Someone Grade My SAT Essay, Please!!

Test Preparation
1

<p>Please be honest, and give a grade and tips for improvement!!</p>

<p>Here is the prompt: Can popular entertainment offer us anything of value or is it just a worthless distraction?</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<pre><code> Today's society contains too many distractions in the form of websites, social networks, television shows, and more. As more and more individuals conform to watching worthless television shows, such as Keeping Up With The Kardashians, or constantly updating their Twitter or Snapchat, they are losing sight of what is really important. The simple truth is that today's entertainment is generating more and more apathy to important issues in tomorrow's generation, a change that will create serious problems in the future.

Reality television shows such as Keeping Up With The Kardashians are more than just a form of entertainment. They are influencing younger generations and teaching them to become as clueless and needy as the individuals on the show. As more and more people watch ridiculous shows such as this one, they become apathetic towards crucial issues that the world is facing today, such as poverty, hunger, and disease. With so many viewers of reality shows, no one is paying attention to the millions of people struggling in such a competitive world. With so many problems in our rapidly changing society, we need brighter thinkers and inventors to come up with solutions, and we will not be able to raise a generation of problem solvers if these useless reality shows continue to exist.

In addition to reality shows, social networks are also helping to raise a generation of self-centered citizens. Popular apps such as Twitter or Snapchat have become major distractions. People are constantly posting pictures of themselves having an enjoyable time with friends and family, or updating statuses bragging about parties or accomplishments. With all this activity going on online, our generation is paying very little attention to current issues. Not many people are aware of the problems in the Middle East, or Ukraine, simply because they cannot log off of their social network accounts and watch the news. This is a serious problem, because the world will only face more and more challenges and if our generation of citizens cannot solve these issues, then the world will not be able to sustain future generations.

The entertainment of today is a major distraction from what is important. The kids of today need to be aware of what is going on around the world. If they remain in their tiny bubble of ignorance, they will be unable to compete with the rest of society and solve problems such as hunger, poverty, climate change, and disease. It is time for us to stop being distracted and start solving problems.

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2

<p>I think this essay could be improved a lot if you:
-acknowledged and expanded on the appeal and entertainment value of social networking/reality TV. An essay is more sophisticated if you consider the opposing point of view, and then refute it.
-came up with more specific examples of how reality TV personalities are negative- ex. explaining how the Kardashians are rich and do not have to do any actual work.
-explained how people can become obsessed with social media. What you seemed to be saying in your third paragraph is that there’s a lot going on on Twitter and similar websites, but you didn’t really explain why this is so distracting to people. Elaborating on social media’s almost addicting qualities would have emphasized its harmful effect on society.
-offered clear alternatives to modern entertainment- for example, it would be better to explain how time used watching reality TV could be spent watching educational programs that will enlighten people about world issues than just saying that TV will stop people from learning.
-worked on your diction. The language that you used sometimes sounds unsophisticated (not that it’s terrible, but it could be improved). Phrases like “the kids of today” could easily be replaced with more formal sounding alternatives.</p>

<pre><code> Overall you do make some good observations, but more specific examples and explanations could really make this essay great. I know that the SAT essay doesn’t give too much time to plan, which might make it hard to come up with a detailed essay, but if you practice finding specific examples, you should be able to do a good job at exam time.
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3

<p>Not OP but puellamgi , I heard you should do the exact opposite and keep your essay straight forward .</p>

<p>Not disagreeing but just wondering.</p>

4

<p>@puellamgi, thank you so much for your advice! I’ll be working on all of that. What grade would you give my essay?</p>

5

<p>@feliperios17 I was told by some people that it’s better to consider both viewpoints. I can see why someone would want to keep it straightforward, though. Since essay writing isn’t an exact science, it’s likely that there’s a lot of contradictory advice out there.
@AnImpAffliction I’m not exactly a professional grader so I’m not sure what the CollegeBoard would actually give it, but I’d say maybe around an 8?</p>

6

<p>@feliperios17 @puellamagi, I’ve been told to take a side and stick to it and that considering both viewpoints could negatively affect my score. That’s just what I’ve been told.</p>

<p>@puellamagi, okay thank you!!</p>