Society Anxiety + Depression at College, Advice?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>Ok, so this is my first time posting here, so I'm hoping I did it right and it's in the right section! I'm looking for advice as a college freshman. This ended up being super long, I'm sorry. So, if you're reading this, thank you. :)</p>

<p>So here's my situation: I am dorming at a college about 300ish miles away (out of state) from home, where I attended a fairly big high school, but had a close small group of friends. Ever since I was about 10 or so, I have had extremely high anxiety levels (generally all related to school) and I'm pretty positive I have social anxiety and depression (probably as a result of the social anxiety). It got worse after I permanently injured my knee in 9th grade, so I had to stop playing sports and couldn't do HS track or soccer. Unfortunately, despite talking through some of my anxieties with my mom (she also has mental health issues, maybe its genetic?) I was always too nervous/proud to go to a therapist for help so I have never gotten an official diagnosis. </p>

<p>When I was applying to colleges, my Dad (my parents are divorced) told me he would help pay for my college tuition, but that he really wanted me to dorm and get the "away experience." My Dad kind of knows about my anxiety, he just does not really understand how difficult it is to be outgoing and that my problem can't really be "cured" by putting myself in super uncomfortable positions (trust me, I have tried.) I brought up community college (because I don't even know what I want to major in) because with my grades I got a full scholarship there so then I could save my own money and transfer later when I decided on a major or something. I did not want to disappoint him, so I applied to all away schools (and my local CC in secret, with the support of my mom haha). In theory, I would love to want to go away. I'd like to be more social, have more friends, like to party, etc. But I think I have to accept that that's really just not me, at least not right now :( I've always had a small group of friends, preferred hanging out casually to attending big parties. I love my family, me and my mom are extremely close, so I didn't even feel the need to go away to school to begin with. But I felt pressured because all my friends went away, and my Dad really wanted me to, I feel bad because he only wants what he thinks is best for me. I also wanted to challenge myself, but I feel like such a big step (a huge school far away) maybe wasn't such a good idea and I should have started smaller... But anyway, I applied to away schools, got in just about everywhere I applied (my grades and SAT were pretty good) and now am I freshman in a really prestigious 6 year pharmacy program, solely because I had the grades for it. </p>

<p>I know I should be happy with what I have, I'm in a really great program, live in the newest dorms, my campus is beautiful and huge etc. but I just feel miserable. I cried every night the week before I moved in because I was so nervous and sad (I'm a big sensitive baby too, that is not helping LOL) I cried on move in day, I cried myself to sleep last night, heck I am tearing up right now (thank God my roommate is out), and now that I'm here I don't feel any better. I'm scared to talk to people, although I try my best. I leave my door open, I went to the first big gathering for our floor and our hall, I introduced myself, etc, but I can't seem to shake my extreme anxiety and homesickness. I feel so nervous I can't even really eat (though I did brave the dining hall by myself, I didn't really eat anything and I know that isn't helping :( I know, from forums like these, that some degree of homesickness is normal and that it usually passes, but I can't help but feel hopeless right now, especially since I wasn't really feeling the whole "away college!" thing in the first place. I've been talking to my HS friends, and one of them can relate, which helps, but the others are really having such a great time, I feel like there's something wrong with my because I can't handle this. I was hoping my roommate and I would click, but she actually is local, and has tons of friends from her HS here. Everyone seems to have a friend but me. Rationally I'm sure someone somewhere is in the same boat as me, but really that doesn't make me feel better. I've been talking to my parents about how I feel, but now I feel guilty for worrying them. I feel even more guilty when I think about how much money my dad is paying when I didn't even really want to go, and now that I am here I can't wait to leave. I don't want to quit (well, I kinda do, but I could not bear to disappoint my dad like that, he would be crushed if I told him I wanted to come home.) but I'm not sure if I can stick it out for the year. I know I have to try and do what's best for me, but I don't know if the benefits of staying at this school outweigh being super sad and anxious pretty much 24/7. I was anxious at my HS too, but at least I felt safe and secure at my home. :( Advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Are my concerns valid or am I just being ridiculous? Anything would be much appreciated!</p>

