Should I praise my child more?

Parents Forum
41

I hesitated to post because this thread makes me really sad.

For a lot of kids smart comes easy; it’s being happy and feeling loved that takes a lot of “effortful study” by everyone around them.

And I am completely guilty of expecting too much intellectually and academically from my kids at a young age (because they tested gifted-which I now think is a TERRIBLE thing to do to young kids), and not focusing as much on making them feel loved and awesome.

Luckily I realized it sometime during their freshman year of high school and switched gears from being the stick on their rump to the somewhat naggy wind beneath their wings.

42

Here’s some of what I have learned after parenting 3 children, the youngest of whom is now 18.

  1. Every negative we say is amplified and distorted in their ears. If we make what we think is a harmless joke or comment, they hear loud, stinging criticism.
  2. Every positive we say is cherished but unlike the negative, is diminished to a whisper. They need so much more of it! They need our unconditional love. They need our approval. No, that does not mean that they get unconditional approval but we need to tell them how much we love them in very concrete, clear terms all the time and we need to find the places where they do earn our respect and approval. Even if it kills us when they are in the midst of their worst teenage behavior.
  3. The rest of the world will be right there and ready to criticize. We are the safe haven for our children.
  4. There is far more to life than what is prized in school. Keep your eyes on the big picture and try your best not to obsess over middle school SAT scores, middle school grades, middle school athletics. Treasure things like her sense of humor, her devotion to her brother, her interest in podcasts or latest memes, her artwork or music or whatever it is she enjoys. Remember how we delighted in our baby's own delight in the new world she was discovering? Try to recapture that feeling and do your best to see the world through her eyes.
  5. Find friends or even a community like this one to VENT. Parenting is hard and as much as we love them, our kids can drive us crazy.
43

On a board with a group of fellow parents, we are talking about our own parents because of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day coming up. As I wrote about my deceased parents, I remember that when my father died, my siblings and I all talked about how he’d made each of us feel as though we were his favorite-that when he spent time with us, all of his attention went to whichever kid it was. How he gave up his rare free days to take us to the beach-having learned to swim just so he could do exactly that. He was the biggest cheerleader for each and every one of us-the academic star, the sports kid, and the one who struggled with learning difficulties. None of us EVER felt like we didn’t measure up. He wasn’t all about praise, but all about loving each of us as we were and encouraging each of us to reach for our goals, even when he didn’t understand them.

I wasn’t the nicest teen to my mom. But one thing that worked for us in getting through those years was that we never stopped talking it out. It was sometimes difficult, but we kept the lines of communication open. I think that’s how we were able to be friends once I became an adult. She too, supported us in our endeavors. She might question a decision, but she never once sent us off to bed without saying, “I love you” and ended every phone call once we’d grown and moved away the same way, no matter how contentious things were. It isn’t hard to do, it doesn’t take much effort, and it has NOTHING to do with grades, test scores, swimming, tennis or any of the other artificially important things in the OP’s world. Hormonal teens need to hear “I love you” even MORE than quiet, compliant grade schoolers.

44

Count me as one of the parents who wish they could have praised their children more but did not. I am still motivated in learning this aspect of parenting – and my “child” is well over 25. (I think I feel the same as MotherOfDragons.)

Why is it so hard for me to do this?!

45

Remember to be thankful for what your kids can do! I used to praise my son for his distance running, Eagle Scout rank, high SAT score, excellent grades, etc. Now I praise him when he walks to the grocery store to buy food. :frowning: He’s on Social Security and Medicaid at the age of 23. It can happen to anyone. It’s given me a different perspective on the term “success.”

46

I will try hard to keep remembering this.

A lot of wisdoms on this thread (although I could not contribute any to this thread.)
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This reminds me that DS was once placed 2nd in an audition and he was crying because of this! (What was worse, MUCH WORSE, was that this happened when he was a first grader – in some city-wise, almost free, after-school music program for all young kids. Luckily, the kid who was placed ahead of him in the audition is much older and taller than him. So it could be more acceptable to him – but he was still crying, as a first grader. Horrible experience. We came to that event and did not expect that they would have a chair audition (instead of just getting in or not) for such young kids – a total surprise to us.)

47

You are exactly right @MaineLonghorn . Often we lose perspective.

