@widgetmidget, I am with you in that I too got lucky with going to Stanford on an amazing FA package with no debt. Unlike you, I channeled our donations to orphanages in my home country since I though the need was greater there, but it was a personal choice. My husband and I are by no means rich, either, and I feel we’ve been responsible by funding substantial 529’s for our kids. With some additional sacrifices, we can still afford to send our daughter to an elite school with no FA. But she wants to go to grad school. Even knowing quite well what immeasurable opportunities elite schools provide in terms of networking, alumni services, etc, I still wonder if it would be better to save as much of that 529 for her grad school as possible.
I make an annual gift to Penn, too, to show my gratitude, although it’s just a drop in the bucket in the context of their insanely successful fundraising machine. I also support a program they have to help women over 30 get their bachelor’s degrees. Even though I did have to take some loans, until Reagan eliminated the NDSL program they were very reasonable, and Penn’s FA package was by far the most generous of any school I’d applied to. (I sometimes wonder now if there were some schools I was competitive for that would have left me with no debt, but as I said, this was back in the Stone Age, and long before CC existed!)
We contribute to a number of nonprofits, including several that support poor children overseas, and we adopted our younger son out of an orphanage. We all have different priorities, and there’s no perfect way to parent, but I’ll never understand educated people bringing children into this world and then not being willing to help them get an education.
And please don’t get me wrong. I believe Penn made a huge difference in my career and life, too, but not being able to provide that for my own children will not destine them to servitude. There are worse things than having to attend a second-tier school you can afford. (Like not being able to afford college at all.) And my kids are solidly middle-class. It’s the poor kids who stand to benefit the most from an elite education.
@LucieTheLakie, thank you for adopting your son! I know you did it for you and not just for him, but I surely wish there were more people like you in the world. I know first-hand an international adoption can cost as much as a year in college, which makes it even more commendable! I wish more colleges recognized that and created special need-blind scholarships for internationally adopted kids!
Thanks, @typiCAmom. He actually is waiting to hear if he was accepted at a trade school that’s his “dream school” and which bases their admissions, to a great extent, on family income. Fortunately for us (ha!), we had a bad year last year financially, but we’re still hardly poor. We’re really hoping they’ll take his early life into consideration as they weigh his application because it’s really in keeping with the spirit of the school founder’s original intent.
@LucieTheLakie, best of luck to him and hope you get a generous FA package! I don’t know whether many people realize that trade schools can lead to some great careers, especially if they culminate in small business. But even if it stays “just a regular job”, he can still have a comfortable and happy life. I don’t know how old was your son when you adopted him and whether he can remember his “life before,” compare it to what he has now and appreciate everything he now has, I hope he can. And when I picture him next to kids who need therapy because they can’t get into the Ivy of their choice or can’t go because their parents can’t afford the Ivy, I know who the real winner in this rate race is 
@typiCAmom, he was just turning five when we got him home, but globally delayed and appearing (even to our pediatrician) to be about 18 months. He has no recollection of his life in Russia, and he has a terrible memory in general about a lot of things. He’s got plenty of issues, believe me, but he’s a survivor, so we’re generally optimistic about his future (on our good days!).
The school is FREE if you get admitted because it was founded by a Quaker in the 19th century to help poor boys. That’s why need is the main criterion–it’s in the school’s charter. And once you’re in, you’re in. (They don’t make you prove need after that.) As long as you obey the rules (and there are MANY). But we (and he) feel it would be great opportunity for him. It’s a three-year program because they teach you about running your own business in addition to the specific trade. Their grads do VERY well in our area.
DHs parents, who were college graduates themselves, told him that he was on his own for college. As a 17-year-old in the dark ages, he saw no reason to put forth the effort and therefore did not go. As you can imagine, this has had a profound effect on his subsequent life. As he has watched our children go through the process and attend college, I can see the sadness he feels in his lost opportunities. Not paying for college was never an option in our household. I think he would’ve worked at a McDonald’s to make it happen.
@LucieTheLakie, very happy for him and for you. Holding my fingers for his admission - can’t imagine there are many kids more deserving than your son to get this opportunity and more families more deserving of free tuition than yours - hoping this school agrees!
