We just did a small downsize (I wanted a more significant downsize but my H won that battle). Our D has her own bedroom even though she’s away at school most of the time, and we have one designated guest room. The office has a double sized futon for overflow/holiday time. At some point I’d like to move into a condo. Two bedrooms + an office space would be my ideal.
We had friends who lived in a small house and when her kids visited, they gifted their adult children and their spouses to a luxury B&B near the house and had the grandkids stay with them. That’s my plan when the time comes ; )
When we downsized, we went from six bedrooms to four. We could easily deal with one less bedroom. Neither son comes home much – we go visit them, since we’re retired and they’re all working, one with a baby. I remember how busy I was in my 30s and 40s, and I totally understand their not coming “home.” But we should have bought a smaller house.
My kids have been out of house since 2015 but one is still home at all breaks in her PhD program. Having more issues now since there really isn’t much parenting to do and most of my activities revolved around supporting them or at church which I’ve kind of rotated out of (in terms of leadership roles). Now wish I could find a job but my skills are very out of date. H works from home and is thinking retirement. I need a way to get out of house. Seriously.
@drewsmom17 “The best parts so far have been the lack of craziness surrounding the college app process and cooking. After 2 consecutive years of apps, it is a relief.”
Isn’t that the truth? I prefer consulting to the now semi-adults from a different state on an “as-needed” basis. No more college application drama.
Just returned from my first visit to my freshman’s college and it was nice to see him so busy. He even brought his mac to lunch to do work while we chatted! That never happened in high school.
We do love Charleston . My wife says it felt like ‘home’ within a week.
On the downsizing issue: Seems a very personal decision. Ours is kind of messed up. We have 3 kids (all in college). We own a 4 bedroom in Charleston, but rented it out when we ended up in Singapore. When we returned stateside that house was mid-cycle on the lease, so we are currently renting a 3 bedroom. We actually prefer the smaller house now and know we can easily make due over the holidays. Not a permanent situation, but we may just sell the 4 bedroom and buy a 3 bedroom nearby.
I would just say, if the number of times all visit on overlapping dates is infrequent, it might be less expensive to just rent a hotel room on those rare occasions where a spare sofa wouldn’t do. How often will ours actually get back at the same time when they are working in X, Y and Z cities in the world? More likely, we will be renting a house at a beach or ski resort or their city when the five of us get together and so the 3, or 4, or 5 bedroom would just be empty anyways. Again, it is all a personal situation.
My sister’s family is the opposite. Their two kids lived in one town all their lives. Their kids would only look at colleges within a 2 hour drive and both will only ever work in a city/town within 2 hours drive, so they visit all the time, even on weekends. They stay in their old bedrooms. Completely different set-up.
Our home has never been cleaner and the kitchen sink has never been so free of dirty dishes. There are not 22 pairs of women’s shoes piled up in the mud room. Love it.
We have one that is graduated and out on her own living far away on the east coast. The other one is finishing up her last year at college and filling out grad school applications.
I have painted and re-done both of their bedrooms, and have begun packing up their remaining things into storage bins because I do not anticipate either one ever living at home again.
@scmom12 , surely there is a job out there for you! What are your interests? Do you have a particular job skill you’d want to stick to? Are you open to a non-profit or retail? Would you consider volunteering at someplace with a mission you really support?
I can’t bear the thought of someone being stuck at home! That to me would be a personal hell.
@scmom12, I concur with @abasket. It is important to have community, meaning and structure. Your church may be providing you with community, but it sounds like you need to find a daily activity that provides meaning and structure. @abasket’s suggestion of volunteering at a place with a mission that gives you meaning is one possibility. Another would be to work to acquire a new skill and then head into the market.
If you still want to make a difference for kids, almost all districts have openings for paras. PT or FT, all different ways to work with kids. The pay is low so thibk of it as volunteering with a bonus. You could also sub as a para if you want to try it out.
Thanks to all who replied to my downsizing question. I think I am having a hard time dealing with not needing bedrooms for all 3 kids. It definitely makes sense not to maintain too much extra space we only use 1-2 times a year.
@drewsmom17 I sold my house(required by divorce) when my youngest was 22, and live in a very small apartment with one bedroom. Before this one it was a studio.
I got rid of most of my possessions and have one small storage space with photo albums, etc. My kids visit one at a time and sleep on an inflatable bed. Many people I know live like this, and don’t have money to, say, stay in a hotel with their kids. It’s all relative.
As for empty nest, with all the technology available now to stay in touch, I don’t think the nest really ever empties the way it did, say, 30 years ago.
