<p>Cold, it’s really cold.</p>
<p>Hey arling, she will be okay. I had to deal with widowhood and empty nest at the same time. It was so difficult! I hate an quiet, empty house but I’m surviving. You ask how your friend can get through it? Be a friend to her, call often, do social things with her. I found that having any sort of social interaction planned helped me get through the week.</p>
<p>You should send your children packages with things like clothes for your daughter and food for your son. They will probably love you</p>
<p>Hopefully my son likes cash… no shipping costs (except a stamp) and quite versatile.</p>
<p>paypal transfer–no stamp required!</p>
<p>I find that all in all, the empty nest has not been as bad as I anticipated. The downside to having kids in college is that it is quieter in the house, the upside is also that it is quieter in the house! I do miss my kids, but it is also nice to have more time for myself. I really enjoy being able to go to sleep when I feel like it on a Saturday night and not have to wait until I hear a key in the door. I started a new hobby, Genealogy, which has also put life in perspective. Life goes on and you might as well enjoy the ride. There is a great article in November’s MORE magazine (with Jane Lynch on the cover) on page 148 ‘What Your Kids Don’t Tell You Until They’re Grown’. I highly suggest reading it.</p>
<p>"paypal transfer–no stamp required! " - Well I do transfer money to his checking account monthly for expenses (he agreed to accept a terrific scholarship… I don’t mind giving him money to enjoy his new city). The occassional cash in the mail is in place of care packages, which I have not sent yet. I did so with daughter, but I learned that the extra clutter was stressful to her (it turns out that many relatives were sending her care packages). Most of the food she gave away.</p>
<p>sometimes i am kind of light-hearted, sometimes i am heavy-hearted. how long did it take for your light hearted days to outnumber the heavy-hearted ones? </p>
<p>is it keeping all the sadness to myself that makes it harder? do you share with others? is this a mystery–do other parents know how to deal with this and i’m not in on the secret? or are many of them more like me–happy on the outside, crying in the private times?</p>
<p>I live in Zimbabwe, Southern African and my son is now a sophomore at a LAC in NY. My H and I have a somewhat blended family but long story short my S is my only biological child and is the youngest of the brood. And I had a really close relationship with him, we laughed at the same stuff, read the same books, lots of mutual respect and interest. When he first left home I honestly thought I was going to die of a broken heart, which was compounded by Ss wholehearted embracing of his new college life which did not include much contact with Mom back home I remember writing to the CC thread for parents of that year 2013, with so much trepidation, describing my bereft heart, and being so encouraged by the comments of support. And the nuggets of information relevant to college life were invaluable too.16 months on I am SO much happier. The pattern of comms with my S has stabilized, still way too little info and a longish skype video call every two weeks is just not enough he came home for Christmas 2009, and I was lucky enough to spend a fantastic 10 weeks with him in the US over the summer, staying with friends here and there, and just muddling around together and I am counting down the days to his return to Zim on 22 Dec. What helped me most was being able to see where he was and meet his friends, to see him growing in maturity and happiness and LOVING his new educational opportunity and the people and his independence, also me realizing how many other people felt the same empty nest sadness as I did, and had survived to tell the tale! I have gone back to work, but to an easy stress free job, and I have involved myself in the lives of some of the young folk around us, offering to do the flowers at their weddings, having youngsters to stay when their folks are away etc. Today when I got back from work we had three different young folk all under 24 visiting at different times for different things, it helps to keep the laughter going and the house full. In the meantime my stepson has done a boomerang and come back to live with us, and my oldest stepdaughter, her hubby and two precious grandbabies are leaving Cape Town and moving in next door in January 2011! Who knew how full the house would be again when my heart was aching so last year so dont project negatively into the future, just get involved where you can and the opportunities to refill your heart will surely emerge…</p>
<p>Have many friends who are presented with divorce requests once the child graduates from high school. </p>
<p>Only strenghthens my belief that, despite all the advances womankind has made, we are still thought of as the child bearers, and once our mission has been accomplished, we are disposable.</p>
<p>As for my empty nest, it is too short. My son chose a college within flying distance, and will be home for the second time already this semester, two months in.</p>
<p>While I am happy to see him, I am sometimes wishing he did choose that other college where we knew we would only see him at Christmas and May.</p>
<p>And finally, as long as there is still a husband at home, the nest will never be empty. There is nothing more needy than a middle aged man. Except maybe his widowed father.</p>
<p>I am sort of envious of my friends who were presented their divorce papers. They truly will be able to enjoy an empty nest.</p>
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<p>I’m aware of many instance of this, but in every one I can think of, the wife initiated the divorce.</p>
<p>^^^^</p>
<p>Actually, that’s what’s going on next door right now. So much drama.</p>
<p>The last daughter went away to college, and she threw husband’s stuff out on the street. Man, I’d hate to be that guy. He must have really done something bad.</p>
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<p>As wives tend to spill to wives and husbands tend to spill to other guys, my husband always gets the guys’ side of the story. It’s amazing how many of the husbands say, “I never saw it coming. There was no reason at all. She just left/threw me out.” To me, that’s always indicitive of how clueless some folks can be.</p>
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<p>I see this over and over. The wife accepts the needy behavior, essentially views the husband as another child and does not demand that he pull his own weight as a parent and as a spouse. Husband settles for a child role while feeling the isolation and estrangment from the wife as a partner in life and co-equal in the family and eventually the isolation from the kids as they cleave to the mother as the only “real” parent.</p>
<p>Once the kids move out, the nest and their lives become even more empty. The wife would rather be alone than put up with the man-child any longer (she put up with it through HS “for the sake of the kids”), so she files.</p>
<p>I find that there are men in these relationships who do file when the kids go off to college, if the wife doesn’t. The rap I hear from the men who file is that the wife is mean, depressed and used up and that the man “only put up with it for the kids.” </p>
<p>Sad thing is that the parents have possibly created daughters with a tainted view of marriage as raising a husband and sons with mommy issues since they have clued in to mom’s unspoken view that men are weak and pathetic.</p>
<p>IMO all parties involved in these situations come out as “losers.”</p>
<p>It saddens me that people accept this as “normal” in somehow inevitable. There is so much more that the entire family could enjoy if everyone involved would put a bit of work into it–the wife in having everyone contribute to the household and all the household members in sharing the load AND the joys. The entire family is shortchanged if folks take the roles of martyr and “man child.” I can’t see that anyone benefits from such dysfunction.</p>
<p>I’m not saying our life is all sunshine and orchids, but there are a LOT of happy families who enjoyed the time with their kids growing up and are also enjoying the empty nest as a couple. I’m blessed because that is how our extended family seems to be heading (fingers crossed).</p>
<p>07DADFamily Therapist, now that you have diagnosed the disease, is there a cure?</p>
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<p>Ditto. </p>
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<p>Cure? For the couple? Probably depends on the stage of the disease and the willingness to seek treatment. The degree and intensity of the mutual anger seems to be a major factor.</p>
<p>For the children/victims? Counseling couldn’t hurt. I have seen people give their child and the child’s intended spouse sessions with a marriage counselor as a pre-wedding gift. </p>
<p>PS missypie–not “family therapist,” but unforunately there have been a lot of DR files come across my desk and there are lots of examples of the walking wounded to observe. The number of churches with “divorce recovery” signs outside in my residential only area of town are telling. I’m not sure I’ve seen one outside the church you attend, but I’ll bet a nickel they have such a class. I know of 2 specific recent cases of “the disease” at your church.</p>
<p>My massage therapist in Snider Plaza reports that this is SOP for very many of her HP/Preston Hollow 50+ y.o. old female customers. Money doesn’t guarantee happiness.</p>
<p>Last night I was at an event where a female colleague (my age) told another female colleague (same age) that she and her husband had split. Her reaction: “Are congratulations in order?” That was funny to me, because when she told *me, my *reaction was, “Do you feel terrific?” Not a whole lot of “I’m so sorry” when ladies are getting rid of 50something men.</p>
<p>^…and replacing them with 30something men? Just curious, since I have passed 50something long ago and has kept my 50something man. I do not remember how it feels being 50something at all.</p>
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<p>Most women I know don’t divorce their husbands to replace them with a younger version or ANY version. Most would prefer to be alone than with the “man-child.”</p>