Siblings at the Same/Different BS - Andover/Exeter

Hi everyone,

I’m an older sibling for a rising freshman, and I would really appreciate input from parents whose kids attend(ed) the same/different boarding schools.

My sister received her acceptances today from various schools, and she is currently torn between Andover and Exeter (she loves both schools equally!). As I currently attend Andover, my parents believe that her transition will be easier at Andover, while attending Exeter will help her gain more independence.

To parents who were in similar situations – how did the relationship change between your children when they attended the same/different schools? What were the pros/cons of that arrangement? How did you co-ordinate travel during breaks?

Thank you!

I had a roommate at Exeter who was the oldest of 3 - she was at Exeter, the middle sister (2 years younger) was at Andover, and then the youngest sister (1 year younger than that) went to Exeter. My understanding was that it was somewhat challenging logistically having kids at 2 different schools, but for various reasons, it ended up being a positive experience. I’m sure the admissions office can put your parents in touch with families who navigated similar situations.

As a parent, I will say that logistically, life is much easier when your children attend the same school. It means that vacations and long weekends are the same, and there’s only one school to keep track of info at, including big events like Parents’ Weekend, etc.

So if I were your parents, and your younger sister likes Andover and Exeter the equally, I would have no qualms about saying Andover, because you go there. It’s a big campus and I doubt that she will be less independent because you go there.

That being said, I am also a believer in fit, and I have had my children in different schools, which were right for them. Again, it’s annoying as a parent when vacations and stuff don’t line up, but it’s worth it to me for each kid to get what they need.

My kids go to different schools but my second, my son, had a strong preference for the school he attends. He is quite different from his older sister so it makes sense that they would be drawn to different schools.

I realized I didn’t answer your question about sibling relationships and how attending the same/different school can change the relationship.

I think it probably depends a lot on the underlying relationship of the siblings and how much overlap they have in their interests and activities.

Andover is a big school and I think that it is very possible for siblings who are not close and have completely different interests and involvement in different activities and sports to not see each other very much at all. Or if they are close, they might see other frequently, and even potentially live in the same dorm at some point, depending on the age gap between you. But siblings who attend different boarding schools and are very close can still stay close if that is a priority to them as well.

But I think that sharing the same school definitely gives you more opportunities to support each other, like attend each other’s games and performances, and plan to have meals together, etc., and sharing the same school and having that in common between you can be a bond, although it won’t necessarily have that effect.

@AndoverKid257 all our 4 of kids attended the same BS-Exeter. What I can say is that although all of our kids are extremely close, they spent little time together at school. Our older 2 are a year apart and as we lived across the country, we encouraged them to have dinner a few times a month off campus together with friends. They played different sports and rarely made it to each other’s games as a result. It did make it easier for us of course when we came to campus and for breaks etc… Of course we had 2 younger kids with different school schedules we had to account for when planning family vacations etc…
When our next 2 attended PEA at the same time ( again a year apart)
we loosened up on the required dinners as they were just too busy with their respective lives. They saw each other occasionally, but usually when our daughter was hanging out with other guys in our sons dorms. They had a few of the same teachers- which our daughter hated as many had preconceived notions about her.
So in our experience, outside of being easier for us logistically, being at the same school didn’t deepen or lessen the sibling relationship. Financially there were benefits as PEA looked at what we could afford for our family and charged us appropriately regardless of # of kids attending.

We have lots of friends whose kids split up. Hun/Lville, George/Lville, George/ Peddie, and Hun/Pennington, Exeter/SPS. While some are just "normal " families, many are families in which a parent works at one of the schools. If someone who works in that environment would choose fit over convenience, there is probably a lesson there!

What happens to a sibling relationship may depend on what that relationship was in the first place as well as the school. The sibs at our school seemed really tight, and it often made the kids who were friendly with both feel like family. It seems like the friends of the elder sib often take the younger sib under their wing. But I say that as a parent, not as a student.

OP: I think that you & your parents have assessed the situation correctly. Nevertheless, I find it a bit hard to accept that your sister loves both schools equally as the locations & campus cultures seem distinctly different.

If your sister attends and graduates from Exeter & you graduate from Andover, you can open up a prep boarding school consulting practice together.

Only you, your sister, and your parents can answer most of your questions. FWIW both you & your sister attend different schools now–how has that affected your relationship ?

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all of the insightful replies! Regarding our relationship, we are very close. As I am quite a protective sibling, when we were at the same school (and even when I was away at BS), I made sure that everything was going smoothly. So I guess my biggest concern is that I might manage her life too much if she attended Andover because we have multiple overlapping extracurriculars/interests. But at the same time, I am worried that she might make mistakes if I am not there to guide her. Please feel free to weigh in.

Thank you!

You both might make mistakes!

You can still talk and provide advice even if you are at different schools. That closeness doesn’t have to change.

I can see her wanting independence from bring your younger sib and to be “on her own”.

Different schools could be great for both of you and for your relationship. I can say from experience that the dynamic that you have will not only get old, it’ll get in the way of your relationship evolving into one of amazing adult friendship. (I was the bossy older one, btw!)

I admire that you have thought so much about the dynamics of your relationship. This bodes well for both of you!

High school is the time to make mistakes. Isn’t it better she makes them now than when she’s at college?

You will only overlap for 2-3 years, right? Then she’s on her own!

Sorry, I should have said that I don’t think being at different schools has really changed my kids’ relationship. It’s pretty much as it’s always been.

@AndoverKid257 Our experience at different schools (Hotchkiss and Exeter) has been surprisingly positive. So many of these schools (BSs, private schools and JBS) seem to coordinate calendars, holiday and weekend breaks mostly coincide. Anecdotally, we have noticed that siblings at my kids’ schools don’t seem to hang out much anyway - everyone is so busy! We don’t attend too many sporting events anyway, so that might make it easier on us. IMHO, best to let kids feel like they were allowed full freedom in their decision. All the best!