Some essay advice for your applicant (with sample essay)

Parents Forum
1

<p>What do you look for when your kiddo lets you read their admissions essay and asks for advice? Take a look at the essay below. Note that even though the story is about taking calls on Christmas, it really is about the change taking place within the writer. Rather than TELL that inner story, it SHOWS how the transformation took place. The essay is very specific, with quotes and real conversations, again SHOWING the story rather than telling it. You can imagine this essay if it had all been introspective... not too interesting.</p>

<p>The concept of transformation, transition, growing up, changing for the better, overcoming issues or challenges is one of the most important aspects that can be conveyed in a college admissions essay. Check the Common App prompts and see how they are really asking for this "character development."</p>

<p>Finally, notice the little "stinger" at the end. Just a little twist to make the reader smile and make sure this essay will be memorable. So many essays can benefit from this extra sentence or two.</p>

<p>
[quote]

It was Christmas and I was nine years old when I confronted my parents with the fact that I knew the truth. “I know,” I told them defiantly, “There is no Santa Claus.” They looked at me with a little sadness but with expressions like they had expected it all along. I had known for years that the mall Santas were just “helpers.” And my friends had been trying to convince me for some time that there was no real Santa. But I successfully argued with them until one day I ran out of arguments and reluctantly accepted the truth.</p>

<p>That was the Christmas the magic disappeared. That night, when my parents suggested leaving some milk and cookies out before we went to bed, I gave them a look of “who are you kidding?” No more milk and cookies. Oh, the presents were still there under the tree the next morning, but that feeling of Christmas Day being special was gone.</p>

<p>Each successive Christmas was lessened in some intangible way. The magic was not coming back.</p>

<p>Last year, my father, who works for an Air Force contractor, got a chance to volunteer with “NORAD Tracks Santa” (NTS) and he asked me to come along. We would take a four-hour shift with many other volunteers at the NTS Operations Center at Peterson Air Force Base in Colorado Springs. We would be answering calls from children all over the United States and the world, asking where Santa was and when he’d be arriving. We had a huge display on the wall of the Center with a map of the world and an indicator of Santa’s travels. The calls that came in were touching and hilarious.</p>

<p>One of my favorites was a little girl who was absolutely convinced that Santa was bringing her a reindeer:Me: Are you sure? Don't you mean a stuffed animal reindeer?
Girl: I KNOW he's bringing me a real reindeer.
Me: Do you live on a farm or a ranch?
Girl: No, just a regular house, but I fixed up the backyard for it.
Me: And you're sure of this?
Girl: My mom says absolutely not, but I'm still sure.

And another:Kid: When will Santa get here?
Me: Where do you live?
Kid (turning away from the phone): Mom, the man on the phone wants to know my address. Can I tell him?
Mom (in background): NOOOO!! Santa should KNOW where you live.

Mom was on the phone for this one:Mom (with daughter on speakerphone): Santa called us today.
Me: He DID? Wow!
Mom: He wanted to explain that one of his elves made a big mistake.
Me: Huh?
Mom: Santa said that when the elves were loading the sleigh, some parts fell off one of the toys, so the one he was delivering was missing some parts, and that he'd send the parts later,
Me: Those elves...

But it was this call that got to me:Boy: My cousin doesn't believe in Santa.
Me: How old is your cousin?
Boy: Nine
Me: Well, something happens when you turn about eight or nine. You think you know the truth about everything. It's not until later when you find out the REAL truth and realize how dumb you were.
Boy: Well I must be a GENIUS, cause I believe in Santa.

I realized then how dumb I had been. That night taking calls reminded me of the magic that Christmas had been for me, once upon a time. The magic was totally real, and Santa provided that magic, ergo, Santa has to be real. This last Christmas, my seventeenth, was one of the best in years.</p>

<p>Later that night, just before bed, my father asked me what I was doing as I came back from the kitchen. I replied, “Leaving milk and cookies.”

