<p>anyone have experience/advice with how to help DS with this when he doesn't think he needs help and doesn't even want to talk about it.</p>
<p>DS and GF{one year younger} have been going together a bit over a year. she's not a bad girl, just abit spoiled and used to getting her own way. i am really worried that while he is there trying to get adjusted to a wonderful new life, she will be nonstop calling him etc. DS has never wanted a cell phone, now of course he does. I worry about the 24 hour access pulling him away from new people and experiences. </p>
<p>the major reason I am worried is because GF really isn't helping him make an easy transition. She has been VERY clingy yet also arguing for days. DS is only going approx. 45 min. away to cornell,but based on our finances he only has ONE shot at getting right at this school. We simply can't afford for him to be pulled away from what are now his new responsibilities.</p>
<p>I don't want this to sound too controlling because DS has about all the freedom he wants--it's just that I want so much for him that I can't bear to see him sidetracked by this.</p>
<p>I haven't said anything to him about this other than to remind him that he's not only at at school for academics--but he's living there for ALL of the experiences.</p>
<p>anyway--experience/advice??? thank you CC parents</p>
<p>I am not a parent but I am an adult. Firstly 45 minutes isn't "away" at school. The only requirement you can really make is the gpa. What your son does with his other experiences is on him. There are GF and then there are GF. I'd say one year isn't that long a a relationship but since you didn't introduce facts of life into this dicussion I shall leave that element out. I'd say your biggest need for discussion is the penalty in NY for his bringing her to campus for underage drinking. Know the laws on adult activity. I'd be much more worried about her presence in his dorm room for weekends than how many cell phone calls she makes. This too shall pass and I'd say that few HS love relationships survive much beyond the first year....and most less than that.</p>
<p>There are some things that people have to learn through experience, and this is one of them.</p>
<p>My advice is to be willing to talk -- if he approaches you and wants to talk about the situation. Otherwise, let him find his own way. I think that if you keep trying to actively help him with the situation, you'll just be ensuring that he will never want to talk to you about it.</p>
<p>If his relationship causes grade problems at Cornell, probably they'd let him take time off and then return. I doubt that they'd kick him out forever. The more competitive the colleges are, the more they are willing to let students return after having grade problems. That's because the students have a high school record of high academic achievements, so the colleges have every reason to believe in the students' potential and overall level of motivation to do well even if the students make some mistakes along the way.</p>
<p>i know that a high school relationship doesn't often last through college, but i have seen many kids become overly attached to the high school gf/bf as a way to hang on to the past a little longer. high school students need to experience high school activities. college students need to experience college student activities. it rarely ends well when these two get confused.</p>
<p>This is something they have to work out for themselves.</p>
<p>As someone who was in a committed relationship with a hometown boyfriend when I was in college (coincidentally, it was Cornell), I don't see why this relationship should prevent your son from taking advantage of worthwhile college experiences. He will be taking the same classes that his unattached friends take, and he can join the same extracurricular activities and attend the same campus events that they do. He's only really missing out on two opportunities: the opportunity to date other girls (which would happen in any event whenever he got involved with a girl), and the opportunity to attend alcohol-soaked parties when GF is visiting. (Hazmat is right; he has to keep her away from the booze when she's on campus.) I don't see this as any great loss.</p>
<p>Wow, your son doesn't have a cell phone. Yay i'm not the only one. lol. i'm like the only one at my school who doesnt :[</p>
<p>Um, I think as much as you want to, you can't try to control his life anymore. He's gonna do what he wants to do and if you say something about his girlfriend he might resent you. I think now you have to see what happens and stay out of it. He could be in love with this girl and if so, you shouldn't really dismiss it. And if they're not meant to be together, then they wont be and i'm sure he'll develop a fine social life either way.</p>
<p>Don't think there is much you can do except keep your fingers crossed that all will work out one way or another.</p>
<p>We went through this last year and it is still rearing its head occasionally now. S.'s younger GF at home called him constantly, had "crises" always when he was against the wall with papers/tests, and generally made his first semester miserable.</p>
<p>This situation tore me up, but there was nothing I could do except listen to him when he wanted to talk (which was usually 2am). Your son and his GF may handle everything fine and there won't be a problem at all. Give it time and let your son figure out what is going to work for him. As another poster said, make his academic standing your expectation and leave his social/emotional to him (be a safety net if he needs you).</p>
