<p>When I was in college, one of the girls on my hall had 3 sisters. Those girls were always picking and bickering and at issue was who got what from the parents. The parents seemed to go out of their way to be fair and shared all the info with them, and it was still not a happy situation. Each got the same amount for college, and would get the excess as a graduation gift. The same with weddings, vacation, even Christmas gifts. I remember thinking it odd then. </p>
<p>But I remember it not making the girls any happier, as well.</p>
<p>^^good point. You really can’t win the fairness battle if the kids are keeping score. And if you can’t win, decide how you will treat each, and walk away from the fight.</p>
<p>We attempted to pay FAFSA EFC for each kid.
However with the oldest, our EFC was significantly lower than it was for her sister who applied to colleges eight years later.</p>
<p>Oldest was a freshman in 2001. Her dads’ job was directly affected by 9/11 and our income went down the next pay period.
It was difficult to come up with the EFC ( this was a school that met full need), so we needed her to contribute her summer earnings toward the EFC ( although many schools expect that any way.)</p>
<p>Now our EFC is almost double. Our income hasn’t quite doubled, but we have one fewer person living at home, & no children. Not having a child under 14 any longer, seems to have affected it the most.</p>
<p>My two girls’ had totally different college and high school choices and costs. D1 went to an expensive private high school but ultimately decided to stay local and commute for college because she had always wanted to teach and connections are all, so it made sense. D2 chose a public high school IB program and then a more expensive out of state public which was more expensive, but it is the only program in her field in the country. She had spent four years working and interning, so we felt it was important that she have that major available, she is now looking at grad schools in the field. We tried to even things up a bit by purchasing a brand new, safe car for D1 to drive to her job and student teaching. Over the 8years of high school and college I believe we have accomplished fairness.</p>
<p>In all fairness the money needs to be halfed equally. If it doesn’t make sense to give it to D2 for college then a makeup gift after college is derserved. EG a house down payment. Sit down with D2,do the math and settle on an amount to be paid at a later date. If the education of D1 leaves the family broke then consider that D2 has a valid complaint.</p>
<p>What was the intent when the college search was on for the oldest child? </p>
<p>At that point, younger child would have been what? a frosh or soph? Too young to really know if she’d be a strong college student. Was the intent that if she shined, you’d pay full freight for her, too? Or was that never going to be possible.</p>
<p>My gut tells me that your D knows that you’re quite impressed by S’s accomplishments and aren’t impressed by hers…hence her need to for you to flatter her by spending as much money. </p>
<p>BTW…depending on your income, when D goes to college, will S’s school give you aid for HIM?</p>
<p>Child number 2 can demand all she wants. The reality is she is trying to bully you. YOU, the parents, are giving her the gift of a college education.</p>
<p>Now, having said THAT, I really don’t think it’s right to compare and pit one sibling’s academic performance against the other. For all you know, your daughter will excel in college. If you have reasons for having to limit money spent, that is certainly something you can do.</p>
<p>How about this idea? Set a minimum GPA (sort of like YOU are giving your child two a merit award). Make it CLEAR that she must maintain that GPA to continue to get your support for an expensive college. If she doesn’t, then she will have to enroll at a local commuter school and prove herself. I would suggest a 3.0 average.</p>
<p>I’d ask the OP to rewrite the question (even just for herself and not for CC). Imagine you are your second daughter. Force yourself not to give her a bratty tone of entitlement (I’m sure that wasn’t your intent) but give her a tone you yourself might take if you felt hurt about a choice your parent was making-- or if you were fighting for your own opportunity. Ask the question in that way and then answer yourself. Is it fair? You’ll know.</p>
<p>Yes, my gut is also saying that this is not just about the money. I wonder if this has been building up for a long time with the younger kid, and this is how it is coming out. I do hear a tone of “it is only worth paying full freight for a really good student” in the original post. Is that the message you mean to send? Because I think that is what you D is hearing, and (more importantly), feeling.</p>
<p>I should add to this to say that my parents paid a lot of money for my oldest sibling (boy) to go to an OOS public. It was a big skiing & party school, and he had a blast for 4 years. According to my dad, he blew a lot of the college budget because costs went up so much in the 4 years he was there. Then next kid, brother #2, was allowed to apply for Stanford because he was a good student (this was not info shared with me, literally kept secret – found out years later after sibling died). So apparently my parents would have found the money for him to attend Stanford. He didn’t get in, so went to excellent in state public. I was youngest and only girl, was told I could only apply to the in-state public (“no money” was the excuse given, but I now am pretty sure it was actually “only a girl”). Had the highest SATs of all kids, but that didn’t matter. And although I have a decent relationship with my parents now, I have not forgotten, nor entirely forgiven them. Your D will not either…</p>
One of DS’s (private) music teachers (for more than 10 years, so we are close) once told us that her parents favored her brothers, especially a particular one. The favored one was not particularly good to his parents when they were old and needed help. (I thinks she is not particularly fond of this favored brother. Once she said when he was student, he would often keep his report card in his backpack so that he could show his grades to others, whenever he had a chance. Although he had consumed the most resources from their family, he was actually the very last one who became financially independent among all siblings – well into his mid 30s, due to the change of career paths too many times.) </p>
<p>Since she is “just a girl”, her parents would not allow her to go far away to college. Her parents would not allow her to go to a college more than 60 miles from her home. And the college had to be a conservative one. (She likely commuted to the college.) It was only when she was at a graduate school on scholarship that she could finally attend a college in her choice. I could feel in her tone that she had some resentment (and she’s in her sixties and her mother likely approaching 90, when she said this.) She is still good to her mother though.</p>
<p>Does she have an admission to another school apart from the state schools? Is this school better than the state public school? Are you refusing her this school because the school is not as prestigious as her sister’s? Has your family financials changed? Would you have paid for a private school if it were a stellar school?</p>
<p>I do not know your whole family situation so it may be difficult to analyse it. Oftentimes, we spend more on our children because we want them to reach their highest potential.