I know it is the Parents’ forum…I just wanted to put my 2 cents in…
On day one of my high school year my Dad told me not to worry about paying for college and concentrate on studies, learning for life, getting good grades, and getting into a decent school…
Four years have gone by and it is D day…I did not dream Ivy, but got into a top school with full ride…also got into my top choice instate school with 25K in Scholarships/ yr and with 20K baggage/ yr…My Dad is adamant he would pay to get me into my top choice…
He always said his parents made all the sacrifices to send him to the top school and that is the duty of every parent…Even though I agree with his thought process…I am saying No to him and me and plan to go to my full ride school and succeed and make him proud…
Having said that I honestly think it is every parent’s duty to enable their kids to dream big and support them to realize those dreams in every step ,whether the kid is gifted or otherwise…
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what kind of educational attainment does your $175,000/yr employee have?
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The gentleman has a HS diploma (I think he did take some CC classes ages ago).
He is a very interesting character - some of the financial decisions that he makes really make me scratch my head - but that’s his business and none of mine.
@furrydog, that’s really interesting. He probably thinks if he could pull himself up by the proverbial bootstraps, his kid should be able to too.
Our philosophy is “pay it forward.” DH and I were lucky enough to have parents who paid for our college educations. and thus allowed us to graduate debt free (after that grad school was covered through TAships). Having started our careers with that financial leg up, and having only one child, we’ve always assumed it was our responsibility to save enough for him to go to college so he could graduate debt free, as we did. That didn’t stop us from being realistic and pursing merit funding, however, with the idea that anything unused could be applied just as well to grad school. But we fully recognize that our educational opportunities and those of our son are the exception rather than the rule. So while I personally feel a responsibility to shoulder the cost of college for our son, I would like to see much more government funding of higher education (and yes, I know that means higher taxes, which I would support) so many more students could graduate debt free.
I think an important question is, should parents pay for an elite or name-brand school when there are other, very good, perhaps as good, perhaps in ways better, schools a child could go to for much less money.
A good rule of thumb is, if parents are paying tens of thousands of dollars each year, the kid can take out $27,000 in Stafford loans over 4 years. It’s a reason to graduate in 4 years rather than 6, it takes some of the burden off the parents (especially those who are income-rich and asset-poor - no FA but not nearly as close to the 1% as most full-pay families), and it’s an early experience in helping others help you.
If a student earns good grades at a school where the COA isn’t covered by Stafford loans and an average (read: 20-30K) parental contribution, he/she should be able to pay back $27,000 without forgoing meals or a roof to sleep under. If the job prospects after graduation won’t allow that, maybe a gender studies degree is a better investment at the state flagship than at Cornell.
On an unrelated point, we Americans are all but alone in the world in believing $40,000 is a normal price tag for a wedding.
I wonder if this issue different by culture? It seems like in Asian families, specially recent immigrant parents will pretty much do anything they can to provide the best education they can for their kid, even if it means significant sacrifices. My neighbors are Asian and they lead a very frugal life, but are sending two kids to private schools “full pay”. I asked the Dad once and he said, his Dad did it for him, so he wants to do it for his kids, even if it means a lot of pain.
He made it sound that it would be very hard for Asian parents to say “No, can’t afford that without significant pain, go elsewhere” to their kids. Is that true?
I am hoping between grandparents 529 funds, merit scholarships, grants, son working, our contribution and if needed $19 K in federal subsidized loans if needed (definitely not doing the unsubsidized) that it will work out. Son knows if he loses merit scholarship that amount is on him.
Yes. If the parents can afford it then I think they should help pay for college. It may mean the student attends a state college that is less expensive but a college degree means your child will have a door opened that may not be opened without a college degree (especially in this job market) There are students that would do better in a trade or in some other field but for most jobs, a college degree is an essential.
Our kids took their federal loans (~$25-30k over 4 years) and paid for any non-billed expenses (except travel home for holidays, etc.) We basically paid what remained of their billable expenses. All three went to schools that met (or almost met) 100% need. We paid almost nothing for the first - we were in a very bad financial place in those years. For #2 we paid about 1/4 of the full price tag, and for #3 we’re paying about 1/3.
Basically, we’re sharing the load. They all went to the best school, with the best aid, that they got into. From there, they did their share and we did ours. We took no parent loans for #1, some (which are now paid off) for #2, and more than we would like for #3. We think of it as an average and figure in the long run the sacrifice has been worth it.
There was never a question of their taking more than 4 years to graduate or of us paying any part of grad school, so it’s been doable.
“Should you pay for your child’s college education?”
- This is very strange question. You should pay if you want and you should not pay if you do not want.
Should I buy a new car? - I buy if I want and I do not buy if I do not want.
Good luck to your child for trying to pay anything themselves…unless they get some nice scholarships it’ll be a rougher ride than ever before!