How did you decide who pays for college and to what extent?

Parents Forum
1

<p>My husband and I were discussing various approaches to paying for college and whose responsibility it is. His parents paid his entire way, with no financial aid, for him and his other 5 siblings, mostly at private colleges in the '90s. Though he worked part-time for pocket money and then off-campus living expenses, money for college tuition, room & board was never a concern that he had to deal with. It was just one of those things that his parents had decided to do long ago and put aside money for.</p>

<p>My parents, on the other hand, contributed $0 to my education though I had a small trust from my grandparents that was pretty much immediately sucked dry. (And it was not because they are EFC=0. They have enough assets that they could have afforded to contribute something, but they didn't think it was their obligation) I had to constantly deal with financial aid nightmares, negotiate for more money with FA office, and racked up student loans. However, I recognize that it was MY education and my choice of college, and I chose not to attend a cheaper state school like my brother did.</p>

<p>I brought up the question of how we would do things with our future children... Would we pay their entire way a college of their choice, no matter how much it costs? Would we limit their college choices based on how much we can pay? Would each child get the same pre-set amount and we'd let them decide how money factors into their college decisions? Would we allow them to go into tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt if that's what they chose? Would we make them shoulder the entire responsibility for paying for college?</p>

<p>So I'm wondering... How did you decide who pays for college and what amount was acceptable? Would you say no to your child's "dream school" if it was financially unfeasible or should they be given every opportunity available to them no matter what? Do you think footing the bill is the parents' or student's obligation? Do you think who pays has an effect on how much the student values his education?</p>

2

<p>As parents, I think we have to do what works for us financially. We also have to base each child on a case by case basis. I have a son that attends a State U and he is happy and content there. But I have another who wanted to go private. My kids would never say well since you are only paying XX for me and XXXX for brother, can I have an extra $300 a month. If I have it my way, H and I will pay for each child’s college and then any post college education will be on their own. Do kids value their education more if they pay for it? Again, it is case by case. I have one kid who appreciates everything he is given and another with huge entitlement issues. And as far as a “dream” school, it’s not a dream if you can’t afford it.</p>

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<p>Good question, and I bet you’ll get a lot of answers. Our situation was a little different. My mother had saved a little money, which she gave me for college, with the stipulation that when it was gone, it was gone. I went to a private school instead of the state flagship because my stats put in in line for some huge scholarships. Between those, the Pell, and the SEOG (yup, I was low-income, first generation), I covered my educaiton with no loans. </p>

<p>Dh’s family didn’t have any money to give. Their EFC was probably 0, but dh didn’t have great stats. He had to go where they’d take him and have some support services for him. At the beginning, I felt like I’d married a student loan.</p>

<p>Today, dh would be quite comfortable telling the kids they were on their own. I think we should support them to the extent that we are able. I keep telling dh that they need to be self supporting so they don’t move back in with us! I also remember how hard it was to pay back all dh’s loans and I’d like to help the kids avoid that scenario. I handle the family budget, so I decided we would start college funds. So there, I guess that’s how “we” decided - the decision is made by she who handles the family finances!</p>

<p>However, the amount of money I have saved is finite, and it’s taken a real beating in the recent markets. The kids are free to choose whatever school they want, but when the money’s gone, it’s gone. I tell them it’s entirely up to them how much debt they want to assume.</p>

4

<p>Racheljps: you’ll find that families that are in similar financial situations have much different answers depending on their values. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer just what works for your family.</p>

<p>I think the most important thing, no matter what the decision is, is to be honest with the kids early in their high school career. Its heartbreaking in April of each year to see/hear kids who assumed their parents would pay for their dream school and then find out they won’t. Or can’t.</p>

<p>Early on, we knew that we wouldn’t be able to pay our full EFC; I just went back to work full time in 2008 so the formula assumed we’d had years at that level to save. Um no :wink: So we calculated and did some research and told D1 that we would pay up to full cost at our local state flagship. She’d be responsible for anything above that. We also told her that we wouldn’t cosign for loans if she had full ride/significant scholarships to schools; I don’t like the idea of unneeded debt given the current economic situation. We knew she was in line for some significant merit aid since she was a National Merit Finalist and it all worked out well. </p>

<p>We’'ll probably tell D2 something similar but the wrinkle will be that if I stay with my current employer I’ll be eligible for some tuition reimbursement for her. Her options will probably be a little more open than D1 but we’ll still keep that state flagship COA as our cap for what we can pay. If it’s $1,000-$5,000 more we could still work with that, but if it’s more than $10,000 more, we’d have to be the Blue Meanies and say no.</p>

