<p>We are paying roughly the same for everyone. One went to a more expensive college - and has more loans, the next went to a state school which was signficantly cheaper - so he got a used car too when he graduated to ‘make up’ the difference. Third is trying to decide where he is going. It is looking like he can go to a higher priced school if he wants, because he got some merit scholarships - but he may be selecting the state school anyway. We are doing our best to keep the $s spent on each as close as possible - and any ‘extra’ someone gets for scholarships is what they earned.</p>
<p>I have the stats to get admittance into LACs that meet 100% of financial need. My brother similarly wants to go to a smaller LAC, but he doesn’t have the stats to get into the ones that meet 100% need, so his education would actually wind up costing a lot MORE than mine. My parents want him to go to a SUNY instead, which would be much cheaper, but he says that wouldn’t be fair because I get to go to the college of my choice. But his top choice would cost us >30k/year, whereas with financial aid mine is ~10k/year.</p>
<p>It’s really not a matter of you “getting to go to the college of your choice,” but a matter of you doing the work so that your choice wouldn’t cost your parents more money. </p>
<p>Another way of looking at it is if your parents had said, “We’ll pay the amount of a SUNY, but if you get into a school that gives great aid/merit to bring the cost down to a SUNY, then you can go there.” So, in your case, you did that. Your brother did not. So, the schools that he chose do not cost as little as a SUNY.</p>
<p>Your parents just need to hold their position. Your brother is just throwing out anything to see if it sticks. If your parents firmly state that they will only pay about XXX for each child, then your brother is free to take a gap year and apply to a school of HIS CHOICE that would fit THAT budget. Which is what you did.</p>
<p>Heck, if your parents were to give you each $10k to buy a car, and you found a super car that was $13k and you found a way to knock off $3k, then your brother doesn’t get to insist that your parents give him $13k for a car, right???</p>
<p>This question of “sibling fairness” is really about the overall emotional dynamic of the individual family. In my circumstances, I had the higher GPA and scores, and was a motivated and diligent student. My parents forbidding me to enroll in my 1st choice school but allowing my favored sister “free choice” was unfair. There was no financial issue to prevent my enrollment. No explanation was provided other than “don’t want to spend that money on you”. Problem is, decades later, there’ve been more episodes in my family of overt favoritism and lopsided gifts to my favored sister, to confirm point. I can confirm that such obvious parental favoritism eventually wears out the patience of even the most dutiful and otherwise obedient adult-daughter.</p>
<p>I’ll add that my parents and sister often brag about said school, decades later, at family events, which makes this issue fresh again several times a year. Insensitive to boot.</p>
<p>higgins, this sounds awful. As your parents age, which of you will be responsible for checking in on them and perhaps eventually elder care? Do you have any idea if they leave their estate equally to you and your sister? (If not, then perhaps insist on favored sis being the one to help them as they get older instead of you.)</p>
<p>It is awful; and topic “college choice” is just the tip of the iceberg regarding my family. Therapy helps, as does physical and emotional distancing. Not knowing full circumstances of OP’s situation, I’m here to advocate that “greedy child” is not always the diagnosis in such situations.</p>
<p>Someone further up said something to the effect that giving scholarship money to the student was unfairly rewarding natural talent. In our family, we’re both pretty smart (I’ve got slightly better grades, my bro has better ECs), but he didn’t want to bother applying for ANY scholarships. There were some he had an excellent shot at getting (it’s not guaranteed, but he had the stats and very applicable ECs). My parents hassled him about applying for a while, then just gave up and said it was his choice to not earn any scholarship money. His feeling was that the amount of time he would spend on an app was better spent at a job where he was guaranteed money. The thing is: he didn’t have a job!</p>
<p>@higgens2013: I’m so sorry to hear that happened. I don’t understand how parents can treat their own children like that. My mind just can’t comprehend it.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, higgins, and am glad that you are taking care of yourself (physical and emotional distancing). I also agree that “greedy child” isn’t always the correct terminology in such situations. There is always another side to the story! </p>
<p>I am always a little skeptical of the posters in this kind of thread who insist that their parents have the right to favor one child or grandchild over the others, including in spending for that favored person or persons. No hard feeling, nope. And if Elder Ma or Pa need help and the non-favored child (them!) ends up taking care of them and/or contributing their own money to do so, they do so with no hard feelings. </p>
<p>Or maybe the CC posters are that rare special breed (heck, we already know the kiddos are a special breed! LOL) who are destined for sainthood. Somehow I don’t think so…</p>
<p>*@higgens2013: I’m so sorry to hear that happened. I don’t understand how parents can treat their own children like that. My mind just can’t comprehend it.
