Bingo.
Been reading this thread with interest. I have no personal advice or opinion to offer @conmama, but find the above quote to be the best take on the situation.
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I think it’s interesting, too. The part I am reacting to most is that no one seems like they can be fully honest and that there is a pattern of poor communication.
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Again, JMHO but I would tell younger son that I really don’t want to keep quiet since he is obviously mad, and intends to “use” this against his brother. I would tell him that it really may be a misunderstanding and the best way to resolve it (and get him either payment or the painting back) is to shed light on it. You could even model for him what you would say to older brother and how lightly you would tread. I agree that you don’t want to go behind his back and if he is adamant I might back off, but would be really hard not to try to facilitate peace in this situation since the solution is easy - older pay younger.
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I’d worry that the older son would not feel obligated to keep the painting in the family. If it is a gift, which he thinks it was, then he is free to do with it what he wants. If he bought it (and pays for it), then he can do with it what he wants.
The only way it can remain in the family permanently is if younger son still owns it and it is merely on loan to the older son. That doesn’t seem to be anyone’s view of the transaction (it was either a gift or should have been a purchase).
I think ownership should be sorted out sooner rather than later. Older son’s girlfriend may think it is theirs. A future wife might think it is theirs and subject to division with martial property.
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Believe me, this is not what one would consider something to inherit or fight for in a separation! I did tell younger son he should mention to his brother if he ever doesn’t want it anymore, then he’d like it back.
Something funny re: Carolyn Hax, and especially relevant to College Confidential.
I read her a lot too, and usually like her advice. So…I was really surprised when I saw her name as a Facebook participant on my younger son’s college parent’s Facebook page. At first I thought I must have misread but nope – there she was! I think she responded with a thumbs up or similar emoji – not with an actual post. But it was still odd to see worlds “colliding” like that.
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The 21-year-old telling the parents in no uncertain terms to back off would also wake up the parents. Or practice medium chill.
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My hope is that someday the painter will have a great art show arranged, giving him the opportunity to ask the brother if he’d like to buy it (and have it displayed with “Sold” label) or return it to be displayed as For Sale.
Sound like you did and are doing the right and correct thing! Asking for clarification and keeping your words.
I suspect younger son will be annoyed but it will fade. He can ask for older brother to pay him if he wants, they are adults.
And by keeping your word, younger son knows that you can be trusted.
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Thank you! Their trust is very important!