48

One thing that happens if you stop valuing wining and achievements quite so much is that it take a lot of pressure off the parents. I’m not sure when US culture started to view every aspect of childhood as (perceived as) a demonstration of parent worth but there certainly has been a switch in that direction. But when you give that up, you also alleviate a lot of pressure.

49

A radical rendition of child-raising and child-praising.

How you encourage, stimulate, and reward your children for their efforts and achievements is in reality a learning process in your part. What works best for a given child? What kind of relationship do you have with them? And since there are usually two parents in the household, what roles should each parent play?

In talking about strategies for stimulating and rewarding good behavior, I sometimes use an analogy to strategies for when to fertilize roses. There’s the “kick in the pants” technique in which you fertilize when you plant them or early in the spring – this will kick them in the pants, stimulating them to grow early and faster. Alternatively, there’s the “pat-on-the-back” technique in which you wait until the roses have begun to bud out and started to grow, and then you “reward” them with more fertilizer. The different approaches may work better for some types of roses and in some climates.

Our first child never needed a kick in the pants. He was motivated active, a very early learner. For him, we basically used the “pat on the back” approach. “Good going.” “Great!” The long-term payoff has been tremendous in his case. It also meant that we tolerated certain kinds of slip-ups and incredible stubbornness on his part (think: tantrums). This is a kid who tested off the charts, kept himself busy, often on his own hobbies, and sometimes slacked off on things that were boring to him (in school). We let him be him, and praised him for his outstanding achievements – no matter that he sometimes earned a B and even once a C in high school.

Our second child sometimes had to be incentivized up-front to do things. She was a procrastinator. She would put off things. She needed a figurative “kick in the pants,” a promise of rewards for completing required tasks. She had different talents than our older one. She was an artist, and also a bit of a day-dreamer. She was given plenty of resources – books, paper, scissors, and all kinds of devices to do her art. She often satisfied school requirements by including art in them. Her teachers allowed her to make installations or drawings as part of her book reports.

I’m not saying there’s a simple strategy for parental incentives, even for a given child. There’s always a combination. But you have to learn what works best for your own children and find ways to give them what they need to become better at what they do. And your love for them has to be unconditional.

50

@typiCAmom, I am so guilty of this behavior. If nothing else, lose the negative responses to your child’s accomplishments. Yes, everyone can do better but if your child does a good job, acknowledge it. A lot of us make this mistake and some of us learn it from our parents.

My mother was guilty of highlighting the negative over the positive with me. @3girls3cats is right; I remember my mother’s harsh words, not kind actions (I really don’t remember any compliments). When I received my PSAT score and showed it to my mother, her immediate response was “well, that’s not going to make National Merit Scholar”. So, I thought I did poorly on the exam when I actually did quite well. The sad thing? At 55, years after my mother has passed away, I can still hear her voice telling me I just wasn’t good enough.

Sadly, I am guilty of this same behavior toward my daughter. The only thing I did “better” was I apologized (a lot) to my children immediately afterwards. Nonetheless, my relationship with my daughter suffered and it took quite a few years to rebuild it. While I now acknowledge her achievements positively, the damage has been done and her life history can’t be undone. I cannot unsay the negative responses. I was talking with one of her college buddies and he mentioned her crying jags because maybe she’s not good enough. Ugh.

I’m learning to respond at least neutrally and follow my child’s reaction. If she sees her accomplishment as, well, an accomplishment then I see it as an accomplishment. When my daughter dropped a class late last semester, she was quite nervous about telling me. Friends told me that she made a wise decision. So, of course, I told her she made a wise decision (then I told her I also withdrew from a class my freshman year and related my father’s reaction - something akin to sheer panic - we shared a good chuckle).

Right now, I have a 12 year old son. He’s your typical average middle school student with some mild learning issues. (I loathe to say “disability” because I think kids all have different ways of learning and his way isn’t the norm, so we have to come up with ways that work for him). There is no way he would be taking the SAT right now. He’s a funny, creative, friendly,thoughtful kid and I’ve learned from my daughter (she now actively counsels me on my parenting), he’s fine.