*</p>
<p>Ditto. I dont’ understand it, either. My mom used to spoil her sons at the expense of her Ds, but that was largely a cultural thing. In Higgin’s case, both kids are girls. </p>
<p>My best friend was a middle child - a girl - and as she puts it, “she stayed under the radar.”. Her older sister was the super-favored one by the mom…very spoiled. (The mom was bi-polar). The youngest D was very poorly treated by the mom, and there was no sense to that - except that she was conceived at a time when the marriage was very rocky. The dad tried to “make up” for it by favoring the younger D. </p>
<p>When the girls were all adults, the mom wanted to buy the oldest D a very expensive coat (very expensive…thousands). The dad insisted that all 3 D’s get the same expensive coat in the color of their choice (these were pricey furs). </p>
<p>I had an aunt who treated one of her D’s poorly and my dad always said it was because the D looked like a relative on her dad’s side…that aunt didn’t like. Ugh!!</p>
<p>sometimes there are some weird unknown dynamics going on. </p>
<p>I don’t understand how parents rationalize any of this odd behavior. Your kids are your kids…love them each completely!!!</p>
<p>We have 3 in school this year. One got into a 100% needs met school. We pay about half as much for her as the other two. All three of them are pretty much going to their cheapest option (minus a state school that we deemed unacceptable). No one ever brought up, or has brought up since, the amount of money we are paying for anybody. I don’t think it ever would have occurred to them to compare. They are working on campus, work their butts off in the summer - with all money going towards tuition - and nobody is spending anything more than they have to, literally books (I help them to buy used) drug store items, and maybe an occasional movie. They know we are all sacrificing for their education and are grateful. I think a kid that complains like that ought to take a gap year doing something for people that have a lot less than they do.</p>
<p>John Wooden the legendary basketball coach from UCLA in his biography “They Call Me Coach” relayed the following: (paraphrased here) The coach was once asked if he treated all his players the same. His response was “yes”, he treats each player in a manner that helps him achieve his potential. For some players, the treatment could be a stern warning or loss of playing time. For others, a quiet word of instruction. </p>
<p>Assuming that the OP lovers her children equally (and I find it hard not to conceive how parents do not love their kids equally), then the OP needs to make a rational, adult decision on how to budget for the support of each based on the needs and potential of each. Necessarily, the OP must exercise judgment about the needs and potential (including a qualitative evaluation of the academic / professional direction.) It is very different to want $500 for a Spring Break trip with sorority sisters / fraternity brothers than $500 for the lab fee for an extra organic chemistry class.</p>
<p>Do not allow one child, acting like a child (by counting how much was spent on him / her vs. the amount spent on a sibling) dictate the behavior and choice of the parent who needs to act like a adult.</p>
<p>But maybe there should be a difference between a coach and a parent. The home should be a refuge from the slings and arrows of the outside world. And paying for spring break/or fraternity activities would not be in the category of paying for education. PDJ-SF, if just happens that your post is the last one ~ so it got me thinking</p>
<p>
</p>
<ol>
<li><p>If one child is keeping a score and demanding that you pay the same amount of money for her education as for her sibling’s, you will do her no favors by caving in to her childish behavior. Fair is not always equal. </p></li>
<li><p>Yes, it certainly can be. The second child might have other needs in the future that the first won’t have.</p></li>
<li><p>Our D is in college now, and our S is a senior who is in the process of choosing which offer to accept. He recognizes that an expensive choice for undergraduate necessarily means that we will just plain have less money to help him with graduate school. I predict that her wedding will cost more than his.</p></li>
</ol>
<hr>
<p>My parents had four children, and contributed varying amounts to us. Even though I had substantial scholarships, I spent four years in grad school and my parents probably spent more on my education than on that of my siblings. However, I have never needed to request money from them in order to pay my bills (as one sibling has) and they have received a whole lot of free legal advice from me, which I was happy to give. </p>
