We just put our son on a plane back to college after his spring break! He was dreading going back!
He is at a school he chose and was so happy to gain admission to. He hasn’t found a friend group yet.
He has many acquaintances but no close friends. I feel so bad for him. He has a very active social life at home and a large friend group. He is saying he doesn’t think he wants to transfer. I told him that over Easter we are going to talk about possibly transferring next year! What to do?? I thought by now he would be so happy!
It seems paradoxical but students who had a close group of friends in high school can have a tougher time feeling like they are developing friendships. After all, it will be a long time before they are as close to their new friends as they had been with their old friends. In contrast, those who struggled socially in high school can find it much easier in college because they can shed their old persona and start again.
But your son’s history of having close friends bodes well for his future-you know he is well liked and connects well to others. It will just take some time. His standards for “close” are likely to be a lot higher than it would be for a kid who had never had a strong peer group. I would not advise him to transfer if he likes the school in other ways and is doing well. I’d encourage him to keep meeting new students and stay active in clubs and other activities that will place him among new groups of students. I suspect by next fall he will be eager to get back to his new group of friends. Try to encourage him to remain upbeat and not to sequester himself in his room. It will happen but it is a “process” that takes time.
Thank you @lostaccount for you kind reply! He is doing very well grade wise and is involved in many activities. I hope it is just a matter of time! My heart hurts for him!
You rarely develop close friends in a few months. Develop as many acquaintances as possible. Over time a few will evolve into close friends.
People on this site may disagree but I would also encourage him to stay in touch with his high school buddies while keeping in mind that what they post on fb might make him think they have all developed a close group of friends, as would his posts to them. But old friends will always be the best friends and his high school and college friends will be old friends some day. Keeping in touch can help him avoid being lonely while he is feeling like he is not connecting with others as much now. He is also probably home sick which guys sometimes don’t admit to. I know exactly how you feel in terms of your heart hurting. It is so hard when you can’t control the situation anymore and can’t reach through the screen and give him a hug. But my guess is that by the time he is thinking back about his college experience he won’t even recall this period.
If he is involved in many activities he will develop a group of close friends-as he apparently always has. It is also tough because there is often a tendency for some students to glom onto others-so it may seem like everyone else is in a group but him. But those early forced groups are usually replaced by genuine friendships over time. This is another difference between kids. Those who tend to be socially adept often hang back and don’t glom onto others for the sake of belongingness. They rely on their usual social skills and sense of self. So they are less apt to have a quickly formed social group but more likely to have strong friendships that last. That just takes longer.
My heart hurts for you @pasoccermom. I can’t imagine the anguish you feel. My DD had a tough time at first, but it was only her first month or so. If he doesn’t want to transfer, then perhaps he feels there is hope. I would have though ND would be one of the “good ones” for developing relationships with their house structure. I’m so sorry you are worried. I’d be up at night! Hang in there and don’t pressure him to transfer if he truly doesn’t want to. Lay out the options and let him pick. Starting over again may be more than he wants right now.
@pasoccermom I know what you are going through. My daughter, now a sophomore, absolutely struggled socially her first semester. It was only after several months into the second semester did things turn around. She had many friends in high school and was also very social and friendly, but college was a whole different ball game!! She was the only one from her small school to attend the college, so did not know anyone there. She was not close to her room mate at all, who already had her own established friendships. It was heartbreaking for me to learn that she was eating dinner alone in the dining hall most nights. I was in tears thinking about her. She said she was trying to make friends but was just not clicking with anyone. She was doing very well academically and loved all her professors. We had planned to talk about transferring to another school where the majority of her friends went when she was home for her spring break. When she got home and I brought up the transfer subject, she said I’m not transferring, I love it here!! Things just fell into place quite suddenly after she had become closer to some really nice students in her classes. So I hope it does work out for your son and he finds that great group of friends he will have for life.
FWIW, 30+ years later, my best friends remain my HS friends and I have no contact with anyone from college anymore. I enjoyed college and had a good social group, but they just weren’t like the HS people for me. It seems that your son had lots of excellent colleges to choose from. I hope he’s not pressuring himself too much to have the perfect college experience. I think it can be hard for some of these super achiever kids when they run up against something that they can’t make go their way. It’s great that he’s doing well in school and involved in other activities. All he can do is put himself out there and be open to meeting lots of people. Good luck to you both.
