<p>He states, he is not going to be threatened (by me saying I will take the car and computer), he will take these items and leave and he will pay for them.</p>
<p>Tell him that he has to go out and get a loan to pay for those items before he can take them. Remind him that you’re not a lender. If he does intend to really pay for them, let him be indebted to someone else…not you. </p>
<p>He will do what he wants to with his life he has a right to be happy.</p>
<p>I’d say…"yes, and I ALSO have a right to do what I want with my life and I have a right to be happy…therefore you’re not taking the car and computer unless they are paid for by you…either in cash or by YOU getting a loan. I have the right not to be your lender. "</p>
<p>He needs to have it clearly explained to him that he’s not the only one with the “right” to be happy.</p>
<p>Will he listen to his dad? Why are you the only one talking to him?</p>
Yes. They can stay on your insurance until they are 26 but I think they have to be a dependent. We just went through the whole appeals process about our 24 year old son remaining on our insurance. He was still a full time student last year but graduated this may, turned 24 in August, but had moved home while looking for a job. We weren’t sure if they would let him stay on as last year he earned too much to be our dependent for taxes (a well paying summer internship plus part time work through the year). They did allow him to remain on our insurance but we had to appeal. Took a couple of months to get it sorted out.</p>
<p>I completely agree with ellenemope in post #78.</p>
<p>Compmom, re “I don’t understand what’s the problem here,” you have a financially struggling family about to be trashed by cosigned college loans! That’s a huge problem to me.</p>
<p>My son will graduate in May with about 29K in perkins/stafford loans (all subsidized). </p>
<p>the ONLY way I would ever consider paying any of this is if he is working at a very low wage job and spending ALL his $$ on basic living expenses. My son is the type of person who will spend $175 for ONE pair of jeans. Yes, you read that correctly.</p>
<p>Last year my son called me up and told me had run up $4500 on 2 credit cards. I was livid. He made over 20K in 2008 and 2009 plus he was on the food plan 1 year and I was giving him $$ for food the other year. We made a deal. I got access to his checking account. I transferred the cc balances to a low interest card in my name and paid it off INSTEAD of giving him $$ for food. A year later, the cc is paid off, my son is working 2 jobs (and has an internship and goes to school -3 classes) and I have given him no money except for paying for books and $100 for his birthday. He THANKS me for bailing him out and I think he has learned his lesson. He has no cc now. I wish the rule about kids and cc had been in effect in 2007 (shame on Chase for issuing that much credit to him in the first place)</p>
<p>my son knows I will NEVER give him money unless I have FULL visibility of all his income and how he spends his money. Yup, I’m brutal. I have to be. Son called the other day and wanted to know if I would pay for him to join a History Honor Society. He wanted to join to be able to put it on his resume. I checked out the website and could see no advantage to being a member. I told him if it was so important then HE should pay the $45 fee. Problem solved. Too many parents are afraid to say NO. Unfortunately for my son, I’m NOT one of them</p>
<p>vickilauren, I am sorry for you and your troubles. I can not add much to what has already been said, but if I were in your shoes, before I gave him title to the car, I would have him sign a note for the fair value of the car, and have the title subject to the lien, just like any other lender. My own preference is to take the car back (forcibly if necessary), as it was not a gift, and he has no right to take it. If he is so independent, let him find his own transportation. I would not be responsible for the car and the liability for him driving it. Maybe he can buy an old clunker and get ins. for it. I guess he will have to pay for his own health ins. too.</p>
<p>I think adult children should be responsible for paying for their expenses if they are not in school. This is how an adult must be. My child and my step child are welcome to live with me and eat my food for “free”, but I am not going to support them outside of a school situation. I can tell you that this is met with dismay and worse by my adult step child (who would like to live a grander lifestyle on my money). It is better to not be a door mat.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you, and I hope that your son will come around to his senses.</p>
<p>swimcatsmom-
The landscape for ‘medical insurance coverage until age 26’ has changed, in Sept 2010 I think. Please look into it further if you have interest in covering any adult children to age 26.</p>
<p>We had our 23 year old dropped from our plan in Dec 2009, per the then ‘rules’.
Now, my employer is REQUIRED to allow me (and others) to add our young adults back on until age 26. Part of the Obama changes. I do NOT think the young adult must be your dependent, and can even be married!
