Just a question that’s been on my mind for a while, especially as I’ve spent more time on cc. Not meant to cause any uproar (I don’t think it will) , just want to read other people’s opinions on this topic!
On cc I’ve mistaken countless parents for applicants after seeing them post “rejected” or “accepted” on college discussions - not “My S was accepted!”, or something of the sort. I’ve seen posts by parents that were uploaded so quickly after the decision time, that I couldn’t help but wonder whether the parent had checked the applicant’s decision for them.
A little anecdote: When I was applying to boarding schools a few years ago, I came home to my dad who had already opened one of my letters. He gave me the opened envelope and was like “you didn’t get in”. He did the same for the ones I was accepted to. I was equally furious under both circumstances. On the contrary, for my SAT scores, I would always ask my mom to check my results for me, and tell me if I’d reached my “goal” or not. Then I would proceed to check the actual quantitative score myself.
- Do you personally think it's okay for parents to have free access to sign in and out of their child's admissions portals and check their admissions decision without their child's permission?
- Do you think it's the right thing for parents to do this, even with their child's permission? (So for example, your child doesn't ask you to check, but you ask if you can check for them and they agree)
- Do you think it's weird (lol sorry for lack of a better word) for parents to be so engaged? For example I'm certain my parents do not know my SAT/GPA/ECAs by heart. Even though they are looking for me to go to a "top school", they don't have all my stats on the tips of their tongues. After seeing some of the parents on cc, I've sometimes wished my parents were more engaged, but I've equally sometimes been appreciative of their comparative "lack" of involvement.
What do you as parents think?
My son has made sure I know none of his passwords to his portals, and even changed his email password. He is 18 years old and has a very strong sense of independence, and wants to control the flow of information to us. Not that he doesn’t tell us his results, but he gets to check them on his own time and let us know when he decides to. I find that very frustrating, but on the other hand I think it’s age-appropriate for us to not be so much in his business anymore. He may be on the very restrictive end of the spectrum, but he’s probably got the right idea.
Yeah, no way have I ever known son’s Pws. It was great when one college sent an envelope with CONGRATS on the outside. I knew it would be a great choice for him.
My D is a first generation college student and she has asked me to stand by her every step of the way. I have learned a LOT!
When I check the PO Box in the morning and there is an envelope, I text her. She usually calls me at lunch and asks me to open it. I would never open it without her asking.
As far as portals - any time decisions have come we check together - her choice, not mine. She did ask me to log in to all her portals after FAFSA and CSS were done and make sure all her stuff was in – she is an IB Diploma Student and pretty swamped lately.
So yes, I am engaged – VERY engaged – and enjoying every bit of it, BUT, if she asked me to back away and let her do it by herself, I would accept that. I might get a little teary, but I would accept it.
I personally feel very sorry for kids that are left to navigate this whole process by themselves.
Open the letter, oh no way!
But I won’t say that I’ve never held one up to a bright light…
My parents are in the middle of the spectrum I would say.
@tell3more, everything for us kind of feels out of control right now… we’ve got anonymous admissions officers, sometimes across the world, deciding what could be our fate for the next for years - so I think a lot of us, like your son, try to take absolute control of what little we currently can!
My mom “holds my hand” whenever I need her to: like your daughter, @DebraOfUSVI, I’ll give my mom my login information to check on the status of my app whenever I feel like it’s necessary. When there’s a letter in the mail, she’ll leave it in my room, and when I get home we’ll open it together. My mom, however, iisn’t one of those moms who’ll randomly check my portal to see if there are any changes without my asking - I personally find it strange when parents do this without asking their kid. Like to me a parent refreshing the portal waiting for the decision is quite odd.
Not for me to check. If asked to open a letter or check a portal I would, but this is his business.
Thirty plus years ago, my mom brought the mail to me at school for me to open on decision day. She didn’t open my mail either. She was dying to know, however, and thought the thick envelope brought good news.
