I have not read the entire thread, however, any career SAHMs here?! Trying to figure out how to live the rest of my life now that I have been ‘laid off’ !
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@momo2x2018 I am a SAHM of twins that are in their second year of college. So far it hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. Luckily I live in the same town I grew up in so I have family around. My Mom takes a good amount of my time as she doesn’t drive much anymore.
I admit after helping the kids with the college search I was at loose ends for a bit. I did start walking and taking care of myself more. I also started going to yoga which is fun.
Do you have any hobbies you would like to try?
@twoforone99, in the 4.5 years since my daughter went away to college, I lost 60 pounds and went back to school to get my MSW. She graduated last May and I graduate next May!
@oldmom4896 That is fantastic! I’ve read many of your post, my sister just finished her MSW at 55 years young. She went to school as her daughters went to college.
I have lost 50 lbs since my twins were seniors in high school. It is a great time to refocus on our health.
My latest project is moving into a new house. I never really decorated my old house so I am having fun.
Congrats again!
My wife never stopped her career as a painter when the kids were young but definitely slowed down. It was a choice. Aalthough she had shows all through the kids’ childhood, but her career had taken off now that the next is empty-- shows at high-end galleries in NY and London. We both could lose some weight.
Took up art and Tai Chi, and transitioned to care of an elderly parent with dementia.
Started a company with my son as a non-operating co-founder and with one of his business school friends as CEO. He joins the weekly call and advises the CEO.
@ads1970: Do you have any plans for your new available empty nest time?
Try to keep busy with all my hobbies and house chores housekeeping little by little do all sorts of little things in the home and a tiny bit of gardening. I do not think I mention it before because when I started posting here was about a few practical things about DD being an international student in the midwest USA. I am SAHM with CHF ( heart failure), PH (pulmonary hypertension)and osteoarthritis allover and some other minor ailments also.So I am homebound. I only leave the house for medical appointments and the last thing I gave up was the grocery shopping. I live a very quiet life.
I don’t have a quite-empty nest; two of my kids are in college, but I have a fifth-grader at home.
The reason I am visiting this thread is that my youngest has a genetic disorder that allows her to “pass” as a “regular” kid, but who has had quite a long road of disability and illness, starting as an infant. I stopped working when she was 2. Now she is settled in a supportive private school and her physical ailments have either grown much better with age, been intervened-out of her, or properly diagnosed and medicated into remission. And suddenly, everywhere I go, people keep asking me “What are you going to do NOW?”
I was very grateful that I was able to concentrate on my daughter when she needed me constantly. I, too, would like to “do something”…but am I right to feel these people - from my primary care doctor to my gynecologist to the receptionist at my daughters orthodontists office - should mind their own business? I mean, I am 54. I haven’t worked in 10 years, and even then it was a “mom job” - realtor - not something I am eager to return to. Who would hire me? To do what? Sometimes I’m not even sure I could deal with a regular 9-5 job since our family
life has grown to look very traditional, ie, I do all the housework, bills, laundry, and cook every single night for my food-prepping lo-carb- eating husband. My life is, for the first time in a long time, peaceful, and orderly, without sudden trips to the ER and weeks home with a sick child.
I guess what I am asking is, do I get credit for “time served”? Can I get any respect for the fact that I HAVE been “doing something”? can people just get off my back?
Sorry if this is not in the spirit of this thread, but it’s the only place I could think to post it.
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I don’t think people are asking “what are you going to do now” in a nosy or judgmental way, or implying you haven’t been doing anything, it feels more like they recognize that you’ve traveled a long and difficult road and are happy for you that you are no longer in that constant firefighting mode and are now able to move forward with the next phase of your life.
Since these questions bother you or make you uncomfortable, I would suggest just coming up with a vague, non-specific response to short-circuit the discussion, something like “I’m taking some time to evaluate what the future holds but I don’t have any specific plans, right now I’m just enjoying normal family life, thanks for asking” or whatever.
Gudmom, Yes you deserve time off as long as that is what is good for you. And people should not be asking “what are you going to do NOW?”. How about, “Wow what a long road for you. So happy your D is doing well.” and if they are close to you they could ask if you have anything you are interested in doing or learning.
