unequal money for unequal kids?

Parents Forum
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<p>Here's a dilemma. Two sisters, both in HS, are both of ordinary abilities, although the elder is naturally brighter. They will be full payors in college. They have both been told to make their plans with a parent-provided budget that will cover a basic four-year public college education, with no loans, but no fluff in the budget, either.</p>

<p>The older sister is brighter, but a social butterfly, popularity queen, near the bottom of her class in HS. She has no particular academic or career goals, and seems only to be going to college by default. She has also been passive about earning money in the summers, and has no significant extracurriculars. She is a candidate for weak state directionals.</p>

<p>The younger sister is the Little Engine That Could. She has a passion that she hopes to turn into a career, and it calls for a specialized undergrad program, not available in too many places. She is working very hard to try to get into one such program. The program will cost somewhat more than the announced budget -- about $5000 per year more. </p>

<p>She is solidly in the top half of her class, with much effort; exceeding her K-8 teachers' expectations. She also does targeted extracurriculars and precollege programs in her field. Then she works full time in the summers, while taking additional online HS work at night, to boost her transcript. She saves her earnings for college, hoping to help stretch the budget to get to the school she wants.</p>

<p>If the younger girl gets into her dream program, and the family can help with the additional $5000 per year, is it unfair for the parents to do that? Do they "owe" more money to the older one? The older one is still getting a paid education -- more than her performance would justify, in many families. And her parents question her ability to finish a degree in 8 semesters, which makes them all the more budget-conscious with her, from the beginning.</p>

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<p>I think you take it one day at a time. The younger sister isn’t ready for college anyway; what is her dream college now and what might be realistic/achievable/affordable when it’s her turn is likely to change.</p>

<p>I don’t think parents “owe” every child the same amount, down to the penny. They “owe” each child an opportunity to maximize their potential via exposure, hard work, and discipline.</p>

<p>And if it were me, I’d make sure the elder sister knows that the parents are footing the bill for 8 semesters. Any kid of mine who wanted to take college on the “I’m taking a light load to make time for partying” or “What’s an incomplete or two when I’m the most popular girl in my dorm” knew from the git-go what the ground rules were.</p>

<p>And yet somehow they managed to have fun, get a degree in 8 semesters, and get launched into full time jobs within weeks of graduating. Lucky me.</p>

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<p>Remember this…fair is not always equal.</p>

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<p>Very lucky you!</p>

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<h1>4 was in response to #2. Thumper1, good point. It does not seem wrong to consider the ability to benefit, and whether specific goals are at stake. More money was spent on D1’s tutoring, but nobody thought that a dollar-for-dollar slush fund should be created for D2.</h1>

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<p>My children sat me down for a talk last year. It was about Christmas presents, but I think the principle is the same. They told me they were no longer four years old and my insistence on spending the same and giving each the same number of gifts was unnecessary. They might have used the word dumb. At the time , the oldest was in her second year of college and the youngest was a hs junior. </p>

<p>What I’m saying is that I’m not sure that even your kids expect exactly equal treatment and can recognize each has different needs. Besides, your not talking about giving one a 50k a year education and limiting the other to 15k.</p>

<p>Don’t worry about it right now. Minds change. Slackers bloom. Hard workers burn out. You do what is appropriate for each of them and call it a day</p>

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<p>fieldsports, you’re probably not going like my answer. But when I read your post, I thought - wow, that’s great they’ll save money on the older one so they’ll be more able to afford the higher tuition for the younger one! But I see, that’s the problem, not the solution?</p>

<p>I think blossom’s right. Take it one child at a time. Things change. .</p>

<p>FWIW, my sister sent her daughter to the instate flagship university which was very affordable but sent her son to one of the $60K a year colleges (full pay). I don’t think my niece thinks she’s owed $120K-$160K. They both enjoyed their respective schools and couldn’t imagine going to the other’s choice.</p>

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<p>It’s a family, not a country. The concept of, “To each according to his (her) need” may be applied without being accused of Communism. :smiley: We have 2 wildly different sons. S2 got significant merit aid, but even with that his 5 year (co-op program) was much more expensive than S1 who bombed out of LAC then lived at home for several years while attending community college (cheap!!!) then transferred to in-state university (still very cheap!!!) and is living in an apartment near campus. </p>

<p>We exhausted S2’s 529 plan along with all his college savings accounts during his final year of undergrad. We actually moved 529 assets from S1 to S2. S1 still has plenty of college savings left - which is a good thing, because his near term employment prospects are iffy.</p>