This could mean spending more for a more challenging school environment or for a more personalized one in the case of a struggling child. Fairness is what one needs to survive.
Is your child feeling that she will do well in this preferred school environment or just trying to get even?
These are questions you need to take time and reflect on. Good luck in your decision. </p>
<p>Most importantly, let your child know that you love her to remove the feeling of unworthiness. This is the core issue that I see here.</p>
<p>I don’t think spending different amounts on children’s college is so outrageous, as long as you are not actively disadvantaging one child to pay for the other. </p>
<p>Students have different abilities and needs. If I had a child who was a gifted musician and wanted to go to a conservatory, I would not say she couldn’t because the other child couldn’t. If I had a child who was an outstanding and hard-working student who gained admission to a top national university, I wouldn’t tell him to go pound sand because my other child, with more average intellectual gifts, could not gain acceptance to a comparable institution. I don’t think the “even-Steven” philosophy works with education, which is highly individual.</p>
<p>I also thought this is possible reading the OP first entry.</p>
<p>For me another topic comes into play here. On CC I often see parents say things like we’ll pay full fare at a top school for Child X because they have earned it or because the school is worth it … but will not for Child Y or a pretty good school. I get this prospective but I’m not sure it is the most efficient use of the money allocated for college. FirstToGo is a terrifc students, focused, mature and worthy of a top college experience in every dimension … I also believe it is true she would have flourished wherever she landed because of who she is and her drive. SecondToGo was a tougher case … very very smart … but his academic light has not gone off in high school and he was not a great student. For me, finding the right environment to try to find his intellectually passion was a pickier and higher leverage situation … and if it was a full pay school so be it and I was all in as I think the range of the upside and downside for him were likely to be much higher depending on where he went to school. To me, given limited funds spending more on SecondToGo might have been the better parental choice.</p>
<p>I’m 35, and I moved 1500 miles away to live with my father when I was 15. I have 2 siblings from my mom’s family, all fairly younger than me (graduated college in the last few years). My mother is a strong college proponent, and so was I. Unfortunately, my father didn’t have the means to send me when I graduated high-school, and I never expected anyone to help me. I spent 3 years in community college and racked up $25K in loans. Lordy, I get embarrassed writing that down! </p>
<p>My mother spent nearly $120K for each of my siblings to attend her alma mater, a local private school. Each also took out about 20K in student loans. 2 years ago, I returned to college to finish a degree. I go to a commuter school, and I was able to get enough scholarships to pay for the whole thing. She’s very obviously proud of me, her oldest and last child finishing college, with the same degree she has. Not once has she offered me a dime for anything (nor have I asked)-it’s like a game with us or something.</p>
<p>I hate, hate, hate even thinking that I was treated differently. But trust me, I find myself wishing all the time that my mother would simply call up Sallie Mae and pay off my remaining student loans from community college. It would be a drop in the bucket compared to what she spent on my siblings. She could even start a college fund for my own daughters and I’d be tickled pink. The problem is, I’ve never asked, and she’s never offered. I think she’s still mad, 20 years later, that I moved away. </p>
<p>I’m still holding out hope she’ll do something when I graduate this summer, and absolutely hating myself for even thinking about it! I genuinely think she would do something if I just asked her to. Trouble is, we are both too stubborn to leave our corners.</p>
<p>Attempts at “fairness” could be problematic. Consider a case where the oldest child basically gets a free ride. Along comes Child Two, no free ride, and the parents are paying $40K/year for him. Does Child One get mad and demand “you can’t spend more on him than you spent on me”?</p>
<p>carebear, you can’t ask because if she says no then that pale glimmer of hope that threads your relationship would be dashed and it might irretrievably damage the relationship. Unfortunately, over time you might well have to come to acceptance of the fact that she has no intention of helping you out. Either your relationship survives that or it doesn’t. I would hope that in her shoes I would offer to help with your D’s educations!</p>
<p>We are struggling with this issue too. We decided the only fair way to handle it was to pay the % of tuition at state flagship for both kids. Otherwise it would be unfair to our youngest and her costs will be significantly higher then her sister’s due to inflation.</p>
<p>My wife and I have three sons. We told them that we would pay for their instate COA. We have other rules:</p>
<p>1) Premed or prelaw goes to state school only.
2) 4.0 + 2300 + bus/econ major get to apply to private schools.</p>
<p>The older twin boys got scholarship to cover IS tuition and then some, we will keep the remaining fund for their graduate school or house down payment.</p>
<p>We decided the only fair way to handle it was to pay the % of tuition at state flagship for both kids. Otherwise it would be unfair to our youngest and her costs will be significantly higher then her sister’s due to inflation.</p>
<p>Yes, adjustments due to inflation are needed to be fair.</p>
<p>Ace…if a premed/prelaw child got a merit scholarship to a private that got the cost down to the public, why would you care? </p>
<p>And, what if a kid going to a private later decides on med school. lol</p>
Our income hasn’t quite doubled, but we have one fewer person living at home, & no children. Not having a child under 14 any longer, seems to have affected it the most.</p>