<p>No good deed goes unpunished. Just a thought.</p>
<p>surfette, I have rarely read a thread which contains as much good, common sense and experience as this one does. Read Curm's posts again, slowly. Read the others, slowly. They're all right.</p>
<p>Do you have a boyfriend? Imagine that your boyfriend cheated on you, and you caught him. He promises he'll never do it again, and you believe him. Then he cheats on you once more. You find out about it from a girlfriend (and you would. "Just"aMom, in colorful language, described what sounds to me like a realistic scenario.). Now, tell me: would you ever be able to believe the boyfriend ever again?</p>
<p>Don't do this to your relationship with your parents. You love them, and they love you. But if you lose their trust this badly, as you will when they hear all this from others, won't that be much more painful than a couple of days of mad?</p>
<p>my personal opinion...if you really wanted to know about the jurisdiction and if the police would really keep calling and stuff you should've posted in high school life or something OF COURSE A BUNCH OF PARENTS (parents forum) ARE GOING TO TELL YOU TO TALK TO YOUR PARENTS BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY'D WANT THEIR KIDS TO DO....</p>
<p>
BINGO! Because it's the responsible thing to do, and surfette claims she wants to be more responsible.</p>
<p> [quote=surfette] I really do think that I will be able to change my ways though because I am actually really excited to start being more honest with my parents and more focused on my school work.
Don't just say it, surfette ... live it!</p>
<p>I know you didn't. Making a comment for readers, so they understand the consequences.</p>
<p>This is a college forum, which means that most of the students here are gifted with understanding, caring parents - parents who pay for their kids' college must obviously be understanding and caring, right? And any parents who are actually members of this forum must be doubly understanding and caring, right?</p>
<p>We are making assumptions here about surfette's parents. Hopefully, they ARE caring and loving, in which case coming clean and getting their support is definitely the right move.</p>
<p>However, not all parents are like that.</p>
<p>My own parents were NOT understanding or caring. I actually told my mom about some of my indiscretions and it was a big mistake. My parents were abusive and self-righteous and did not care at all about what was best for me; they only cared about their holier-than-thou image and dogma.</p>
<p>(I am a 46-yo mom now, btw)</p>
<p>Here is my advice, surfette:</p>
<p>If you feel confident that your parents LOVE you and are willing to communicate with you and be supportive (even if they punish you), then come clean and tell them. You would then know that any punishment they mete out is intended to help you stay clean; they only want what is best for you.</p>
<p>OR, if you honestly are not certain whether you will realistically be strong enough to stay clean yourself, then come clean and tell them, even if they are NOT caring and loving, simply because you need their support to STAY clean. Trust me, not everyone who has good intentions at staying clean actually does so. Better to endure punishment if it will keep you on the right path.</p>
<p>HOWEVER, if your parents are completely unreasonable to the point of being abusive, AND you honestly believe that you are strong enough to stay clean even months down the road when all your friends are indulging and laying on the pressure...then you need to do some serious soul-searching and weigh out what would really be accomplished by telling your parents.</p>
<p>DO tell SOMEONE. But, it doesn't necessarily have to be your parents. If your parents are not loving and caring, then find an adult who IS, who can be your advocate and help keep you on track. Get someone to help you stay clean. </p>
<p>I am in agreement with the gist of the advice offered by most of the others in this thread. I am just pointing out that the adult confidant need not necessarily be the parents.</p>
<p>Ideally, tell your parents. But, we can't necessarily assume that everyone's parents care. Unfortunately, there are some who don't.</p>
<p>BTW, here is the world's absolute best anti-drug book:</p>
<p>Wonderland Avenue, by Danny Sugerman</p>
<p>I read it with my son when he was 14, and he became Straightedge after that. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED! I now buy extra copies and give them to all his druggie/alchie friends.</p>
<p>Check out my review of it on amazon.com. I am lealdragon</p>
<p>(NO, they don't pay me a commission to sell their book. It's just really that effective, because it's decadent enough that the teens actually will read it, and it's more effective than parent's sermonizing because this guy actually LIVED IT. See, they will believe someone who actually did all that stuff, as opposed to their parents who preach against the pitfalls of alcohol and drugs but won't admit to ever having done that stuff themselves)</p>
<p>
But some of us do admit things like that while we are dishing out the advice. </p>
<p>But your point is a valid one in the instances that it applies, abusive parents. I just hope the OP doesn't consider parents who punish bad acts as per se abusive.</p>
<p>WOW...thanks for all of the great advice. I really appreciate it. </p>
<p>I haven't told them yet....and I haven't decided what to do. </p>
<p>You weren't kidding about being paranoid about every phone call...it's killing me. I'm so stressed out and school isn't helping matters. </p>
<p>I really do want to tell them and I know that they love me, but (and i hate to sound cliche) they just don't understand. </p>
