<p>I picked the thread title up on the Parent Go Home thread. We moved our "only" into his dorm a week ago and attended all of the family activities at his LAC. So far, I have gotten two phone calls during our drive home that were detail related and several brief emails that were in answer to specific questions/info that I had. I am still waiting for the phone call that will tell me how things are going. After years of close conversations (initiated by him), I really miss not knowing about his new life. I had more contact with him when he was in Germany for three weeks a year ago but I am trying to tell myself that it is a good thing. He wrote from Germany to vent and now, hopefully, he doesn't need to vent. If he doesn't call soon, I will send a text/email strongly suggesting that we would like a brief update and that a once-a-week phone call is not too much to expect.</p>
<p>As an only, he rarely has shared a room for more than a few days. Even with his extensive travel with his friend, he had his own room. He did have a roommate for a week at volleyball camp but I doubt that that experience prepared him for sharing close quarters for a long period. When at home, he spends a lot of time alone in his room. When he spent 3 weeks in Poland with a friend, the parents wisely arranged for S to have time alone to recharge. His college roommate seemed to be a good match from our initial meeting and I think that learning to compromise will be one of the most important lessons that he learns in college. In one of the few emails that I have received, he said that he didn't want to keep his computer on because his roommate has early classes. I hope that shows that he is aware of others needs.</p>
<p>I am not moping around waiting to hear from him (although I have spent way too much time on CC, I did that before he left) and I am making plans to do things that I wouldn't or couldn't do while he was home. It has and will be a difficult transition for me.</p>
<p>Of course it’s hard. Especially when you don’t know what to expect regarding future contact.<br>
What worked for us with our son (daughter, at first, was more naturally communicative) is the request that he call us once a week at his convenience. We agreed that Sunday when he gets up would work well for both of us, and every Sunday we would get our weekly call. It helped knowing that we’d hear from him no matter what. He is a very low drama kid, and if we had waited until the “need” arose on his part, we’d probably only hear from him twice a year. </p>
<pre><code>I had no problem telling him that we needed to hear from him, for our own peace of mind. Even when he was at his semester abroad, he skyped us every Sunday. And this month he moved out of the house for work- most likely permanently, and we still got our Sunday phone call! So it’s a habit now, and we’re really glad we started it that first week in college.
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<p>So don’t wait-- ask your son to pick a day at his convenience and see how it works. It may seem forced at first, but I found that our son would save up whatever he needed from us until that day to talk about it, so it began to be something he looked forward to as well. My sympathies, however. It’s hard to see the last one leave, and in your case, the first and the last.</p>
<p>Our DD is an only child. But she has had 3 week summer programs for several years, and seems used to roommate issues, but of course thats only 3 weeks. </p>
<p>She is now in Israel (since Tuesday) and any roommate issues she has she will have to resolve herself, with help from Nativ staff, as we are too far to help.</p>
<p>I finally got a FB message from her, after over 48 hours of no contact. Of course at camp she sometimes forgot to contact us (she is ADHD) with less excuse. </p>
<p>This is much harder on us than on her. Though we will try to share her joy in all she is seeing and doing. And will try to do new things too.</p>
<p>I think it can be less about never having shared a room to more about introvert/extrovert. Although that being said, as an introvert and an only with no shared room experiences longer than a few weeks at a time, I had no problem adjusting to sharing a space. I did and will always need alone time but I found that by taking bike rides, walks, studying in quiet places but overall no issues hanging out with new people or sharing close living quarters. </p>
<p>I imagine though it is hard having an only go off to school because life does change to an immediate “empty nest” and can seem more like a sudden ending since the process of apps and deciding and getting them there is done once you drop them off. I know we had a “what now” feeling when we just dropped our oldest off a week ago and it’s been an adjustment even with 2 younger ones at home. It’s a transition for sure and finding new ways to spend time/focus energy can be a great way to balance your transition with his.</p>
<p>The sudden lack of contact can be the most disconcerting when you dropped off a child that stayed in very close contact when they were at home (I know this has been an adjustment for me with my D I just dropped off). But I know she really is happy where she is, she’s made new friends, likes her classes and I’m working on adjusting to hearing less but knowing she’s doing well. We’re not big phone people but we are texters so I’ve heard from her almost daily, I do like the idea of the once weekly phone calls though.</p>
<p>My only son made a fantastic transition to college. He’s now a junior, but I felt just like you do for weeks after he left for his freshman year. We have a great relationship and have always talked a lot, so I missed that. At some point, I think it was in the second semester of freshman year, the random, spur-of-the-moment cellphone calls, short and chatty, began. (Don’t worry. We did have contact before then!) Now he’ll call me, my H, or both of us to talk about what he’s cooking, make a “you won’t believe this” comment about a classroom experience, report on a good grade, or ask a question about any number of things. We’ve fallen into a comfortable communication pattern that feels just like I always hoped our relationship with our adult child would be. Sometimes we call him, too. (Though we are relieved we have not had to call with questions about our new flat-screen TV, which he set up for us this summer!)</p>