<p>DS and GF began dating between freshman and sophomore year of high school. DS's school is about 400 mi. away, GF is going to school locally. They are beginning their senior year of college and are still together. Not sure how it has survived, but both are pretty mature and focused on school/future career and both seem to be involved in their respective school's activities. Watch out for that first cell phone bill - DS's was close to $500. Needless to say, he needed to work over Christmas break to pay for that.</p>
<p>Have a brief talk about expectations and bills. Make it clear where your costs for school end and his begin. While it is folly to offer too much resistance towards a relationship on emotional terms, it is quite effective to let your son pay the costs of such a relationship himself. Finances usually snap someone's head back to earth. Things will work out.</p>
<p>On the big question, as everyone says, you have to let it go. For you, saying anything about this is lose-lose. Being right and $.50 will get you a small cup of bad coffee and a steaming heap of resentment -- which is about what being wrong will get you, too. It's way more important for you to be able to be there for emotional support when the break-up happens (or when there's a problem but no break up), and being in an I-told-you-so position could present a problem for you there, too. </p>
<p>But one practical consideration: When you get S a cell phone (you probably will; you will like it, too), make certain the plan works well with his expected use of it. Or, for the rest of you parents out there whose kids already have cell phones, review your plan and consider modifying it. Failing to do that cost us about $90 before we got it fixed, and there wasn't even any BF involved.</p>
<p>I suggest the son and GF have a heart-to-heart RE: socializing with new people. My DD left for school and BF was here in town. They broke up over where the boundaries were -- how long could she talk to a boy before it was flirting? Could she ignore his calls if she was out with friends? If he went out after his internship with people from the office, how many women were allowed, or should it only be the guys? How often was she expected to come home?
This is a time for growth. Maybe they'll both grow in the same direction, maybe not.</p>
<p>ADREW5449, if they felt it necessary to set boundaries as specific as that, no wonder they broke up.</p>
<p>When my boyfriend and I were at colleges five hours apart, it would never have occurred to us to set limits on how long either of us could talk to a member of the opposite sex or to inquire about the gender breakdown of any social group either of us went out with. Perhaps that is part of why our relationship survived.</p>
<p>D and her BF were in different places in their lives and the relationship was still pretty new. OPs son and GF are also on different planes. If the GF is indeed needy and spoiled now, how will she react when she hears about how great life is for the BF when she's still doing the same HS thing with people she's known for years? I just think it's something they need to talk about and maybe they'll rethink the whole thing on their own. Or maybe everything will be great and she'll really help him stay on track and help to keep him focused on the academics.</p>
<p>mkm56-- that is exactly the scenario i am apprehensive of.</p>
<p>thank you so much for all your ideas and experiences--it isn't that I wanted to do something--more like voicing my anxiety and wondering if i should say something.</p>
<p>i haven't said anything so far--and most certainly won't say anything directly about her. just more of a parent's concern--wanting the best experiences possible for my kids.</p>
<p>any way--i think i will keep my mouth shut and fingers crossed--it just helped to actually voice my concerns here. and to hear similar stories.</p>
<p>momof3,
I know it sure feels better to vent a little. My two best friends were so kind to put up with all my worrying and fretting (husband is more the type "you can't do anything, so why worry"). I wish the best for you and your son and all may work out fine, but we are all here to listen anytime!</p>
<p>On a happy note, my oldest son married his younger high school sweetheart last May after the two of them attended different colleges. They handled the whole college experience extremely well--many activities, did well academically, lots of friends of both sexes and after 7 years of dating and one year of marriage seem blissfully happy.</p>
<p>mkm56---DH and i dropped S off on friday. i didn't really cry except when DS said goodbye to 2 sisters that stayed at home. all 3 of them were really choked up. i think DS and GF kind of solved the problem for themselves--DS wouldn't talk about it and i didn't ask--but his next younger sister(junior in HS) said that GF was mean to him and broke up with him!! what a chrming girl to do this on the day before he left!!</p>
<p>i really hope there are no get-back togethers with this one. it would be hard for me to be civil to someone who treated my DS this way at an exciting yet anxious time in his life.</p>
<p>DS is room mates with his friend from HS and has met up with other people he knew from various academic programs--i say good ridance to this GF!!</p>
<p>THANK YOU to everyone for your insight and caring thoughts CCers are terrific</p>