<p>I still think something is wrong here…with this orginal post etc</p>
<p>Why would a woman with an MA and a business want aguy who doesn’t have a degree and can’t support himself–
If she is supporting herself, her child and a grown womman with 2 degrees…she is older and one would think more mature and level headed…
She has a child --and isn’t married…so she doesn’t have a great track record here…
and
Its not like this boy can support her and her son…</p>
<p>Guarantee you she is no prize…why isn’t she looking to date/meet someone with life experience/education/maturity…</p>
<p>Is this boy going to be able to support “his new family” ???
Is the 3 yr old his child? Is she pregnant?
She is not in the same state…as the poster says …he is “leaving the state”</p>
<p>all too unlikely…
and the OP has no history here at CC…</p>
<p>*The computer is a different story. The OP says she bought it for her son, which to me sounds like it was a gift. *</p>
<p>I think this is a gray area… Clearly, the new computer was purchased for school purposes. If the son already knew he would be dropping out of school, but kept it a secret to get the computer, then he misrepresented his need to his mom.</p>
<p>But, I agree…she needs to do whatever it takes to go get that car. And, I wouldn’t give it back even if he claimed that he would stay in school, because I wouldn’t believe him. He’s already shown himself to be untrustworthy.</p>
<p>^ she did, less than 24 hours ago, see p 2, I think it is.</p>
<p>I don’t think this is unrealistic at all. Based on averages, she’s 23/24, he’s 21/22, she likely got out in May, he was set to get out this May, there is a shortage of eligible men on campuses these days…and there’s no accounting for love!</p>
<p>OP, on top of your sandwich generation and husband’s business issues, I think you’re looking at dealing with a two-punch loss here: the loss of the son you know and raised, who’s defiantly going over the line and knowingly cutting his family off by his behavior, and fiscal loss. </p>
<p>You can deal with the latter–good work on cutting off the phone and planning to take the car back, good luck on finding a way to manage the loans. But the former–that’s out of your control. I am so sorry for the hurt this causes you and your family. I wish you peace as you wait and worry and hope that he’ll come around and make things right.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids - You can be tough but a lot of things can happen beyond parental expectations.</p>
<p>Some parents sell the house and beg the lawyers to save their children from death penalty because they commit awful crimes, even when the crimes are against the family members. Nobody can expect this.</p>
<p>*mom2collegekids - You can be tough but a lot of things can happen beyond parental expectations.</p>
<p>Some parents sell the house and beg the lawyers to save their children from death penalty because they commit awful crimes, even when the crimes are against the family members. Nobody can expect this. *</p>
<p>???</p>
<p>What does this have to do with what I’ve written? </p>
<p>This kid is spitting in his parents’ face. And, he’s doing it even though he’s been told how it will negatively affect his family. He’s made it quite clear that he doesn’t care how this affects his family. </p>
<p>This kid knows that he’s screwing his parents. He’s perfectly willing to throw away his relationship with his family for sex with this chick. That’s really what this is all about. He’s willing to hurt his parents for regular O’s.</p>
<p>I agree. We don’t know anything about the girlfriend, her character, or her actions. And even if she is saying, “Hey baby, why don’t you quit school? That would be AWESOME!” . . . Well, it is still the son’s decision. He is not some helpless pawn in the hands of an Evil Temptress trying to stuff the Apple of Not-Finishing-College down his throat, he’s a human being who is CHOOSING to quit school and steal things from his mother.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Why do men with MA’s marry stay-at-home moms? Also, this may come as a shock, but there are Americans without college degrees who support themselves and their kids.</p>
<p>Getting back on topic, I would absolutely report the car stolen . . . since it is (if he takes it.) Try to convince him to finish up those last two semesters and point out all the sacrifices you’ve made on his behalf.</p>
<p>We don’t know what’s going on with the GF. Going to the extreme, I can imagine a situation in which a young, single mom got involved with a college kid. She didn’t see it as anything long-term. She’s offered a chance to start a business, maybe even with some family help. She tells her BF, “So long it’s been good to know you.”</p>