<p>My mom grew up in a very religious home where partying was not tolerated...or even considered. She has told me that she waited until her twenties to have sex and that she didn't drink until she was 21 and that she just doesn't understand why kids my age get involved with that kind of stuff. She is very naieve about what kids these days do. For example...she recently told me that I should be careful because I am at the age where people might start trying pot...I was offered pot for the first time in 8th grade. She also has started warning me about the parties that may go on at college....but 4 months ago I attended my friend's 2 kegger that only ended after the cops showed up twice. When she found out about me attending a party she didn't even bother to ask me if I tried anything because she knows that i'm "a smart girl who would never get involved with that stuff". </p>
<p>My dad is totally different. He moved out of the house when he was 16 and lived a "hippy" life until he met my straight edge mom. About a year ago I found a pipe and some green stuff in his drawer. At the time I was positive that it was marajuana, but I recently went back to it (it was still there!) and it didn't really smell like it. When I found it the first time I couldn't stop crying but I didn't tell anyone about it. I lost all respect for him and it kinda turned into a "if you can do it, so can I" thing. I know...VERY immature, but I was shocked. </p>
<p>So yeah, my dad MAY be more understanding but he's not always reliable. AND he's very stubborn and doesn't do discussions. </p>
<p>So now I'm back where I started. Things are SO good with my parents right now, and I really don't want to mess it up. I wish I had someone to talk to but I can't trust any teachers or counselors at shcool because they'll probably report it. Sigh............. it's been a rough week :(</p>
<p>P.S....
yeah i know i've made some pretty crappy decisions...i'm sure the kegger will be brought up...but this is the first time that I've realized how dangerous drinking is. I have a great future ahead of me and I don't want to screw it up.</p>
<p>Surfette, is it possible for you to talke to your mom without volunteering that you were drinking at first? Just to say that something happened that was upsetting to you, and explain that you were out with friends and your friend had been drinking and she passed out, and talk about you took her to the hospital how worried you and your other friends were. If your mom is as naive as you say, then she might not immediately make the connection between your friend drinking and YOU drinking -- after all, she didn't make the connection when she learned about the party with the kegger. She will ask questions of course, but when she asks that will give you a chance to break the news slowly. You don't have to give more details than necessary at first. When she asks if you were drinking, before you answer you can ask her, "how would you feel about it if I did?" </p>
<p>I am not suggesting that you lie to your parents -- please don't! -- but I think you can start a dialogue in a way that you can break the news gently to your mom, and try to get her talking about how she feels to get a sense as to how to divulge the information. If you say something early in the conversation about how the experience makes you now understand how right your mom was about waiting until age 21 to drink, it might be easier for her to accept that you made a mistake. </p>
<p>It doesn't sound like you are afraid of your parents being abusive (like lealdragon suggested) -- it sounds more like you are upset because you know that the news will be so disappointing to your mom. But then it really is better that she find out from you than from a call from someone else.</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <blockquote> <p>I know I won't drink for the rest of my time in high school but I can't guarentee that I will be able to skip out on all parties (especially grad parties). Unless a parent locks their child in their room, it would be very hard to stop a kid from going to a party.<<<</p> </blockquote> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>Surfette, I found this quote from you very interesting. You are correct, of course, in that PARENTS can't stop their children from drinking, doing drugs, or attending parties where drugs and drinking are present. But, here's what you fail to see: YOU can stop yourself from drinking, doing drugs, AND attending parties or concerts where drugs and drinking are going to be consumed by people you know. No one FORCES you to attend these parties, no one FORCES you to be friends with these people, and no one FORCED you to drink or do drugs in the past. It is a CHOICE you, yourself, make.</p>
<p>I know it may seem to you that "everyone" drinks, does drugs, or goes to parties where those sorts of behaviors occur, but that simply isn't the truth. There are plenty of kids who make other choices, and they even have fun on grad night. Beyond the issue of telling your parents about recent events (I too think you should come clean), you might want to think about whether you are the type of person who will continue to go along with the crowd (and I don't believe for a minute that you will "never" drink again, especially if you continue to hang out with "best friends" who consider that "normal" behavior ) or you can forge a new, stronger path for yourself. Either way, the CHOICE is entirely YOURS. So, choose: What type of person are you? One who feels trapped by circumstances or one who is in control of her life and choices? Both roads have upsides and downsides, but one road leads to adulthood and the "great future" you envision for yourself, the other to a continued round of uncomfortable circumstances.
The choice, my dear, is yours.</p>
<p>By the way, lest anyone think I am lecturing you without personal knowledge of the situations you're facing, I will admit that I went through very similar experiences as you, both in high school and in college, and I, too, had many uncomfortable nights of wondering what would happen if my parents "found out," not to mention many hangovers. </p>
<p>Eventually, however, I grew tired of waking up in the morning, shuddering with the memory of awful situations I'd gotten into the night before (or worse, not remembering what had happened). I realized that partying wasn't really all that fun and that it was actually keeping me from accomplishing many of the goals I had for myself. I, too, told myself that I'd just attend the parties and not drink or do drugs, but you know what? Sober, I could see that really, hanging out with a bunch of drunks wasn't that much fun either. I found other friends, picked social situations that didn't involve drunken revelry, and started making a different sort of life for myself.</p>
<p>In life, there are two kinds of people: Those that make mistakes, learn from them, and then find the courage necessary to head in a different direction. And, those that make the same sorts of mistakes over and over and over again, hoping that somehow things will turn out differently the next time around. Neither is an easy road to walk, but ultimately, everyone must decide what type of person they will be.</p>
<p>Carolyn, well said! I agree completely that surfette needs to think about who she is and what her values are.</p>
<p>My son (almost 18) decided to be Straightedge and is really disgusted because his friends, whom he used to hang out with and play video games with, have discovered new friends - Jack Daniels and Mary Jane. He says that at parties he is the only one who is sober and 'in control of his faculties.'</p>
<p>(the 'parties' used to be gaming parties, but have turned into drug/alcohol parties.)</p>
<p>He said that it did not really bother him to be around his partying friends, but it seemed to bother THEM that he was not participating. </p>
<p>He told me the other day 'Mom, I need new friends.' I wholeheartedly agree! He hasn't gone to any of the parties lately. He's feeling bored and sad that he has lost his friends. So, surfette, I can understand that it's not easy to make a stand on something that might alienate you from your friends. I told my son to hang in there until next week when school starts. (He is homeschooled and attending the community college as a dual-credit student, intending to transfer to UT Austin next year. Yeah, I know that just won #1 'party school' but it's so huge that there are numerous subcultures that don't do drugs/alcohol so he should be fine.) And I will say the same to you: it may SEEM like 'everyone' does drugs (I include alcohol as the most insidious drug of all) but I assure you that is NOT true. There ARE people in your school who have some sense. You just need to find them! </p>
<p>You might try checking out the Straightedge subculture. My son is a part of that (online anyway) but since he's not in a school they are few and far between. But there might be some at your school. You'd be surprised. I'm not saying to instantly dump all your friends. But, you might try expanding your social life and finding some new friends, and then you might find that your interests and activities naturally change to accomodate your newfound values.</p>
<p>tell your parents. they won't care about the drinking as much as the fact that you are lying (by omission) in not telling them. my parents found out i drank two and half years ago; while they didn't approve, they know a big part of our (new orleans) culture is drinking. rather than unsuccessfully trying to stop it, they just try to make sure i don't drink to excess and drive while drinking. if you tell your parents, you'll get in trouble, but who knows? maybe in a week or two your dad and you can throw back a few. all i know is that lying is worst thing you can do. good luck.</p>
<p>Surfette - three thoughts:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>The cover up nearly always gets you in more trouble than the crime. (For those of us who remember, see Watergate.) That's the reality behind what most of the posters are telling you. You aren't going to change that reality just by wishing it were not so. Sorry, but that's the truth you asked for. You just have to deal with it instead of denying it.</p></li>
<li><p>Bad stuff happens -- it's what you do about it that counts, that reveals and builds your character. This is your chance to choose between doing the right, but hard thing, and doing the wrong thing that will eventually be even harder. Doing nothing is doing something in this situation. So stop pretending that things are good with your parents when you are living in fear of whether and when and how they will find out. Is this really so "great"?</p></li>
<li><p>The job of parents is sometimes to set limits that prevent you from finding yourself in situations like the ones you have experienced. Telling your parents may let you off the hook in some surprising and relieving ways. You can blame us for not being able to go to the next New Year's party where parents won't be home. We're happy to take the heat, from you and your friends, if we think it's what is in your best interest. And for most parents, that is truly the only thing we care about -- what is in your best interest. You're not likely to find someone else whose primary mission in life is to help you, Surfette. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>So, give them a chance to show the love that you obviously have for them, or else you wouldn't be so worried. Perhaps start with the more understanding dad? Perhaps write a letter so you can get it all down before they respond? </p>
<p>Then let them say no to future parties that you find it hard to decline. No problem. That's our job sometimes.</p>
<p>Surfette:</p>
<p>Since this is a parent's forum, I will quote you a very old saying.</p>
<p>"Cowards die a thousand deaths, a brave man only one".</p>
<p>You are experiencing daily small deaths, worrying and so forth.</p>
<p>Tell your parents and start living the rest of your life, this incident will soon be history and you will have demonstrated so many positive attributes that being brave will only be one of them.</p>
<p>However, if you would rather continue your daily agony well then wallow in your misery and I am sorry to say well you can read that old but true saying about brave men and cowards.</p>