5

<p>Agree with others…you will get a huge variety of answers. What is MOST important (in my opinion) is not what others have done, but what works for your family.</p>

<p>In our family, we (the parents) paid for tuition/room/board/fees for undergrad school only and ONLY for four years. Kids knew this going in and both graduated in four years. Kids paid for all discretionary spending, books, school supplies and clothes. Kids had to maintain the GPA required for continuation of their merit aid (3.0). They both attended private universities and the merit aid they received helped a lot. Both knew that if they lost the aid, they would need to have a really good explanation OR they would be transferring to a less expensive school.</p>

<p>Like the OP…DH’s family fully funded the schooling of 6 kids. My family contributed nada. BUT I have to say…my schooling was a pittance of a cost compared to the cost of attending college now. I was very able to work to pay the difference between my financial aid and the cost of attendance. Even at a state school (ours runs about $22K per year for total cost of attendance), I think it’s not possible for kids to easily work their way through college attending a four year residential college. They could do this attending a community college…living at home.</p>

<p>When DH and I got married and when we had our kids, we made a commitment to fund their college educations for four years…and we did it. Grad school is on their dime.</p>

6

<p>My parents paid for my entire education, my husband’s family for most of his, so we’ve always assumed we’d pay for at least undergrad education if it was feasible. It has been feasible, but only because we both inherited some money that will largely be used to fund their educations. The oldest is not interested in grad school - and I hope the younger son will work for a year or two before he decides whether he needs grad school. (Very likely.) We haven’t decided whether or not we’ll pay for it, but likely not.</p>

7

<p>H’s parents paid the full cost of his and his 3 siblings educations. The parents put 4 kids thru private college and 2 kids thru grad school, and paid off all the kids student loans.</p>

<p>My parents paid for my tuition, room, board and books, but my dad told me I’d have to pay back my own student loans because he thought I’d appreciate my education more if I had to pay for part of it. I made the loan payments for 5 years until my son was born (prematurely and with some illnesses) and H and I decided I should be a full-time mom. My parents then offered to take over paying my student loans to help us out financially.</p>

<p>H and I have said we will pay for our kids tuition, room, board, books and we’ll pay back their student loans. They pay their own “fun” money (including Greek dues and S paid most of his own travel expenses when he studied abroad). H’s parents have been buying savings bonds for the kids and sending them to us on a regular basis since the kids were born. We will cash in every single bond to help pay for college, whether his parents like it or not. In the end, our kids will get out of college “even” - they won’t have to pay any debts, but they won’t have a nest egg of savings or bonds. We figure that makes them better off than 90% of the kids in this country. They can start with a clean slate, and at that point it will be up to them how their finances turn out.</p>

<p>S’s college costs $15k more per year than D’s, but they’re each at the school that is right for them. (They’re both private colleges, too). We haven’t discussed the difference much, other than for me to say I’m more likely to pay for grad school for D because her college is so much cheaper. Also, S has a major that he could get a job in right away (HOPEFULLY, if the economy improves) and go for a grad degree at night. With D’s major/chosen profession (if she sticks with it) she won’t be able to work without a grad degree. </p>

<p>I do think it’s a matter of values. Our house is smaller than most of D’s friends, our cars are older, and we don’t take cruises or go to fabulous resorts. But we saved enough money to pay for almost 3/4 years of S’s college and almost 90% of D’s college, and the rest will come out of a home equity loan. The cost of college was one reason H and I decided to only have 2 kids, because we planned to pay for their education.</p>

8

<p>Our S starts school this fall. It is his dream school, and we wouldn’t have it any other way as long as we can pay for it. No grants or big scholarships. He is a good student, but the college he chose requires you to be EXCELLENT to receive any scholarship money. That means we pay for it 100%. It is a bigger university, not private, and will be about $17K. He will take out a student loan (the max is not much in comparison to the total…) and we will pay the rest. He will repay his own student loans. We did not have a big savings, and like a previous poster, our EFC didn’t really reflect our entire lives so in our opinion is not at all accurate. We can, however, afford to pay or part comfortably through Plus loans. </p>

<p>He has considered medical school. After his undergraduate degree, he will pay the rest. However, for those professions, there are special student loans and forgiveness programs according to your employment to help out.</p>

<p>Our D should be fortunate enough to receive a Girls scholarship offered through her high school. It was money left by a family. It is a full ride as long as she goes in state, is single, a non smoker, etc. (A few stipulations). We will also pay for her undergraduate degree the same way. If additional funds are needed, she will get a student loan first, then we’ll do the rest. </p>

