Sibling Fairness and Paying for College

Paying for College
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<p>This, exactly, only it happened with my twins. My son got a full ride to our in-state flagship. His twin sister didn’t, but she attends the same school. I will end up paying ~ $100,000 over four years out of pocket to pay for my daughter, but I am not going to give $100,000 to my son to make things “equal.”</p>

<p>In the same vein, still with my twins, my son was accepted to a science/tech HS that was free. Yay! Meanwhile, his twin sister went to a private HS that was $45,000 over the entirety of her time there. </p>

<p>It will have cost us $145,000 to educate our girl twin (HS and college), and nothing to educate our boy twin. </p>

<p>I’ll tell you what, though…we were actually going to have our daughter pay for half of her in-state college cost. But once we learned that her twin brother wouldn’t have to pay anything, it felt wrong to ask our daughter to pay, for two reasons: one, we had more money because our son was going for free; two, she’d worked just as hard all her life as her brother, and making her pay $50,000 on her own over four years seemed unfair if he didn’t have to pay anything.</p>

<p>It’s all very complicated. And we have two other kids, one long graduated from college and one in HS, which adds its own layers. No easy answer, and I’m still confused about whether or not things are as they should be.</p>

102

<p>It’s hard to understand some (roughly, half) of the opinions in this thread.</p>

<p>This is purely envy. The kid is in the wrong, here; as others have pointed out, it sounds like the kid has some emotional issues that have developed over the years, and that’s probably where the parents failed.</p>

<p>Give the above, the solution seems to be to try to help heal the daughter by paying for and attending therapy to get through these difficult issues. If you owe the kid anything, you owe her that. You most certainly do not owe the kid a full ride at an expensive university, particularly if she hasn’t earned it.</p>

<p>Kids have such a sense of entitlement these days.</p>

103

<p>We’re in a similar position. We told our twins years ago that they would have to work hard in high school if they wanted to go to a good college because our financial resources are limited. One child took us seriously and has worked very hard, and is being accepted into high-tier schools offering considerable scholarships or even meeting full financial need. The other, who has the same IQ and has had the same opportunities and parental support, chose to slack off (didn’t do homework or study for tests). He’s being accepted into decent colleges, but they don’t come anywhere close to meeting financial need, and he doesn’t qualify for scholarships to help offset that need. Unfortunately, the onus is still on us to pay the difference or take out PLUS loans, as he can’t get enough loans himself to cover it. And when we try to steer him toward a more affordable option, such as a state college, he says that we’re being unfair because we’re willing to send Twin #1 to a $50K a year college but not him. Of course that $50K/year education is going to cost us less than $10K because of scholarships and grants, whereas his $45K/year college would need to be almost completely parent-funded. We’re very torn on how much debt we should be expected to go into in the interest of “fairness” when clearly Twin #1 worked for advantages that Twin #2 thought inconsequential.</p>

104

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That one’s easy - tell the children that you will pay the exact same amount for each of them. If they want to take on extra debt, they can go right ahead. If the loans they are allowed to take out don’t cover the difference, then they don’t go to that school. </p>

<p>Sit them down in April and say, “We decided that we are able to pay $X for each of you to attend college. If you need a fifth year or summer school, it comes out of that. If $X plus the loans you can take out aren’t enough for your dream school, then you aren’t going there. You are becoming adults; this is your opportunity to make an adult decision.” </p>

<p>It is only about what the other kid gets if you make it about what the other kid gets.</p>

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<p>Agree you shouldn’t allow yourselves to blackmailed. Figure what you can and are willing to comfortably afford and have the talk described above.</p>

106

<p>I’m a hs senior and I agree that your D probably has her eye on a better more expensive school, but she’s probably nervous about getting accepted. As a student and a middle child I know that there is really no “fair” way. If you have the capability to help both of your children maybe you could help them both to the point where they each have the same amount of loans a year that way they both are on a more level playing field. I hope this helps.</p>

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<p>We offered all of our kids the equivalent of the state flagship school budget, whatever it was when their turn came to account for inflation. If some one got scholarships, we did not gift them that extra money, the deal was to graduate debt free from undergrad. One of mine did two years at CC then transferred to a private with merit aid to make the budget work.</p>

<p>You have to pick what is fair for you and be consistent.</p>

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<p>I am a 25 year old college student. I am a Junior @ UNC-Chapel Hill (it’s instate for me). I had a child at a young age (19) and she is now 6. My mother (single mom) treated us all equally when it came to college costs, however there were times that she was able to help more and vice versa. She has had a lot of health problems for about 8 years now, which is about the scope of time her 3 youngest kids (my older sister, myself, and my little (youngest sibling) sister) have been in college. </p>

<p>She has not been able to assist me whatsoever in college costs. I am also independent, due to my having a child. She did try to help me get an internship that my school would not pay for (it paid $350/week, but you also had to take courses associated with that you had to pay for and UNC would not pay for it b/c it was through a different university). We applied for private loans but she was denied. </p>

