This is a thread to discuss what if your child isn’t going to college? This is not a gap year. College is not on the horizon at this point. Once I let go of college for this particular child, our family has never felt so relaxed. This is a really great, positive move for us.
However: This how my conversations go with my friends. Everyone in my peer group, their kids are applying to colleges and getting in, many to highly selective schools including Ivies. They’ve been working toward this goal literally since birth. NOT going to college is unthinkable.
Me: My lovely child isn’t going to college
(stunned silence)
Them (nodding, knowingly): Ooooh, you mean a gap year.
Me: No I mean a lot longer than that. A lot longer. Like a lot. A lot a lot.
Them: (thick stunned silence)
(Another beat of silence the texture of a Knox gelatin square)
Them: Well . . . .college isn’t for everyone. (gears visibly crank in their heads about how my family is probably a little odd anyway . . . so . ,. .)
What about the response: Wow! How exciting! What does (child) plan to do?
Or: Cool! What made (child) all decide this?
Because the truth is–it is very exciting. We realized that the child has a chance to explore the world and work and figure out what (child) is interested in before having to pay back school loans. College is always out there waiting for you. What a revelation!
The response ‘how exciting’ might be appropriate if you gave them information to be excited about. If you said he’s not going to college but will be starting a job, making music, interested in travel, then it is exciting. If you say he has no plan, no ideas, how can that be exciting?
I think you have to provide information on what he will do and not let people image that he has no plans at all. I know many people who do get a ‘That’s great’ when they say they have plans - military, sports, music, trade school - that don’t involve college.
I had this happen once when I was starting to look at schools with my oldest. Mentioned to a casual friend we were looking and she said her S wasn’t really college material. He didn’t have any specific plans at the time so it is hard to know what to respond. I believe college isn’t for everyone, but would not have thought to say ‘cool’ or ‘how exciting’. I’m sure it was hard for her as a parent in our school district where 95% of the kids go on to some form of higher ed. I agree with twoin, that perhaps you should say more than ___ isn’t going to college.
At my church, they have a program for “adopting” kids who are in college, sending them care packages, etc. One kid who enlisted in the Army after high school is included with the rest. I was pleased to see that.
Usually when I ask the question “What is your child doing after graduation?” the answer is something along the lines of “XYZ is working at ABC doing 123” or “XYZ is traveling.” or even “XYZ is working for now, taking time to figure out what he wants to do”. I don’t think anyone ever answered “XYZ isn’t going to college.” That would be a conversation stopper.
Depending on who you are talking to? If to a group of plumbers and landscapers, I bet the response would be much more “positive”. To people who didn’t think not going to college at all was an option for them and their kids (not necessarily rightfully so), it’s just an unusual situation they need to come up with an appropriate response to. Everyone has limitations and live in their own bubbles so to speak. We smile and nod a lot in life but not always to obnoxious comments.
My friend’s son was always working on cars and motorcycles. After high school he went off to study to become a diesel mechanic. He was back in the work force in about a year, making really good money. His goal is to eventually own one of those big-rig tow trucks. If he ever feels like he needs to go to college, there’s a CC & a Cal State campus in town.
I think since you have not offered up what he will be doing after graduation, they may assume it might be a touchy topic and stray away from it out of politeness. On the other hand, if you were like “My son is going to start an apprenticeship with blah blah blah or looking into the field of blah blah blah” people might be willing to inquire further and get excited about it
My S’12 left college after a year. His HS classmates are seniors in college now so if I haven’t seen someone in awhile they will ask what he plans to do “after graduation”.
Then I get to explain that he’s not in college - so I feel you, @Dustyfeathers .
But S’12 is a very talented musician, much in demand, plays with 3 different bands and gets paid well for a rock musician. He’s also working with two locally owned restaurants as a cook, and has learned a ton about the restaurant business. When I run into anyone he works with/for, or who has seen him play, they positively gush about his talent. He is undoubtedly where he should be right now. So when people ask and I get that blank look, then explain what he’s doing, they get it.