<p>I agree that there is no right or wrong answer and it will differ with each family. Financial circumastances are constantly changing and it could even be different from year to year.</p>

9

<p>We stayed flexible, never discussed anything. D. ended up with Merit $$ at every school and we did not have to pay tuition for UG and portion of R&B was also covered. So, I have decided to support her thru Med. School, since she saved us ton of $$ by working so hard and getting Merits at UG. None of us (D. included) see any reason to spend lots of $$ on UG anyway. She works, but it is her pocket $$. No other dependents.</p>

10

<p>When the kids were babies we budgeted for college under the assumption we’d pay for tuition and R&B at our state flagship. Then we realized our kids aren’t the type who could thrive at a Mega-U. That’s when we devised following approach for our kids:
1st money is any scholarship or merit aid the kid earns
2nd money is unsub Staffords
3rd money is 529/other education savings
4th money is parental cash flow/out of pocket </p>

<p>With our first kid, his scholarship is paying 90% of his education. Because of that we didn’t have the heart to make him take out Staffords. So we’ll pay the remaining 10% out of pocket. </p>

<p>Since Son won’t need his 529, we will transfer it to Daughter when she needs it. Hopefully that will reduce or eliminate her need for loans. </p>

<p>For us, everything seems to be turning out OK. But we learned a valuable lesson: What you THINK is right in infancy may or may not be right 17 years later.</p>

11

<p>Frankly it took some marital negotiating. My family paid for my undergraduate education at a private school. I did not even have to work for pocket change. My husband worked and paid his way through a directional public school. We did go back and forth during our oldest child’s sophomore and junior year. We had saved more than we needed (at that time) for retirement but had located college monies in a separate account. We finally agreed that we would pay equal to the cost of our local flagship (which is not an inexpensive flagship) and anything over that the kids would have to take Staffords or earn and keep 4 year merit awards. We would have absolutely no problem saying “no” to a fiscally irresponsible college choice…goodness knows the kids have heard the word “no” enough since they were born.</p>

12

<p>Wife and I did this, for our only child:
Looked at our income our budget, decided how much we could/would chip in. We consider money for college a gift, not an obligation.
When we had a figure, we told S, and then he sought colleges. Welcome to go to any school that accepted him. If our gift paid it, ok, if not, then he’d have to seek funding for any balance due. We didn’t wait until he’d picked schools.
We felt

  1. if he invested some $ he’d take school more seriously. He did.
  2. our gift wasn’t dependent on what school he choose. We weren’t going to offer 10k for school A but 15k for school B (an example).</p>

<p>We have chipped in a little extra here and there, but he wasn’t expecting that when he made his choice.</p>

13

<p>You could only be expected to do what is in your heart and in your savings. If you feel that you are doing your best to help see your children through than nobody not even your children will see that as anything but your best. Kids know when their parents are doing their best and when they make choices to vacation or do house renovations instead of sending them to college on their dime. You can find some of those threads right here on CC and personally I think many kids will forever feel like their parents let them down by placing limits on where they could attend if they know their parents really had the money to send them to the school of their choice. </p>

<p>I think every kid is different and if you have a kid that needs to be at a particular type of University to realize his or her full potential than that kid should not need to settle. If money is an issue than the kid would get aid. If the kid does not get aid than it means that the parents had the income or assets and they should have considered the fact that they might have a kid that will not have his/her needs met at a lesser school.</p>

14

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<p>The idea of a “dream school” is, quite frankly, a scam. It’s an idea that is kept alive by private colleges because it is in their financial best interest. It’s also used by parents and students to justify taking out burdensome loans as it is human nature to justify our actions.</p>

<p>If not preparing for ones own financial future or, even worse, saddling ones child with huge amounts of debt before they are old enough to truly understand the consequences is the cost of the “dream school”, then that price is far too high.</p>

<p>There are hundreds upon hundreds of colleges in the US, there are always other options.</p>

<p>We did what our parents did before us. We looked at our financial picture and came up with an amount we could afford. We told our son that anything beyond that would have to be made up with scholarships or grants as we would not co-sign for loans. He begins college in September at a school he is very excited about and that offered him a full tuition scholarship.</p>

15

<p>I’m on the other side of the equation; I’m a rising senior, but I thought I’d put in my perspective on this. I started freaking out about college costs somewhere around December my junior year, when my senior friends were pushing out their college essays and I began researching in earnest (not just from the prestige and intended-major perspective, but also the financial perspective).</p>