<p>Point is, we started with equal allocations but moved money around based on need.</p>

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<p>And of course the kids themselves may surprise you. D 1 may decide she’s not ready for college, and so takes a gap year and discovers she loves working in a restaurant and wants to become a pastry chef and own her own catering company. D 2 may qualify for merit scholarships which make her choice cost less than you’d budgeted. </p>

<p>Take it one step at a time with an eye towards launching both D’s towards adulthood and financial independence. Lots of unknowns. Too hard to handicap this early in the game.</p>

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<p>I would spend the same or roughly the same on both. I did this for all three of mine. Cost varied because of price increasing from the beginning of the first and now the third, but roughly it is all the same + or - college inflation costs. If push comes to shove the younger one could support the different with federal direct loans but also the second may very well end up at a better school with some scholarship money.</p>

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<p>ordinarylives, your kids are awesome! Love “the talk” and wish more families would have it.</p>

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<p>I would set the budget just a bit lower for each, and then agree to match anything they save toward their own costs, including incidental expenses. If the older daughter wants as much support as her sister, she will need to change her habits.</p>

<p>But ultimately, I wouldn’t even discuss it with them. Why does the oldest even need to know how much her sister’s education cost, or what you contributed, when her bills are already being paid? If the younger daughter manages to work hard and earn merit scholarships, and ends up with lower costs, would she then expect to be paid the difference? </p>

<p>If you really feel the need to pay equally, then loan the extra money to the younger daughter. If she is already career oriented, and is making the effort to save her earnings to make a “better” choice affordable, she might not need the extra help. And she might be in a better position to secure a job following graduation, and to pay off those loans.</p>

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<p>I agree with some other posters. It really is too soon to make such a decision. Children can change drastically during their adolescence and early twenties. I’d also be cautious about potential long-term ramifications, even when differing treatment appears justified at a given time. </p>

<p>As an example, my husband was the middle child and only boy. Like many boys, I gather he was a late bloomer and less academically motivated in middle and high school. He did have a diagnosed language disorder in elementary school, so his differing achievement early on was not only due to a lack of motivation. Part way through high school he was deemed not to be college material by his parents. Older sister got a free ride from mom and dad to a state university, as did his younger sister. They were slightly above average students with more agreeable attitudes, but were not exemplary by any means. Note that dh worked steadily in high school, got B’s and C’s, and never got into major trouble. He did listen to heavy metal music and wore his hair too long according to mom. :/</p>

<p>My husband joined the army and returned home four years later greatly matured. He indicated his wish to pursue education. They offered him his old room so that he could attend a local cc, but did not offer to help him with the non-covered room and board at the state uni. GI benefits were more limited then. Dh completed two years with high grades at the local cc, while working. Parents provided basic board only. After two years, he transferred to the same state uni where little sis was currently attending on parental dime, taking on significant loan debt to finish his BS. Dh graduated, began working in his field, and has since gone on to graduate study. All further education was self-financed. It took us 12 years of marriage to pay off his loans. He is decidedly the most educated member of our extended family at this point. The in-laws seem to have no regret and simply say that dh’s success if “surprising” to them. Ultimately, their handling of the situation has strained his relationship with both them and his siblings. I think, out of some guilt, his sisters exaggerate how much more deserving they were of assistance. Incidentally, both girls received a gifted (used car) upon graduation and dh got a t-shirt. I do sense that some of these decisions were sexist as opposed to only academic, but they have been hurtful to dh regardless.</p>

<p>Dh and I have 4 daughters, two are currently in high school and the others are significantly younger. I can already see how they have all been gifted differently. We plan to offer different, but equal, help to our girls. Both older girls are very academically talented. One will study out of state next year and has received substantial merit aid. We will help her to offset other costs as the room and board at her chosen school is expensive and she would like to rush a sorority. Our second child plans to study locally. Our state level scholarship should cover all of her expenses ,so we plan to purchase a car for her instead. The youngers are less academically inclined so far, so we’ll have to see how best to help them at the time. We have budgeted about $20k for each girls and will help her best decide how to utilize it. It may be educational, a vehicle, funds towards a wedding, house down payment, etc. </p>

<p>I would caution against doing anything that could be seen as taking from one child to give towards another and would encourage you instead to help the children if different, but roughly equal ways. Also, be prepared to admit that your initial judgment was wrong. </p>

<p>It really isn’t all about the financial discrepancy for dh at this point. It’s more that he’d like to hear his parents say that we misjudged his ability and wish that they had been more supportive of him, etc.</p>