VERY few stipulations. Cannot be covered or able to be covered by their own employer based health plan or that of a spouse. Does not need to live with you, nor be a dependent.</p>
<p>We will put 24 year old grad student back on in Jan 2011…he will have time after graduating in May 2011 to find his own employer plan or buy his own!
But he CAN be covered until his 26th birthday in June 2012.</p>
<p>You also want to take the long term view on this. If things don’t work out with this girlfriend, you’ll want there to be enough of a bridge left that both parties haven’t burned so that you can work to regain a relationship.</p>
<p>If things do work out and they marry and live happily ever after, you’ll want to be a part of that life. </p>
<p>Both scenarios require more of a velvet glove approach now.</p>
<p>I don’t see the advantage of signing a loan paper with the S for the car as anothermom suggested. Why should the parent choose to put herself at risk for yet another possible default? Possibly getting stuck for all/part of a school loan is bad enough, but why volunteer to risk getting stuck for more still? See paragraph 1, post 78.
Let the kid get a bank loan for the car, or give it back. OP can point out her mother doesn’t provide a car for her, because Op is an adult. So in turn, Op’s S should not expect his mother to provide a car for him since he’s an adult.</p>
<p>*Let the kid get a bank loan for the car, or give it back. OP can point out her mother doesn’t provide a car for her, because Op is an adult. So in turn, Op’s S should not expect his mother to provide a car for him since he’s an adult. *</p>
<p>Absolutely!</p>
<p>The son can’t have it both ways…“I’m an adult and I can do what I want…but YOU HAVE to let me take this car.” </p>
<p>NO, the son has to have a reality check.</p>
<p>I doubt the son will permanently write off the family over this. He’s doing a lot of “beating his chest”…but I doubt he’d cut-off his family for simply being reasonable.</p>
<p>My son has work intermittent part time jobs only, he has no credit. No one is going to lend him money for the car or computer, that is why I agreed to help him with both because he is going to college.The car is now 3 years older than when we bought it. The computer was a gift, for going to college, it is only 3 weeks old, replacing a previous one that recently stopped working. If he is not going to college he can go to the library and use a computer. He will be living in a large city, I have all ready suggested buses for transportation.</p>
<p>I agree with you, anothermom2, adult children should be, of course the emphasis is on should be, required to pay their own expenses if they are not in school.</p>
<p>ellemenope, I think the bridges are fast disappearing through the flames, I am scorched and barely hanging on. Hopefully someday we will be able to rebuild.</p>
<p>I am also a recovering cancer patient with medical debt acquired through DS college years. He knows this also. If he defaults on these loans I will also have no choice but to also default. There really is no more credit that can be extended to me at this point. Husband is still in the financial mire of losing a business. </p>
<p>I really appreciate the different points of view, it has helped me to be able to think more clearly. I still feel stunned, like I’ve just been ran over and will not quite ever be able to stand straight again.</p>
<p>I feel older and wiser. I see myself back at the beginning of sons college years, in awe of his HS achievements, ready to help him in anyway achieve his college dreams.</p>
<p>vickilauren - ALL people have to learn the ways of the world. It’s not as if your son is going to be homeless and hungry. Hopefully things will work out that he either gets a job or realizes he has to complete his degree to get the job he wants. It SUCKS watching anyone who makes a decision other than the one WE would choose for them. </p>
<p>parents are meant to give their kids roots and wings. You can’t forbid him from doing what he wants. You CAN decide not to enable his life (with amenities like the car). </p>
<p>My boyfriend has a 37 yo son who has used cocaine on and off for almost 20 years. He has pawned tools that my BF had to buy back. He has been kicked out of rehab centers after going on a binge (and lived with his dad for 7 months this year). I had his stuff stored in my garage for 14 months!! My BF controls his money (he and his sons are contractors which makes the situation even more intense because not only is it father/son but boss/employee.</p>
<p>Make your opinions known, protect yourself financially and let your son know that the door is open if he falls flat on his face (theoretically :). If he has to come home, he will have to live by YOUR rules. </p>
<p>You can’t force ANYONE to do what YOU think is right. Believe me, my parents tried. </p>
<p>repeat after me, I am not a doormat and no one can take advantage of me without my permission.</p>