<p>For the longest time, my parents (wonderful as they are) wouldn’t talk to me about the paying-for-college part. They’d just say “Oh, study hard and you’ll find a way to pay” which I think is due to their college experiences: they were educated outside of the US and received scholarships to attend for free.</p>

<p>I highly encourage any parents out there to talk to your kids early about the financial considerations of paying for colleges. Some kids (like me) need information to feel calmer. If they don’t have it they’ll prepare for the worst and stress accordingly. Some kids will end up falling in love with schools that are too expensive, and it’s hard to instill practicality and realism later on in the process. Ideally, you’d want your kids to start investigating colleges with costs in mind (later on in the process, at least).</p>

<p>But we ended up discussing it a few months back and finalized everything a month ago: my parents will pay for the equivalent of five years at a state university (they’ve heard horror stories about people graduating late because required courses fill up so quickly; it’s pretty crowded at state universities right now). Should I choose to attend a more expensive college, I will pay for any extra tuition and room & board costs. I am of course providing my own pocket money and doing the grad-school thing by myself. I expected nothing less.</p>

<p>(The caveat is that if I choose a college they absolutely hate, which for them is a college that they feel has undeserved prestige and has little to no solid reputation in my major of choice…then I pay it entirely on my own. I’m trying to avoid this scenario. It looks pretty avoidable.)</p>

<p>I imagine their considerations involved the following: a small college fund (although hit hard by the economy); we’re reasonably affluent to the extent that they can afford my education (although it’ll be a stretch, of course, because college is just ridiculously expensive like that); I have a younger sibling; we have a huge aversion to debt but also believe in a certain measure of self-sufficiency and responsibility; my parents believe very strongly that education is a gift you give to your children. They have similar philosophies about education, which is good.</p>

<p>About the dream school: if it was financially infeasible, I personally think it’d be irresponsible for all parties involved to attempt to pay for it, no matter what. The well-being of my parents is a huge concern. Ultimately, I consider it my responsibility to support them too in their retirement, if necessary; there’s also the huge stress and pressure it would place on the kid and the parents, and perhaps the resentment or worry any any following siblings might experience.</p>

<p>There are plenty of good schools out there. Life is what you make of it. I’ve heard a study quoted that said the people who get into Ivies end up doing similarly well in life, never mind if they actually attend or not.</p>

16

<p>(^^ Greekfire - good input)</p>

<p>OP - There are a lot of unknowns for you at this point so I think it’s best to take a practical approach and not over-think it yet although it’s good to consider it. Even if you have a philosophy at this point of not paying at all, paying only for CC -> State, paying only for State, paying only xx, paying for full price expensive private, etc., that’s all likely to change by the time you consider your actual kids and exactly where they’re at in life at that point as well as where your finances are at that point. Maybe the kid worked very hard in HS and is eager to go to a top school and maybe you’re financially able to cover it without breaking the bank in which case you’ll likely lean towards one end of the spectrum (i.e. paying for an expensive college) but maybe your kid was somewhat of slacker, but still able to get into a non-top but expensive private U, and maybe this kid is disrespectful to you, doesn’t follow your reasonable rules, has an entitlement mentality, and is involved in heavy partying and maybe drinking/drugs. For that kid you might lean towards the other end of the spectrum - i.e. not pay for any college at all. </p>

<p>You also don’t know how many kids you’ll have, what challenges they might face, what costs you might have associated with them, what expenses you might have due to other issues (parents of you/spouse, illnesses, etc.), bankruptcies, job losses, job gains (maybe one of you will become a highly paid exec), etc. This all changes the playing field.</p>

<p>Given the variability in what’s likely to happen once your kids are to that point the prudent thing to do is to do some reasonable planning on paying for college, whether it’s a top state school in your state or a private, and start saving accordingly. You might end up using it as your college budget, using it as a base and adding to it with currently earned income or loans, or not using it at all. You won’t really know until you get to that point.</p>

17

<p>Greekfire, You are very mature for your age and your general good attitude will serve you well through out your life.</p>

18

<p>I agree with pugmadkate. Greekfire, you sound wise beyond your years. Best of luck to you.</p>

