Smart but Immature HS Senior who was more Concerned with Social Life than Grades - Admission Story

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I have been on these boards for a long time and often feel like a fish out of water. The majority of parents and students are so motivated and driven. I often wonder if there is anyone else out there with children who are smart but more worried about their social life than school work. I want to share our journey.

DS is a smart kid. Not brilliant, but smart - overall IQ of 126. He started freshman year in all Honors classes and made straight A’s except for Math, which was a B+. He was highly motivated and dreamed of going to a good college. We figured he was off to a good start. Then in 10th grade, still in Honors Classes, he slowly started to slip. His social life blossomed, had a girlfriend, and spent more time on his phone. We restricted phone use, and social activities were only on weekends. Yet even when he was studying, it was quick. He “looked things over” rather than “studied”. He ended the year with 2 A’s, 3 B’s, and 2 C’s.

Junior year was full of changes. We moved, and his new HS was very rigorous. His first semester resulted in 3 A’s, 2 B’s and 2 C’s. But he had worked hard, spent a week in the hospital, so we felt he did alright under the circumstances. All his teachers praised him for his dedication so we had high hopes for the next semester. And then bottom fell out. His social life took off, got a new girlfriend, and homework and studying were horrible inconveniences. Missing assignments, failed tests, and a poor attitude resulted in his second semester final grades with B’s and C’s, with only an A in his art elective.

So here we are in in senior year. We told him he needed to come out strong this semester. He didn’t, at least not at first. He did enough to get by but then dropped, and his first quarter grades yielded his first ever D, accompanied by B’s and C’s. It was then when he realized, “hey, I may not get into the colleges I want”. REALLY?? No kidding! He has worked hard this quarter to get his grades up, and semester exams begin today, but I’m afraid it’s too little, too late. He will end up with B’s and C’s.

DS spent little time on SAT prep, so his RSAT score was 1100 (610 cr, 490 math). He took it 3 times, all resulting similar scores. I can’t help but wonder how he would have done had he actually put some effort into it.

DS applied to 5 colleges, with his first choice being University of South Carolina. Second choice VA Tech (yes, I realize he won’t get in, but he needs to see that for himself). He also applied to VCU, George Mason, and Ole Miss.

DS still doesn’t fully grasp that the consequences of his decisions will likely result in a few denials. It will be a slap in the face, but that’s a good thing because he needs to wake up. He’s always been one who has to learn the hard way. I know that one day he will mature, and have no doubt that he will be successful when the time comes. It’s still hard, as a parent, to know that there could have been so many more good options for him, had he only spent a little more time studying.

That’s our story, I can’t imagine I’m the only one out here in CC land that has gone through this. I will update you all as we hear back from the colleges.

SB

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My best friend from my Michigan days had a son in your situation. He grew up thinking he was going to attend Michigan, but didn’t put in the needed effort. He was stunned (his parents weren’t) when he was rejected. He went to another college, recently graduated. I think he will be fine, but his mom says he still regrets not putting in more effort. Tough lesson, but some people need to get burned themselves rather than listen to others. But plenty of kids thrive and grow at a school that is not their first choice, too. My D1 did – didn’t get into Georgetown, attended Dickinson. Ended up having a great experience, is now glad she didn’t get into GTown.

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Oh, my youngest could easily go down this path! She’s in ninth grade. Any 20/20 hindsight advice?

Thanks for sharing.

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If he truly learns that painful lesson now (and still manages to get into college somewhere), he is ahead of the game. Some kids don’t come to that realization until college, when the stakes are higher. And we probably all know adults who still don’t seem to understand that their decisions have consequences. So breathe, and keep us posted.

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It’s hard not to regret what might have been. But in the scheme of life, a teenager who didn’t apply himself in high school really isn’t that bad. My S is in a similar boat (in his case, it wasn’t a girlfriend, but sports and gaming with his buddies that tanked his GPA) and yes, he has had some minor disappointments in the admissions process. But he is also lucky to have received wonderful offers from two schools that he likes and that we can afford, so I have chosen to focus on this and not spend any time thinking about the options he might have had. It is very freeing.

I bet your son is a happy, well-adjusted kid (or he wouldn’t have made so many friends after moving halfway through high school). When the regret starts to creep in, make a mental note of all his other great qualities and how fortunate you are to have him (and be sure to let him know it, too).

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What’s kind of sad is that a young person has to make these life-changing decisions when their brains are not even fully developed and their bodies are full of “other instincts” :wink:

What’s not sad is that people who get it together at all tend to do well, whether it is sooner or later. Next-door neighbor’s kid for example, who did not go to college from HS, got a restaurant job and partied all night after work (in the yard, that’s why I know!) and had a great time. Until one day she realized, “Hey I don’t want to wait tables my whole life”.

