I know it is his decision, but he is really unsure and I don’t know how to advise him. He began at a very good college but felt ambivalent about it and began the transfer process. But as the spring semester continued, he found that he had a made a home at his college. It is lacking in some areas for him, but he has friends and a community now.
He was surprised to get into a significantly more competitive college that does have many more of the things he wants in a college, but he now has many friends and is involved in many activities at the first college, and he’s happy. He is extremely divided and it’s coming down to the wire.
I’m trying to stay out of it and let him decide, but what would most people say? Is transferring a tough experience? Should he give it up now that he’s found he’s happy at the first college? He’s concerned he’d regret not taking the other college offer.
If he’s happy and there is no significant shortcoming at the current school he should stay. You never know what you’ll get at the new place. May be better or worse.
When my D was in that position, basically it boiled down to: do you feel like you really NEED to transfer? Because transferring is hard; starting over is hard.
She did decide that she was miserable at the school she was at, and that there were basic conditions that even the perks she was getting were never going to balance. So she transferred. Had it been just because the other school was “better” I would have not encouraged it. Because again, transferring is hard.
What defines “significantly more competitive”? Is it Harvard vs local U or is it 20 ranks on the USNWR list? That can be very subjective.
I would assist him in making a pro/con list, focusing on the academic side. Does the transfer school offer more or higher level courses in his major? Does it offer more or better research or internship opportunities? Is his chosen field one in which prestige of the undergrad school matters? Is he looking at grad school?
The cons are obvious - he has friends and activities he likes and will have to start over at the new school and will be going into a place where friend groups have been established. But if there are certain activities he really likes and opportunity is there at the new school, he should do fine.
Since he is happy socially I assume these shortcomings are academic? Can you be more specific about these shortcomings because perhaps they aren’t really that bad.
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Originally his current school did not feel like it really fit him socially and that it did not have enough musical activities and programs (he’s a serious musician) but then he did make close friends and did find groups, not musical, that made him feel connected to the community. He’s thriving academically.
His admission to the transfer school was a big surprise. It definitely has more music and more people that are into that sort of thing.
I think, though, it’s very hard for him to turn down the transfer school as it is a leap in so-called prestige though his current school is good too.
It could be in the long run that he’s happier at the school with more “artsy” people but right now it seems very hard and maybe no point and risky to leave the place he has become happy
He both wants and doesn’t want to talk about it with me but he’s really conflicted
Sounds like the transfer school will be better ultimately due to the music. I’d remind him how he felt about his current school when he started the transfer process initially and how he did find his place socially and that if he transfers he’ll eventually find his place there too with the added bonus of all the music offerings. I’m sure the social transition will be much easier and quicker due to the music activities.
Why leave a school now that he’s started to find himself there socially and is thriving academically? I don’t think many students find an immediate social fit. It takes a while to meet people and explore what the school and surroundings has to offer.
You mention musical activities and programs…is he a Music major, or is this more of an extracurricular interest? I’m assuming that he’s not given the general discussion around the schools. College is a time where people should seek to branch out. It shouldn’t be alarming that he has found interests other than music.
Agree. He has already achieved what many do not. Transferring is hard and the grass is not always greener on the other side. Don’t get caught up in rankings - it seems your son has found “his” place.
Thank you all very much. I didn’t say the names of the schools just out of confidentially concerns. It has been an agonizing two weeks with my son struggling until the last five minutes with the decision. In the end, he decided to stay at the school where he has come to feel very happy at with many friends and has thrived academically. His school is a good respected school But there is a huge “rankings” and prestige gap between it and the school he might have transferred to.
I know it shouldn’t be, but the decision still feels a little hard to stomach, for him and for me. People quite often say that he should have simply transferred because the other school is much more prestigious. But he couldn’t press the button on leaving a place he had started to feel like is home.
I am trying to put it behind me and so is he, but when people ask about the the choice, I can’t help but feeling I made a mistake and guided him the wrong way.
It is hard when there is no clear-cut correct answer but there is no reason to second guess yourself or your S. Stop looking behind to the road not taken and embrace the path where he is already thriving.
Yes, put it behind you. Not exactly the same thing, but one of our kids was accepted to a prestigious school as an incoming freshman. We could not afford it. She ended up attending a good, but MUCH less prestigious OOS flagship.
It was a sore subject for some time. I felt bad about it. She felt bad about it. I realized that part of the reason we felt bad was we had made the assumption that the prestigious school was “better” and in our minds, imagined she would have had a “better” experience there.
We have no way of knowing that, now do we? It’s unlikely we would’ve imagined a scenario at the prestigious school where it was much worse, she hated her classes, didn’t make good friends, wilted under the pressure, etc.
So, if it helps, remind yourself there is no guarantee the “better” school would have resulted in a “better” experience & “better” opportunities for your son. In fact, the transfer could have been worse. There’s no way to know!
OP- hugs. Parenting is hard. I"m sure your son will put this behind him and have a terrific year.
I have been (more or less) happily married for almost 40 years. Could I have found a more attractive spouse? Maybe. Someone with more money? Possibly. Someone with a better sense of humor, nicer in-laws, a genetic profile free of awful diseases to pass on to my kids? Maybe, maybe, maybe.
But that doesn’t alter the reality that I’ve been happily married for almost 40 years for someone who is (most of the time) better than I deserve.
If he picked the other school you would be experiencing the same “mom worry” until he settled in there and made friends. It was probably a little exciting thinking he would be doing something new, so now the current school seems same ol’ same ol’. And from your friend’s responses, the idea of saying he was going to “xyz prestigious U” was sorta appealing too.
But you have what some never attain - a happy kid at college with friends - that’s fantastic. Either way, there were going to be emotions. FOMO is a strong one. You may wonder about this for a long time but eventually you will find peace with it.