When I read your post it felt as if you were newly retired. I am recently retired and would like a dollar for every question I have had about my future and “what now?”. It takes time for the people around you to accept that spending your days doing whatever you want is what you want to do. New career? Hobbies? maybe yes and maybe no.
In the meantime, come up with 1-2 pat answers and just use them over and over. Depending on your personality it could be a joke “watch tv and eat bon bons” or a more serious tone “I will have to figure that out. Any ideas?” (if you respect them) or feed them something such as more exercise, a cooking class, plan a trip.
One thing I do know is that how you present your answer will influence the person asking. When we were in the mist of paperwork to adopt our son I learned to say “We are so excited! We are adopting!” and the response would be positive. When I first shared the information I would say “We are thinking about adopting” and the response was then
“oh! you are so brave” or “why are you doing that?” or “don’t you want your own” (we had a birth D) or “I could never do that”. So be sure that what ever you decide to say that it is delivered with a positive firm tone.
I agree that they are not meaning to hurt you and the questions are a weird way of saying “you are amazing! you have so much potential”. Still, you will need to manage this as you transition to whatever your future brings.
And congratulations on your hard work and your D doing so well!
@Gudmom, congratulations to you! Well done! After my daughter went away to college, I started thinking about what I wanted to do. I am a single mom and was totally sandwiched with my dad and stepmother one piece of bread, and my daughter the other. My dad passed away 2 months before my daughter graduated from high school and when my daughter left for college, it was a huge change for me.
I decided to go back to school and started classes for my MSW the same day my daughter started her senior year in college. I’m graduating this May. I am a lot older than you (I’ll be almost 71 when I graduate) but I have no regrets.
Find yourself a snappy answer and try not to take it personally if you can. And congratulations again!
Sometimes when H is asked, “Wow, what do you do now that you’re retired?” H replies with a huge smile–“Whatever I want! Thanks for asking!” If he doesn’t want the discussion to continue, it ends there and they both walk away with a smile.
For me, I have founded a nonprofit that I work as hard or as little as I want to on and when folks ask what I’m up to, I say, “Nonprofits work are never done,” smile and we walk away content as well. If I am curious and wanting to consider other options, I will ask them what they’re up to and see if any of that appeals.
@Gudmom, a 5th grader is not like a junior in high school. Kids in grade school & middle school really need parental support/supervision after school. I’m guessing you are still quite busy. The posts above have some great advice! Best to you, as you navigate the changing landscape!
@Gudmom, we live in an interesting time in which people measure their own worth by either what they do or what they own.The latter is more pernicious. And, at the same time, people have devalued the work of a caretaker. From our own much more limited experience with kids with serious medical issues and learning disabilities, we have some appreciation of how much time being a parent to your daughter must have been.
I would think that you should take a break. At some point, you might find that you want to spend some of our effort on something that seems meaningful to you. It could be creative activity, volunteer activity or work. But, I see no need to rush or let people make you feel bad.
My favorite client response when I asked him what’s retirement like?
“Everyday is a Saturday.”
I understood immediately. Freedom.
He didn’t care what people expected or wanted. He was free to roam.
Op. You are free to roam. You have been a great mom. That’s a hard job.
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An acquaintance said about retirement, “I haven’t been this happy since I was in kindergarten.”
I refer to my retirement as my “second childhood” and it is better than my first!
Parents often think that they’re becoming empty nesters but in all honesty, it’s just a new chapter in your parenting journey. College is a critical time in kids’ lives and they need some guidance (on top of exploring individually and having fun) to set themselves up well for the next chapter of their lives (post-college, academically and professionally). The consequences of just letting your kid go to college and “empty nesting” may result in the coming straight back to said nest for your financial and emotional support…so, don’t let go completely. There are still a lot of things they need to do in college just like the things they needed to do in high school to prepare them for college. Happy to share more about those things. Just don’t let your kid fall through the cracks during college because you didn’t know you needed to / how to support and they didn’t know what they needed to be doing to set their lives up well both personally and professionally.