@ArtsyKidDad Why would you assume that she isn’t part of my “tribe” as you put it? The person I am taking about is the same race and gender as me. Additionally, we have grown up in the same neighborhood our whole lives and have very similar socioeconomic factors. There isn’t any discrimination happening here. I just think that what she was doing is morally wrong.
I think the OP’s question is legit, and the right course is more nuanced than simply MYOB.
Many schools have an honor code that requires students to report cheating, etc.
The ‘tribe’ one’s in and whether there is personal benefit to the OP should make no difference.
I don’t have a yes/no answer, but I do agree that if OP chooses to report it, it should be to a GC first and not straight to the university. They could even leave out the transgressor’s name: “GC, I know of a situation in our school where someone … , what is the right thing to do?”
And it is, if the schools do not know about her suspension. But, you don’t have all the facts (you only have hearsay and statements from the applicant…which may or may not be true, nor do you know anything of the private communications between the college, HS and/or GC)…so you really don’t know all the parts of the situation, nor should you.
To everyone here who is assuming I was only thinking about reporting her because we are applying to the some of the same schools, you are making unfounded assumptions about my character. We only overlap on one or two schools, and I’m fully aware that telling schools where we are both applying could come across as “snitchy”. I just thought that maybe the schools should know about the incident from an ethical standpoint.
The only reason I started this thread was that her dishonesty struck a nerve with me, not because I’m seeking some “leg up”. I’m sure that other students can empathize with me on the fact that it is frustrating to put in the work and be completely honest on your college applications, when other students are not doing the same. I’m sorry that my post came across in the wrong light.
@OP - I wasn’t assuming anything, I was just curious whether or not it was a factor. Thanks for explaining it.
I think many posters have been suspicious of the rigidity of your position, along the usual “speck in your brother’s eye” line – but maybe you’ve never done anything stupid and irresponsible in your life, and maybe, contrary to many posters’ suggestions, you know everything about the situation at hand.
Still, comparing the girl’s stupid behavior with other things going on in any HS, like bullying, sexual consent issues, etc., this strikes me as a victimless crime, very low of my moral rage list.
The girl was caught and disciplined at the school level by someone in the administration. I find it hard to believe that the guidance department isn’t aware of a student who was given a three day suspension. The OP’s original question was
It would be up to the GC or administration to report this to the colleges, by way of a mid-year or end of year report. I can’t even imagine how this call would go when OP dialed, or how the information would be received by the person answering the phone. With privacy laws, I doubt the admissions staff would even be able to “confirm or deny” the student in question even applied.
What do your parents think about the idea of you reporting this friend’s information to the schools?
The honor code is to report the issue to the school you are attending, not to report to other schools.
Can you imagine the chaos if schools received reports from everyone else on the planet and had to investigate them all, no matter the source? No one would ever get through admissions.
As a practical matter, colleges are unlikely to trust such a notification from what is to them an unknown or unreliable source.
It may be different if the source is a school official like the guidance counselor, or if it is part of something that makes the news (in a reasonably trustworthy media source) that gets noticed.
My first reaction is to say let it go. However, if you’re bound by an onerous school honor code relating to “truth in college apps”, then I think you talk to the HS GC.
“colleges are unlikely to trust such a notification from what is to them an unknown or unreliable source.” Right.
And the issue is NOT that she was disciplined, but the nature of the infraction. Many colleges will accept stupid drinking over, as said, bullying and consent issues, or stealing, cheating, wilful destruction of property, and others. You may find it sad drinking can seem lesser, but it depends on the college.
I don’t understand why you didn’t just bring this up with the GC or an admin. That would validate your sense of right.
@mkms2020 Please ask yourself this question: If it were your own sister (instead of just your classmate), would you still report it?
Wow. How very sad. The honor code IF there is one would be for you to tell the high school she did not put it on her common app not call the college’s. What on earth? That is the part that pushes this from do gooder to back stabber. Sorry girlfriend. LOW LOW LOW.
True story. I had a frenemy in high school. Didn’t like some of the things they did and had some issues similar to what you describe.
More around home work bartering and looking over the shoulder during tests. Etc.
We ended up at the same school. Bothered me. I wasn’t the best behind his back. Tbh.
