Awww, thanks @sharpenedpencil.
I thought it was very kind of Carnegie Mellon to put in large plaid letters “THE FAT LETTER” on the outside of the letter. And I have been known to hold skinny envelopes up to the light. But in theory absolutely kid’s mail. I’d never ever open it. By the time my younger son was applying all the decisions came electronically first. I never had passwords for any of it.
I would think it’s selfish for a parent to check an admissions decision before their child! Yes I have all the passwords and go in periodically later or looking for info,mouth Id never sign in before my son. Ever.
My D is probably one of the few students who prefer to wait for snail mail decisions v. the use of portals. She wanted me to be her assistant and open/screen her mail. I did it until she started receiving decisions and scholarship info. I accidentally opened a piece of mail thinking that it was junk and it was a scholarship. I now allow her to open everything. She never checked her Washu portal and only found out she was WL after she received the letter in the mail days after the decision was released.
Most of D’s decisions came by mail, which I retrieved from the mailbox before she got home. I don’t think she would have cared if I’d opened them, but I felt it was her right and privilege to do the opening. Besides, the size of the envelope was usually a giveaway - and the warming lamp on my son’s terrarium is very bright! 
She did have one school that posted decisions online. Her password was on a sticky on her computer, and I desperately wanted to take a peek, but I was afraid there might be some fireworks thingy that would only go off the first time, so I restrained myself. (Turned out there was a fireworks thingy!)
I have good friends who this is the second kid going to college. His brother was a great students but rather ADD with the college stuff. You can hear the chopper blades from his mom. At first his bro would not let his mom access anything. Then it was October and he still had not done his essay or much of anything else. Had no clue what his social security number was or if he needed financial aid. So mom had the passwords, checked his SAT scores. He never did. However he would not allow access to his email so when he would get emails asking for information or records, he would forward them to his mom but it would be a week later or more. Half the portals he never even created an account. She did not check his decisions
For my friend she said she had learned from her mistake, she insisted that they create an email and used that on the Common App so that she and he could check whether anything was needed in real time. Plus my friend was really overwhelmed this year so it really helped even if he hates how she hovers. Still they fight less than she and brother did because with brother she was constantly nagging him to check this or that
Bottom line not every kid is interested in this process. As I have heard from my parents, since they are paying (whatever aid does not), they have an interest in this decision and if I miss a deadline or do not present myself as well as I could (so no merit aid) then they will have to make up the shortfall. Therefore they want to access so they can make sure I am doing everything I can in this.
My older son did not care that I set up his undergrad e-mail when he was in school. I always had the password, which was a good thing. I could if he had enough money on his account so he could eat and do laundry. The younger son was a different story. He did not want to give me access. I had to ask his older brother to explain that if I did not have access to the financials, I did not pay. Immediately, I got the password. I guess the kid likes to eat.
I have checked SAT scores but only admissions results if asked. I did text a picture of a big envelope. I do not have nor would I want access to a college student’s email or college portal. I can access the parent bill-pay portal which is completely separate from peoplesoft. Their bank accounts are completely theirs, I don’t put any money in to them so that’s their business.
While technically, our son was still a minor when he started college, we have tried to let him take as much responsibility as possible. To me, there are two questions here. One, should parents snoop into their children’s college information (the boarding school thing is different) and Two, should parents be allowed.
The first part is really no. Parents should not snoop, but they should try to build a good enough relationship that the children want to share. The children also need to live with the consequences of missed deadlines, etc. as it is their life, good or bad.
The second part is really ‘it depends’. If the parents are taking financial responsibility (which due to our flawed system, we seem to be forced to do so despite the children most often being ‘adults’) they should have full access to information relevant to their financial responsibility. I would recommend that schools have a parent portal that shares most of the pertinent data with the parents directly rather than having the kids’ passwords.
One of the beauties of our decision to let our kids be responsible for their own college…we don’t have these issues. He can share what he wants and he gets the highs and lows of responsibility. We are always here as loving advisers, but he is an adult and handles himself accordingly.