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<p>Personally, I prefer offering a dollar amount rather than the more vague phrase about 4 yr- in-state. I also prefer setting expectations in advance. Such as keep out of trouble, no failing grades, if a student drops out, all bets are off, etc. Those are just examples, but they could come into play so don’t be caught off guard. Perhaps you could even mention if the older girl saves money- by not going to school, or with a big scholarship, etc, then that might free up money for the second girl.
Especially, for the butterfly- she may or may not settle into good grades right away.</p>

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<p>I have two boys, and I’m definitely in the camp of “roughly equal over the very long haul”.</p>

<p>Given your description of the situation, I think it makes complete sense to support the second daughter to the best of your ability to pursue her dreams - - since she clearly is very invested and devoted to those dreams and part of the pleasure of being a parent is helping your child make their dreams come true. Especially since you really are not denying your elder child anything by doing so - - she still gets a four year, paid college education which is wonderful.</p>

<p>But there may come a time when your older daughter is the one in need of money to make her dreams come true . . .a down payment on a house or a wedding or even graduate school (you never know) something along those lines, and perhaps at that time, when the money is meaningful to that child, then you can contribute.</p>

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<p>I don’t agree with it having to be equal. Things have a way of equalizing themselves over time. In our family, D got a 100% paid scholarship her first year and S was full pay. So I paid the full for him and nothing for her. I did give her extras such as new computer, paid the extra car expenses for her, etc. but no where near what I paid for her brother. Fast forward a year, D decided she didn’t like the school and transferred to be with her brother. Brother was so happy he got a job as an RA so he could help out with the expenses since he knew I would be paying more for his sister. It all evens out in life.</p>

<p>Looking at my own family, my parents helped me fund my education, and paid nothing for my siblings who didn’t attend college. But now that we are all adults, my parents are constantly seeming to help out my siblings financially one way or another. It all evens out in the end. I don’t need the financial help now but I did back then when I was in school.</p>

<p>I think you pay for each according to their needs. If daughter 1 has no focus and plans, I wouldn’t pay for much of anything until she could develop a plan. It is like a friend of ours whose daughter is going to our community college until she gets focus and a plan. Then he will pay for a 4 year school somewhere else.</p>

<p>It sounds as if D2 is much more on track. don’t hold her back just because of her older sister. If it were me and I could afford it I would pay the extra $5000 for the younger daughter. D1 probably won’t even figure out that the second school is $5000 more unless you make a big deal about it around the dinner table.</p>

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<p>We’ve spent more on out oldest s education, but youngest has a nicer car. The girls are close. Get along well. I really don’t think either noticed. </p>

<p>In our family everybody gets the best education and I expect both will go on to Grad school as we both did over time. </p>

<p>Get your kids the best education they earn that you can afford. Unless you make it an issue, to them it’s “just” school.</p>

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<p>Agree with Blossom and Thumper. Take it as it comes and “fair” is not always “equal.” Do what you can to help each fulfill their aspirations - math is not everything. You are blessed to have such talented daughters.</p>

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<p>I don’t think either of my kids knows what we’ve spent on them or their sibling and don’t care. We told them they needed a lot of FA, and they both got it. I think when all is said and done we’ll end up spending a few thousand more on ds1, but they both got to attend top-notch schools that they love so what’s to complain about, kwim? They did know how much we had for each of them, which was an equal amount. Neither of them has used that full amount, but how much of the balance they’ll actually get has yet to be seen.</p>

<p>I feel for the poster whose dh was not a favored child. I think that kind of disparity is about something deeper than just ideas about being college material. My parents helped each of my siblings with a down payment for a house, but they didn’t help me. Now, I was the only one who went to a four-year school so maybe their thinking was that they “owed” the other two kids more, but it was never explained like that and I found their lack of help hurtful. Mind you, I’m not talking thousands and thousands of dollars here. For me, it was the thought – or lack thereof – that counted.</p>

<p>I think if you’ve raised your kids to not feel competitive toward each other and not too vested in material things it won’t be an issue. They should want what’s best for each other, right?</p>

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<p>$5,000 per year is within range of direct loans and/or reasonable amounts of summer and/or school year work (although if she is not work-study eligible, it may be more difficult to get on-campus school year work than work-study students). So if the rest is covered by the parents’ contribution, that is doable, unless she is not comfortable with the direct loans and/or work, or she is forbidden by the parents from taking even direct loans or working.</p>