51

^This is so important!
I heard the author Toni Morrison say something in an interview that really stuck with me and I took to heart, she asked if our eyes light up when our child walks in the room. Most of us light up at the thought of our children, but do they know it? She said we are always looking for the things that we need to correct but they need to see us light up when we see them. I tried to incorporate this idea by letting my kids know how special they were to me by saying in words things like, “I’m glad you’re home”, “I like having you here”, “I enjoy spending time with you” accompanied by a hug. It can be very challenging at times, teenagers often take things out on their parents when they are feeling vulnerable and confused by the outside world and that is when they often need our support the most.

52

This is an amazing quote, thanks cellomom2!

How to let your eyes light up…and also (as needed) correct disrespectful speech, make sure homework gets done, be consistent in expecting chores, encourage positive interactions between siblings? I agree with mackinaw that it is a learning process on parents’ part. And, like being a first time parent, just when you think you have adjusted to your young child’s new development stage – it is over, and it’s time to get used to the challenges of a new one.

Happy Mother’s Day, everyone!

53

You’ve gotten a lot of good comments above.

A couple of notes from my experience w/ my 12 and 13 yo.

  1. Read "When Children Become Cats" it's an SFgate article. My husband references it at least once a week. Essentially the idea is that puberty moves a child from the eager to please/happy to be on your lap puppy to a distant jumpy cat with a 1000 yard stare/everyone is a bit suspect because you might try to grab it at any moment.
  2. On the room thing, like others above I am tainted by my own youth. My mother was always on me about my room. My daughter's room is a PIT. We keep the door closed and only expect cleaning on extraordinary occasions like the grandparents coming. It is her space. Totally. And she has to deal with no dirty clothes. I don't think many (healthy) middle school girls will lurk around looking a mess for too long--especially once she likes a boy. You might consider "trading" her the cleaning her room for a different chore like unloading the dishwasher.

Best.

54

We are proud and compliment our children for their effort, character, attitude and persistence. If success comes of it we celebrate with them if not we are disappointed (with them) but still proud. On the whole hard work is rewarded but there are times no matter what the effort things don’t go the way one hopes. That does not take away what one gains from their efforts.

55

We all think we are the best parent in the world. The way we raised our kids was the best and that’s why our kids turned out the way they did. At least, I used to think so. :slight_smile:

One thing I do know is my kids care very much of how I feel about them. They could get rejected by schools, jobs, scholarships, but if I were to let them know that I still loved them and it was ok then they felt better. My kids know when they have messed up, especially now they are older, so they don’t need me to point out the obvious.

OP’s daughter is in middle school, and I can remember when my girls were in middle school, they were tough years. My girls were most insecure in middle school. They were taller than other girls. They wondered if they were pretty enough or smart enough. Sometimes they weren’t invited to “The Party” and there were a lot of tears. I think I praised them around then. I would tell them how pretty they looked, I would see a smile and they would say, “You are only saying that because you are my mom.” Or I would tell them how I enjoyed their dancing the most at their recitals.

It is not easy being a parent. I remember when my kids would tell me what they got on a test, if I said, “Wow, that’s great,” they would say, “I am really upset because I studied so hard and I missed A by X,” or if I said, “I am sorry,” they would say, “What do you mean? It is really good. It is never good enough for you.” I got smart after few of those exchanges, so I started to say, “How do you feel about it?”

56

Thanks everyone for your advice, especially kids’ perspectives are very helpful.

We had a long conversation (20 min) in the car yesterday with my daughter before she got tired of me, but I was still thankful for that. I reiterated how proud and lucky I am to have her as my daughter, how I think she is amazing and I love her just the way she is. I joked that if someone told me there was a switch at birth in the hospital and a real biological daughter - Olympic champion and math genius - I wouldn’t “trade kids” in a million years. I also told her I admire her working hard to get straight A’s even if it is easy for her and how I don’t know if it is easy or not (she sniffed at that and said school is super easy). I tried to explain that my only sadness come from the fact that I don’t see her enjoying life as much as she did when she was 10 or 8. I told her I don’t want her playing tennis if she’s not enjoying it and would gladly pay for her to explore any other sport and/or hobby to see if she likes it. She said maybe kickboxing, so we’ll try that.

Answering some comments here - yes, I think she knows I love her. In fact, ever since she was 2, we had an exchange “I love you, Piglet” - “I know, mom”. Was, and still is, our semi-secret code.

