Should parents be allowed to check their child's admissions decision for them?

Parents Forum
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@‌saintfan
What I meant by “all places” was applicants to both boarding schools and colleges. I agree some college acceptances are less important to the applicant than others, but PERSONALLY I would still like to be the one who opens my decisions! Although I do have a top choices for colleges, I’m excited for all of my decisions and do care about each of their outcomes. And unlike your son, in my boarding school case, the first time my dad did that, unfortunately it was for my top choice school!

I live with my mom only now, so she’s the one who’s been holding my hand throughout the college process. Although she does help me out, she only does so when I ask her. Otherwise she doesn’t keep track of my things for me, unless I demonstrate a need to be helped (btw I do have quite severe ADD and am still learning to manage it with help). If my “housing deposit” or “housing contract” needed to be filled out, she’d expect me to say “mommy could you log into my portal and fill this out, I can’t do it myself”.In terms of forms, the only instance she’d fill it out for me is if it’s urgent and I am unavailable to do it, or if I, as a 17-18 year old, cannot fill out myself. If I wanted her to simply check up on something for me (like a decision, test scores, etc. ), she’d be happy to do it, but again I’d have to ask.

“I wasn’t just going to leave those envelopes unopened. He still has stuff trickling in and it’s. “yeah, whatever” because he is set with his choice.”

I think at this age we should be encouraged to demonstrate a certain amount of responsibility, including following up on the status of our own applications. Although my dad did open my letters, it wasn’t because he was chasing up the things I hadn’t done myself, it was simply because it didn’t cross his mind that it was important to me to open my letters myself, despite me reiterating to him that this was my top choice. I do admit though I never told him not to open my letter for me, which is my fault (I will use the excuse that I was 14).

Furthermore if my mom had logged into my portal to pay my deposits (without my asking), how could I be mad? She was simply parenting, I can’t blame her for “stealing my thunder” over something like that! But I would be upset if she was actively waiting for my decisions and opened them without me!

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My son demonstrates plenty of responsibility in all the other areas of his life that he’s juggling right now. Check back when you have teens of your own, but in the mean time “Is this the hill I want to die on?” is my mantra.

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@saintfan thanks for your responses, I don’t think I’ll add anything further because this discussion seems to be going in the wrong direction… I didn’t mean to “stir the pot” as I said in my original post, but now I’m getting the feeling that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m sure your son is very responsible, and did not mean my comments as an attack on his character in any shape or form. As you’ve said above, as a teenager without kids, I’m in no position to make comments on responsibility. I am far from “perfectly responsible” and still have plenty to learn.

Thank you for your comments everyone, it was interesting reading other people’s thoughts and opinions!

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I picked up the mail on my way in today and there was a FA package from Western Podunk State U. I opened it! It made ME happy because the bottom line was way more than his first choice OOS private (where I already paid the deposit) He is officially NOT attending Western Podunk State U. now and we can all sleep a little easier. :smiley:

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My mother opened one of my college decision letters, some excuse like wanting to know if I’d be disappointed. All these decades later, I still wonder how she had the gumption. For another, she called the school- leaving me uncertain I was really accepted, until the letter came. No fair, right.

But my own D1, a TMI kid, gave me her FB password in hs, so I could look at pix of events. (I had to tell her when the time came to go private.) When the college decisions came, I wouldn’t have opened them, unless she asked. It should be the kid’s moment. But she learned about most of them through her own email or was home when the snail came.

Finaid and bills? My domain. I’m not even interested in arguing that. I had both school system passwords for that purpose only. My kids didn’t want to be involved; frankly, at that point, they didn’t understand it and wanted me to manage it. We should know our kids, talk this out and come to a mutual agreement.

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I think it’s vital to respect the child’s wishes. Ask if he or she wants you to open envelopes, log into portals, etc., and then do as they ask. My husband and I have certainly held an envelope up to the window (and told the recipient about it later) but we don’t open anything we haven’t been asked to open.

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Exhibit A in the argument of why it isn’t such a bad idea to have a parent helping with secretarial duties and portal management:

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1753118-help-good-any-sats-scores-did-not-get-submitted-to-ucs.html#latest

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@fizzy110 Been there done that. I was in too big of a hurry to elaborate at the time. I meant that parents of kids going to boarding schools should absolutely be involved and I have no problem with them opening the mail. Personally, we wanted to let him have the excitement, but with something like that there would be no secrecy or really even an expectation of privacy as he was only 13.

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Opening college decisions for my kids? Never. This is for them to do, whether good or bad news.

I do have the pw for the FA portal though and agree with @lookingforward. This is also where Ds school puts the 1098T form to download and print for tax purposes. We don’t get a paper copy of this in the mail.

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This was my kids’ moment - not mine. Never had any passwords, never opened any letters.

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On passwords - in our house pwds are all written down and we know where they are. If the worst happens and one of us passes away kind of thing. It’s honor system that snooping without permission is not practised.

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So I recently found the spare mail key…
:stuck_out_tongue: