<p>D. calls / emails almost daily since it is getting closer for her to apply to Grad. schools. I always have fun talking to her and she has matured so much at college, even by her own assessment. I feel so connected and very connected to my S’s family, he is keeping us informed of what is going on. Granddaughter is going thru Middle School applications - she can choose between 5 of them (if she gets accepted, some are very selective). Everything is very exciting, I am sending pictures of my pottery to everybody, my pieces are flooding my home, everybody is advising to start selling. I do not like this activity, have no time, but I have much more than my friends are willing to accept as presents, something will need to be done soon. Do not have any “Empty” feeling in my heart. Just praying every day that tomorrow will be the same as today in regard to jobs, health…</p>
<p>My S is a senior heading out, and D is a soph at college. I have puppy #2 on the way- D told me I’m replacing kids with dogs. Yes! Finally free weekends for agility, herding, obedience and other dog activities!</p>
<p>RaichelAnn and wbow, I’m very sorry to hear about how you are feeling and will offer a couple of suggestions. Feel free to ignore everything I say, as I don’t know you, but my intentions are good. </p>
<p>My son wrote a fascinating paper on why religious people are happier. It turns out that however you measure religiousness (religiosity) and even in countries outside the US, people who are religious report higher measures of subjective well-being. Catholics and Jews are less happy than other religious groups, perhaps not surprisingly, but it wasn’t obvious to me that the general result would be so strong. But, the important thing is that religious participation provides community, activities that enable one to be generous, a sense of greater meaning, a push to healthier habits, and on an on. One can find most of these separately, but to find them easily, religious groups make it easy. I’m not a religious person and can’t advocate joining a group whose beliefs you don’t share, but if you are not religious, I’d be willing to be that if you found a spiritual group or a religious group whose beliefs are easy to deal with (e.g., from the outside, Unitarian Universalists’ beliefs seem pretty benign), you will likely find comfort that will not distract you but help you. You’ll have the opportunity to help others and experience things with others (both of which tend to make people happier). </p>
<p>I’d also suggest meditating. It also turns out that people who meditate regularly have more brain activity in the areas associated with positive feelings and happiness and less brain activity in the areas associated with negative feelings and depression. If you join a spiritual group that meditates, you’d kill two birds with one stone. Any way, best of luck.</p>
<p>I have a College Junior D, College Soph S and soon to be College Freshman. We live overseas so they all school away. As wbow said…it’s not what to do with my time…I too can’t bear to think that life without the kids regularly in it is going to be the new norm. Everyone I have spoken to says it will take a few years to adjust…we’ll see…right now I do not like my life…but I will put one foot in front of the other and keep going. We skype regularly so there is plenty of contact but…it’s not the same and never will be again. That’s sad for me.</p>
<p>“right now I do not like my life…but I will put one foot in front of the other and keep going.”</p>
<p>It’s important to not only keep going, but to start going in some kind of new direction to bring the joy to your life that you’re missing. </p>
<p>Some quotes that may be inspirational as you create your path to happiness.</p>
<p>"Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself.”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson </p>
<p>“The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mode of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up.” ~Charles L. Morgan</p>
<p>“The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.”
– Albert Ellis quotes </p>
<p>“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
–Albert Einstein </p>
<p>“It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.”
– Dale Carnegie</p>
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<p>Here I am, drinking my early morning coffee, ready to take my daughter off to 7:30am activities, and I look at this post and think, whoops, I logged into the young widows board, but no, this is college confidential. If you are looking for inspirational quotes and stories about rebuilding the rest of your life, tons of them over there.</p>
<p>In the worst moments of missing them, you have to remind yourself to be grateful to have the sort of relationship with your children that does cause pain when they are absent. A lot of parents can hardly wait. A lot of kids can hardly wait. Those are the people who I feel sorry for. Take some pride in the pain you are feeling. It means you’ve put 100% into being a great parent . . .and it’s going to take time to get your bearings now.</p>
<p>Thank you for the inspirational quotes and words of comfort. I know, I know…but my brain and my heart are not working in tandem…but this too shall pass. Thanks Northstarmom and sewhappy.</p>
<p>Our third and last child is getting ready to graduate, has been accepted to her #1 school and is meeting people online already and can’t wait until orientation. I am SO excited for her. I will rejoice in her achievements and the quest for her own new life. However, when I’m alone, I already miss her and have a lot this year as she’s been very busy and on several trips. In one of the early posts in this thread it’s the anticipation of them leaving. I think that might be true. As a mom, I am so focussed on making lists and making sure she’ll have everything etc etc etc. Then my intellect kicks in and says…wait, mom, you’ve prepared her. She’s a bright girl with a good head on her shoulders and she can problem solve! It’s going to be painful, for sure, but it’s what we’ve been doing for the last 18 years ~ getting ready for this moment. This moment just came faster than I expected.</p>
<p>So treasure all of the firsts, remember all of the in betweens, and celebrate all of the lasts. They are and we’ve done a darn good job. We need to be proud too!</p>
<p>Sewhappy, that is a very good point. We must have had something to miss them so very much. My youngest went off to school in 2005 and I still find myself at loose ends. I did start a part time job which helps and after spending a year cleaning out closets, etc, I now have a new project–genealogy (nothing like getting back to your roots to help you feel connected!).</p>
<p>And yes, these boards and others have helped too. In the last year I got on fb and have had fun reconnecting with old high school and college friends.</p>
<p>On a lighter note, I know two moms who overcame empty nest pain by simply following their kids to college. One drives 150 miles to her son’s campus at least twice a week and spends the day and runs errands for him and is just hovering. The other flies into the city where her son attends college and spends a long weekend every three or four weeks. It seems to work for the moms, but I’m not sure about their kids!</p>
<p>^^^Ewwwwwww. Creepy.</p>
<p>Well, I don’t like the word “creepy.”</p>
<p>I do think these moms are overdoing it. But what fascinates me is that their kids put up with it. If I tried it with my kid at college, he’d put me on lockdown.</p>
<p>I am going to clean it! And paint it!</p>
<p>The most one of D’s friends mom’s does is fly over twice/term. Once to drop off/pick up D & once in the middle of the term, just to enjoy the city (LA has tons to do & offer), oh & of course, there’s Christmas break too. It would be weird to me if I knew of parents who hovered so closely to their kids’ universities. It really doesn’t sound healthy for mom or student.</p>
<p>What helped me when I was very low, after moving home and ending a long term relationship that I thought might be leading to marriage was looking outward. My heart was broken, but I looked around and found someone who needed me–actually she just needed someone who cared (happened to be my newly widowed grandmother). Every time I started feeling sorry for myself, I would go and visit her and we’d do things to take her mind off from herself and her woes. In those months, we helped each other greatly and I never knew until much later how much these visits and contact meant to her. For my wedding a few years later, she flew down from Sacramento carrying a boxed set of china and gold flatware. She also gave me the two Hawaiian quilts she had lovingly handstitched!</p>
<p>To nurse an earlier heartbreak in college, I had thrown myself into volutunteering (it happened to the the campus YWCA). I was in their Exceptional Friendship Program, where I was paired with a young girl who was in a wheelchair. I co-chaired their Board of Directors and was on their national steering committee. I filled a lot of other people’s needs and while I was at it, made peace with myself and grew. It attracted wonderful people into my life.</p>
<p>It really is healing and therapeutic to help others. You can really loose yourself and mend holes in your heart and spirit that way. It also helps you see the strength and resiliancy all around you in people overcoming adversity and you being a part of the solution. You can call your local United Way office or other social service agency and find out what organizations are in your community that can use your skills. </p>
<p>My aunt taught older people to read. My friend’s grandmother took in foster children. Another friend fosters kittens and cats. The world is out there and could really use your skills, thereby lightening the ache in your heart. Please consider giving it a try–you have a whole lot to offer and gain by trying.</p>
<p>Sewhappy,</p>
<p>I know two moms who do exactly what you mention above. One actually drives from NY to Boston twice/month to go ‘help’ her daughter. She mentioned to me that she goes up there to clean her DD’s room and to do her laundry etc. Her DD is pursuing a Masters degree by the way. So, she is way past being a grown up. In this case, I truly believe that it’s the Mom who is emotionally needy. Guess what was the consequence? Her DD just announced that she plans to pursue a PhD in Europe! A nice way, to escape from her helicopter mom, wouldn’t you agree? The DD is going so far away that her mom will have absolutely no luxury of following her every other weekend.
You can imagine how rattled this mom is with her DD’s decision to go to Europe.</p>
<p>The other Mom drives ~150-200 miles every weekend to bring frozen vegetarian dinners to her DS who is in med school. In this situation, I feel it’s quite OK because her DS does not have the time to cook on his own during med school and the Indian vegetarian food he is used to eating is not available at the Albany med school’s cafeteria. I see nothing wrong in this situation.</p>
<p>So, my take on this is - one can not judge without knowing all details about each situation. In some cases, it is justified. In some, it may not be justified. In any case, it’s “their” life. As long as they are not expecting any help from others to meet their purpose, it’s their life to live. The consequences are theirs alone to experience.</p>
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<p>Always so wonderful to encounter the miracle of someone withholding judgement, practicing tolerance, being nuanced in their thinking. </p>
<p>We’re all just trying to cope, after all. Even in the first “bad” example the parent couldn’t have been completely awful in their hovering because the child did have the gumption to move to Europe! </p>
<p>The empty nest is no picnic, that’s for sure. Not there completely but do have my youngest driving now and very self-assured. It’s so hard. . .</p>
<p>I also am going thru the same. I was a stay at home mom and I think we have it worse. My life totally revolved around my kids for the past 21 years. It is harder for us since raising them was our job. It is not that I do not have friends or other intrests. It is a diferent phase and feeling like you are no longer needed. then there is the worry phase. We learn as we go and I don’t want my last one to make the same mistakes my odest did. You just this sick feeling in the it of your stomach.
Also, am I the only parent that wants to send their child to school to learn and enjoy life and their new atmosphere, but is seiusly worred about the serious partying that goes on. That is not why I am paying lots of money for their education.</p>
<p>"It really is healing and therapeutic to help others. You can really loose yourself and mend holes in your heart and spirit that way. It also helps you see the strength and resiliancy all around you in people overcoming adversity and you being a part of the solution. You can call your local United Way office or other social service agency and find out what organizations are in your community that can use your skills. "</p>
<p>I agree. As my nest emptied, I got very involved in a variety of things including activities that help others. Making a difference is a lovely way to mend a hole in one’s heart and life.</p>