How important is it to help your child find a college that reflects your (the parent’s) values or is in a community that reflects those values? I know of parents who select Christian colleges because those reflect their values. There also are some anecdotes of students who tried an out-of-state college but bounced back home because they felt out of place in an environment with different values. Now, we’re faced with this decision too. Only, with the twist that the state in which our family lives is one where the normative values are out of line with our own. For example, our children continually are the only ones who speak up in school when their public school biology teacher says he doesn’t believe in evolution or their U.S. government teacher repeats a factual untruth about current government leaders.
Although there are some decent schools in our state and it would be cheaper to go that route, I cannot help but feel strongly that I’d like them to try a different state and environment – one at least more closely aligned to what we experienced when we grew up (and before we moved here and stayed well beyond our initial plans). My husband says that if they go the route I’m advocating, then we won’t see them as often and will experience that loss. Has anyone else dealt with this issue in the college hunt process?
We experienced exactly what you’re describing as our son pursued service academies “over our dead bodies.” In our case, we didn’t care about the location, but we certainly did care about values, and the service academies were never on our list. But, he was 18 when appointments went out so there wasn’t a thing we could do about it… He made a good match for himself, though, and he does not regret his decision even though his parents have had a lot to learn and have let go of a lot of pre/misconceptions we held about the military.
As far as experiencing the loss of your child leaving home, that’s an inevitable part of becoming a healthy adult. College is a natural time and one of the smoothest ways to make that transition, IMO. In our case, our son left home at 14 for boarding school more than 2,500 miles from home. We missed a lot. He missed nothing. He was a very independent teenager and is now a very confident adult.
In any case, how do your children feel about this? Have you discussed it with them? Given the household they were raised in and the predisposition your examples convey, they seemed primed to lean toward what you want. But, you seem to be struggling with two issues–leaving your home state (going “away”) and attending a college that aligns with your values. The first will happen eventually, so let that one go. The second is not a valid goal, IMO. You’ve modeled your values in your home all of your children’s lives; your work there is done. Good job. Now, let them explore many different colleges and find the ones that feel like home to them. Chance are, they will not choose as extremely as our son did, but this is the time for them to explore their values and craft their world views which do not need to exactly align with your own.
Another thing to look into is whether college student or college professors also don’t believe in Evolution, for example. HS teachers often come from the state they work in, but College professors don’t.
So if you look at your State U, I bet there will people more open to facts.
If you look at a small Christian college, there would be less of a chance.
I think what really matters is how your child feels about it. It sounds like your children may have strong feelings about the topic. I know my husband couldn’t wait to get away from his “home” state, and ended up at a college and grad school that were closer to where his parents were from originally (geographically, politically, and socially). He was happy with his decision, and visited them on breaks and has a good relationship with them now.
Thank you! YChoatieMom and bopper, your advice is very helpful. You’re right about having instilled values that should carry our children forward and about the professors. We are friends with professors from local universities, and they share our values. I just can’t shake the feeling that our kids might gain something from being immersed in a culture where they can be part of the majority, rather than always the cultural/political minority.
Unless I misunderstood your first post, it sounds like your children have the same values you do? In that case the question is about finding a place which jibes with your childen’s values (rather than yours, they just happen to coincide in this instance) which I think is absolutely right to do. Seeing them less often is something that might happen anyway; ultimately they need to find a place they fit, imo.
I think there’s a difference between ideology which might not align with your personal beliefs (men and women should not engage in sexual activity before marriage) and things that don’t belong in an institution of higher learning (Adam and Eve walked among the dinosaurs; measles vaccines cause autism; hurricanes are a sign that god is angry about gay marriage).
I would not have wanted my kids studying science at an institution whose professors were outside the mainstream of scientific inquiry, or studying art at an institution which did not allow the study of nudes (even historic, important ones), or studying political science at an institution which believes that elections are won or lost depending on which candidate god is backing.
The other stuff-- you can’t wear beards, men and women can’t visit each other in their dorms after 8 pm, or whatnot? That’s for my kids to figure out.
Leaving home for far away? Get used to it!!! Just when you think your kid has settled down in a great job in a city near you with a wonderful life and terrific friends- you get the phone call “I’m being promoted! And city XYZ is only a 5 hour flight away from you!”
What are you going to do- tell them “no, you can’t take the job of a lifetime?” So whether you deal with it next year or a few years later- at some point, they’ll be out there living their lives and you’ll get to pat yourself on the back for having given them roots and wings.
And on the point of sending your kid to a values based institution as an insurance policy that your kid will maintain your religious practice into adulthood? Boy, I could tell you stories! There are gay students at fundamentalist colleges, there are young women getting abortions at strict “no physical contact until marriage” colleges, there are kids with substance issues at colleges where even coffee is banned. Religious based instruction at the college level has many attractive elements- but if you think you can “pray away the gay”, there’s lots of evidence suggesting that this is false, and HIGHLY damaging to the young people in question. I don’t know of any published studies- but talk to MD’s who work in college towns or near religious institutions and they can tell you what they see- STD’s, unplanned pregnancies, kids who have taken “purity vows” who don’t understand the basic mechanics of how their bodies work.
You’ll figure it out- it’s great that you are grappling with this now.
We’ve lived all over the country but we are currently in the most racist, homophobic, and provincial place I’ve ever experienced. My kid wants OUT, and I don’t blame him.