[/quote]
</p>

2

<p>fabulous, I absolutely love it! My son also wrote his essays in a round about, story telling way and I love what he did too. I hope the admissions people appreciate when a student takes a bit of a risk and thinks out of the box a bit… time will tell?</p>

3

<p>I like your story and I agree completely that the last line is what makes it work. My younger son was very good at them. In his case usually something a little self-deprecating making fun of himself. We thought his admissions results were much better than his grades and scores led us to hope for, so perhaps the essays helped!</p>

4

<p>digmedia – do you have a HS senior? Is this their essay? I hope it has the effect you want, and I agree that the journey of change, whenever it is experienced, is a powerful narrative. The topic, for me, is a little too puerile to be truly effective as a college essay. I’d be wondering if there weren’t any more recent episodes that showed emotional growth.</p>

5

<p>Class,
Dig is an oldtimer on this board. Many CCers with 2004 under their name were here long before then, but when CC updated, current CCers were all 2004.</p>

<p>I don’t think Dig was showing a great topic, but a great writing style. The writer also got to mention how his father and he/she did volunteer work, and how the writer learned so much from that experience. Its more ‘show’ than ‘tell’.</p>

<p>my fav post of the morning.</p>

6

<p>I don’t think it’s too childish - it shows growth and his now grown up attitude about the meaning of Christmas. Structurally it’s very similar to my younger son’s essay about origami where he begins by describing being dragged through a paper museum in Japan, his belated discovery of the joys of origami and teaching himself a new skill, his regret he didn’t appreciate the original experience, and then the final line was, something like, but even though I’d appreciate the museum more now, I’d probably still be impatiently tapping my feet waiting for my mother to be done.</p>

7

<p>Thumbs up for Bob!!!</p>

8

<p>I guess I have a different reaction to this. The essay advice seems good. The essay is well-written and amusing to read. But the growth, well, all it’s really saying is that he got older and switched from the child side to the parent side of the longstanding Santa Christmas tradition. I feel like the essence of this essay could have been written by 90% of the Christian kids in the country (even if they cannot all write this well), and doesn’t really show much about this kid as an individual. The details would be different, but whether it comes as being asked to dress up as Santa and bring gifts for a young cousin, or keep up the pretense for younger siblings, I’m sure it’s an extremely common experience.</p>

<p>When my husband and I had kids, we decided that we just didn’t want to lie to our kids. And we missed out on a certain part of the enjoyment they might have had from pretending that fantasy is real. But they still loved Christmas and they never had any Christmases ruined, as described in this essay and as I heard from my kids’ friends when they figured it out. There was never any “Do I keep pretending this year or have they finally figured it out and are just going along with it to avoid hurting my feelings?” drama or anxiety. There were never any tears shed for Santa or over the realization that what they thought was real was really just a game. There was no “The kids at school teased me because I say Santa is real” issue. They’ve loved all their Christmases. And, most importantly, they know that we will never lie to them, which I think is worth a whole lot more than Santa bringing a gift.</p>

9

<p>Now I see why there needs to be more readers of applicants’ essays. I focused on the quality of the essay, not the concrete topic. I can see CC readers having very mixed reactions to essays on mustard(U Chicago), or “thinking outside the box” (Caltech).</p>

10

<p>Jeepers. The essay is well-constructed, but it’s completely (a) slick, (b) saccharine, and (c) conventional. It would be great as an application for an internship on the writing staff for My Three Sons or Green Acres (or some other stolid sitcom of bygone days), but it doesn’t convince me that I know anything about the kid who wrote it besides that he or she knows a lot about pandering. In lots of contexts, that would make this an effective college essay. But it’s certainly not one I would use for a model. It’s not going to get the author into Harvard (unless he’s an awfully good quarterback, or maybe if everything else in the application screams “Engineer!”), and it’s not going to get anyone into the screenwriting program at USC, either. Those kids can write stuff that’s a lot more interesting than this.</p>

11

<p>

Ah, the sole meaningful criterion on CC!
I think it’s a great essay, far better than the less “puerile”, pretentious and self-absorbed baloney, stuffed with SAT words, that we so often see. And who ever said a college essay needs to show “emotional growth”?</p>