<p>Many only children have enormous inner resources that don’t fit the only-child stereotype (which I’ve always found annoyingly negative). Your son could discover that he’s happy to be around people his age 24/7, and the compromise that comes with sharing a room will not be a big deal. Give him time, and your old conversation patterns will return. Remember, too, that he’s not gone forever. They come home a lot! The foundation that you’ve built will last over the years. I’m fortunate to have several good friends with only sons in their 30s–independent, well-adjusted, with close friendships with peers. Their healthy relationships with their moms (and dads) warm my heart.</p>
<p>Try sending an occasional text or email. Nothing too nosy…just a short…thinking of you, hope classes are going well…call, email, or text when you have a moment…love, mom</p>
<p>Don’t expect a lot…boys can be minimalists. (heck, my H forgets to call his widowed mom unless I remind him.)</p>
<p>I think that you might be right about the introvert/extrovert. I was one of 7 kids and my son is an only. We both love being with people but both of us NEED alone time. I think that he will figure it out.</p>
<p>My husband is retired and I was laid off the day before I knew that I was pregnant and have not worked since then. We have made a very strong effort not to make S the center of our universe but he does creep into that position occasionally. A long time friend arrived for an extended visit and we are going away for the weekend, so I am not sitting around moping–at least not too much.</p>
<p>Since he has not done it, I am going to suggest that he pick a time to call us. I also told him that if he was too busy that he could call me on his long walk to class (his dorm is the farthest from the center of campus) but maybe he hasn’t done that because he is with friends. I will find out soon.</p>
<p>He’s off and running which means you did a good job. Put your energy into some great care packages he’ll have to call and thank you for.</p>
<p>With my first it was tough. By the third I was fully aware that no news meant they were having a blast which is what I want. I just accepted we’d catch up during breaks.</p>
<p>It’s time to do the things you always wanted to and to rediscover your partner.</p>
<p>I also go with the “are you alive?” texts. I get “yep”. That wasn’t enough for me fall freshman year, but it did help. The communication did get better starting about that Thanksgiving and has continued ok. </p>
<p>From cc threads, I also think it’s often a boy thing. If I really need to know something, I text the girlfriends, and then have always rec’d a rapid, long and detailed text. Ahhh, child #3 is a girl. I’m so hoping for good communication…</p>
<p>^ Agree, it’s the parent’s syndrome, not the kiddo’s.</p>
<p>I get occasional random calls or chats from mine. Texting him doesn’t help because he keeps his phone off most of the time. I’ve gotten used to it, and he’s gotten a little more frequent. Now that he has a year under his belt and has caught me up on what that year was like, I’m more comfortable with his long silences. I know what his days are like, more or less, and I can trust that busy is mostly good. The first half of frosh year was pretty hard to bear, though.</p>
<p>It’s brought me closer to my mom… I was an only too. ;)</p>
<p>We had a quick call from him yesterday while we were in the car driving to a wedding. I had sent him a text telling him of our trip and made a funny comment. He called me after his class to (a) tell me that he was in class when I texted (how was I supposed to know since he never gave me his schedule?!?!) and (b) comment on my comment. While he was talking, he was interrupted twice by voices in the background. He couldn’t talk long because he was on his way to sign up for music lessons and guess what, “I signed up for quidditch!” I felt much better even after such a brief call. I know that eventually things will settle down a bit and he will call us. In the meantime, I am pretty sure that he is adjusting well. I sent him an email last evening suggesting that he pick a time for a regular call and that Sunday morning might work.</p>
<p>It’s funny, our son was gung-ho to have roommates; he’s never really liked being an only and used to grouse about us not giving him any siblings until he got old enough to realize it might be a sensitive subject. Of course, now he’s in a forced triple with a top bunk and virtually no storage space. File under “be careful what you wish for.” At least his room at home was pretty small, so it’s not like he’s transitioning from a palatial space.</p>
<p>He’s been fine so far–in the first week we’ve had several calls and texts and a couple of facebook message exchanges, and now it’s starting to tail off, just as it should. I probably only called my parents once a month when I was in college, and if that’s how it ends up with him that’s fine with me, as long as he’s eating and sleeping and not flunking out.</p>
<p>I am also a parent of an only who is a HS senior this year. For the past few summers, he went away for 2-3 weeks at a time. After receiving the ‘I’ve arrived’ phone call from him, we rarely heard from him. I considered it a good sign. </p>
<p>This year, he called two hours after the ‘I’ve arrived’ phone call to say all the kids are terrible and none are like him. I asked how many kids were there. He responded 95 including him. I told him that it was hard to believe that there wasn’t one kid out of 94 that he could relate too. </p>
<p>When we didn’t hear back after five days, we called and emailed him. He said he didn’t call cauz everything was GREAT and he had met a super group of kids. No news in our house is usually good news.</p>
<p>That being said, I’m very used to our after school chats and dinner chats every day. I cry just thinking he will be gone next year, but this is MY problem. I know we’ll have to set a regular calling time if I expect to hear from him next year.</p>
<p>Good luck with that regular calling time. DS just finished his undergrad, DD is a sophomore. DD calls often, sometimes more than once a day, usually when walking somewhere alone. DS never called and my suggestion for a regular call time was largely ignore. We did both have blackberries and the bbm messaging would at least tell me if he had read my message so even if there was no response I was sure he was breathing somewhere…
My strategy was to develop new friendships and renew old friendships so that I had plenty of other people to chat with. Also took a part time job which involves working with tourists so I meet and chat with people from all over the world.</p>
unless you are a west coaster who sent son east!</p>