So I agree that what he is doing, or plans to do, is a better answer than what he’s not doing.
Also wondering how or why the OP knows that this student will not be going to college ever, or at least for “a lot a lot” of years. Perhaps the listeners are wondering too, which adds to the oddness of the conversation.
Similar situation here except that our son did start off with a gap year. He always handled it really well. Though it took me some time to get used to the idea, he’s made me a believer. Doing really well - best decision for him.
I used to always ask people what their seniors were doing, mainly because it’s fun to keep up with kids who you watched grow up. But now I’m a little more sensitive, realizing that some people may or may not want to talk about it. I just ask how the (adult) child is doing.
Congrats to your child on finishing high school, and starting the next step - I wish you all much happiness.
I actually do think it’s awesome. I live in an area where the great majority of students attend 4 year schools right out of HS. I know of at least a few who spent a lot of money finding out that they really weren’t any more interested in college than they were in high school, but felt pressured to " go away to college". The students I’m thinking of ended up going into the military or into a vocational school, did very well and are happy.
I think you should mention a little about what your child’s plans are though.
College is way too expensive for kids who aren’t ready or interested to attend out of inertia, or just to fulfill the expectations of their peers, parents, school, or neighborhood. So I applaud you for embracing your son’s choice to explore other options and hold off on deciding whether college might be in the picture at some later point or not. IMO it demonstrates good parenting to let kids set their own pace and make their own decisions once they have finished high school. So don’t feel like you have to explain his choice in an apologetic or defensive way. Just describe it as a sensible decision, make it clear he has your support, let people know what he is doing or planning if that is relevant, and if they still seem flustered about what to say, just ignore it.
I’m curious what your child’s plans are. The DH and I were just discussing the future of one of our kids, who is hoping to get into a pretty selective trade school. This school was always my dream for him, but he really hasn’t put in the effort academically over the years to assure he has a serious shot at admission. (Requires taking the ADVIS.) He’s telling people if he doesn’t get in, he’s planning on “college” somewhere else. I’m not prepared to invest a lot of money in college for a kid who has never taken academics seriously, smart or not. We’ve talked about various trade programs and, depending on how he does on the ADVIS, may suggest he take a look at the military.
Unless the child has a large trust fund, I think it’s really important to have SOME kind of plan if the student isn’t ready or suited for college. The years can slip by very quickly. But I agree wholeheartedly that college is NOT for everybody!
As other say, there is a difference between “IS NOT going to college” and “IS going to work”.
Does your son have any area of interests? Because I have seen some of my daughter’s friends sort of take a CC course or two, get a job as a bus boy, but then lose that job, and then…not really doing anything because they “don’t know what they want to do”
If your child is living at home after HS graduation, I would set expectations up front on
Rent
If you pay for cars, insurance, cell phones, etc
Helping around the house
Expectations for looking for jobs
How long will you support them if they don’t get a job
I had a similar experience, except that my oldest went through 2.5 years of college and then dropped out. She has been gainfully employed ever since, and hasn’t so far felt the need to go back and finish up. However, I felt very funny discussing it with people when they asked how she is doing, because I felt that her leaving college might seem like she didn’t do well in her classes and flunked out, whereas that wasn’t the case at all. She simply didn’t see the purpose of continuing at an expensive private school when she preferred to be out in the workforce, so she withdrew. Admittedly her dad and I were very upset for quite awhile. It really helped in conversations with others that we were able to say that within 2 weeks of leaving school she was employed full-time, and people always responded enthusiastically to that information. But my guess is that, until some time passed and I could honestly get some excitement and pride in my voice when talking about it, people were probably a little put off and unsure of what to say. My point is, if you sincerely feel it was a good decision on your son’s part and are solidly behind his decision, let that show when you speak to people about it!