<p>He says “This is the real deal, I love you. Stay here.” She says, “I’m sorry, I really can’t. I’ve got to be in _<em>City.” When she does so, she’s hoping it will end the relationship. He then decides to quit school and move to _</em>City. She isn’t thrilled about the decision and thinks that he’ll wise up himself and realize how dumb it is. Of course, that’s just one of dozens of possible scenarios. </p>
<p>To figure out how to cope with the problem, it would really help to know what the true story is. So, mom should swallow her pride, pick up the phone and call GF. Don’t attack GF. Just say the truth–mom to mom–I’m worried. My son is quitting school. My H lost his business. We co-signed the loans. My son says he is quitting college to be with you. I just don’t see how he’s going to be able to make those payments, which means we’ll have to make them. We can’t. </p>
<p>Get a sense of what she’s like. </p>
<p>It really is possible that she’s “just not that into him” and the move is all his idea.</p>
<p>I think that any effort by the parents to contact the GF is inappropriate and intrusive. They could ask the son if he would like to arrange the meeting. But involvement of this kind on the part of the parents is not appropriate for a young man of this age.</p>
<p>The emotional side of this, as someone else pointed out, is separate from the financial side, which the parents do have a right to pursue.</p>
<p>I agree with Naturally that it is good to remember that some people who have not finished college do fine. It is not uncommon, in fact, a minority finishes in the “traditional” 4 years.</p>
<p>Sometimes these dilemmas that are posted vaguely and without a lot of details, seem to function like a Rorschach test: everyone projects their own philosophy or situation. I think there is far too little information to really advise the poster, and we are mostly indulging in speculation.</p>
It may shock you to learn that many a stay-at-home mom has an MA. Education and children are not mutually exclusive. However, when it comes down to a choice between career or child, there actually are people who choose to spend more time with the latter.</p>
<p>I appreciate everyone who has chimed in here. (once again though, I think it is fogfog, we are real, this is real). </p>
<p>I did have a heart to heart with the GF. She feels awful and feels to blame, as she actually asked my son if he would want to change colleges and move in with her. They have been together since March, but she did not know of our financial situation. She does seem like a very kind, emotionally mature young woman. Her first words to my son after understanding our situation was, nothing is worth this animosity with your family. Finish out this and next semester and I will move near you in the summer. DS, never mentioned this to us.</p>
<p>DS, swears he will work and pay back all the loans.
New information today: DS dropped all but one class this semester, will not say why. This is after I verified his college enrollment to my health insurance company, then he underwent a minor surgery on his finger paid for by my health insurance, and saw our dentist too. So in reality he is responsible for all of those bills too. He states, he is not going to be threatened (by me saying I will take the car and computer), he will take these items and leave and he will pay for them. He will do what he wants to with his life he has a right to be happy. Wow. He plans on moving after his one class is done in December. Right now he works part time in a hospital gift shop, he plans on getting similar employment, he actually said this, and will have enough money to pay for the loans. According to him I am a hysterical tyranist. Wow again.</p>
<p>I so agree with whoever said he is acting like a 2 year old. </p>
<p>I think he may have to be treated like one. Mommy and Daddy are going to have to go and take away his toys until he can be nice…</p>
<p>This is just so fun, just what every parent looks forward to.</p>
<p>If it wasn’t so hurtful I think I might laugh, but instead all I can do is cry.</p>
<p>In many cases, a student who drops all but one class was failing all but one class. I’m just sayin’.</p>
<p>On edit: OP, about the insurance, you can keep your son on your health insurance until he turns 26, even if he is not enrolled in college. I’m not saying you should, but you could if you wanted to.</p>