<p>She has been able to help my youngest sister the most. My youngest sister is not independent (22) and when she needed private loans, my mom’s credit and income were much better. However, out of my siblings, I am the “stellar” student. Does that mean I am more deserving of help? No way. I don’t agree with society that the parent’s should have to pay for college. If a kid works hard in school, s/he will get some sort of scholarship somewhere. I would obviously contribute what the government tells me I should (when the times comes for my daughter to go to school) but that’s where I will draw the line. My mom would have done the same for us, if she could. </p>

<p>So, if I had two kids and one was more academically “gifted” than the other, I would not prioritize their education over the other. I would assist them in filling out their FAFSA’s, pay the EFC and tell them good luck. They are adults now. I will offer guidance and support, but that’s it. :)</p>

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<p>It’s not clear from your post whether child #2 has been accepted to a more prestigious school that you are refusing to pay for because of her lack of a clear goal, or whether the two state schools are the only ones that have accepted her. If the former, no, that isn’t fair, but if the state schools are her only choices, well, then those are her choices and you have no control over them. You’ll just pay for the one she chooses. </p>

<p>What else would she have you do, give her the difference between her brother’s tuition and hers? I would not encourage this kind of mercenary thinking.</p>

<p>If you feel you owe her something more and can afford to pay it, then offer to pay for grad school, assuming she does well at the state school.</p>

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<p>Somemom,</p>

<p>Would you not let them keep the savings from UG scholarship for their graduate school expense?</p>

111

<p>We teachers have a saying, “Fairness does not mean everyone gets the same. Fairness means everyone gets what they need.” ∙ - Julius Kane</p>

<p>I think as a parent, we pull our hair out trying to be “fair”, but as long as both of your children have what it takes for them to be successful, then you are being fair. For your #2 daughter, since she doesn’t know what she wants to study, I would tell her that once she figures it out, you will fully support her. In the meantime, it makes sense to save money at a state school.</p>

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<p>I think my previous post may not have been as clear as I had hoped. I agree with what I understand to be pizzagirl’s point. People all have different talents, abilities, and skills. If one can obtain lots of aid, and the other can’t but is working up to her/his ability, then why can’t we give each one the best opportunity possible? That may mean taking out parent plus loans for one, but not the other, or making other choices. When our children become young adults, we want them to harbor as little resentment as possible. As adults, we all know that we our parents have made mistakes, but we don’t need to. For me, the test is whether I can tell my children directly what decisions we have made and why.</p>

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<p>You should give each of them the same amount of money to make their life a success, though you may not want to do it until they have a proper game plan. If one of them takes 20k from you for college, you should also allow that amount for the other sibling though it may be a down payment on a house instead.</p>

<p>My family gave both of us nothing, and forced us to take student loans and scholarships to take care of ourselves, it was very fair, and we were both successful in the end.</p>

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<p>hen our children become young adults, we want them to harbor as little resentment as possible</p>

<p>If my kids resent me or each other as adults because they interpret they received an unequal amount of money/time as kids, then I obviously was paying too much attention to the wrong things.</p>

115

<p>I think the more that is focused on $$$ and justifying to each kiddo and worrying about tring to give the same amount on each is not how H and I choose to handle this issue. Both kids are getting whatever funds were needed for them to get a bachelor’s degree debt free. Both are grateful and neither is whining about fairness. If they did, we’d be VERY disappointed in them. </p>

<p>None of the 7 of us kids in my family have any idea how much my folks paid for any of our educations, but I know mine was extremely inexpensive with all my scholarships and grants. I was shocked my dad insisted on repaying my very modest education loan, but he insisted. He also paid everyone else’s. we were all very grateful and there has never been a whiff of complaint of unfairness among us because the loans were so variable. As far as I know none of us harbor resentment either. </p>

<p>No child is OWED an expensive U just because sib may have gone to one. The parents should set the ground rules and not be bullied, especially by a child who doesn’t even know his major and has not been putting forth substantial effort.</p>

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<p>Ace- no, we did not pass that money through to that kid. The awards won were primarily offered based on my actions in finding some opportunities once I got the hang of the college thing, it would not have been fair to D1 that she never knew about those possibilities. We always made it clear they would get a debt-free undergrad and they would take responsibility for grad school. One of mine is frugal, one is not, we needed to come up with ways to teach responsibilities and that was it. We will have some kids with grad loans, some without, some with better job markets and better able to pay them off. I think any gifting we do in the future would be based on equal situations, if one gets married, they get $XXXX, the others don’t get that until they get married, if one gets an advanced degree they get a gift of $xxxx, others who have not gone as far, do not get that. But, if we wanted to help with a house down payment, etc., we would help equally…at the right time for that kid.</p>