We knew going in he’d likely end up far away and we were right. He’s going to school 14 hrs away. We may be moving a little closer to him, but it’s still going to be at least 8 hours. We are going to miss him desperately, especially the little brother!!
Offer input but finding a school that is the best fit… and what that “fit” means… is up to the student. For exmaple, you may think diversity and inclusion is paramount. But your child, while still having that in the back of their head, is most concerned with affordability and curriculum. It’s their choice.
Make sure that you have a good handle on cost and affordability issues before encouraging your kids to choose what are likely to be more expensive options.
That is a really tough question. I live near two small, pretty conservative church-affiliates schools who get students from all over the nation who belong to that church. Why? Because that’s what the family values. I went to high school in an area with a large modern Mennonite population. Most went to the same college in Indiana. Why? Values. Is there anything wrong with that? No, as long as the kid is on board, and many are. But if you’re putting these restrictions on your kids because you feel them resisting the family values and want to keep them from straying, you are probably setting yourself up for some serious heartbreak. You can’t keep children on a path you’ve chosen for them if they don’t want to stay.
We were a follow the money family, prioritizing no debt over intangibles. Both kids attended colleges that were probably way more conservative than they were (but the area is pretty red, too). However, they had teachers from all over the country/world and were exposed to new ideas, too. After graduation, each moved away and landed in more left-leaning places. I don’t think the colleges themselves held them back at all in terms of idea development or exposure.
Don’t discount larger universities. Most have a diverse population where you will always find a group of like-minded peers, regardless of where you live or what your beliefs are.
So we have a friend that was a prof in a public college in Idaho that had a lot of Mormons and very conservative population. He said the college faculty and staff were not conservative at all in general. He taught evolution, etc. Prof jobs are very competitive and if you want to work in academia sometimes you just have to go to where the jobs are even if it’s not in a trendy, liberal urban area.
I think most kids have the ability to bloom where they land. I wouldn’t assume the colleges in a red state won’t lean liberal, especially publics.
Getting to hem and haw about this really is a luxury for the more well to do. Run those NPC’s, have a financial safety, see what kind of merit and FA might be available to your student and let the chips fall where the may. In general, I think for most families paying 2-3X the amount for an undergrad degree to be in a particular area isn’t worth it. If you can easily afford it, carry on. Taking out loans, leaving a student with substantial debt upon graduation, or endangering retirement set up can be life limiting for both parents and students.
“Values” is one of many variables that goes into formulating a list of colleges to apply to. And just as parents and children may disagree on the relative importance of geography, school size, etc, they may have different ideas on where values of schools fits in. But aside from financial restrictions, the child’s ranking of those variables and the resulting school list is really all that should matter IMO. The are essentially adults (usually 17yo) and making decisions about their adult life. Attaching the purse strings to other variables like values would be manipulative. You can hope that the values you’ve taught have taken root, just like you can hope they remember to chew with their mouth shut, but its ultimately their life and their choice(s).
These are all great points, and I appreciate people sharing their own experiences. It is heartening to hear similar stories of the kids landing on their feet and eventually finding their own cities/communities/values - regardless of where they went to college.
We only want what’s best for our kids, but I sometimes find myself apologizing to them for choosing to raise them where we have raised them because they have seen how different our family is value priorities than many of their peers’ families. (On one positive note, my daughter attended a regional summer arts camp that attracted many students who are being raised in conservative, religious households and who haven’t felt comfortable letting their parents know of their divergent political beliefs or their LGBTQ status. And my daughter told her friends about how accepting we are, and then she’d call me up from the camp so they could talk with me too. She said they loved being able to talk to a parent who was open-minded and with whom they could be themselves).
Once they are off on their own, they need to find their own values shaped by you and your family but with the open mindedness to explore various viewpoints and lifestyles which they find comfortable or not. Fit is so important to the college experience that varies by child. Some kids would be very happy at a school they is highly activist and others would not. Some kids want to retain a feel based on what “values” they grew up with. Some chose a religious college for this reason. Others flock to a school which is avidly and diametrically opposed.
As an adult, I have found many people who think they are openminded to be very closed minded and I have found many people who hold opinions which are vastly different from my own to be open to other ideas. College is about learning that there are many people in the world who are very different than you. It’s about learning to discuss ideas in an open forum. Or, at least idealistically that’s what happens.
My kids are very different. I wouldn’t send them to a school which they didn’t chose even if I liked the schools values or bent. I would tell them pros and cons of their choices. But I wouldn’t make the decision at all.
Kids are already ready to get out on their own by college. I would guess you can find people who are like-minded even at the smallest colleges. Most kids follow their parents ideology and thinking to a large degree. But they have to find their own path.
I agree with others who say that large universities often have a wide variety of view points and may feel different from your local high school. I do also think that assuming the parent can afford it there is a lot of value in exploring a different part of the country. I wanted my kids to go where it was right for them and I trusted that they would keep their basic values. My older son had a few college choices, but wherever he had gone, I think he would ultimately have ended up on the opposite coast from us in Silcon Valley. Younger so went to a notoriously liberal college - after trying out some foreign policy oriented NGOs, he decided to go to Officer Candidate School and join the Navy. We were completely blindsided by that one! (Waving at @ChoatieMom !)