<p>Okay, here is my guess. I think he’s failing this semester and is too ashamed/embarrassed/panic-stricken to admit it, so he’s making up all these lofty reasons about quitting for the sake of True Love and kicking up a giant fuss over the car and computer as a distraction. If he pretends you’re a tyrant, he has an excuse not to 'fess up to the situation.</p>
<p>So you might try having a heart-to-heart, as nonconfrontational as possible, and tell him “If you’re having a hard time in school, tell me. I won’t be mad. Let’s fix this.” Maybe he will deny it . . . heck, maybe that isn’t even the situation. But it’s worth a try.</p>
<p>It sounds like the silver lining is that the girlfriend is a nice person, so at least if he moves he’ll have her watching his back.</p>
<p>I don’t think he is acting like a 2 year-old, more like an 18-20 year-old who is aiming for some autonomy. </p>
<p>He may be burnt out on academics and need a break. It sounds like he is eager to work, and wants to be responsible financially. He has a caring girlfriend and is not alone in the world. I don’t understand the problem here.</p>
<p>Why not have a talk and support him in what could be called a decision, but is in reality probably not a choice, but the result of him just not being able to do the academics right now. One of my kids is at an Ivy and has two friends in the same situation. It happens.</p>
<p>The son can return at a later time, perhaps reinspired, and finish school- or not, if things work out without the school.</p>
<p>It sounds like the car and computer are needed for him to get launched in this situation. Perhaps there is no public transportation where he is going, and the car will help him work. Again, he has promised to pay for them. Can these be considered a loan? Or can the parents support this new path just as they would support college?</p>
<p>Tuition refund insurance doesn’t cost that much. We buy it for every kid, every year. The family didn’t do that here, but the son has said he will be accountable.</p>
<p>He may be hurting, but he is at least trying to be a grown-up and handle it. Is there any way the parents can talk to him and make this a friendlier situation?</p>
<p>How much can you trust a promise from someone who has said–“I’m taking the car and there’s nothing you can do about it”? </p>
<p>I would do one of two things about the car–either gift it to him (“You’re committed to moving on with your life. Accept our gift of this car for this new life. Good luck.”) or drive to wherever the car is located and use a spare key to bring the car back home. The chances that he’ll pay back a car loan–seems pretty small to me.</p>
<p>Getting the cops involved is problematic–once you let that genie out of the bottle, it can be hard to put it back in. But I wouldn’t want to own a car that I didn’t have ultimate control over.</p>
<p>Move on about the computer. </p>
<p>Cross your fingers that he will not default on the school loans.</p>
<p>Also agree that he’s probably failing or too far behind in those classes that he’s dropped.</p>
<p>What a mess! I really do feel for you and your family–and also for the GF…</p>
<p>I too would gift him the car and say good luck, and Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday because for at least the next yr or so this will be the last thing you receive from me financially.</p>
<p>If the child wants to be treated like an adult than they must expect to live like all of us adults here. Any of your parents paying for your car loan at 45 yrs old.</p>
<p>My BIL was and is like this child. He is 51, divorced and now living back with my ILs. They for his entire adult life financially bailed him out, and now he expects/demands it still. If I calculated all the money they have given him since I have known him (he was 26 when I 1st met him), I would say it is close to the tune of 150K. They bought their home 20 yrs ago for cash, they now have a mtg because they needed money to bail him out financially — he has also a lovely habit of quitting jobs because he doesn’t like them before finding a new job.</p>
<p>Time warp yourself 20 yrs from now, do you want to be my ILs, do you want him to be my BIL? If the answer is no, than you need to do so hard love.</p>
<p>Yes, he’s acting like he’s on the verge of adulthood. He is near adult enought to realize you cannot force your decisions on him, but not yet adult enough to know he cannot force his decisions on you.
You prob got tricked into giving the computer as a gift, but it sure sounds like it was a gift. So leave it. Now the car, maybe not so. But, I’d use the police as a very last resort. Charges/convictions against him stay on his record, and is it worth that to you?
Curoius with new info on dropping classes. Generally doesn’t occur if student has A’s or B’s.</p>