grade my essay please!

topic: is apathy a problem in today’s society?

apathy is definitely a threat to our society. in my opinion, this can be attributed to the undeniable fact that technology, especially that involving the entertainment industry has taken over the world. people have made themselves a part of this imaginary world, so much so that their own lives seem dull and boring.

consider the impact of video games on today’s generation. there used to be a time when kids would play in the park with their friends involving different kinds of sports activities. this idea, however, seems unrealistic now, as many kids prefer staying indoors where they believe they can have a better time playing exciting new games on their X-box in a confined room, hence disrupting their social lives. thus, with the help of a motion detector sensing their movements, children watch animated versions of themselves playing tennis or hitting a volley ball, while they miss out on the chance of doing it themselves. they are so impressed by those false images that they forget how capable they are, without machine. this basically hinders their thought process to tackle a practical situaion and makes them somewhat lazy.

i can personally relate to apathy. my lack of interest in my capabilities has led me towards a monotonous life. for insatnce, i like dancing but i do not dance very often. instead, i prefer to watch videos on youtube, where people dance with such incredible dance moves that leaves me in awe. now i may not be half as decent at dancing as those dancers, but instead of practicing and improving myself, i enjoy other people do all the cool dance moves because i do not want to go through the trouble of doing them myself.

i strongly believe that apathy is a problem in today’s world, leading towards dull and inferior individuals being side-lined by machines that they have created.

Your capitalization and use of grammar are both sub-par, and you incorporate too much personal terms (Such as “I believe”) into your essay. Your sentence structures could use enhancing, and overall the essay doesn’t hold up. I would give this a 4 out of 12.

thanks for the guidance!