I agree with the replies to your post! My daughter is a junior and it took her most of freshman year to find people she truly connected with. Though she had an active social life there from the start, the people she initially spent time with are not the ones who have become her close friends, and that took time. I would definitely talk further with him when he is home again but if wants to stay that might be the best thing. My daughter found her group in her dorm section and in her major, and while she is still friendly with her initial group and freshman roommate, they are not the ones she is close to now. We were just at JPW last month and she and her friends were talking about when/how they all first met each other, and the differences in their friend groups between then and now. All good, and for most of them it took time!
Hang in there, sometimes the thought of going back is hard, especially if they are homesick and not feeling like school is the perfect place/experience they were expecting. Keeping my fingers crossed all works out!
@doubtful Totally agree. Once I figured out that my freshman roommate wasn’t destined to be my bestest friend, (and she in turn figured out I wasn’t going to be her bestest friend either), my life improved. Dramatically. Once I eased up on myself and my expectations and allowed room for movement (my own growth), I was a much happier camper.
@pasoccermom Good luck with all of this. Encourage the clubs and activities. I met widely, diverse groups in my various activities. (drama, campus choir, marketing club, campus ministries, newspaper, soup kitchen, etc.) I kept myself busy so I didn’t have a ton of time to dwell on it. About the second semester I started to figure out who I could kinda buddy up with in this class or that or during this activity or that. A lot of it was me and my adjustments. I don’t think anyone could have told me what to do or how to do it. If my parents suspected I was struggling, they never let on. They just encouraged me to keep busy, cheaply as I was on very very limited funds, and pushed the on-campus activities. No one could replace my friends from HS. Even to this day. 30+ years later. Next year he’ll have a roommate of his choice. That could help things tremendously.
For heaven’s sake, if he is not talking about transferring, do not try to talk him into it.
I agree that what he is experiencing is normal for many students. I remember my S saying he could never make as good friends as his best buddy from high school – they were a close pair from 5th -12the grade. But in time he did. I’d say as long as he has acquaintances, is busy socially, is involved on campus, and is doing well academically that things are going very well. In time, through more and more shared experiences, some of the acquaintances should turn into good friends. In addition, both of my kids made some of their close friends as then went on an took more classes in their major as they found people with similar interests, they were in the same classes etc.
IMO I get that it is not ideal that he hasn’t found “his group” yet, but he is doing well and transferring is not the answer. I transferred after my freshman year and found it is not so easy to break into groups of friends and acquaintances that have been established during freshman year. I’d tell him to keep going on the path he is on and things should work out. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
So much great advice from everyone! Thank you so much for taking the time to respond!
@pasoccermom, my heart would hurt for him too. Is he taking part in the dorm activities? Is he trying to get together with kids outside of the activities? That may help.
@suzy100 Yes, he is involved in many things! He just started playing dorm soccer! I hope that helps him meet other other kids from different sections of the dorm! My fingers are crossed!
Just curious. What dorm is he in?
I wanted to transfer out of ND from day 1 until the last day of my sophomore year, after which I just accepted the fact that it was no longer worth the hassle. My hope is that your son starts to settle in and enjoy student life in the months ahead, but if it happens that he’s like me and never feels completely at home at ND, my advice would be to continue to be supportive of him. He’ll be happy in the future that he stuck things out, since ND will open many doors for him.
Best of luck!
FWIW DS in 4th sem still gets the “Sunday night blues” when returning to school after a break. I don’t think it’s unnatural. He works so hard at school and being responsible for himself that he really relishes the downtime at home. Tends to get homesick when midterms come up and when sleep deprived. Encourage sleep! I was really surprised when I found out DS was staying up til 2 studying every night in freshman year and getting up at 6am. No wonder he was feeling anxious and off-kilter! He had no idea that his sleep deprivation was the main reason he felt so fragile. What a difference after prioritizing his sleep. Is your DS more of an introvert? I discovered that my outgoing, involved high schooler is probably actually more of an introvert and needs time on his own to recharge. I agree that developing the closeness in friendships takes more time than they think it will. All first year is an adjustment. With second year there is more settling and confidence. And can you believe his semester will be over in a few weeks?