She finished her Ph. D. recently.

This can be hard to accept, but these relatively inconsequential life lessons are often the best things that ever happen to a young person, and lead to greater success in the future.

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I’m so sorry to have disappeared after my post, but a family emergency and busy holidays sidetracked me. I want to thank everyone for their kind responses. I realize that having an immature teenager is hardly rare, but sometimes it feels like it when I read these boards.

DS was accepted into George Mason, VCU, and Ole Miss. He was deferred by U of SC. We should hear from them and VA Tech by March.

DS does seem to be more concerned about his future now. I guess the reality of his final semester in high school has started to seep into his mind. His fall semester grades yielded 4 B’s and 2 C’s, which should bring down his 3.8 GPA fairly significantly. I’m starting to let go of “what could have been” and now realize that he will go where he is meant to be. His efforts, or lack of them, will weed him out of places and steer him towards others.

@PetraMC, if I could hit the rewind button, I would have had DS study much harder in middle school. He breezed through those years with A’s, and as a result, never learned proper study habits. He almost resents having to try hard, feeling that if the teacher would teach properly, he wouldn’t have to work so hard. That’s a mistake I will not make with my youngest, who is in 7th grade. He is also pretty smart but I make sure he studies, even if he knows the material inside and out. My middle son, who struggles academically, has always worked hard. He always had to, so he is used to it. Ironically, I don’t worry about how he will do in college, even with his 2.7 GPA.

Thank you for the words of encouragement. They helped more than you know.

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@sbgal2011 I read your initial post and felt like I was reading about my daughter!  All of the lecturing to her finally sunk in this week when she didn’t get into her top choice and some friends, who are hard workers, did.  I think it finally sunk in that you have to put forth the effort to get the reward. A good life lesson!  My hope is that she learns from this going forward in college and, most importantly, the working world. We, as parents, can only do so much. We can guide them, but in the end, they have to want it. For example, she had every opportunity to spend a great deal of time prepping for the ACT this past summer.  We offered to enroll her in an intensive program, get her a tutor to come to the house, etc. She said she will take the online courses that we paid for. She did not put in the effort online and it showed. She is on the lower end of being competitive for her other schools. I feel sure that had she put forth more effort, she could have been considerably more competitive. The boyfriend and her sports appeared to take priority at times and the grades reflected it.  She has been accepted ino some good colleges, but are waiting to hear from USC and CofC.  Keeping our fingers crossed!!

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@SCLADY12 Thanks for sharing your story. I keep telling myself that this hard-learned lesson is best to learn at 18, not 38! So hopefully they will learn at this young age so they can begin their adulthood with a better work ethic. Fingers crossed for you!

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Someone I know went to a community college while working and saving money and then managed to transfer to a good UC college, so everything worked out well.

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Just wanted to provide an update to my original post. DS was rejected from U of SC and waitlisted to Virginia Tech, which was surprising because I thought he would be flat out rejected. Nonetheless, he was very upset by both decisions. We eliminated Ole Miss as an option because of OOS tuition, leaving him with his bottom two choices, VCU and George Mason. He wasn’t happy about either choice but ultimately enrolled at George Mason.

DS is not at all excited about going to college next year. Well, he’s excited about leaving home and going out on his own, but not about that college. I’m hoping when he attends the Spring Preview Day in a couple weeks he will get more excited. We asked him if he would prefer to go to Community College but he doesn’t want to do that, so we told him to make excellent grades next year and maybe he can transfer. My gut tells me he will end up liking George Mason and will stay there, but maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part.

Such an anti-climatic feeling to all of this. While I knew this would happen, it’s a bit heartbreaking to see DS not excited about going to college. Most of his friends are pumped about going next year, and he’s feeling sorry for himself. His immaturity is driving me crazy/ Hopefully he will grow up soon, but if he doesn’t, he will end up back home going to community college. My patience is wearing thin as he blames anybody and everybody else for his poor choices. “I’m not a good test taker”, “my school is really hard”, “teachers are unfair”. That’s all we hear. I finally told him that many other kids did just fine at school so he needs to grow up, buckle down, and get with the program. We’ll see…

Perhaps next year I will come back to this thread and update how he is doing. Meanwhile, I have another son who is a Junior who will begin this dance next fall. I have learned a lot from DS#1 and hopefully we can navigate this process a little easier next year.

Thanks for listening