Couldn’t decide the right place to post this, but I decided it goes best here. Today, my husband (60 yo) was laid off and given a severance package. We are very happy and excited to start the next phase of our lives - although we are unsure of what it will be! We are now free to move to another location, job, life - wherever we decide is the right place (maybe closer to our only daughter (25 yo).
I have a part-time job (which is pretty flexible). My husband has been thinking early retirement for a while now, but wanted to be able to have a package to make the transition easier.
I feel terrible for those co-workers of his that were laid off today (they probably laid off many people as they do this in waves). What a horrilbe way to be treated during the holiday season, getting called in to HR, being let go, and being told you are done - go home now (not even to go back to your desk - they cleaned his desk out for him)!
@kiddie, that’s about how my dh’s retirement began. It was a bit of a shock, although I’d been encouraging him to take early retirement for several years. At least we were confident about our finances after nearly a decade of saving every dime we could to recover from massive losses, combined with a very good severance package. Dh has tried some new hobbies, but mostly he’s enjoyed finally having time to work on the house then spend evenings on his computer or reading his kindle.
We wonder about the people who are still in their 50s with kids in college, or even high school, and how they’ll manage. The ones dh knows had planned to work until at least 65. They will have a tough time.
A senior HR exec told someone who’s still there that a recommended candidate for a job was not suitable due to being 50. No one 50+ will be considered, although there will be nothing in writing and it would, of course, be denied if anyone made a complaint.
Yet we have three presidential candidates over 70, two near 80, and President who is 73.
We should be doing more about age discrimination in the workplace. Many employers mix laying off people due to age with laying off people who are younger, for other reasons, to avoid law suits.
As for getting a job when over 50: any barriers due to age, however well-hidden by the hiring company- are absurd and outrageous.
Some of this discrimination is related to health care costs, which need to be addressed as part of the solution.
My H was very fortunate to be able to work until he chose to retire at 70. He had concerns about being forced out sooner but actually was begged to return for 6 months after he retired.
It’s wonderful and exciting to see this as an opportunity and good he got a severance package. You’re right that it must be very tough for many of his former coworkers. Best of luck to all who are working on new chapters!
@compmom, my sense is also that there is pervasive age discrimination because younger workers get lower salaries and have lower healthcare costs . In the tech world, I think software engineers tend to plateau because they are less current than younger folks who learned the latest thing (platform, language, approach) in school unless they have good people skills and move into management. This probably makes older workers more vulnerable. As you point out, it makes no sense to have companies bear the cost of health insurance, which would eliminate part of the underlying cause of age discrimination.
My late 20’s kid (the youngest) needs to come live with me. I had downsized and live in a small one bedroom. It will be, er, cozy. I don’t actually know a lot of people who have a reliably empty nest over the years! I feel badly that I don’t have better digs to offer but I honestly thought that those days were over. I’ll be looking for a new apartment if needed, but once rented, the kid will no doubt leave again. This, to me, is the real issue: when is our nest actually empty? By the time that happens, I will NEED someone to live with me.
@compmom, we have seen that happen with our friends. One of our friends has a daughter who finished medical school and internship and somewhat inexplicably left her doctor husband (who seemed like a really nice guy) and moved from the Midwest to the East to live with them for a while and now has her own apartment in our city. You never know when your will need to share space, I guess, as it would have seemed that she had it all together. We also saw my brother move in with my mother for a while, which was highly beneficial to her and somewhat beneficial to him.
ShawWife and I have been trying to downsize our house (on the East Coast) but just signed a purchase and sale agreement for a bigger house. One of its features is an in-law apartment that could be useful for kids. Our kids seem very comfortably situated (ShawD and her BR are roommates with ShawSon in a 4 BR apartment in San Francisco). So, we think we may rent the in-law apartment out – but will have it if there is a need. It would be a great apartment for a single parent and a kid moving back. Let’s hope we don’t need it. Over time, if we need one-floor living, we would take it over. Having just completed three knee replacements, ShawWife and I hope stairs won’t pose a problem for quite a while.
For the future, ShawD said, “Dad, I have a deal for you. When I know where I am living, you can help me buy a two-family house and you and Mom can live on the top floor and when we have kids, you can help take care of them. Then, when you get older, you and Mom can move downstairs, we’ll move upstairs and I’ll take care of you.” Since she’s a nurse practitioner, that’s a great offer. We’ll take her up on it if it is feasible (we have been spending three months a year on the West Coast anyway, so this would involve investment but maybe less of a change in location than might otherwise seem to be the case… I’m assuming we should wait on this until she gets married (she and her BF haven’t announced anything so I’m making no plans at the moment).