I would never open a letter without asking. I knew the pws for College Board and the ACT but didn’t check unless they asked me too. My kids were both so different! One summer my S was at a festival for the summer and his AP scores came when he was away, I asked him if he wanted me to either open them and tell him results or send them to him. He said no, he would just get them when he was home. When my D was a HS jr. I got out of the shower one morning to find that she had texted me numerous times, each entry with increasing sounding urgency, more caps, more exclamation points, the gist of which were could I please check her ACT scores on line because she had heard the results were available. She continued to text and I got about 3 more texts before I could even send my first one back letting her know I had just gotten out of the shower and was on my way downstairs to check!
Parents should not open their children’s decisions. Part of the process of growing up is facing up to disappointment that is not cushioned by a parent seeing a denial first and saying something to soften the blow before the child has seen it.
Nope. And this year I had to wait a couple of days for my kid to open an envelope. Drove me nuts. But it was her mail.
Yes, I tried to hold it up to s light…and I would ahve steamed it open, but it was in one of those new sticky peel off seal envelopes…and you can’t steam those open.
I had to be patient…which is not my strong suit!
My kids do their own checking. Both older and younger D’s have asked me to open something for them, but more common is having me bring the letter to school when picking up or just waiting until they got home. When my younger applies to college next year, she’ll be the one obsessively checking, so I won’t need to worry about it!
Don’t open my D’s mail, email, anything. I don’t even know where to go to view scores, portal, whatever. I do stay involved and make sure she’s on top of it. We haven’t been one to check the website (like i’ve seen in other posts) every 2 minutes wondering “what is this change? does your portal look like this? What do you think this postcard means?” She checks it every couple of days or so to make sure everything is still in order or if the school needs something sent. Her thinking is that when the decision is posted, its posted. Nothing is going to change that. If the school doesn’t accept her, then there is a reason for it and she will not appeal to force them to take her. She knows that she can get a good education at any school that will take her and make the best of it. All decisions come out by April 1st so she will check it periodically by then.
Am I anxious? Heck yeah! I’m going to have to foot the bill 
“Yes, I tried to hold it up to s light…and I would ahve steamed it open, but it was in one of those new sticky peel off seal envelopes…and you can’t steam those open.”
Hahaha @thumper1. That’s too funny! Thanks for giving me the chuckle of the day!
:))
I have to convince my DS to check his portals and I don’t have the password to any of them. If I left it up to him, weeks would go by before he would check them. And he opens his own snail mail.
D wanted me to open most of her stuff. The big fat envelope from her favorite school I special delivered to baseball practice so she could open it. SAT scores she asked me to check days after they came out. DS is the same way. I hand him the stuff and what he’s really interested in he’ll open and what he’s not he’ll hand back for me to open. We did a separate email for all college stuff that I had access to which helped Mr. Swamped ADHD Executive Function Boy to track and navigate things. He was juggling a school schedule split between the HS and CC along with multiple performance groups and wasn’t able to keep on top of everything. His process had a lot of stages and multiple deadlines. D runs her life perfectly well on her own now and S runs most of his perfectly well too, so please no “they’ll never grow up” comments. As an IB diploma kid with a crazy senior year she was just too busy to put it on the front burner.
It’s a federal offense to open someone else’s mail, including your own kid’s. My parents drilled that into me. My husband didn’t get that memo and has overstepped a couple of times (although it was a financial aid packet, not an offer of acceptance). I don’t have my kid’s login info. We had a recent mini control standoff where a college she was no longer interested in had rolling decisions and she refused to check for about a week. Does that put me in the middle? Basically, I think the kid gets control of this, but it’s okay for parents to ask them to hurry up and open something / check a portal.
I think this depends on the student, and should not be done without the student knowing or granting permission. Some students want the assistance and/or don’t care if their parents peek at their portals. Others are more independent.
S1 has no choice since he has struggled academically and we are paying. D1 want us to open everything (including mail) and gives us the passwords to her portals etc. D2 will not be as open as her older sister. She will not let us open her mail.
DS set up a special e-mail just for college and gave me the password. He also asked me to check the decision portals when he is not home and text him the info. I actual wish he would get more excited. No way would he ever let me check his SAT or any other test scores before him.