<p>Currently we are enjoying a reprieve from a decade of tuition and while we do help all of them in small ways, it is not expected and always appreciated. We are playing catch up with our retirement and certainly sacrificed enough personally along the way that I felt no need to offer ‘rebates’ to our college kids.</p>

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<p>My brother just dropped out of state school-- my parents are sending me to a 1st-tier private institution. My brother doesn’t really complain about the money, but my parents helped to pay for his car and lets him use their money to eat out and buy things as unspoken compensation. On the other hand, I’m getting a (very) expensive education and not much else.</p>

<p>However, if I’d been around the same academic level as my brother, my parents would definitely not have paid the money for a private school. I think if your D can get a comparable education at the state school, she should go there.</p>

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<p>I think it comes down to the quality of education received, not the price. My little sister went to a private school and my parents shelled out quite a bit for her. I never ever thought that I should receive the same amount of money for other things. However, I did argue that the education she was receiving at her private school was equal to our public school, and therefore she should attend a public school. Being 5 at the time, my sister didn’t argue one or the other so no input from her. Eventually my parents listened to my charts/graphs about the quality of education and put her into public school. I’m happy to say she’s doing better in public than private and we’re not shelling out 20k a year. Huzzah!</p>

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<p>Where I see the fairness issue arising and where it becomes an issue is when the parents CAN comfortably pay for, say a $60K a year college experience, and have done so and would do so for CERTAIN schools, and not others. As far as I am concerned, if a family can’t afford to pay for something for one kid that they did for another, they should not. It’s pure folly to break the bank and imperil financial conditions just to maintain fairness. Maybe the family should not have paid for the first kid and did because it was a bad decision, and now they know it was as they are still paying for the loans or suffering the consequences. Really, they should do it again, just to be fair? Nope. That would be pure stupidity. And if a young adult doesn’t understand that the financial implications of paying that much for him/her, it’s time he learns and the parents should lay it out. It may be the first time in the kid’s life that he is being told that the family truly cannot afford getting something for him, and it doesn’t sink in. Yeah alot of us broke our bank accounts, and nearly our necks getting everything and anything our kids wanted, needed or that they and we though they needed. But when you are looking at spending a quarter million dollars as you, the parents are getting into the last half of your working years and life, it’s a whole other story. We aren’t talking about the new Nintendo system, or the class trip to Eleuthera or a used or even new car here. We are talking a quarter million dollars, probably more, and if you have more than one kid…well, we can all do the math, right.</p>

<p>But sometimes parents can afford it. Not afford it like, it’s chump change, but they can do it, but they don’t want to do it So if you have a kid that’s accepted to Harvard, you can’t write that check fast enough, and you’ll scrub Port-A-Pottys as a second joub for him to go. But the kid who is accepted to just as expensive Harward, but is a school that is not well known, and the kid doesn’t have any strong reason to go there, it is not a school that stands out as something that would give anyone anything that a less expensive state school would give, well, you just might not want to pay that quarter mill for that. </p>

<p>That is where the crux of the problem lies. I have zero problem telling a kid that we CAN"t or should not pay out a certain amount of money, and would have the problem in having a child that can’t get that. But when you can, but you don’t want to do so? Ummmmm. I don’t know. You may be putting the same standards on Kid 2 as you did with Kid 1 in that you would not have sprung that much money on Harward for him either, and he got the money because he got into a school that you feel is worth paying that much for. Now had you laid this all out, long before any of this came up–I will pay full cost for these schools, but no more than $10-20k or whatever more or maybe NO more than state schools costs for those schools that are not on that list, then we are all on the same page, but this is a learning experience for most of us and we are amateurs. Maybe with a second family, we can do all of these things over, but right now we are where we are without having said those things.</p>

<p>Me? I say pay it in that case. If you can’t afford it, then that’s a whole other issue, and I don’t mean some hokey “can’t afford” either. If you couldn’t pay for the school even if it were Harvard instead of Haward, then your kid has to get that. </p>

<p>But then, if you really don’t want to pay, and your DH or DW doesn’t either, well…it’s YOUR money. You don;t have to pay anything for their college. At 18, you can throw them out and not give them a dime. There are some privileges to their coming of age. But you have to decide what you WANT to do in that case.</p>

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<p>We’re in the decision process now with D3 - D1 had acceptances at top 10 universities but would have cost us $100K out of pocket over 4 years - she chose to stay in state, graduate in 3 years, we let her keep all of her scholarship money which she used to travel extensively and start graduate school. D2 is at a top engineering school (in state) for her chosen degree, costly us only room & board. D3 accepted to lesser tier state schools but also a VERY good private school - that is a great fit -BUT will cost us probably $60K over the 4 years more than her siblings. Her older siblings want her to have the greatest opportunity for success and are fully on board with the extra cost. It is about wanting the best for others - ultimately in everyone’s best interest</p>