and she needs love and reassurance right now. Nothing else.

38

OP-
I would suggest you stop thinking about all the things you don’t like about/ are a disappointment about your daughter, and start thinking about what you do like/are proud of, or you will likely have a disenfranchised relationship and a kid with a poor self concept.

39

As a teen myself, I had a mom for whom nothing was good enough in school. Don’t get me wrong - she loved me. But if I came home with an A, she wanted to know why it wasn’t an A+. Looking back, I see that it was her way. It didn’t make it any easier. The only time I shut her up is when I was named valedictorian, lol. She didn’t do that in college, but there were some trying moments in high school.

But, I promised myself I would never do that with my kids and I haven’t. You hear “good job” coming out of my mouth a lot (they are 16 and almost 14). I don’t go over the top, but it’s okay in my opinion to say “wow, that’s a good job!” and then move on to something else. If they get a stinky grade, I commiserate because I know they work hard and, to be honest, a lot of grading is out of their hands. Another question I ask - especially with the high schooler taking advanced classes - is “are you happy with it?” Sometimes a 75 is the highest score in the class. Or I ask “did you try your best.”

Everyone parents differently, but I am 50 and still remember how much it smarted to not be recognized for all the things I did right.

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I joke that I lost both of my children in 7th grade!! I didn’t recognize the child whom I knew from birth. I am very happy to report that they both made it out the other side. :slight_smile:

I just read this entire thread and haven’t seen a comment about your son. Your very intelligent daughter is juxtaposing the praise you heap on your son to the praise that she no longer receives. She said as much. Is it possible that translates into you love my brother more than me?

Just the other day, my daughter told me that she placed 2nd in the choir auditions. I gave her a high five, congratulated her and told her I was happy for her. Does she have a naturally beautiful voice? Yes. Does she have to work as hard as some others to achieve the same or a better result? No. Neither of those things negated the excitement she felt in placing second.

Juxtapose this to several weeks before when I went to pick her up from tennis practice and was about 10 minutes early. I caught her walking to the practice courts in her tennis clothes with her boyfriend. She had skipped practice to hang out with her boyfriend. She got in the car, was extremely defensive and said that they were allowed to miss five practices during the season and she missed that one, by choice. I didn’t go on and on. I calmly told her that I was disappointed in her decision as she had made a commitment to be on the team and shouldn’t skip practice for the reason she did. I also said that she actually knew it wasn’t right because she had changed into her tennis clothes to “fool” me into thinking that she was at practice. Was she happy to hear that? No. She huffed and puffed in the car. Later that evening, I gave her a great big hug and told her that I loved her.

It is absolutely okay to let your child know that you don’t think that they made a good decision, rejoice when they aced a test, congratulate them for straight A’s (even if they don’t have to work hard for them) and commiserate when something doesn’t goes as planned. The trick is to make sure that they don’t equate the aforementioned things with your unconditional love for them.

Also, as far as grades are concerned, there are plenty of gifted kids who don’t get A’s because they can’t be bothered to even do the minimal amount of work necessary to get A’s. Let’s face it, most traditional schools are filled with busy work that doesn’t tax a gifted child’s mind. Being able to do this work, hand it in and ace a class is a life skill. When we reach adulthood, most of us are going to have parts of our job that aren’t as interesting as we would like. We will have to plow through the boring to get to the interesting. Or in my case, just plow through the boring!!! :slight_smile: That’s just a fact.