12

<p>

</p>

<p>This was the problem I had with it. My first thoughts, cute essay, entertaining, but who is this kid? Too much space is taken up with the cute comments of the children and not enough there that reveals much about the author. It’s a good essay, but I don’t think I’d choose it for an admissions essay.</p>

13

<p>Yes, I agree. The kids are memorable, the essay-writer is not. And it’s nice that he puts out milk and cookies now but did this 4 hour volunteer stint (which wasn’t even his initiative) influence him to do anything else?</p>

14

<p>I didn’t say I liked things stuffed with SAT words, or that a college essay needed to show “emotional growth.” I wouldn’t have called this essay “puerile” at all – quite the opposite, it reads like a 40-year-old Reader’s Digest employee wrote it. It demonstrates that its author has a pretty good command of how to tell a story, and is not willing to vary even a degree or two from the absolute center of conventionality. </p>

<p>Also, that he is not particularly believable – was he REALLY putting out milk and cookies for Santa that Christmas Eve? Come on! That’s a fine ending to the story, the way Tinker Bell reviving when the audience claps is a fine end to Peter Pan, but Peter Pan pretty much lets you know from the outset that it’s not about actual events.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t say the essay is anything like “bad,” but it’s a fair bit short of “great” for me.</p>

15

<p>LOL, I think it’s the pretty rare essay that’s great, and at least most of the ones I’ve read that admissions officers have put up on their college websites didn’t do much for me. My son’s main advice to his friends was not to be so serious, sound like you are talking to friends, and don’t be afraid to be funny.</p>

16

<p>It’s a sweet story and the writer writes in an engaging manner without the faux-use of SAT words. I would agree with JHS, however, that it doesn’t reveal a lot about the author himself. The paragraphs that contain the call transcripts take up a lot of space and don’t add anything to my understanding of the writer.</p>

17

<p>JHS at 3:58…that’s exactly my reaction! LOL. And i can also see how some people might like it…and just how hard it is for a kid to write these.</p>

<p>for what it’s worth, the only one I’ve ever enjoyed is the one that later proved to be an urban legend…the (not real) NYU essay…
[The</a> Answer Sheet - Best college essay ever?](<a href=“http://voices.washingtonpost.com/answer-sheet/college-admissions/best-college-essay-ever.html]The”>http://voices.washingtonpost.com/answer-sheet/college-admissions/best-college-essay-ever.html)</p>

18

<p>This discussion has highlighted beautifully the subjectivity of college admissions. We are presumably all well-educated people who are somewhat familiar with the application process and yet none of us can agree on whether this essay will help or hurt the applicant’s chances.</p>

19

<p>Well I’m pretty sure that if I posted the essay my oldest wrote for Harvard you’d be surprised he got in. :slight_smile: The essay was serviceable at best.</p>

20

<p>

</p>

<p>I think what it highlights is a lot more complex than that.</p>

<p>First – I don’t think we disagree much at all about the essay. What we disagree about are the criteria for college admission. If being able to write a well-constructed, sweet, entirely superficial story is a big deal, then this essay nails it. Presumably, within any particular admissions office there will be little or no disagreement about what the criteria for admission are, so the degree of subjectivity in response to this essay may be quite small.</p>

<p>Second – In the context of holistic review, context matters a lot. If mathmom’s oldest kid – a super math/computer nerd – had written this, it probably would have rounded him out a lot. If a high-school All American defensive lineman wrote it, that would be awesome, because it would put to rest any question of his ability to write competently. If someone who presented himself as a writer wrote this, it would make him look like a hack. (But a pretty polished hack. I don’t think this would get anyone but a high school All American into Harvard or USC, but I think it would get a lot of kids into a lot of colleges. The general standard isn’t anything like “good”, much less “great”.)</p>

<p>Third – In the context of holistic review at a hyper-selective college, lots of context matters. The decisionmakers wouldn’t be deciding whether to admit or deny based on just this essay, or just this essay in the context of just this application. They would have dozens, maybe hundreds of essays by kids who presented as comparable candidates, and they would see how the others did, too. And that would make a huge difference. Even if this kid presented himself as a writer, and even though I think it’s hackneyed, I would have no trouble admitting the kid if this were among the best essays by creative writing jocks.</p>