19

<p>USCD-UCLA----You sum it up best. A parent just does not know until the time comes. For instance if your child is really not a passionate learner would you spend 50,000 plus to send your child to a private U if the state flagship has a more than sufficient program of study? Most parents when looking at the options would probably go with the flagship but what happens when a parent has a child who is obviously gifted and has already excelled beyond the level that he/she could be stretched at a state school…should that student attend the state school? Take the student who gains admittance to MIT, Harvard, Cornell etc… should that student with great stats, SATs, research, and wonderful ECs be attending a school with kids who are happy to just be in college. I am looking at the super achievers not the student who worked really hard through highschool and did well. There is no way of knowing what you would do for your child if that situation presented itself. There are many parents who fail to realize that there are many kids that fit into the category that I just mentioned and as a result there are parents who would go to the end of the earth to ensure that their child was attending the “dream school”. That phrase has elicited a very negative reaction in many…and some see it as an elitist attitude that only the wealthy describe, which is just not the case at all. Since the economy has taken a hit, it almost seems to be in vogue to have a negative reaction to the expensive top schools. My question is how could a student who has achieved such a high level be happy at a school that will not match his/her intelligence? If that sounds elitest than you are not realizing that there are schools for everyone and there is a reason that these schools have existed and thrived for so long. As a parent of kids who are completely different, I could assure you that my sons at MIT and Cornell could not have possibly had the same experience at a mid range school just as my daughter could not have attended MIT or Cornell. </p>

<p>When young parents are saving for the future education of their children they need to do their best in providing enough money to send their kids to the appropriate place. For most kids the state schools are a great option but there are kids who may need more either on the end of special resources or exceptional academic facilities. There are kids who just don’t fall into the middle of the road and their needs must be addressed. </p>

<p>I think it is time to understand what the phrase “dream school” really means to the non elitest…it simply is a way of describing the best place for your child to be successful.</p>

20

<p>I wanted and still want to pay for my children’s undergrad costs whereever they may want to go. However, just the way things have panned out, it is not possible. I am very fortunate to have kids who are pragmatic in the sense that they understand that affordability is an issue and do not feel that it is their right to go whereever they choose and are accepted. </p>

<p>I teared up when my current college son, without a second thought, just pitched the acceptances from the top costing schools that did not offer any merit money. He did not give it a second thought. In contrast, his close friend who went to school with him for a number of years was accepted to one the same colleges, also did not get any merit money, but wanted to go in the worst way. That put the pressure on the family. Of course, the parents wanted their son to go where he wanted to go the most, and the school is a very fine pick, just very expensive. They ended up scraping up the funds for him to go there, and it has put an enormous financial strain on the family. It’s also caused stress and bitterness as they really cannot afford to send the young man there. The mother last year tried to get the young man to transfer to a SUNY where he had also been accepted, and it turned into a pretty ugly scene. The young man truly feels entitled to go there. It should not have come to that, but it did, and the same could have happened in our family. </p>

<p>So, as a parent, you should not stoke the expectations of your children. I, as well as my above mentioned friend, sang the song of our kids going whereever they want to go. Of course, when the time came, her son took her up on the long standing offer, and it really was not fair to pull the rug out from under him. </p>

<p>In my day, my son’s reaction was typical. You just threw out the offers that you could not afford. I did the same, without a thought. But I also knew that my parents were not able to afford those schools. Today, many kids have no idea what their parents can afford. They live in neighborhoods, go to schools where their peers are considering the most expensive private schools on a boarding basis, so they figure that is the norm. That their parents have also encouraged this way of thought makes this sense of entitlement even stronger.</p>

<p>We don’t know what our financial circumstance will be when the time comes for our kids to go to college while these kids are still in the earlier stages of their schooling. To encourage achievement is certainly a thing to do, but to leave out the financial aspect of colleges is leaving a huge hole in which you can fall later. You don’t want to create expectations and entitlements that are going to be dashed. You could hurt your kids that way, and in doing so, hurt yourself. </p>

<p>Even though my son did not give those schools he discarded due to no discount in their high costs, another thought, I, his mom, did. Yeah, it hurt. Even though it didn’t hurt him and he was entirely focused on his other choices, I hurt that he could not consider some fine schools that really were good fits for him because I could not afford to pay for them. I would have been hurt even more, had he shining eyed wanted to go to one of those schools. I may well have capitulated as my friend did, and ended up stretching things to a danger point. Even though we planned these costs carefully, I am having a hard time making these college payments. When his school increased the costs by 4% last year, and my son’s outside scholarship ended, the additional cost really hurt. When he had to come home unexpectedly for medical reasons, those plane tickets hurt. I am scared about his senior year when we are going to have two in college. And it hurts me that I have cost constraints for this next one. I know where he would ideally like to go to school, and its full cost is not affordable. He understands this as well, and is looking at alternatives and working to pay as much of his cost as he could.</p>