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<p>Does your campus have a counseling center? It might make you feel much better to know that many, many college students feel the same way you do. You are definitely not alone in feeling nervous around others and homesick. The thing is that college counselors are particularly skilled at helping students work through these feelings. As you mature, you will not always be able to be close to home and your parents. You may have to live away for jobs, or grad school, etc. It’s better to learn how to work through these feelings now while you have a great support system. If you can sit down and put a name to the things you are worried about, or afraid of, you may be able to really help yourself in this process. Your parents are going to be fine while you are away from them, your mom may even grow from the experience she sees you going through. You can support each other as you both develop new independence. Get involved in a club or volunteer group on your campus…I think you will find that you make connections pretty quickly in these types of groups. Make it a point to try to say hello to at least 5 people day, then try 10, etc. Naming your fears, and being honestly willing to try new ways to work through them is a great place to start. You can always go home, sure, but you don’t want to be 30 wondering “what if?”. Give your self at least a semester, if not longer, before you really decide you just can’t hack it. And if you return home, swallow that “pride”, and get a therapist. Going to therapy is nothing shameful at all, and actually very smart. When we keep doing the same things over and over that aren’t helping, that is insanity. Knowing when you don’t have the answers and need help and being open to that help is a sign of maturity and logical thinking. Good luck! </p>

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<p>You are not alone. Go talk to the counselor on campus. Also pick out 5 ‘standard questions’ that you can always ask people. “Where are you from?” “How big was your high school?” “What class do you like best so far”…that kind of thing. Also have a follow up for after they answer. People will open up to you when you ask questions about them. While it may seem rehearsed at first, I promise you will find more people willing to talk to you once they tell you about their hometown, their old boy/girlfriend, their high school, their current boy/girlfriend, their celebrity crush…Whatever you ask. Then put these questions into practice by getting to class 5 minutes early and asking the people next to you two of them and getting them to open up about themselves. You will not only help yourself, but them as well ultimately because trust me…many of them are looking for someone they can talk to as well.</p>

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<p>OP here! Thank you so much for your advice, I plan on making an appointment with a college counselor tomorrow. :)</p>

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<p>You are so not alone in the feelings you are having. I agree with the advice to seek out the counseling office at your school. There they can help personalize help for you and can help you figure out the best course of action.<br>
You are not being ridiculous, and your feelings are always valid.<br>
I know you feel like you ‘should’ be happy with the opportunities you have, etc…but feelings are feelings…they don’t always show up and respond as we logically think they should. ;-)<br>
I know you don’t want to disappoint your dad, but you also say that he wants what is best for you. I promise you that is the most important thing to us parents…what is best for our kids. A counselor will even be able to help you come up with ways to help your dad understand what you are going through.
On another thread, a student is talking about similar issues, and through that I learned that students can sometimes take a leave of absence from school, without having to withdraw…and option I didn’t realize existed. You may not need to even do that, but my point is, that there are many options to explore and the counseling office at your school is probably the best equipped to help you weigh those options.
Please go see them. You can just call or email them at first if just walking into the office is too uncomfortable.</p>