<p>Another sibling moved back home after a divorce. I am still married; should I get some free housing or free home-cooked meals because my sibling was in such an unfortunate situation? Perish the thought!</p>
<p>Fair is not always equal, and this is a chance to teach your younger child that, even if she doesn’t fully understand it now.</p>
<p>Yes, Schok, I think you deserve free housing & dinner, but you have to move in with Mom & Dad to get it :D</p>
<p>I think you gotta be fair in order to not have resentment. I’ve seen adults at midlife (50s) having resentment cause their parents were never fair. It was not a pretty situation and even when they tried to talk to their parent after all these years to get it off their chest… </p>
<p>I had someone fix my tv who was struggling to pay his bills and support his family. Said he could not get a job he put himself through school for so was a tv repairman for now. Said his parents spent $60K plus on his brother and then told him, no money cause we are saving it. Poor guy was telling me (a stranger this) so you know he had hurt. </p>
<p>I told my kids we would pay for in state schools. We have great schools here. If they wanted to go out of state, then they pay the difference. One did go out of state and so has some debt. If I end up helping with the debt, then I will consider paying for grad school for the other kid to make it fair.</p>
<p>a friend of mine’s daughter got a full ride to a state university. because they didnt have to pay tuition, they bought her a car. Cheaper than tuition. The other daughter, didnt get a full ride so parents had tuition. They said, we paid for your school which was more than a car and we cant buy car. Seemed fair to me… But not to the girl that didnt get the car. </p>
<p>Bottomline is kids have to take some ownership and responsibility. I paid half my tution while working, depite parents who had money. I never questioned it. But it made me a stronger person. kids these days get too much on a silver platter. So be fair and then if they really want it, they can get a loan. Not worth damaging relationships and causing people seek therapy for years. (and I am not saying $ for $…cause tution keeps going up, but similar schools…but really you have to determine whats best. I know two of my kids would not care, but one would)</p>
<p>Fair is not necessarily numerical equality, at least in my book. Those who weigh everything will always be uncomfortable because incomes, life situations and even health and opportunities can be quite fluid. </p>
<p>We have helped each of our kids get a good education and graduate debt free. It happens to be the same U. Both our kids are grateful that as a family we were able to make this happen without any whining from anyone. </p>
<p>This situation is simply one you and your spouse must make and be comfortable with. Remember you do no one any favors if everything is spent on remaining on kiddo two who doesn’t even have a plan and you jeopardize savings you will need for your and spouse’s later years.</p>
<p>When loans and investments are made there has to be a plan presented and approved. Doesn’t sound like younger kid has any plan other than whining you have to give me free choice because older kiddo attended dream U.</p>
<p>Most posts illustrate two different philosophical views ~ re: An adult of 18 (and some would say a child) should we attempt to mold/influence by a carrot and stick approach; or are they entitled to self-determination. For if entitled they should be supported equally without judgement.</p>
<p>We saved the same amount of money for each child and each child was told that their college education fund was x. Each chose a school with that information in mind. Older son turned down a full academic scholarship from one school for another state school that gave him a decent scholarship but he felt it was a better fit. Younger son chose to go to a good fit school with the best aid package. The only preferential thing we did was give the old family minivan to the bass player(younger son) because it’s the only vehicle that his instrument fits into. Older physics major got a newer ford focus. As long as the kids understand the reasoning, hopefully all will work out in the end.</p>
<p>Op,
How bout this?
Tell both kids that you are setting up their college funds equally and to cover the cost of in instate public with housing. The amounts over this will be a loan from you at zero interest. This will be retroactive to when kid 1 started college. Kid 2 starts college hopefully at IS public. Then later, privately, you can either “forgive” your kid 1 loan. Alternately, you can make another zero interest loan to kid 2 when she gets married or for a down payment for a condo. You can choose privately which loans you want to forgive to either child and the other child will not know.</p>