Am I frustrated with her? Yes, at times. When she doesn’t want to sit in the back of the car when her grandpa is feeling nauseated and sick and I offer he sits in the front. When she hits her brother who obviously accidentally falls on her leg. When she won’t help me peel an apple for her brother (something I can’t do myself) because she watches something on you-tube. Do I hide my disappointment and disapproval? Probably not. As I mentioned before, I cut her a lot of slack in many areas, including chores, being rude/ignoring me, I know she is a teenager and it is hard on her being a teenager. I just believe some behaviors have no excuse and supporting them is wrong.

Do I praise my son in front of her? Yes, I praise him a lot since he is a loving and helpful kid most of the time and we try to encourage this behavior. I would praise him carrying the groceries for me, or putting away his shoes, toys, etc. Btw, even though it is too early to tell, he appears to be a lot slower than my daughter in absorbing new information, and is just an average kid academically. It is taking him over a year to learn English, he is not interested in reading at all, not exceptional in any way, and I have no idea what grades he’ll make in school, and frankly I don’t care. He is a happy kid and if he stays happy when he grows up, I’ll be happy for him whatever he accomplishes in life. Going back to the subject, though, we both praised our daughter as a kid just as much if not more than our son because there were a lot more achievements on her end - well-earned and worked for accomplishments.

Not sure if it is relevant, but my daughter likes finer things in life. Both my husband and I drive 10+ year old cars, we rarely shop for new clothes and never designer/expensive things, we have no cable TV, etc., etc. But we do live in a pretty affluent area. Not sure if our neighbors (and my daughter’s classmates’ parents) make more than we do, but many of them definitely spend a lot more than we do. Anyway, the point is that my husband and I are very content with our lifestyle and consider ourselves lucky. Our daughter on another hand is open about how she’d like to ride in a Tesla, live in a bigger nicer house than ours, wear designer clothes, etc., etc. Ever since I heard those thoughts, I’ve been telling her it’s not wrong to want expensive things in life, it’s just wrong to want them for free - i.e. without putting much effort into that. In her case, effort meant studying hard to get into good college in order to get a high-paying job. Even though I also added that “money don’t make up happiness” and I hope she is happy with her career choice and her life overall, whatever it might be, I’m not sure she heard all that. And frankly, I am not sure she would be happy leading the life her parents lead - she is just a different human being who grew up in a totally different environment. Maybe I shouldn’t have said all this, but at that time I thought it’s too early to teach 10-year old contentment when her peers live much richer lives, and yes, I thought it would be a good incentive for her to continue doing well in school even when her classes are so boring. I would be just as happy for my daughter should she become a retail clerk or a successful lawyer, as long as she herself is happy - with her family, her friends, her lifestyle. Again, I don’t think she would be happy leading an “average” life with an “average” salary, or even an “above average” salary my husband and I make, though for her sake I hope I am wrong. Assuming I am right, is it then my job to help her succeed academically and then professionally so that she would have a choice to lead the lifestyle she wants? When I was growing up in a socialist country, kids in school were taught to despise “the rich”. I was still young when my family moved to USA and my parents openly admired self-made millionaires, pointing to their hard work and extra effort/sacrifices made in order to achieve financial success. But maybe that disdain for materialistic things taught in school still sits inside me and I unconsciously resent my daughter wanting “to be rich”. So my encouragement for her to work hard to earn good things - could it be unconscious way to fight unconscious resentment - I honestly don’t know, I think this is truly over-analyzing it. But if I indeed stopped praising my daughter as much in the last couple of years because of such resentments, shame on me and I should be working much harder at rectifying it.

57

Why do you think that she would be happy with " average" when clearly you don’t accept average? You are raising her to accept nothing but the best every time you become frustrated with her for not being the best in academics or sports.

58

Our kids learn a lot by watching how we behave, not as much of what we say.

59

Going upstairs to love on my 12 y/o. D now! HUGs all the way around.

60

@oldfort, words matter a great deal too-as several on this thread have indicated. At least one other poster has mentioned that even after her mother’s death, she recalls the pain inflicted by her saying that she wasn’t good enough when the poster was a child. Hurtful words from a parent can be as damaging as a club. Emotional abuse is a real thing.

I see that the OP says that “if” she resents her daughter, she needs to rectify that. I applaud her for admitting that SHE, the mother, might be part of the problem. It’s about far more than just how mom behaves. Even the OP gets THAT.