Freshman year at school. I had a problem with over serving myself and was in a strange place, alone and pretty sick. Believe it or not the person who randomly walked in and found me. You guessed it. Same guy. Picked me up. Helped me get cleaned up. Walked me back a few miles somewhat having to guide me with an arm over my shoulder. I got back safely and got me into the dorm. It could have ended badly. He never brought it up again. Never gave me a hard time and was always a good person the next few years.
Ended up becoming a dentist and spent most of his career in dentistry for low income families. He had grown up very poor himself.
He passed away pretty young. Turns out he had some massive trauma as youth and it caught up to him.
I’ll never forget the kindness he showed me and my lack of kindness and judgement prior.
I would say I understand how you feel, but you never know who may be dealing with things or are actually going to make a difference in your life or someone else’s. I’d leave the judgement aside and give your schoolmate a little bit of break.
And good for you for going about things the right way, it speaks to your good character.
Also moving on from this and letting it go will demonstrate good character. The authorities have already stepped in and let them manage the outcomes.
If you happen to be wrong and call the schools and something does negatively happen. You could be sued. Not worth the aggravation.
Since you have the knowledge of, “She said that her mom told her not to report and that her mother also had a conversation with her guidance counselor,…” Is she aware that you know? Did you hear this when she was talking with someone else, or someone else told you?
How about talking gently with her and not confronting her? “I understand that you are not going to report the incident to schools X, Y and Z. Are you sure about this? Aren’t you required to tell them?” Then you can clear your conscience from the burden of witnessing wrongdoing yet staying silent, and perhaps this might prompt her to reconsider.
Motivations aside, I think all of us can get that it feels unfair to do everything by the book and see those who don’t, apparently get ahead. The harsh truth sadly is that you’re going to see this kind of thing throughout your life.
As a read this, what strikes me is that the person with the infraction got no boost in admissions because of this (didn’t cheat for better grades or make up ECs she didn’t have, for example) nor does she pose a threat to the community (bully). So it does seem that reporting her is simply about knocking her out of the running, not to address any inequity her behavior may have caused. I might question the ethics of doing that without certainty around the facts.
When the kids were little and just starting to tattle, I used to ask every one of them that came to me “Why do you think this is important?” If someone was in physical danger (fire, hitting, etc), tattling was applauded. If the happiness of the group was at risk (sharing, mean talk), we worked on how the kids could work it out and if it needed my help, I provided it. If it was because they wanted to see someone else in trouble, no dice!
I, like you, OP, am fundamentally a rule follower. I don’t mind waiting in a long so long as people don’t cut in, for example. But at some level, you need to decide what is worthy of your policing. Lead your own life ethically. Get involved when you can help someone. Stay out of it when you mean to get someone in trouble.
@gardenstategal. You nailed this. Took me awhile but this person is a literal rule follower. Pretty much like my son. It took us the longest time to get him to not be so anal about it. Sometimes you have to walk across the street in the mid block and not wait till you get to the corner… Lol… Life isn’t perfect. Sometimes you got to go outside your comfort zone.
The OP seems to think that life is just perfect. Well the person made a mistake. But he doesn’t have any real proof regardless what the person told them. Some people will lie to save face also or act cool…
There is going to be a time in his life that he will wish someone would go to bat for him. Maybe a promotion. Maybe that person will have to go outside the lines to help. That person could be this girl. Heh, it happens.
Please read to the end.
No. It’s not wrong to call a spade a spade. This isn’t about, “Well, if it were your friend, wouldn’t you let it go?” Or an amateur purporting to weigh the severity. Or anal. Or putting on your Good Dooby blinders. Or children learning to make peace. What a world, if we all lived this way, thinking “quiet” was always best. Haven’t we learned things in the past 5 years?
Would you be silent about abuse because the alleged perp is your tribe? Or say, “it could be worse?”
If it’s your sister, is it now ok?
Parts of this are why I still rail against our own faulty excuses and assumptions. And fears. (“You could be sued.”)
BUT, the issue is how OP does what he does choose to do.
Some 17 y.o. contacting adcoms, based on “she said,” is not the way.
He goes to his school first. He lets them know of word this gal violated the policy, asks for this to be checked. He may not get past Ferpa, but can raise this with the appropriate local staff.
We could all stand some ethics.