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<p>I’m pretty similar. Not in the social anxiety part, but in the rest. I’m far away for school, prefer small groups of friends to large parties, really enjoy my family, etc. Despite being over 700 miles away, I managed to find a balance between talking to my family and getting involved. I skyped them once a week or so, and texted whenever something was happening worth talking about to them. And college isn’t all large parties, I’ve found my friend groups from clubs and my dorm and pretty much hang out with them in smaller settings. So what I’m saying is, you can definitely manage those things. As for the rest, I’d suggest going beyond the college counselors and really try to find a therapist. I know you said you were nervous or too proud, but it’s something I’d really suggest. Maybe your school counselors will be good enough, and you can try them first, but they might only really help with college stuff, and you definitely have some other stuff to talk about. It doesn’t mean you are broken, messed up, weak or anything else. Everyone could use talking to some trained professionals to get stuff off their chest sometime. So I’d suggest first, definitely talk to the college’s counselors, and also talk to your family some. Don’t talk to them all the time, but it’ll help you get stuff off your chest and just deal with some stuff you’re feeling. Second, if you get the feeling that the school’s counselors aren’t enough and you can’t see them regularly, try finding a therapist around town. Third, you’re articulate, thoughtful, and you already made a close knit group of friends once. You’ll do it again. Look, I know you said that knowing other people are in the same boat doesn’t help, but let it really sink in. I PROMISE you that a ton of students feel the same way. Almost no one really has set friend groups yet. High school friends end up breaking apart in college sometimes, and even if they don’t they make other friends. Just try joining clubs of stuff you’re into, keep your door open, just be available to meeting people. You don’t even necessarily have to initiate. Just make yourself available and people will come. Lastly, don’t stick it out if you decide it’s not for the best. If you’ve talked to the counselors and you really don’t think it’s working out, you need to do something. I’d probably try to survive the semester and transfer out rather than just dropping, but your dad will understand. If he’s willing to pay for college and cares enough to try to help (I know the whole going away thing isn’t helping, but it was his attempt to help at least), he’ll understand if you ultimately decide to go home. Your dad doesn’t sound like the kind of person who’s going to berate you for not staying, from the little you said at least, and parents generally want the best for you. If he knows you’re having trouble, he’d rather see you be somewhere that’s going to do well for you.</p>

<p>Sorry that that was one giant paragraph, I wasn’t sure where to separate it out, so it’s just kind of one giant blob. </p>

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<p>My DD has social anxiety and takes medication for it and it makes a BIG DIFFERENCE. </p>

<p>Also, you are new at the college and you haven’t made your close group of friends yet.
You will. Go to class, join clubs, do stuff with dorm mates…</p>

<p>Even if you went back home, most of your other friends will be away at college or working so they won’t be there like they used to be.</p>

<p>I think your Dad wants you to have an experience where you are meeting new people and living in a environment outside of your home. Give it time and talk to the counselors.</p>

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<p>any update? I’m hoping things have improved. and if they have, what did you do that helped? thanks. </p>

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<p>look into cognitive behavioral therapy for social and/or generalized anxiety disorder, and as someone mentioned medication may truly help to take the “edge off” and help to alleviate your stress and anxiety. Hope you are doing better. Keep us posted.</p>

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<p>The OP says that she “really didn’t want to go”.</p>

<p>Now she feels guilty for not wanting to be there, but she knew she didn’t want to be there.</p>

<p>The thing that cured me of depression as a teen was to say “<darn> it, I’ll just go out and have fun as a new person in a group or club, and who cares if it is a start of huge friendships or just a distraction!”.</darn></p>

<p>So - there are two choices:

  • embrace that you are sad but force yourself to stay in college and start to go to things. Treat other people as an amusement for you :slight_smile:
  • take a deep breath, and go to the college counseling center, and see if they know if you can delay your admission a year. I don’t know if you could get any tuition back, but at least you could talk about it. See how it feels to talk to someone truthfully about what you are experiencing and see how it feels to talk about taking some time off. No one benefits if you have a break down.</p>

<p>There is a third choice. If your mom is available, could she come and visit you for a few days? I know a lot of folks are freaking if they read this, but sometimes having your “rock” present might help you figure out what you want to do. That is the key, you need to move on one way or another, and not just accept that you will have to drop out without reaching out.</p>

<p>All IMHO, the best to you as you deal with this.</p>

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<p>Counseling!!! And or medication are my vote. College can be very difficult with social anxiety, and going to counseling can be very beneficial to staying motivated and easing your stresses after the initial nervousness of going. It’s especially good if you have yet to secure another support system at your school (and with SA, I know that can be dang near impossible sometimes).</p>

<p>Also really look at yourself and respect your limits. You may be scared to seek help or feel embarrassed to take time off and seek alternatives, but trust me on this one, it’s better to get help early and not to overly push yourself then to end up breaking down later (I just had one and had to leave in the middle of a term, and am now facing some setbacks, which could probably have been avoided if i didn’t push myself too hard, be careful).</p>

<p>Also, don’t feel guilty. You are who you are and there is nothing wrong with that. Take time to learn to try to fully accept that and do what you need to do. You don’t have to make anyone else happy, even if it feels like you do. Make yourself your number one priority.</p>