I wish colleges would send less crap. S got a big but fairly thin mailer yesterday from the state directional that is mom made him apply to. He is already admitted and has received a scholarship letter but no larger FA yet. He has no interest in attending on only apply because a boy needs options. He opens none of their mail. Thinking it was FA I opened it and it was another sales pitch letter and brochure about all the natural wonders near the school and associated outdoor programs. It seemed like a dumb waste of money for a state directional but also a dumb waste of a teen’s finite attention to keep sending stuff that isn’t really important. I guess some kid (or mom) will open it and be thrilled that they can get all those things locally and cheaply instead of at that lousy school that rejected you or is too expensive. Still, it’s a bit Harry Potter-like with the letters.
@SaphireNY “I have good friends who this is the second kid going to college. His brother was a great students but rather ADD with the college stuff. You can hear the chopper blades from his mom. At first his bro would not let his mom access anything. Then it was October and he still had not done his essay or much of anything else. Had no clue what his social security number was or if he needed financial aid. So mom had the passwords, checked his SAT scores. He never did. However he would not allow access to his email so when he would get emails asking for information or records, he would forward them to his mom but it would be a week later or more. Half the portals he never even created an account. She did not check his decisions”
Sounds to me like he wasn’t ready for (or even that interested in) college.
I am very involved in the college search process with D. We (yes, we !) have a spreadsheet listing each school she has applied to, various points of info, and portal passwords. The only thing D asked is that I do not open any decisions, which I readily agreed to. Unfortunately, the early-write letter from Smith College was totally unexpected (we had never heard of early-write) and it was in a thin white envelope. I assumed it was financial aid information so I opened it. I sealed it back into another envelope and gave it to her lol; she didn’t really notice because she too thought it was irrelevant to a decision. I won’t make that mistake again!
Same here. I am the secretarial staff at the moment. Some kids want help keeping track of everything and some do not.
FWIW, for her entertainment, my D logs into CC AS ME to read what I have written.
“Mom, what’s your password again?”
This doesn’t count as opening letters, but my D knew her decision was going to be online at X time and she explicitly asked the family to keep her company before and when it came in.
It depends on D’s mood. Sometimes she asks me to check online for her. Sometimes she tells me to go away and wants to be all alone when she checks.
For snail mail, I don’t like opening letters. One time I texted her that a letter had come and she had to text-nag me into opening it for her.
I had one kid who just couldn’t check her online decision. I had to do it. She was in a different part of the house, fortunately it was the desired response.
@Torveaux “the boarding school thing is different”
I personally think, and know many others would agree, that the application process to competitive boarding schools (think Andover/Exeter/Choate), is almost analogous to the college application process. From testing and recommendations, to essay writing and anxiously waiting for decision dates. At the time it was as big a deal as college is for me now! But I do know that in reality college is 10,000x more significant.
Boarding school is different because the applicants are just 13-15 years old. The application process is a big deal, admittedly, and decisions anxiously awaited as well, but parents simply have to be more involved. These are 8th and 9th graders applying – and it’s a big financial commitment with less aid available.
@cnp55 At ages 13-15 of course parents will more involved/in control of the application. I’m not against parent involvement, I think it’s wonderful to have a strong support system. It’s not just wonderful, it’s necessary. No kid should have to deal with application stuff alone - for both boarding school apps and college apps.
But financial commitment or not, I think waiting a couple hours for the applicant to arrive home to open his/her acceptance/rejection letter does not detract from the parent’s “involvement” at all. It’s the student going to school, not the parent. Opening the letter is quite the “moment” for applicants to all places. After putting so much effort into your application, it’s quite anticlimactic for someone to just casually say “oh by the way, you didn’t get in”.
Although some may see it as trivial, I didn’t get to have that moment for any of my boarding school applications, which I personally think sucks!
It is not a “moment” for everyone for all schools. Nobody is advocating opening their kids’ stuff if the kid cares or not waiting for them to get home from soccer practice. Many kids don’t care and/or want help keeping track of stuff. My kid had his moments with the school that was his first choice and he had no interest in all the safeties and in-state back ups. I wasn’t just going to leave those envelopes unopened. He still has stuff trickling in and it’s. “yeah, whatever” because he is set with his choice. He will do his housing roommate profile and rank and enter his first year seminar choices on his own. I paid the admissions and housing deposit and filled out the housing contract after he officially declared his desire to attend the school that had been first choice. In no way was I stealing his thunder by accessing his portal to pay the deposits.